Friday the Mailmanbroteenth

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You are Mailmanbro’s good friend. Your ravenous appetite for physical media from far away places is good for his job security. Yours is a symbiotic relationship. Sure, some day Mailmanbro is going to slaughter you and everyone else on his delivery route and bathe in your blood because he resents having to work for a living–but until then you’re golden.

July’s installment of The Adventures of Mailmanbro comes a bit late because I was busy not working on it. And I still kinda don’t want to. So let’s get right to the metalhead porn, yeah? (Beware: a couple of these images are actually pornographic.)

E(legant) G(azing) G(lobe) opens up the show this month with a very tasty-looking cassette from Spectral Voice, an explosion of color from Wintersun and some vinyl by some band who should just give up now because they will never ever make it.


Perennial reader (who eternally refuses to upload a photo to his Disqus account) FROZENGOATSHEADUPANUNSARSE comes in hot with CDs by Possessed, Terra Tenebrosa, Testament, Annihilator and more. Looks like he recently vacuumed his carpet, too.


LIZARDTILIAN snatched a “slightly ill-fitting” shirt from Úir, whose unreadable logo gives the Opeth O a run for its money. Also: music from Execration and a shirt from Adrift for Days, which is probably also slightly ill-fitting. (You’re a lizard; deal with it.)


Sweetooth0 continues to worship both quantity and quality with assorted merch from Carpenter Brut, Sabbat, Nine Inch Nails and Vio-lence, just to name a few.


Noah S. scored CDs from In Human Form and Suffocation. (Note the conspicuous placement of that Sleep lighter, which may or may not be part of the haul.)


OG reader nbm02ss joins the party with the Bible of Skronk (sometimes referred to as Gorguts‘s Obscura).


Antoine D. readies that boring old couch for a pure metal orgy with shirts from Brutality and Sentenced and CDs from Contaminated, Ritualization, Manilla Road and more.


(Paddlin’ Rites ov) KARHU assures me that Vaasankatu SS is not a nazi band, “more like a drinking band”. He also hauled some vinyl from White Derp Death.


SPEAR adds more Wintersun to the punch-bowl, along with CDs by Venom Prison, Without Waves and some others I don’t recognize. Oh, and a weird guitar painted to look like it’s smaller than it actually is.

 


Jake H. committed Sewercide. Badum-tsss.


DUMPSTER LUNG went a little nuts this month, hauling in assorted merch from various Dan Swanö-related projects, Mutilation Rites, Ulver, Carpenter Brut and some band called Municipal Waste that we have definitely never seen in this column before.


When Municipal Waste fired a metric fuckton of merch out of a canon from outer space, WIZARDFACEKELLY was lucky enough to catch some of it.


DECAPITRON shows off his cassette-stacking abilities and his devotion to the Synth Life with tapes from Vogel, Occams Lazer, Deadlife et al.


EDWARDO ventured deep into kvlt territory with Absum and a Tukaaria/Volahn split. Did he make it back out alive? Has anyone heard from him? Someone go check on him. And stop by Subway on the way back; I’m famished.


SLIPJACKTHEWANDERER, also with a clean-looking carpet, brings us visions of Radiohead‘s first weird album and the mighty Below.


JIMMY McNULTY (who is this “O’l Dusty” person?) just figured out that Iron Maiden is cool. Also, that lamp could use a shade, just to mellow-out the room.


Someone put a Grok in LEIF BEARKISON‘s sock. Also featured: Tomb Mold and Volahn.


HANS. What is this, smut? Oh wait, no. It’s Maggot Heart. The vinyl is rad enough, but that shirt. Woo doggy. I want one, but where can you even wear such a thing without people staring at you disapprovingly/lewdly? I don’t know what those two things are down at the bottom, and it doesn’t matter, because up at the top we’ve also got Black Cilice on CD. This is the money shot.


Duke L. rips some serious hell with not one, not one-and-a-half, but two shirts from Hellripper. Worship the goat. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.


RICHTENSTEIN fails yet again to take a clear picture of his haul. This is a shirt from 1476. Off to the right is a CD from L-XIII which came with the shirt and which you totally can’t see and which was totally not supposed to be in the shot.


That’s it for this month. I feel like it was a lot. Was it a lot? If you’d like to participate in future installments of this column, find out how to join the Toilet facebook group and ask around. K? K.

  • Lacertilian

    Unreadable? It’s spelled Úir but it’s pronounced “Throat-warbler Mangrove”. I don’t understand the confusion.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/376cc3047b604aa68dd623d4fa2228eb95f2e2fc037f499926894bcdbd955e20.jpg

  • Joaquin Stick

    Spear wins this round for me with North and Without Waves.

  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    I got Manilla Road – To Kill a King in the mail, my copy had 2 disc ones so I had to exchange it. All good now though. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/53af5c4f078be2c1d3f2e131efcae528a804f5182b08cd8d0e25e29ac5f9282c.jpg

    • Elegant Gazing Globe

      I would have kept that mis-pack

      • Señor Jefe El Rossover

        But why?

        • Elegant Gazing Globe

          collector value

          • Señor Jefe El Rossover

            But then you couldn’t listen to the second half of the album!

            $30 and it’s yours 😛

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            they didn’t make you send it back?

          • Señor Jefe El Rossover

            Got it through Amazon, gonna send it this weekend.

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            It doesn’t have any collector’s value because anyone could have just swapped disc 2 for another copy of disc 1. A real misprint collectible would be like one of those U2 vinyl that had Tool music in them

    • Eliza

      There is a lot to love about this picture.

    • Howard Dean

      You have a suit of armor? Do you ever wear it around the house or when you’re grocery shopping?

      HAIL, WARRIOR!

      http://www.gifimagesdownload.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/knight-gif-anime.gif

      • Señor Jefe El Rossover

        Hahaha, what the hell? That gif is oddly satisfying.

        • Howard Dean

          Yeah. Never in a million years expected to find a relevant gif when I googled “knight armor grocery gif.”

          The world is a twisted place.

    • Sir Ukkometso The Based

      When I bought the latest Ulver it had two LPs (it’s a single LP album). So now I have it twice!

      • Eliza

        That’s awesome.

        • Sir Ukkometso The Based

          It is. I wemt back to the store to ask if they have a Ulver album with missing vinyl, but they didn’t. They allowed me to have it.

      • Señor Jefe El Rossover

        Well that is very fortunate for you!

    • sweetooth0

      Life goals: having a mother fuckin’ suite of armor to display your records on for photographing!!!

      • Señor Jefe El Rossover

        Hahahahahahaha!!!

      • Señor Jefe El Rossover

        What else would you put Manilla Road on?

        • there used to be a heavy metal music store in Chicago, which had a big a** suit of armor at the door to greet incoming hooligans.
          but it gone now

        • sweetooth0

          the bloody corpses of your vanquished foes perhaps, but I think armor might smell better.

          • Señor Jefe El Rossover

            Naw man! Gotta keep my sleeves mint!

  • Eliza

    Everybody buying so much merch and I’m here like “What? What is that? Where?”
    https://i.imgflip.com/zx06e.jpg?a417240

    • sweetooth0

      By ignoring my debts and responsibilities of course. It’s the ol “turn up the music in the car so you can’t hear what’s wrong with it” trick.

      • Howard Dean

        Alternatively: “Turn up the music so you can’t hear the creditors pounding on your door and repossessing your truck.”

        • sweetooth0

          exactamundo!

      • Eliza

        I save up money for a few months, then go to the record store one day and spend it all. All.

  • Howard Dean

    (every annoying couple on HGTV upon seeing this article): “Ugh, I just can’t do carpet. Why can’t they put down some dark hardwood? I can’t live here.”

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      That show is indeed annoying. Rich couples complaining that their budget is just $500k and that the house they are looking at doesn’t have a good enough view of the ocean. It is especially grating considering I could barely afford the $125k house I live in

      • Howard Dean

        The thing that drives me up the wall are the expectations. Who the fuck thinks that they are going to find a pre-owned (i.e. not custom made to your specs) house that has everything you are looking for? For fucks sake, you can actually live in a house even if you don’t like the mantle over the fireplace or the patio stones!

        I’m a person who values aesthetics. I’d like to think I’m a lot more pragmatic and simple, but in reality I like things that are aesthetically pleasing (i.e. I’m kind of a snob). I’m fortunate to have a home that I really, really love. But holy fuck @ the HGTV knobs who freak out over paint color in a room or think that it’s impossible to remove carpet.

        • sweetooth0

          yeah I had to make my house the way I wanted it, but honestly is was perfectly livable the way I bought it.

        • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

          Indeed, there are so many unrealistically picky people in that show it makes me wonder if the whole thing is actually scripted. Because a couple saying “this house is good enough, we don’t like the color but we can paint it, and that crack in the wall can be fixed, and the curtains can be changed” doesn’t make for good television, so they tell them to just reject every house to make for a more entertaining show.

          Also, in every episode I’ve seen, they bitch about little unimportant things like paint color or the mantle over the fireplace, but neglect to look over the things that are actually important when buying a house (location, plumbing, wiring, etc.)

          • Howard Dean

            Yeah, I’m with you. If it’s not completely scripted, they at least screen potential subjects to find the pickiest and most irritating people available.

          • “we have to decide between a single story ranch in Iowa for $45,000 and a beach front condo in California for $4,500,000. there are pro’s and con’s to each, stay tuned for our decision after this break…”

      • Eliza

        I wish I had that kind of problems.

    • Eliza

      That kind of stuff makes me want to die.

    • Dubby Fresh

      Fun factoid: The City of Waco has experienced an uptick in motor vehicle crashes and traffic congestion solely because of Chip and Joanna Gaines.

      • Howard Dean

        Haha, I heard that Waco was experiencing an influx of tourists and re-locations (with at least a heavy correlation to the Chip & Joanna phenomenon if not direct causation).

        I actually watch their show sometimes (and enjoy it, haha). Chip is pretty funny and Joanna is really hot. I’d go on a double date with them.

        • Dubby Fresh

          It’s mostly due to sustained day-time traffic because tourists want to go see the Magnolia Market.

      • Señor Jefe El Rossover

        I don’t know those people, but driving through Waco has been a nightmare as of late.

      • Eliza

        Waco is a funny name for a city.

      • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

        It is the most interesting thing that has happened to Waco since David Koresh

  • Jeeeesus fucking Christ, those Sewercide shirts! Especially the one on the right. m/

  • Howard Dean

    Have had little urge to buy any albums as of late. Been a weird couple of months with zero desire to buy new music (I’ve been spinning like the same 10 classic albums all summer). Been more fulfilling to spend money on good food, alcohol, and clothing.

    But goddamn some of these hauls are giving me the itch.

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      I was feeling that way, then YOU went and submitted that fucking sweet Horrendous riff for RotW a few weeks back, and I had to go buy their albums

    • just make your own clothing* out of Natty Ice beer boxes
      *armor. let’s not beat around the bush.

    • Dubby Fresh

      Whatchu been eating?

      • Howard Dean

        At home: Lots of fish. Salmon, tuna, swordfish, jambalaya (w/shrimp, clams, scallops); steak tips, chicken and turkey sausage, this strange high-fat Chinese sausage that is delicious but causes my grill to catch on fire; many things from the garden (cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, lots of herbs).

        However, my main vice is restaurant eating. Been tearing it up with things like monkfish, halibut, lamb pot pie, Asian fried chicken, Turkish doner kebab, wagyu burgers, gelato, etc.

        Can’t wait ’til dinner! Fuck yeah.

        • Dubby Fresh

          We recently found a grrrreat Mediterranean place here. Went for my wife’s birthday on Sunday and got shawarma. Food>>>>>>>>

          • Howard Dean

            I’m a huge fan of Greek/Turkish/”Levantine” cuisine. Any cuisine based around lamb, fish, olives, and delicious bread is fucking awesome in my book.

          • Dubby Fresh

            Same.

        • Elegant Gazing Globe

          I’m having a korean fried chicken sandwich right now that’s outstanding

          • Howard Dean

            Fuck yes.

            Asian fried chicken >>>>
            Korean food >>>>

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            it’s got some nice gochujang sauce and pickled ginger on it

    • Señor Jefe El Rossover

      Spinning the same 10 classics>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

      • Eliza

        I try to listen to as much new music as I can, but I’ve also listened to The Mars Volta’s De-loused in the Comatorium like ten times this summer.

        • Señor Jefe El Rossover

          I try to see how many times I can listen to Battle Hymns in one day.

          I jest (only partially) but in reality my new new music intake has been scaled back recently. A lot of new old music and standards being plugged into my head.

          • Eliza

            Me too. There are a lot of “must listen”classics that I haven’t got to yet, so I have a difficult time keeping up with new releases.

        • KJM, Anla’Shok

          aw yeah

          • Eliza

            It and Amputechture are my favorites from TMV.

          • KJM, Anla’Shok

            I also like Bedlam In Goliath.

          • Eliza

            Me too. I like Frances The Mute too, but I find it a little overrated.

  • sweetooth0

    MIGHTY HAULS EVERYONE!!!

  • VVizardface Kelly

    It’s not technically metal, but any opinions on Underoath? I recently snagged a copy of Lost in the Sound of Separation on vinyl.

    • Howard Dean
      • Señor Jefe El Rossover
        • VVizardface Kelly

          HAIL!

      • VVizardface Kelly

        All are poser until proven trve in the Court ov Hell.

        That’s not a bad idea for an article, I think. Pick a band on the fringe and discuss the metal merits of their music.

        • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

          Max once wrote this great article called “Justify Your Unflushed Shit” (he actually stole the idea from the Decibel blog) in which he defends an album generally considered to be bad. You could do the same for that one album you just bought

          Check it out:

          http://www.toiletovhell.com/justify-your-unflushed-shit-morbid-angels-illud-divinum-insanus/

          • VVizardface Kelly

            Ah! That’s exactly what I had in mind. I should have done as the youth and lurked moar.

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            If you need more inspiration, here is the original series from the Decibel blog

            https://www.decibelmagazine.com/category/justify-your-shitty-taste/

          • all hail Max! i might starting strictly writing JYUS articles from now on. (til Joe kicks me out.)

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            I have been meaning to write one for Satyricon’s Volcano, but haven’t had time

            And Hail Max indeed! If I were to make a Top 5 of the best Toilet articles, that one would definitely be among them

      • VVizardface Kelly

        Also, the file name for that image couldn’t be more literal.

    • The Tetrachord of Archytas

      I think that’s one of their best records. Good sense of intensity, good builds. And it’s got that cool angular riffing from that era but without sounding super southern like every time I die (which is not a bad thing). I was a huge fan in high school, but one of my gripes I’ve always had with them was their keyboard mixing. The dude already plays super minimal lines and layers and a lot of their records put it so far in the back. That record seems to treat them better.

  • NDG

    sweetooth0, that is one sweet batch of hauls.

    You can never go wrong with Inepsy.

    https://www.youtube.com/embed/vg_BGmZJlk0