Flush It Friday: Three Alternatives to Delicate Band Tees

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With all due respect to Joe (I can insult him now that I’ve said that), why in the hell would I want to wear a comfortable, well-fitting shirt when I’m such a big, strong, throbblingly masculine man with such huge muscles and boaners that I’m concerned about my shirt tearing at the first flex of my deltoid when I punch unsuspecting high school girls in the back of the head in the circle pit? Unlike you nerds and weaklings who run and read this site, I need something mighty to support my impressive girth while I fight tooth and nail to keep the local scene alive and get my pull all got in the pit. That’s why I’d like to suggest three alternatives to wearing some wienery shirt to a concert. Click here if you’re a Robert E. Howard Adonis and don’t want these SJW’s ruining your genre with their sissy merch.

1. Plate Armor

Man, that’s so badass!

If you’re anything like me, you struggled through Chemistry in high school. Crom, that class sucked! Some egghead tried to pull a joke on me by getting me to sign a petition about banning dihydrogen monoxide; I wasn’t sure what he was on about, but I didn’t like the way he kept chortling to himself and how he was trying to blind me with science, so I stabbed him with his own pencil and shoved him in a locker. I got a varsity letter for that little stunt and a sly wink from Ms. Jackson (Crom, was she smokin’ or what?) as she sent me to the Principal’s Office, so no biggie. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Chemistry sucked because of eggheads like that, but it turns out stupid science has its uses. Like, did you know that steel is a kind of metal? That’s the thing we like! What’s more metal than wearing metal in a mosh pit! You’ll be impervious to those ninja kicks from the scenie weenies and will be metal as af while doing it! Who needs some sissy fabric when you can actually be metal? METAL!

2. Burlap

Hell yeah, brother, now that’s a shirt!

Joe, a weak-willed and soft-skinned baby man who sits in a cubicle all day, doing fake work that doesn’t involve dying of black lung in a mine shaft like a real man, wants fabric that feels soft on his skin. He probably rubs lotion (but not oil, because he is a coward without rippling deltoids that need to be accentuated with oil) on his probably tanned and manscaped torso because he likes soft things like girls and American tees. Well balls to that! I hate lotion! I don’t want to feel like some married stooge who holds his wife’s purse while she tries different scents in Bath and Bodyworks, I want to feel like a man who spends all day hunting alone in the fields, covered in ticks and briars! I want my fabric to feel as scratchy and grating as my horrible acne and various rashes that cover my torso due to lack of hygiene because baths are for private school snobs with their own living establishments and who probably don’t call their parents their roommates! The pain of burlap grating against my constant hives outbreak is a constant distraction from my own inadequacies only makes me more of a man because what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, am I right brother!

3. Nothing

There is nothing more MANLY or more METAL than stripping down to the buff and sweating vigorously on your bros in the pit as your favorite local band keeps the scene alive with another poser-slaying cover set of true metal. Nothing. That sweat is real, brother. It’s proof of your physical exertion and a sign that you listen to the toughest genre around. You know who doesn’t sweat at concerts? Fans of Maroon 5. I don’t care if my ex-girlfriend and the only woman to ever show me affection aside from my mother thought Adam Levine was sex on bread; Maroon 5 is for sissies and men who wear V-neck t-shirts. I’m a man who goes whole hog, dammit; if you’re only willing to show a little V, you’re false and don’t entry. Go full V with the full monty and prove to everyone how big of a man you are while you prey on their carnal fear and lack of consent in the pit. Like a real man. Who hates Maroon 5.


Alternatively, just wear what fits well. Thank you for continue patronage of this digital waste receptacle. We’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

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