Flush It Friday: Gulag Ugly Xmas Sweater Parties

843
67
Share:

In the case of The People vs. The Inventor of the Ugly Xmas Sweater, we find the defendant guilty as hell.

This evening, my wife and I will attend one of these trendy Ugly Christmas Sweater parties hosted by several other doctors from the University of North Carolina. This fact displeases me, not because I do not wish to attend a party (I do), but because Ugly Christmas Sweater parties are dumb. This is the true wasteful vice of our generation, and it must be stopped.

Don’t know what an Ugly Christmas Sweater party is? It’s literally a party where you’re expected to wear some ratty old sweater with some abominable design, like two reindeers copulating or a cubist rendering of St. Nicholas. That’s it. Supposedly these were born out of some sort of surplus of ugly Christmas sweaters, as if each and every one of us inherited some nasty hand-me-down from our parents from a time when people had less refinement and taste.

The problem is that we do not all have ugly Xmas sweaters. There is literally no other reason to own one than for these stupid parties; it’s a gaudy, tinsel-flavored ouroboros of stupidity dining on its own tacky holiday rump. Ugly Christmas sweaters are single use garments, as disposable as wedding rehearsal dinner dresses. You would not, I sincerely hope, ever wear one of these in public otherwise, even to Walmart at 3 am because you’re lonely and really need to eat your feelings over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

And yet, because there’s nothing people enjoy this time of year more than stupid, wasteful excess, f this stupid social trend, an entire cottage industry has sprung up to sell you an ugly Christmas sweater. Were your parents sophisticated professionals of taste and refinement? Well, you’re in luck! Now you can go to tipsyelves.com and buy an ugly sweater and pretend that you weren’t born into privilege and perpetuate this farcical approximation of poor child-rearing.

It’s excessive. It’s gaudy. And I simply won’t stand for it.

At least there will be wine.

______________

Anyway, the floor is yours. Share with me your good, bad, and ugly.

Thank you for your continued patronage of this digital waste receptacle. We’ll catch you on the flipside.

Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!
  • Tom Warriors Beanie

    Lol’d at “gaudy, tinsel-flavored ouroboros of stupidity.”

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    just wear your lolbuttz tee

    • Dubby Fresh

      That’s not a half-bad idea. It’s not half-good either, but not half-bad.

    • Brutalist_Receptacle
      • GrumpLumpusCrumpus

        SANTA DOES DELIVER THE PACKAGE

        • more beer

          I found out today that he drives a 1st generation Toyota 4runner with 33’s when I was getting parts for mine today.

          • Señor Jefe El Rossover

            I’m going to see Judge tonight at a hadcore fest, should be a good time! Iron Age is playing as well

          • more beer

            Sweet Judge fucking rules enjoy.

          • Señor Jefe El Rossover

            They sounded great last night! The crowd went nuts

  • Freedom Jew
    • Freedom Jew

      Also, I spent the day trolling Roy Moore, and got blocked by him on 6 different accounts for posting 25-30 Roy Moore memes at a time. It was a good day.

      • Dubby Fresh

        Do this to Ajit Pai plz.

      • GoatForest

        You’re doing God’s work.

      • Óðinn

        Loser Roy Moore, the loser.

  • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ
  • G: Going to see Star Wars with my pep-pep tomorrow morning, got mad loot drops this past week in Path of Exile (I’m friggin riiissssshhhh), lots of new music I’ve gleaned from this pox of year-end lists that be emerging like desiccated cicadas.

    B: Ashit Pie “believes” that Comcast “can be trusted” not to “shit in my face and call it service.”

    U: Left my headphones at home today, longest Friday ever of listening to all these 30+ year olds talk about getting shit-faced like they discovered alcohol yesterday.

    • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ
      • It’s fun and all, but it’s all they talk about. Definitely gets old quick.

        • Brutalist_Receptacle

          ACTIVATE SITH FECAL RECLAMATION APPARATUS!

      • GoatForest

        Mmmmmmmmmm.

        • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

          THEIR BLANCO MAKES BEST MARGIES!!!!!!!!!!

      • Brutalist_Receptacle

        “Tequila” is from the Nahuatl words “tequitl” (to work, to cut) and “tlan” (the place), thus a toponymic tequillan for “the place where work is done” or “the place where things are cut.”

        • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

          UGG UGG!!!!!! GORAK SMRT & LERNEDD NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          Nahuatl rules.

  • tigeraid

    I’m being dragged to one next Friday. Fuck sakes.

  • GrumpLumpusCrumpus

    U: MY NONSTOP GAS SEEMS TO INDICATE CREPITATING BOWEL EROSION

    B: SOMEONE KEEPS HARASSING MY DOG WITH A STUPID CAMERA

    G: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e61385d211ef589c6927c14d9dd25a4a9a848a5092f6879efa3ab71edeb94913.jpg

    • Freedom Jew

      ‘CREPITATING BOWEL EROSION’ is a pretty good song.

      • Slimylimey

        My all time favorites.

        The band, not the symptoms.

        • GrumpLumpusCrumpus

          JUST CURIOUS WHAT ARE YOUR ALL TIME FAVORITE SYMPTOMS

          • Slimylimey

            I am a big fan of Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

            And anything involving oozing pus (Discovered them because of the song titles – long story – but I am quite proud of the fact I seem to have found the worst metal band ever).

          • Slimylimey

            Purulent exudate

          • GrumpLumpusCrumpus

            AH THAT’S A RELIABLE CLASSIC THAT NEVER GOES OUT OF STYLE

  • Maik Beninton™
    • did somebody recently discover the Gulags in Russia? 😉

      • Maik Beninton™

        I discovered the wonders of Gulag Canaviero, a fb page.

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    Good: hope you all doing well

    Bad: Warrel Dane…man this one hurts…

    Ugly: it’s that time of the year again and I’m feeling like a miserable sack of shit who’s deciding whether to chug a bottle of vodka or not…for basically, you know, no reason at all. Probably just because my brain feels the useless need to drown in some non-existent misery from time to time. World Coming Down…here I go again.

    Here’s a few harsh tunes to wallow in despair. Lots and lots and lots and lots of doom.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Txxz4CzvKnQ

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKAu1kPduyE

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9wTGuCscXo

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=em33sWBfyIs

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=236tN50SxKg

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rie7Prw8Gqc

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGn0fUpniL4

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HdnaDuRwok

    • GrumpLumpusCrumpus

      ONLY THE DEAD KNOW BROOKLYN

    • This is known as “The Holidays.” They make me miserable too.

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      Another ugly:

      as terrible as this band can be most of the time…

      I…

      eh…

      I don’t know what to say but…

      I have to admit…eh…

      …that I think “I Am Loco” is a pretty rad song…

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYi0hfwoRD4

      • Depechemodeisgangsta

        Maybe add this one to the despair collection, Also just a couple of month ago i listened Crowbar Symmetry in Black album and is just awesome.
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7LcBRKnIe8

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          Never heard of Ragana. Cheers for the rec!
          I’m a huge fan of Crowbar. Their sound is deceptively simple, yet at the same time nobody else sounds like them. They’re also one of the uncrowned kings of “manly anguish” songs. Hitting right in the feels while still being heavy as balls.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDPZ0znxMUU

      • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

        YOUNG POSEUR GORAK LISTENED THAT ALBUM LOTS WHEN CAME OUT!!!!!! ALSO SAW LIVE COUPLE OF TIMES!!!!!!! NOW GORAK MUST GO WEDGIE SELF!!!!!!!!!!

  • GoatForest

    Good: Toddlers really are human puppies.
    Bad: The world’s on fire.
    Ugly: Pai’s coffee mug must be filled with paint thinner or bribes (probably bribes).

    • GrumpLumpusCrumpus

      LOBBYING IT’S CALLED LOBBYING

  • Depechemodeisgangsta

    Hope everyone is doing OK, god nothing worse than Crappy trends, like doing the dougie or superman or the tebow crap, now the Holiday Sweaters have been going on probably for a couple of years, i like listening to cheesy 80’s radio here and now putting Christmas songs, which are even worse than Christmas Sweaters.
    I got to see yesterday, The Last Jedi, no spoilers on my part, all i have to say if you are fan of the franchise, you will probably enjoy it.

    • doing the dougie introduced me to kate upton. it gets a pass.

      • Dubby Fresh

        She built like a refrigerator.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      DMIG plz! I love Tim Tebow!

  • Megan Alexandra

    This shit is the actual worst though.

  • Slimylimey

    Bad: had to get up really early to fly back home today

    Ugly: someone on the flight actually had a really ugly Christmas sweater on. I can’t deal with that shit at 5am.

    Good: the taxi driver on the way home was a massive death metal fan (I had an Obituary shirt on – a subtle hint that I might like that stuff too). So we just talked about awesome bands while he was blasting it out in the car.

    All incredibly trivial stuff given what’s gone on this week. But sometimes it’s those little unexpected moments that keep you going and give you hope.

  • Hans

    Yes, we definitely need to find more excuses to waste money on costumes. Simply getting drunk doesn’t cut it anymore!

    Good: The traditional overlong Christmas staycation has started. I often have a bunch of holidays left over by the end of the year, so I’m usually ‘out of office’ by mid-December.

    Bad: On a steady diet of tea and nasal spray this whole week. Only slowly getting better.

    Ugly: As any semblance of daily routine collapses, so does my sense of time (and possibly my sanity). The other day I thought I’d quickly pop out to the store before realising it was quarter past midnight.

  • JWG

    Good News: our Prime Minister has declared (via Twitter) Die Hard to be a Christmas Movie. So that debate is settled, at least as far as the The Official Word from Canada (so sayeth the trolls about any other privately-held opinion).

    Bad: I still have some Lab prep to do next week so my Holiday Break looks to be only the one last week in December instead of two. Oh well.

    Ugly: Nah.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Good: met Stephen Baker from the New York Giants

    Bad: none

    Ugly: Net neutrality is dead. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/35f10402a9655b42b78441fc2c39efb8b7d4d514658b9515abdd2095c81ddcd9.jpg

    • Óðinn

      You look happy in the photo, JJD.

  • Óðinn

    I dunno. If that Black Sabbath sweater was just a plain black t-shirt with the Black Sabbath logo on it, I’d buy it.

  • Tried to have an adult discussion with “the woman” on where things were headed. Didn’t go well. She gone.
    Sorry for the lack of details, I’m still trying to figure it out myself.
    Good: I’m fine
    Bad: Lost a neato lady
    Ugly: she took her grievances to Facebook. And it was naaaaasty.