It’s that time of the week, folks. Let us come together to flush away every bit of shit this week threw at you, and welcome the pure, sparkling water that will take its place in the magnificent, gleaming toilet bowl that is your life.
The last time I wrote this column, I noted my penchant for working 14-hour days at two different jobs and still finding time to go to shows and party at a heroic standard. After finally getting burnt out on my non-stop “sleep is for the weak” life, and after 3 years of servitude to a massive, shitty corporation, I quit my service industry job to have more free time and live something resembling a “real” life. My plan was foiled, however, by the most nefarious villain in my life – me.
I suppose I technically have more “free time” now, but for the past 6 months, approximately 100% of that free time has gone to practicing in my new band. I want to spend as much of my young life as I can on the road, and I managed to find a like-minded musician who wants to put all the effort and hours and money into finding a common vision, hunting it down, capturing it in a net, taming it, and riding that motherfucker into a sunset full of fame*, riches**, and groupies***.
Along the way we’ve pissed off neighbors with daily marathon basement practices, broken too many drumsticks and guitar picks to count, and gone through several dozen terrible names before settling on a terrible name that is at least kinda funny sounding. I also got the stupid idea to play keyboard while drumming for our songs and now I can’t get drunk before I play because I actually have to pay attention when I’m pretending to be an expert at an instrument I barely understand.
A month ago it was finally time to bring this shitshow to a stage, and we’ve been a tear of performing ever since. Tonight, a mere 16 or so hours before this post goes live, we got called in last-minute to play a charity show (our 5th show ever and 3rd this week), which involved us playing our tightest set yet to a room full of fresh ears who all seemed to dig our weirdness hard. I have high hopes for this project and touring my ass off all around the continent with it.
The good news doesn’t end there – although I’ve enjoyed all my recent free time, I missed biking like a maniac and bringing people food for money. By writing an obnoxiously self-aggrandizing letter that made the whole company crack up, I managed to get the most coveted delivery job in the city. It’s a job delivering tacos all around south Minneapolis for a small business owned by my peers and staffed largely by my friends. On Tuesday I worked one of my famous 14 hour days between two jobs yet again and relished every bit of it, including my pit stop at the CC Club after my shift ended.
Wait, this all sounds like good news – where’s the BAD, HessianHunter? Well, a couple months ago I got my heart completely broken for the first time since swearing off relationships 3 years ago. Without being too revealing about my own and others’ private lives – I’ve been a serial casual dater for years, but it only two dates with this Tinder match for me to decide I’m ready to finally settle down and get all lovey-dovey with a seemingly divine individual whose compassion and thoughtfulness transcended that of all other humans I’ve known. But in a cruel twist of fate, after a needless, drunken argument with bar staff, this individual went off in a huff, leaving me alone in the Minnesota cold, never to speak to me again. Absolutely none of it was my fault and the thought of not seeing her again made me want to hurl my guts out until I permanently turned inside-out.
But alas, it simply wasn’t meant to be, and life continues. I have a new band, and new gig, and a profound joy in simply being alive. Endlessly busy days and nights call to me, and I happily answer their earnest pleas.
It’s your turn, friends. Overshare or undershare as much as you please, and let us all bask in the warm glow of validating comments from your fellow Toilet-dwelling dorks.
^This video made me crack the fuck up this week.
Dave King is a genius and this is at least 60% of why.
*AKA: A mention as an “up and coming” act in Alternative Press while 6 years into our career
**AKA: Breaking even on gas money after finding $20 on the ground outside the venue
***AKA: Cute, friendly dogs in the dingy apartments we crash in at night