Flush it Friday: The Competition Edition
Greetings, flushers, and HAIL, WARRIORS. Welcome to the first ever edition of FLUSH IT FRIDAY: SHOWDOWN, in which two Toilet authors compete to see who had the goodest/baddest/ugliest week. Ready? Let’s do this.
You all know our regular Flush it Friday routine: talk about the good, talk about the bad, talk about the ugly – RT: DON’T FORGET SLAYING POSERS. But today we’re pitting Randall Thor, power metal aficionado, against Guacamole Jim, poser extraordinaire, in a battle to see who’s week has been worse/better/uglier. That’s right: this shit ain’t therapy, this shit is a fight to the damn death! RT: My kind of contest. Only one writer will survive, and it’s up to you, readers. Vote after our epic battle to determine who has had the best/worst/grossest week!
Guac Jim: The Good: I’m loving living in a different part of the world. The wine here is dirt cheap and delicious, the climate warm, the palm trees abundant. My friends are cutting me an amazing deal on rent, so basically I’m living in a tropical paradise with amazing wine, great friends, and some of the most amazing scenery in the world.
Randall Thor: Adorable. If I wanted good food, I’d go to BDubs. If I wanted scenery, I’d google way prettier things than you’re seeing. If I wanted good alcohol, I’d buy PBR. I can do better than this all within 5 minutes of my house and a crappy internet connection. Love life harder, wimp.
Randall Thor: The Good: Sunday I had 3 band practices, and that was pretty exhausting but fun. Monday I worked late on some really nerd cool stuff I’m excited about. Tuesday I played my very first game of Pathfinder, which was also my first experience with pen and paper RPGs, and that was quite an experience. I’m sure I’ll be sharing more stories of Bork the Half-Orc with you all very soon, and Joe will slam me into lockers for it. Wednesday was my birthday, and I got a crap ton of funny stuff posted to my Facebook from friends all over the world! My parents gave me a basket filled with pumpkin spice treats as well as a pair of jeggings. My basic level has risen to astronomical proportions. Work has been great, I’m getting more responsibility bit by bit and gaining the trust of everyone around me in the company.
Guac Jim: To quote our esteemed leader: YOU FUCKEN NERD. You’re a basic-ass bitch whose only validation is off the overpriced bullshit fall-themed drinks you so readily back. Is this “good” news the result of listening to power metal? No wonder I avoid that shit like the plague; I one day desire to put my dick in a vagina. Go back to your basement, neckbeard.
Randall Thor: The Bad: Some drama went down in the Minecraft server I have been playing on. Everyone is still friends, but I’m a bit worried that relationships between some have been strained. Hopefully everything gets resolved very quickly. I’m never stealing a horse in Minecraft again. I’ve also been staying up too late, which was taking its toll on me at work. Easy problem to fix, but eh.
Guac Jim: I almost feel bad for you. In actuality, I feel bad for me, because I’m having trouble coming up with nerd-related insults to throw at you. Your life is bad because of your relationships? The only relationship you’ve had was that one time you fucked a pumpkin with a picture of the Masterlord on it. You’re so lame the only time you’ve brushed up against the law was stealing a fake horse in an online game. Tell me: did your weiner fall off because A) it’s never felt a vagina, or B) you beat it so much to hentai it shriveled and died?)
Guac Jim: The Bad: I got worms. Apparently that’s a thing in tropical areas of the world. I don’t know how I got them – coulda been the street food, coulda been the dog, coulda been most anything – but I got mother fucking worms. And let me tell you, worm shits are the worst shits. I would get a cramping in my gut (that would occasionally wake me up at night), followed by liquidy, dark, diarrhea. This would happen several times a day. I could barely leave the house for fear I’d shit my pants. Thankfully, medication exists for just my problem, and it’s cleared up. But DAMN!
Randall Thor: Psshht. If you want worms, get fleas for your pet, then eat the fleas. You can get tapeworm in your own home, and I’ve been living with fleas for over a month. Catch up to my bad, turd. Plus, you get to use all those bathroom breaks to get paid while you’re at work. Sounds like free money to me. NEXT.
Guac Jim: The Ugly: Worm related shits. Seriously. Take the worst shit you’ve had, add three cups of water, two cups of pain, and one cup of “OH FUCK WHAT DID I JUST EAT?” and you’ve got the worm shits. Have fun waiting until the medication kicks in, too.
Randall Thor: You act like that’s bad? Try having your cat think you’re trying to hurt it after months of love and care, then betraying your trust by clawing your hand so blood that blood spurts across the carpet. Months worth of trust and dedication gone in a heartbeat. Enjoy your time and pain on the toilet, “friend.” Come back when darkness descends into the mind of your beloved cat, and the cat leaves scars both emotional and physical that time does not heal.
Randall Thor: The Ugly: Albus got hurt the other night playing with a string toy. It got stuck between his claws, and he was very upset and meowing angrily when I tried to help him. He clawed me really bad and I bled all over the place for a little bit. I was able to remove it, thankfully. Hopefully he still loves me.
Guac Jim: I actually got nothing on this, other than just pointing out I’m a little happy you were hurt enough to bleed. Albus is hella dope.
Now it’s your turn, flushers. Get your free weekly therapy, right here in the shit-stained bowl of the Toilet ov Hell.