Flush It Friday: Home Ownershit

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The day has finally arrived. You’ve made it through another status quo week of doing minimal work while the IT guys at your job have failed to notice that you’ve spent 35.5 hours of your work week on this site. Join me as we shit out the week that was, doing it the only way we know how to do it around here.

Being a homeowner has its perks, but ultimately it means you owe a lot of money to Corporate America for a very long period of time, so you have to be a responsible adult or wind up in some crust punk basement if you don’t have friends or family that will take you in. That being said, I will hit you off with the bad stuff first and attempt to end on a positive note.

Bad: The house I currently reside in is turning out to be a grandiose architectural failure that can no longer be inhabited by a family of four, so we’re looking to ditch this place within the next three years. In order to do that, some fixing up needs to take place, and I’m not the handiest guy in the world. We’ll be making minimal upgrades in hopes of turning this place over to some sad sack, know nothing, home owner to be. My major home improvement achievement thus far has been switching out the electrical outlets without frying myself in the process. The yard needs landscaping, ceilings need to be replaced, the kitchen needs to be slightly updated along with a host of other improvements just to make this place sellable. To further complicate matters, some immediate issues, such as insect invasions and having to replace a dryer, have emerged, so we’ve had to handle that while the wife is still on maternity leave. It would be great if any of the following things would happen to this house right now without me and my family in it :

  • Godzilla comes by and takes a monstrous shit and caves the entire place in or yells lightning and takes it out
  • A tornado hits and carries this place off to Oz
  • A massive sink hole emerges and swallows the house into the void
  • An earthquake could probably level this place too with the right magnitude
  • If all the trees in my yard were to simultaneously fall on the house and destroy it. This would be a double victory because not only would insurance cover the loss and build a new house just like in the other scenarios but all the trees would be gone which would eliminate fall cleanup.

To those of you who have have no financial commitments for your living quarters, I envy you mightily and dedicate this song to you:

Ugly: The potential cost of making all the upgrades so we can get the hell outta here.

Good: I have four days off starting today. As you read this, I sit unshaven and unbathed in the comfort of my own home while most of you are sitting at your desk, shaven and bathed. I take pride in the fact that I did neither of those things today. I took off because a) fuck work, nobody should have to do that and b) I’m going to a wedding on Sunday and I’d be doing a disservice to the bride and groom if I did not take full advantage of the open bar situation. I do not have to drive because my wife is the designated driver which means she will also have to put up with me blasting grindcore and hip hop on the ride home. That seems a bit harsh, I know, because I do this when I’m sober, so maybe I’ll put on some lovey dovey shit and croon like Justin Timberlake for fifteen minutes to soften the blow. There’s no telling what will actually transpire, so I’ll have to report back to you all after the proceedings.

By now you’ve probably heard enough of my idiotic ramblings. I’d now like to turn the floor over to the rest of my esteemed colleagues so you can spew whatever ails you on this fateful Friday. Like Phobia says, “Your Turn Next”.

Image (VIAThat is not my house

 

  • Void Dweller

    Good: Friday

    Bad: It will be Monday in two days.

    Ugly: another mass shooting.

    • Kevin Nash & Friends

      Again? I didn’t hear about another mass shooting.

      • Void Dweller

        In Louisiana.

        • Kevin Nash & Friends

          Goddamnit. Can these stop happening already?

          • No. Not in this country nor in our lifetimes.

          • *or ever

          • JW(E)G

            Voluntary Annexation by Canada.

            It’s really the only way.

          • Howard Dean

            To quote the American ambassador to the U.N. in the South Park movie: Fuck Canada.

      • J.R.™

        3 people dead including the shooter. Hardly “mass” shooting. Maybe because it was within a Mass of people? I’m unfamiliar with the intricacies of the term

        • Void Dweller

          Well, the media is calling it that.

        • There were a bunch of (hopefully) non-fatal injuries.

          • J.R.™

            good point, I couldn’t recall the injured numbers.

    • If today is Friday in two days it will be Sunday. Genius. 😛

      • Void Dweller

        Close enough. Work is almost done and I need a beer.

        • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

          That’s all that matters.

      • FUN FUN FUN FUN EVRRBODY LOOKING FORAWRED TO THE WEEEKNED!

        GL

    • Mother Shabubu 4

      Can we just ban humans already? What a horrid species.

      • Void Dweller

        Don’t I wish.

      • Disgustache

        Talk to Cybernetic about wiping them out.

      • Not all of them, just the scumbags so the rest of us can have a civilized soceity.

        • Mother Shabubu 4

          Nah, every human is a scumbag. It just takes a little more to get the scumbag to come out in some of us.

  • Kevin Nash & Friends

    Good: I saw Letlive and they were good, “Skid Row” is coming to my area

    Bad: I have 4 hours next week, this week’s paycheck will be miserably small

    Ugly: Hulk Hogan’s racism. Scott Steiner’s hatred of Hogan has some justification I guess.

    • I enjoy Letlive, I think they are working on a new album.

      • Kevin Nash & Friends

        Their performance was awesome. One of the openers was from Iceland.

    • Cunt Cunt

      Guess you could say its come crashing down and it hurts inside for Hulk . . . I’ll show myself out.

      • KJM

        You could say Hulk has shown that he is a “Real American” with those comments!!(braces for hook)

        • Cunt Cunt

          *golf applause*

  • “I sit unshaven and unbathed in the comfort of my own home…”

    Me too, brother. Me too.

  • The Good: You guys!

    Have a great weekend yall!

    GL

  • The Battle Born NDN

    Good: I’m finally getting my vehicle running next week.

    Bad: There’s a country music festival going on in the next town.

    Ugly: Having to make a booze run with a shit ton of country folk wandering around (about ten times more than there usually is there)

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Good: First beerless weekend in a while, needed this.
    Bad: On the other hand, no beer.
    Ugly: The face you make when you realize there will be no beer.

    • does. not. compute.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        Completely conflicted.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Finland = beer.

          This is what I’ve learned in the last several years. Am I wrong?

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            You are not wrong. I must be half-Danish.

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            Finland = sad

  • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

    I’d like to point out that King Ghidorah, not Godzilla, is the one who breathes lightning (although they’re technically called gravity beams).

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kH8yX2UWKU

  • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

    Good: Got my 4 day all venues MDF ticket before they sold out.

    Bad: $300 gone, just like that.

    Ugly: Not being able to drink beer and listen to metal at high volumes after work on Fridays. Fortunately this is not the case for me today.

    Beer and Metal >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    • Stanley

      How come you can’t listen to beer and drink metal on Friday’s?

      • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

        It rarely ever happens. I’m just saying that it would be ugly if it were the case.

        • Stanley

          Lol. That’s fucking hilarious.

    • KJM

      Looks like 1/2 the acts I want to see are on the 26th.

      • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

        DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

        • KJM

          Those amps will be leaking resin by the end of the night. DANK.

  • ME GORAK B.C.™

    GOOD:https://youtu.be/jSVqclCr4fI

    SMASH BAD & UGLY!!!!!!!!!!!
    NILE ROCKS!!!!!!!!!

    • Disgustache

      Why do all the metal videos have lyrics on them now? I can’t read when I’m banging my fucking head.

    • Vladimir Poutine

      A track finally released?! Thanks the gods!

      • ME GORAK B.C.™

        SUN GOD RA!!!!!!!!!!

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Everytime someone discusses homeowning I become more and more certain I’ll never get myself a one. Mere inconvenience for the most part it always seems.

    • If you’re not handy, it can be a pain if the place needs updating. I probably belong in a condo but I’m still going to move into another house.

      • KJM

        I’m good with paying rent & utilities and nothing else.

        • I did that when I was younger. Didn’t like the idea of paying someone else’s mortgage.

          • KJM

            I’m not a family man so it’s just not practical for me. I’m happy to keep my little apartment clean and let somebody else worry about the major shit.

          • I’d probably be doing the same if I was in your situation.

          • more beer

            Same here. No family so I don`t want all that extra crap to deal with. Plus I have an awesome living situation. That is cheap for where I live. Which allows me to live this expensive metal lifestyle..

    • Howard Dean

      I’d honestly never want to rent again. I’d much rather own the place and be able to call the shots all while paying down the mortgage and building equity in a long term investment. I really love my house.

      • Lacertilinger

        Same, me and the wife payed rent for 8 years and even though it was cheap, it was only $100 less a week than owning the fucking place and doing what I want without fear of being evicted.
        Now we are 2+ years into a 30 year mortgage but I can plant trees, break stuff and sacrifice goats wherever I please.

        • Howard Dean

          Hear hear. Fuck landlords!

          • Lacertilinger

            Never having to move again is something I cherish.
            Fuck landlords & fuck moving.

  • The Fish Boz

    GOOD: I love burgers.

    BAD: I can’t stop thinking about burgers. And armpits.

    UGLY: Burgerbeershits.

    • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

      I bet Jex Thoth’s armpits smell like burgers.

      • The Fish Boz

        You tryna make me move to Wisconsin, dude?

    • Been eating like a an upscale vegan douche all week. I’m going to reward myself by eating shitty food and drinking good beer.

  • DoYouThinkHeSaurus

    The Bad: Jurassic World is getting a sequel in 2018 🙁
    The Good: I’ll get to write my second article for TovH in 2018 🙂

    • Disgustache

      <(^.^<)

    • Bryce Dallas Howard sure is fun to look at doe…

      • Lacertilinger

        I took Mrs Lizard to see Ant-Man at her request and your approval, with those movie vouchers she got for her 30th.
        I have things to say.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        You mean Jessica Chastain

        • Tyree

          Well done.

    • If there’s more dinosaur toys crashing into each other, I’m there.

  • Mother Shabubu 4

    Good: New goalie sticks, a few games this weekend, finally getting back into the gym.

    Bad: My sleep habits fucked me over this week, but I’m getting back on track (Read that in Hetfieldian tongues for “Frantic” lulz.). Realized that aside from parents/animals/immediate family that I have never had a serious relationship, let alone upkeep the ones I have with my IRL frienz.

    Ugly: This girl’s voice I heard yesterday. Picture a high pitched, annoying female voice. Now picture it going up at the end of every sentence like everything is a question. Now picture it sounding like she has that weird light sound to her voice like when you have to clear your throat, only she does. Now picture it sounding like she has to let out a yawn but can’t. It was so awful it made me angry.

    • Disgustache

      God I am sorry.

      • Mother Shabubu 4

        I know. Her voice makes harsh noise seem listenable

  • J.R.™

    The Good: Six Flags tomorrow with my Dankest Brethren and Lady J.R.. Snagged me on of them Toilet T-shirts, so I am excited about the increased sex appeal and general appreciation it will nab me. Also it appears I will be working at the ACT prep place I used to go to in High School, which most certainly helped me into College all scholarshipped and beautiful.

    The Bad: I’m going to Six Flags despite the fact I have a huge report due Monday and a Dynamics Final that I REALLY NEED TO DO GOOD ON on Tuesday. But Lady has a coupon so we have to go.

    The Ugly: Them not-Toilet-shirt wearing folk. I remember when I used to wade amongst them, before my GLORIOUS ASCENSION

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

      Ayyy, my second job is SAT and ACT test prep. Good on you.

      • J.R.™

        Buddy of mine went in to apply, and the guy in charge asked if I was interested too, because he remembered me from all those years ago, so that was a nice feeling.

        • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

          Congrats!

    • Disgustache

      Not really wading, but still. Walk Among Us.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eje6XG1f5vc

    • haha
      i like your brother

      • J.R.™

        He’s alright. He’s working a Boy Scout camp out west all summer

  • Also Bad: My wife left the house at 8AM this morning to get her hair did. Left me with two kids who barely slept and did not return until 3PM. Great start to my time off, can’t wait to drink.

    • more beer

      You need to train those kids to bring you beer!

      • My son is fully trained and certified.

        • more beer

          Then your work is done!

  • Maik Bozinton™

    My parents are thinking of getting a smaller apartment because they both work out of town and the only ones that actually live here is me and my sister, and ours is expensive while not really worth all that money, I don’t know when that gonna happen though.
    The only thing that has to be done here is change the doors of every room, they are all destroyed because of our cats and look like crap.

  • Sir Tapir The Based

    Good: motherfucking blue cheese
    Bad: motherfucking rain
    Ugly: motherfuckers

    • Bitter (Tyree) Debra
    • Maik Bozinton™
    • Stanley

      I would enjoy bathing in blue cheese.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Amen, Finnbro

    • Vladimir Poutine

      Cherry peppers stuffed with blue cheese and pancetta >>>>>>>

      • more beer

        That sounds delicious!

        • Vladimir Poutine

          A drunken discovery of mine a few years back (when I was living by DU).

          • more beer

            It sounds like a dam good discovery I will try it. I was in that area last week.

          • Vladimir Poutine

            Granted, it’s been a couple years now, but when I was living there that area didn’t have much to redeem it aside for Jerusalem. That place is the bomb, though.

          • more beer

            There are a couple of places I stop to eat at when I’m rolling thu there during work. But it’s not a part of the city hang out in too often.

          • Vladimir Poutine

            It has its merits, I’ll give it that much for sure. Is Crown Burger up on Colorado Blvd still going?

          • more beer

            Yea it`s still there. They got competition from JJD`s uncle who`s a part owner of Smashburger.

          • Vladimir Poutine

            Aha. Crown’s smothered breakfast burrito was, and probably is still, the ultimate hangover food.

          • more beer

            I know a few more places that make a pretty slamming smothered breakfast burrito. But yea as far as hang over food. It’s way up on the list.

          • more beer

            I know a few more places that make a pretty slamming smothered breakfast burrito. But yea as far as hang over food. It’s way up on the list.

  • This week is bullshit but all of you folks are good and lovely. If you need me I’ll be out drankin’.

  • Cunt Cunt

    Good: after quitting my old job and going back to college I finally got a job in the industry I want to work in, feels fucking awesome. Going to a thrash gig in a local pub that sells cheap pints tomorrow.
    Bad: as the tapir said “motherfucking rain”, a bit of sun would be lovely
    Ugly: my head and body following tomorrow nights gig.

    • Disgustache

      Grats! Where did you get a job? I’m just about to embark on my quitting-work-to-go-to-school-and-then-come-back-to-work journey.

      • Cunt Cunt

        With a small media company in the south of Ireland, I’ll be doing video editing and production, then hopefully make the move to Dublin in a year or so. The whole going back to school is long and wallet sapping but completely worth it. What are you going back to do?

    • fuck! your name and avatar will never not make me laugh! cheers m8

      • Cunt Cunt

        cheers dude, it was the stupidest thing that came to mind when I set this up.

  • Malted Hate
    • Bitter (Tyree) Debra

      YES! I Listened to this this morning. So fucking good.

    • Disgustache

      Heard these slayers on Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrradio Fenriz.

  • Waynecro

    The good: It’s Friday, which means I get to eat something other than chicken and broccoli after my lifting session tonight. All the pretzels and cookies.
    The bad: Possible weeklong furloughs in August. I just bought a house, and the thought of the company I work for going tits up makes me very nervous.
    The ugly: It’s humid as fuck. I’ve lived in California all my life. I don’t understand weather. I’m sticking to everything.

    • Disgustache

      And your balls are sticking to everything else.

      • Waynecro

        Dude, seriously. Like it’s made of wrinkly flypaper. I think I need to spray the fellas down with cooking spray and lie in the dark.

        • Disgustache
          • Waynecro

            There’s too much moisture in the air, but the state doesn’t have enough water. My grass is dead, and I miss flushing piss. Do something, science!

        • Dubzlinger, Malandro Slayer

          Gold Bond is your friend, my friend.

          • Waynecro

            And a great name for a power-metal fanzine.

  • Disgustache

    The good: I just got my bonus at work which means an extra paycheck this month. I’m also traveling for work which means huge amounts of overtime and double time for the next week. I get Friday and Saturday home alone before leaving, so I’ll get to play metal as loud as I want, play video games in my underwear and watch porno with big fake nasty tits.

    Bad: I’m leaving my job to go back to school, which is also good, but I’m sad to leave the company. Funny how that happens. My insides are all a-flutter.

    Ugly: New piercing is crustier than some of the music you dudes like on here. Healing up is going well, but god damn the crust.

  • sweetooth0

    GOOD: Danzig show in Edmonton tomorrow
    BAD: driving by myself for 5 hrs to Edmonton tonight and back again on Sunday. Gonna need some major intense metal and energy drinks so I don’t nod off at the whell
    UGLY: Planning on bringing up some of the red wine I went in on and not looking forward to how many sizes too big my head will be feeling on Sunday.

  • Morcos Ongol

    Good: I’m moving into a sweet ol’ rental house at the end of the month. Brand new hardwood floors are getting installed and the whole place is getting painted before we move in.

    Bad: the place is old as fuark and is going to be cold as liv tyler’s dead elven titties in the winter

    Ugly: I bought some girl’s dreadlocks on etsy and plan to attach them to my head

    • Lacertilinger

      How much for the sweet dreddy deal?

    • Bozamole Jim

      Whoa man, you bought dreads online?? Fucking wild

  • sorry guise, i’m not good at these.
    The Good: seeing Van Halen this Sunday night! m/ (sorry @joshuathackston:disqus)
    The Great: Ant-Man was great!
    The Beautiful: my hair in another year, it’s gettin long……

    • Scrimm

      Dead to me. DEAD.

    • The Fish Boz

      Will you let me take a lock of your beautiful hair home with me when I finally meet you?

    • Kevin Nash & Friends

      I hope to see Van Halen if their tour isn’t cancelled by September.

    • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

      I want to see Mr Sherlock with Ian McKellan (i dgaf about wordz). Supposedly very good

      • Lacertilinger

        I saw a poster for that, I’ll probably go see it too.
        Mostly because I have deliberately ignored the recent flurry of Holmes incarnations, Jeremy Brett = Sherlock.

    • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

      Ur hair < Mah beard.

    • Nicki Minaj’s Cannibal Diaper

      Seemed like a goofy concept for a comic/movie, but the trailers looked awesome. I’m waiting for Deadpool.

      http://i.imgur.com/rKDdIMU.gif

      • KJM

        I dig Deadpool.

        • Nicki Minaj’s Cannibal Diaper

          Even more than Dickbutt?

          • KJM

            Let’s not get carried away here.

      • it’ll be interesting as it’s rated R!

    • Maik Bozinton™

      I wish my parents would let me have long hair, but then again sometimes it looks like a rat’s nest.

  • Shrimp in a Pizza Box OV HELL

    The What Am I Even Doing With My Life: How much I’ve played WoW in the last week.

  • JW(E)G

    Bad: typing out a big long paragraph, when you need to copy and paste a URL but are on Safari for IOS. Open tab: c&p URL. Return to this page, which refreshes automatically to show new disqus posts. Augh.

    Good:
    https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/petersimeti/if-a-science-fiction-anthology-from-36-comic-book
    Brought to you by the creator of The Chair. Funded in 2 days. Time left and rate of growth suggests 700% funded at the final day, less than a third of which could guarantee 2016 and 2017 editions.

    Ugly:
    so much going on, I don’t know where to start. One or more of you will cover it, though…

  • Scrimm

    Good: Cd’s in the mail, Defeated Sanity next week.
    Bad: 7 days in row working.
    Ugly: Waiting for the new Maiden to drop.

  • Vladimir Poutine

    The Good: succeeded in my goal of having a post-work beer in the break room with the science team today. Yay for social networking. My buddy halfway across the country sent me a few CD’s. And I got tickets to Trap Them in August.

    The Bad: having a hyperactive basket case for a coworker is not helping my on-the-job anxiety.

    The Ugly: uploading wires into Salesforce while spastically switching one’s music between Coffinworm and Antigama. That was a brain-beatdown if ever there was one.

  • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

    The Good: One of those “off” weekends . . . because I’m off work. Sitting here drinking Skyy vodka, dyeing armor in ESO (cuz i’m a f@g), and watching Blue Bloods.

    The Bad: Who gives a shit?

    The Ugly: What tomorrow’s Vodka Shits will do to my b-hole.

  • Nicki Minaj’s Cannibal Diaper

    The good: The Native Construct interview got posted, which got me all girly and giggly last night. Working on a couple of others, but keeping those secret for now. Other than that, pretty chill week.
    The bad: had a bad stomach virus Tuesday, which resulted in one long stream of liquidy, godless, explosive diarrhea on Wednesday. The toilet is in critical condition and every living thing within 50 miles had to be evacuated. And the birds migrated a lot earlier this year.
    The Ugly: Angie Griffin.

    https://farm4.staticflickr.com/3782/9515447792_ba3d5c751b_o_d.jpg

    And whoever this is:

    http://i.imgur.com/1HCAvtm.jpg

  • KJM

    Doomgoat strikes again!!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      RIP Doomgoat

    • Lacertilinger

      where is Hubert?

  • THE GOOD: Heading back to Ohio on Monday, I’ll be able to work as a contractor doing QA now.

    THE BAD and THE UGLY: The new Adam Sandler movie is out.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFD2293oGvA

    • CT-12

      I didn’t know 365DaysofHorror had a youtube! hahaha that guy fucking roasted Sandler hahaha!

      • Maik Bozinton™

        He talks so fast I can barely make sense of what he is saying.

      • XXX Atomic Wedgie Massacre

        Link me up! I’d definitely check that out!

        • CT-12

          Sorry, haha, I think I was misunderstood. Cybernetic’s original video had a guy with all the ranting skill of 365DOH. Check out the original video Cybernetic posted. Sorry about that!

    • XXX Atomic Wedgie Massacre
  • Maik Bozinton™

    For @tyreegearhart:disqus .

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNIY0wwQdWI

  • Kevin Nash & Friends

    Just watched Sharknado 3. Whoever wrote this masterpiece deserves every Oscar for the rest of history. Infinity/10.

  • john

    The Good: My first article for the Toilet is about to be published!
    The Bad: We’re also trying to sell our house, Deuce, and we have an offer–but the buyers are dragging their feet meeting conditions. We’re nervous as fuck!
    The Ugly: I have to fucking work tomorrow and there is no justice in the world. 🙁

    • I imagine it’s a lot different when your trying to sell. Extremely advantageous when you’re a first time home buyer. Most people can wait until the right deal comes along.

  • EsusMoose

    Late to the party:
    Good: Got my first haul of the year, Lantlos, Leprous and Elder
    Bad: My mind is numb
    Ugly: I Don’t Know

  • pïgchop™

    No weekend would be complete without a rock n’ roll sermon!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_AcmtmegKI

  • Lo Pan’s High Cuisine

    Hello Ron. Hire (through a friend of a friend of a friend) a ‘landscaping’ guy (ya know…friend of a friend of a friend) to remove trees from your yard. Be sure it is understood by the ‘landscaping’ guy that he should begin his cut on the correct side of the tree…the side which will ensure the tree comes down and caves in your roof.

    The ‘landscaping’ guy should flee to parts unknown. Yeah, you dumb-ass – you hired an unknown to cut down a tree and he fucked up and, ran away. Make your insurance claim and sin no more.