Flush it Friday: My Cat Does Not Have Cancer

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Oh shit, I ruined the surprise. 

I could un-ruin it with a simple application of the DELET key. But I won’t. Because I meant to do it.

[Youtube Skeletor video missing]

BAD: One of our cats, Glenn-Clyde, has had a limp for two weeks. We thought it was a sprain sustained from his interminable quarreling with our other cat, Dennis. Or maybe it was kitty osteoporosis. Or kitty tendonitis. Or rheumatoid kitty arthritis. We hoped it would go away, as kitty limps are prone to do. But it just got worse. So we took G-C to the vet. Which is never inexpensive, and never overwhelmingly likely to provide answers. Anyone with pets already knows that most veterinarians are just shiftless medical-school-washouts who do not know anything–or give a shit–about animals. Case in point: One time I took Dennis to the vet for chronic vomiting, and the vet x-rayed his stomach, and while showing me the x-ray results the vet said, to paraphrase: “See this stuff here? This could be some kind of intestinal obstruction. Or it could be, y’know, fat. We’d have to cut him open to find out.” And on the occasion in question, on which we took Glenn-Clyde to the vet for his limp, the vet took an x-ray, and while showing us the x-ray results the vet said, to paraphrase: “See this stuff here? That could just be his shoulder. Or it could be, y’know, cancer.”

GOOD: What we saw on the x-ray was neither “just his shoulder” nor fucking cancer. It was some kind of bone spur. Somehow this diagnosis was confirmed by a blood test. I don’t know, whatever. Point being: Glenn-Clyde does not have cancer. Turns out he’s just a fat fuck who needs to eat less so that he doesn’t injure himself while lying around the apartment all day in a perpetual swoon. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

UGLY: Stuffing a cat into a cat-carrier. Driving with a cat. The vet bill. The eating regimen we’re going to have to put both cats on, which will invoke endless torrents of bitchy meowing from Glenn-Clyde and Dennis, who, being indoor cats, have nothing better to do than eat between sprawling gluts of sleep.

METAL: In celebration of Glenn-Clyde’s victory over some lazy wannabe doctor’s inability to tell the difference between bone tissue and cancer tissue on an x-ray, I submit to you this glorious sludge hymnal by Kowloon Walled City.

It’s your turn to flush now. Bonus points for pet-related stories. (1 bonus point = 10 wasted seconds of your life.)


To tide you over the weekend, here’s your Weekly Wipe Playlist featuring a bunch of the shit we’ve covered this week on the site.

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  • Brutalist_Receptacle

    THAT IS GOOD NEWS RICHTER WE ARE HAPPY FOR YOU AND CAT

  • tigeraid

    The Good: After my scope procedure the Doctor determined I have Esophageal Thrush, and give me banana-flavoured goop to drink for a couple weeks. So hopefully my throat situation will finally be figured out.

    The Bad: Have to entertain the olelady’s friends this weekend. :/

    The Ugly: World War III.

    • Howard Dean

      By “entertain” the olelady’s friends, do you mean satisfy them sexually as part of a massive and freakish friend orgy? Because that’s what we’re all thinking (well, at least the dirty-minded dewds like me and Gorak).

      • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

        SMAAAAAAAAAASH MILF SNATCH!!!!!!!

      • tigeraid

        Maaaaaaan, she’s smoking hot too. But while the wife is quite open to…. New things, shall we say, threesomes are not one of them. :/

        • more beer

          Lot’s of alcohol can make dreams come true!

  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    Pet story: my wife’s dog spurted up some nasty lookingwater and wasn’t pooping for a few days so we took her to the vet. Paid a bunch of money to get her looked at. Xray showed she was literally full of shit.

  • sweetooth0

    Always good when the pets turn out OK.

    GOOD: the first annual Aggro Culture fest last weekend was a success. Met lots of new friends, and had an awesome time listening to some killer metal/grind/punk and doing lake stuff during the day time all weekend. Oh and drinking beer all day, every day. Gonna head out to the annual summer exhibition tomorrow to see Big Sugar with some friends.

    BAD: Came home with some kind of Aggro flu. Shannon and I have been sick all week, but happily feeling better now that it’s Friday!

    UGLY: due to being sick, my backyard reno project has been put on hold, so I have an ugly mud pit for a backyard now.

  • Howard Dean

    Good: Gonna eat dinner in about an hour and a half. Can’t fucking wait. (It’s the small things).

    Bad/Ugly: Nothing, really.

    Metal:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECrOPbGB9m4

  • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ
    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      Schizophrenia —–> immediate upvote

      Also, more people should give some love to Morbid Visions.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLeb4BkRHaw

      • Howard Dean

        Yeah, Morbid Visions is super rad. Killer raw death/thrash that is pure Brazil circa the mid-80s.

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          Morbid Visions and Bestial Devastation are extremely underrated. I basically love any Sepultura from the beginning up until Chaos AD (yeah, I was still pretty much on board with that album).
          Band just lost me with Roots; tho I do have a copy of that album in my collection as well, but I don’t actually “like” it. About once a year I give that thing a spin and I always end up frustrated. Somehow it’s somewhat of a “classic”…but at the same time it’s just a mess…

          One thing about that 80’s Brazil-style blackened metal is that it has a very specific kind of atmosphere; the Northern European stuff always had somewhat of either a cold or a decrepit kind of vibe, but with the Brazilian stuff there was always sort of a malicious feel of humidity surrounding the music.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aI1ItXX3QV0

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_8zNs3o_EI

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            Songs like “Roots Bloody Roots”, “Rattamahatta” and “Lookaway” are fun to listen to in a mindless slam kind of way, but the album as a whole is a chore to listen to start-to-finish

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Ratamahatta is one of the songs on that album I really enjoy for some reason. Overall it isn’t the worst album in the world, it just strikes me as an extremely convoluted wall of guitar noise and experimental shit…yet at the same time it has a distinct kind of energy really been replicated or duplicated in metal ever since…
            I dunno, it isn’t a good album, yet in strange way it does have a weird kind of charm, which is probably the reason why I keep it in my collection (it was also the final Cavalera-related as well as Sepultura album I ever bought as well).

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            “Ratamahatta” is also my favorite from this album, and I’m not ashamed to say is one of my favorite Sepultura songs overall. To me, it is the only song in which they actually pulled off the ethnic-music-with-groovy-downtuned-riffs sound they were going for in Roots. And I agree with you, the album has some kind of charm that has kept me from parting with it, even if I rarely listen to it (and when I do, its usually only the three songs I mentioned)

      • sweetooth0

        killer songs but the guitar tone just flat out sucks on this album. I still like it though, but Bestial Devastations sounds WAY better and its a demo.

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          Bestial Devastation is killer as well.

      • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

        MORBID VISION HAVE EVERY REASON TO SUCK BUT STILL SOMEHOW GREAT ALBUM!!!!!!!!

    • The Mighty Thorange

      Congrats on the new PC!

      • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

        VAYDO GAME IN 4K & 1440P ROCKS!!!!!!!

        • The Mighty Thorange

          That sounds amazing dude. Even better than my PC.

  • nbm02ss

    Good: It’s Friday, of course. Ditching Facebook has turned into one of the better decisions I’ve made; damn site took too much of my attention away from things I’d rather do with my time.

    Bad: I do miss chatting it up with the TovH folks over on Facebook. :-

    Ugly: Can’t really think of much.

    Hope everyone has a good weekend.

    Edit: Forgot the Metal:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rd-KagCxCIU

    • we miss you too! but your decision is a very wise one.

      • nbm02ss

        If anyone has Discord I’m always down to BS, play vidya gamez, or whatever.

        • nbm02ss

          I guess it would be useful to list my Discord handle: nbm02ss#6305

  • Jeff Manteiga

    Good: NEW CORMORANT TODAY! It tickles every last one of my fancies. And more.

    Bad: Waiting 4 years for new Cormorant.

    Ugly: DMU posts about “fash-wave.” Are you srs? Nazi synths?

    • Count_Breznak

      Never Mind the Dungeon, here’s the Lager.

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      DMU lost their right to an opinion way before they started with their whiny right wing bullshit. I mean, when you trash an album like Gorement’s The Ending Quest, you should just sit down and shut the fuck up.

      • Sir Ukkometso The Based

        Is Gorement Al Gore’s band?

        • Jeff Manteiga

          “An Vngoretvnate Trvth”

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          Al Gore was a straight up riffmaster.

  • Hans

    prolly got a bunch of tumors in her head

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHxN5m6jxus

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Good: Seeing Blaze Bayley tonight, got paid, King Missile is coming to my area

    Bad: none

    Ugly: none

    • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

      NOT ALONE WITH A DREAM
      JUST WANT TO BE FREE
      WITH A NEED TO BELONG
      I AM A CLANSMAN
      FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        He performs that live.

    • KJM, Anla’Shok

      Gonna rock out to some Detachable Penis!! WHOOO!!!

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Madball is also coming here with Wisdom In Chains.

  • JWG

    Here’s a (sideways) picture from a few months ago.

    It’s still accurate because I spend too much of my life as her Doorman as she sits, stares, huffs, circles, sits, stares, then ultimately decides not to go out.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1854b3ef946451e4e50d815e3dbdbe1aeb7b0b772a0bb49934862d1b1538883c.jpg

  • Hans

    Good:
    Seeing Siberian Meat Grinder on Sunday, probably seeing Wake some time next week.
    New The Body/Full of Hell colab announced.
    Listening to Barabbas from that post earlier, seems pretty cool.

    Bad:
    Work. Some people are trying desperately to push their fancy software that downloads and installs a game while simultaneously streaming it and I’m among those who have to test it and point out what a load of crap it is, which results in much whining.

    Ugly:
    My place smells garbage-y, but I hope it’ll be solved by taking the garbage out.

    • Jeff Manteiga

      Shit, is that all I have to do to get rid of the smell?

      • Hans

        I’ll report back once I find out more.

  • KJM, Anla’Shok

    HOORAY FOR KITTEH!!!!!

  • Depechemodeisgangsta

    Hope everyone has a good weekend, i been super busy, so i couldn’t get a chance to check all the stuff on this site.
    This week a manager that i used to work, called me to offer me a job but it was on Los Angeles, and he wanted me to fly out on Wednesday and spend Thursday-Friday, there to check out, the work which is managing a warehouse that does Business with Groupon, Amazon, Walmart, but he needed an answer on that same day Friday, that way they could have made arrangements for the moment of finding me a place to stay, but i couldn’t do it, since it meant leaving the job where i am, which i actually like and i’m happy because i only deal with my boss and no one else, also i didn’t wanted to manage place, i might have taken it, if it was just job, not being supervisor or manager, that’s too much stress and sometimes is not worth it. (sorry for long post)

    I saw GNR and they were actually good, i also found out VENOM INC is coming to Miami (sorry guys i never been a fan of venom, is there 2 different Venom bands now?)
    But Goatwhore is also coming and i dig their music and Toxic Holocaust which i have heard they put on a good live show, i miss Toxic one time they came down here, but everyone said that they were great, so i might go check that show out.

    • more beer

      Yes two Venoms.

      • Depechemodeisgangsta

        Thanks did some research and it shows that are past members with new band, fuck it i might just go see Toxic and Goatwhore and then leave since is a Thursday show and on that Venue main act always starts around midnight.

        • more beer

          My personal opinion on the two Venom’s is. Cronos was always the voice of Venom, he has a unique voice. So without that it isn’t Venom even if Venom Inc has two original members, they don’t have that voice. I have seen the original lineup 3 times so I am good with not seeing either of these lineup’s that both sides are trying to pass off as Venom.

          • Depechemodeisgangsta

            Thanks to me is not a big deal since i’m not a fan of Venom, i just never dug their stuff, i understand the whole “Pioneer extreme band”.
            That way i can just watch Toxic and Goathwore and hopefully be at home around 11:30 Pm or midnight, i’m getting too old to be on shows that end at 1 AM on a weekday, whne i have to get up at 7 next day.

          • more beer

            I totally get that here shows at the bigger venues start early and end early. It is the smaller venues that tend to run late. I do that all the time catch the band I want to see and bounce.

  • JWG

    G: my as-yet-not-precisely-diagnosed stomach issues seem greatly improved (feeling improved, but still not feeling ‘great’) but it’s unclear whether it was the PPI after the last antibiotic course or just the dietary change that’s doing it.

    B: I actually hope it was the PPI, because the only big dietary change was no caffeine. I miss it so, though surprisingly no obvious withdrawals. Yet.

    U: Nada

    M: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_mWe_kshfw

  • The Mighty Thorange

    GOOD: My brother got a new phone and there was a promotional deal where he also got a free PS4. He already has one and he gave it to me. Already have a gaming PC but it means I get to play Horizon: Zero Dawn and The Last of Us so that’s pretty fucking sweet.
    BAD: My university module re-sit deadline is next Tuesday and I have only done about half of the work. Should be able to get it done. Just wish I didn’t spend the past 2 months procrastinating.
    UGLY: Still broke as fuck.
    METAL: https://youtu.be/HQNwyTvEXT4

  • more beer

    Fuck this week glad it will be done after my drive home. Then it is out to see Primitive Man and Eye Hate God. My friend is driving so I am taking a pocket full of cash to get stinking drunk and consume large amounts of marijuana. So at least for tonight I can forget this shit week happened.

    • Señor Jefe El Rossover

      In that case, i hope your weekend rules man!

      • more beer

        Thank you Sir and I hope yours does as well.

    • GoatForest

      Hell yeah, getting smashed is one of the best ways to enjoy an Eyehategod show!

      • more beer

        Yes it is, I drank a shitload of Guinness and smoked a lot of pot. What a killer show, Eye Hate God played a killer set, but Primitive Man who I have seen a lot of times(they are local) play one of the most vicious sets I have ever seen them play. I saw some friends I haven’t seen in a while, and man there were a lot of beautiful metal ladies out tonight. Life definitely seems better than it was this afternoon.

  • HessianHunter

    My housemate’s cat is an outdoor cat, which is tight because we don’t have to constantly fight her over getting outside, but also means we have to mercy-kill a poor bird or mouse every time she decides she’s in a “torturing innocent adorable animals’ kind of mood approximately once per week. She’s a terrifying murder machine who exclusively uses her power for evil, yet we let her snuggle up with us on the couch every day. How ’bout that for love, eh?

    • more beer

      My cat is exactly the same. But they are fierce predators. Who are we to stand in the way of nature?

  • Elmo

    Good: ELMO! ELMO IS GOOD!

    Bad: ToH THINK ELMO IS SPAM!

    Ugly: FOUND OUT BERT USES SWEARS. ELMO SAD!

    ELMO HAPPY KITTY IS HAPPY! ELMO LIKE KITTYS!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=15&v=3v_WZb8DrXg

    • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

      WHAT WRONG WITCH YOOZING SWEARS!!!!!!!!!
      FUCK SHIT FUCK FUCK KOKK PUSSY CUNTS ANUS STEEL RESERVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • more beer

        NOTHING!

      • Elmo

        ELMO NOT KNOW WHAT THOSE WORDS ARE OR MEAN.

        THE SWEAR BERT USED WAS ‘BOTTOM’

        OH NO!!!! ELMO NEED TO WASH MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP!!!! BAD ELMO!!!!!

        • more beer

          Hahaha! Elmo’s a bottom. Make sure Bert brings lube.

          • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

            ELMO BUTTS GONNA HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          • more beer

            I am willing to bet Bert won’t even spit in his ass.

          • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

            DAMN!!!!!! BERT IZ CRUEL TOP!!!!!!!

          • more beer

            See above.

          • Bert

            What the hell!!

          • more beer

            Oh you know!

          • Bert

            Yeah, I guess. Prairie Dawn knows all about that.

      • Bert

        Yeah! You know it bitch!

        • more beer

          You’re kind of yellow, do you have Hep C?

          • Bert

            Nah, apparently I have an oriental ancestory.

          • more beer

            Nice try but you got the Hep from your bottom bitch Elmo.

          • Bert

            Hey, leave Elmo out of it. He’s a good kid, and still innocent.

            If anyone was gonna be by bum bitch it’d have been Ernie. He tried it on but I killed him before he got anywhere near by butt.

          • more beer

            See Elmo,s comment below.

          • Bert

            Ah shit! I didn’t know he was on. Better delete my comments before he wakes up in the morning.

          • more beer
          • Bert

            Hey! I been accused of a few things. There’s even a website dedicated to me and my misadventures but Elmo’s off limits. He and my nephew Brad don’t need to know about that shit.

          • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ
          • Bert

            I’m not even gonna click on that to know what BDF is but for sure it won’t have anything to do with me.

          • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ
          • Bert

            Ah well. It is what it is.

          • more beer

            Elmo outed you, too late you innocence stealing pervert.

          • Bert

            Nah, that’s BS. That was someone impersonating Elmo just to get an out-of-court settlement. They’re dead now.

          • more beer

            Lets see the body!

          • Bert

            There’s no body left to see. I made sure of the faking little bastard.

            https://www.google.fr/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F7qS52F9.gif&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fimgur.com%2Fgallery%2F7qS52F9&docid=2zX95QiETHVjIM&tbnid=G-XWhZuXmYvOfM%3A&vet=10ahUKEwiC3smHvtDVAhWC0RoKHV5BClMQMwglKAAwAA..i&w=800&h=392&client=firefox-b&bih=636&biw=1366&q=elmo%20being%20roasted%20gif&ved=0ahUKEwiC3smHvtDVAhWC0RoKHV5BClMQMwglKAAwAA&iact=mrc&uact=8#h=392&imgdii=8_HHhQOY2Bfu-M:&vet=10ahUKEwiC3smHvtDVAhWC0RoKHV5BClMQMwglKAAwAA..i&w=800

            Holy shit that’s a long link!!!

          • more beer

            So you get them when they are asleep then burn them. I approve!

          • Bert

            Damn right! Lil shits need to know they can’t screw around with Bert.

          • Howard Dean

            MENTORS! Hahaha.

          • more beer

            Imagine if that album came out now the SJW uproar.

        • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

          WHO MR. DILDO HEAD CALINN A BITCH?!?!?!?!?!

          • more beer

            You need to SMAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          • Bert

            You, you bitch. I call everyone I like ‘bitch’.

  • ThunderLager

    GOOD: Met a ton of rad people in Chicago this past week/weekend. One of whom had an Entombed “Left Hand Path” shirt. It’s now Friday and I have beer.
    BAD: Fucked up my elbow last weekend and still am recovering, continued unemployment and lack of motivation/anxiety about getting a new job & relocating.
    METAL: Someone I met in Chicago told me about this rad band from Miami, Cave of Swimmers https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qz4QHbHxrRs

  • Taylor

    Good: I finally got caught up on podcasts here, taking the advantage of the 6+ hour drive from my grandparents’ house to my house. I hopefully going on a shirt backpacking trip next week.

    Bad: I’ve been staying up all night and waking up early (for me) so I’m pretty exhausted.

    Ugly: nothing so far!

  • Kyle Reese

    Let’s talk about the cats and the carriers and the car. I get that they’re probably old by now, but why kind of carrier do you have? And did you ever take them on car rides that didn’t end in them being at the vet? Our cat doesn’t really love the car, but after five minutes he’s cool, if you let him out of the carrier. He doesn’t mind getting put in the carrier either. It’s a mesh, backpack thingy. He uses it as a hideout when it’s left around at home. Did any of this change as the cats got older? Our dude is just one year plus, and I’ve noticed he becomes more resistant to baths, claw clippings, and other indignities we put him through.

    Glad your cat is ok. A bone spur should keep it from getting drafted. We were real surprised when our vet was like, ya declaw that sucker. We’re like, no, the furniture is not that important. We have a yuppy vet in Highland Park of Dallas, TX. Like people can’t get more yuppy than they do in that neighborhood. When people get any more rich, they just think of themselves as celebrities, like, I assume, everyone with money in L.A. does.

    • more beer

      I was given a kitten and didn’t have a carrier. So I just took him in my truck, after a couple of minutes of driving, he posted up on my shoulder and stayed there for the whole ride. I never had a problem taking him in the truck again. He was a pretty awesome cat. Never declaw your cat that’s their defense. Would like it if someone cut off your fists? Same thing.

      • Kyle Reese

        I enjoy this story, more beer.