Flush It Friday: An Open Letter to the Movie Clapper

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On Friday afternoons we release our anger and replace it with ultimate radness. Join us!

I’d like to issue my flush as something of an open letter to The Guy That Claps At The End Of Movies — a distant relative of The Guy Who Laughs Immoderately Loudly So The Whole Theater Knows They Got The Joke (they didn’t get the joke) that infests movie theaters around the globe. I think.

Have you ever taken a step back and thought about why you’re doing that? I have, so I’m going to do what I do best — tell people why they do things with no qualifications and no supporting evidence whatsoever.

Applause as a custom may be as old as humanity itself, varied in modus operandi but singular in intent; to voice approval or admiration. The ancient Roman convention called for a wide spectrum of applause (ranging from finger snapping to flinging their fucking togas around) signifying varying degrees or approval. This was meant as a gesture towards performers during their public performances.

For performers. During their public performances.

You know that long list of names after the movie that you can’t really read because they go too fast and because you can’t really read? Those are called credits, and they include every single person involved in the making of the film. Guess how many of them are in the theater with you. None of them are in the fucking theater with you.

But that’s okay, because you’re not really clapping for them, are you? You’re clapping for yourself. You liked this movie. And everyone should know about it. You see a packed theater as an opportunity to suck attention from a mass of people who are stuck with you until the lines file out. And so you stand erect and clap, virtually throbbing with pride that a group of strangers knows that you exist, attempting to make a multi-million dollar movie-making endeavor all about you.

While we’re all very impressed that you managed to hear a word of the dialogue over the sound of yourself breathing or eating an apparently endless tub of hard candies with your mouth wide open, do fuck off.

Anyways, stop it. Or don’t. Enjoy those precious moments of delusional glory if you must. Deep down you have to know that the only thing significant about you is how awful you are; like a microscopic fleck of fecal matter on the toothbrush of the public.

 

ON A BETTER NOTE: *flush* all that. Let’s move on to something positive: PLINK, a frighteningly addictive multiplayer music experience that — and this was the selling point for me — is so easy an idiot could play it. Thanks to HessianHunter, your editors and writers spent truly distressing amounts of time meeting up and bringing the hardest fucking jams known to man instead of doing other, more important things.

Don’t know where to start? Our fearless leader Joe took the liberty of recording one of his first sessions for you. Unfortunately his audio equipment wasn’t working when we were all laying down the most ultimate jam in the history of jams together, so you’ll have to watch him dicking around with some nobodies. Check it out:

GO HERE to start a rad sesh, and air your grievances in the comments (make sure to follow it up with something positive). Also, open swim. Byah!

(Photo VIA)

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TagsPlink
  • I HATE THAT GUY. Also, Let’s play Plink tonight

  • Tyree

    Nice voice cowboy.

  • Edward #negrod4eva

    My plans tonight have been rescheduled to Sunday lunch.

    On that note, I am going to go home after work, make French press coffee, pop what my roommate tells me is allegedly the world’s strongest snus tobacco, and play Gnawed’s Feign & Cloak and Sacrocurse’s Unholier Master back to back. Meeting my PExxx and bestial war quota for the weekend in one fell swoop. If I survive the ordeal I will brush my cat.

    Everybody, cheers.

    • Metaphysical Anus

      You do snus? Damn Swede!

      • Edward #negrod4eva

        Yes. It is one of my current vices. I can’t smoke anymore, e-cigs or anything. Bad lungs. I do go for the occasional cigar but I don’t inhale them.

        • Metaphysical Anus

          You have chosen your side in the eternal war of the nordic countries.

        • I might hypothesize that your lungs simply have too much void in them. A strong dose of lifeloving could perhaps restore them. This would be a cruel fate however.

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            I imagine if my lungs were Void-filled I could smoke anything without consequence.

          • Thus my hypothesis is refuted. Perhaps it could be some unknown entity beyond the void that is more soul crushing and devout of all passion than anything else seen. I’m sure Portal or Aevangelist will discover it if it exists.

    • Byah @ Unholier Master!

    • Tyree

      My plan tonight is too write and record grindcore for the people that donated to my bands kickstarter. Joe Thrashnkill, what do you want your song to be about?

    • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

      Snus users need to be decapitated, don’t be one of them.

      • Metaphysical Anus

        *Swedes
        Ftfy

      • Edward #negrod4eva
        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          With a cute little elf-hat and everything.

        • Tyree
          • KJM

            Seth Putnam once sang “Into The Crypts Of Rays” to me over the phone lounge lizard style. It was his way of describing the ‘Cold Lake’ concert he’d just came from.

          • Stockhausen

            wat

          • Metaphysical Anus

            *waht

          • KJM

            True story.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            You two were friends?

          • KJM

            Not quite friends but more than acquaintances. We hung out and got high a bunch of times.

          • Tyree

            That sounds unlike Seth.

          • KJM

            We’re talking late 80s before Anal Cunt. I don’t even think he’d done the Satan’s Warriors thing yet.

          • Tyree

            Wow dude. That’s pretty rad!

          • KJM

            The ‘Impaled Northern Moonforest’ stuff was recorded in my friends kitchen.

          • Tyree
          • Akercocke ov Steele

            wat

          • Stockhausen

            Holy cow. This is the absolute stupidest thing to geek out over, but I’m really jealous of that. That project was pure brilliance, and stuff. Mostly stuff.

          • Tyree

            Anal Cunt is my favorite band of all time.

          • KJM

            I should try and get my friend CH over here. He could tell you Seth stories for days.

          • Tyree

            I could read stories about Seth all day.

          • KJM

            When he wasn’t in character, he was a pretty mellow guy.

            One last weird fact: I once sold Seth some leftover LSD I had kicking around, needed money for herb.

          • KJM

            Do you go to Dime A Dozen at all?

          • Metaphysical Anus

            You willy wang

          • Crank, I assume?

          • KJM

            Nah, this was long before he started going really crazy with the drugs.

          • Tyree

            Featured comment!

          • Akercocke ov Steele

            OMG I. Can’t. Even.

          • Max

            You should’ve bootlegged that.

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            I’m pretty sure there was a rapper who recorded all the lyrics to one of his albums from the phone in prison… maybe X-Raided? Also I heard a rumor Brotha Lynch Hung did that from a mental hospital but I suspect it was just the stuff of urban legend.

          • Max

            There was a whole bunch of stuff that Charles Manson did from his cell with acoustic guitar. Black Flag were gonna release it, but they were warned off. Also, I used to have a Blood Axis album where a ‘phone interview he’d done with Michael Moynihan (probably) was used as the vocals for one of the songs.

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            Correct me if I am mistaken, but weren’t some of Burzum’s ambient projects done in prison because he didn’t have the equipment to do black metal?

          • Howard Dean

            That’s correct. The first two ambient albums.

          • Max

            They were. Daudi Baldurs, if I’m not mistaken, was done that way.

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            Max I just finally responded to you on our last conversation!

          • KJM

            I’m sure the Walkman I was carrying at the time was incapable of recording. This is circa 1988 we’re talking about here.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I just got back from a family party and my cousin Karen apparently married Stephen Richards from the band Taproot.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I had a good day. I went on a date in the afternoon and I just got back from a family party. Apparently Stephen Richards of Taproot married my cousin. I also had an awkward encounter with my ex’s parents who worked at the place where the party was. Her mom was happy to see me. Her dad was not. It was a good day though because I got to have a conversation with the guy from Taproot who was a nice guy. We had a good conversation about music.

    • Count_Breznak

      I still wonder if someone coud tell the difference between snus and rabbit poop.

      • Edward #negrod4eva

        I’d like to think I could – snus comes in a pouch and rabbit poop looks like rabbit poop.

        • Count_Breznak

          Most ppl I’ve seen carry a few rolled up in advance, which should be a very promising target for a quick swap. For science.

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            The snus I buy already comes in pouches, hence my slight confusion about this lol

  • Guacamole Jim

    FUCK YEAH, PLINK!! Find you, you assholes!! I’m Guac Jim. I’m laying down sick grooves.

    • Stockhausen

      This speaks truth, and his grooves are sick.

  • Hubert, Goat ov Doom and Void

    Goats aren’t allowed in theatre’s so I’ve never experienced your pain, but that sounds fucking annoying. Next time you see somebody do that you should slay him with steel.

    • I’ll do it in the unholy name ov Hubert.

      • Guacamole Jim

        I have never heard anyone clap in a theatre in my life. I didn’t even know it was a thing!

        • You’re a lucky dip.

        • Do yoU go to the drive in or something?

          • Guacamole Jim

            ‘TIs better for subtly fapping.

  • Howard Dean

    Tonight’s plans: Sushi, and a whole lot of it. Gonna get my salmon, tuna, and red snapper fix, motherfuckers!

  • JWG

    So the Department switched the exam on which I was invigilating on me from one course to another, which in itself is still fine (I get paid for one either way). But the one I was going to do was last week in the morning. Instead I have to be completely attentive tonight at 7PM (to 10PM).

    I know I don’t have it quite as bad as the students who have to be here doing the exam. But they can leave when they’re done, whenever they’re done.

    I have to be attentive for the entire 3 hours, plus collect the exams once everyone is gone and any other things that might have been left behind accidentally. So I won’t actually be leaving campus until 10:30ish. On a Friday evening. After which I get to stand alone at the Bus Loop in sub-zero conditions waiting for the only bus that will get me home at that hour – one that takes a full hour to cover what’s essentially a 15 minute drive.

    • Guacamole Jim

      Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit dude.

      • JWG

        All things considered, it’s definitely a First World Problem.

        But still. What kind of University Administration voluntarily continues this practice of having final exams during evenings in late December, when they could alternatively just do more earlier in the month? There’s plenty of unused space (see: all the classrooms they occupied for the whole previous term).

    • Miguel Serra

      kill it with fire x_x

  • Tyree

    Lololololololololololololololololol! 10 hours of it.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCNrK-n68CM

  • Keegan Lavern Still

    Next week will be last week working overnights at my job as semi-unfair punishment for a dumb mistake I made, plus an extra 14 hours on Christmas Day for dat juicy double time.

    Getting to finally see Pallbearer Wednesday night after missing them 4 times in the last 2 years was well worth the past month of cleaning up piss, shit, and bitched at for not acquiescing to obsessive compulsive demands and not enabling a narc addiction quickly enough. That and giving them, Solstafir and Mortals my sexy Christmas cards as gifts.

  • Guacamole Jim
  • I just got a $150 xmas bonus, I momentarily don’t hate Christmas !

    • Howard Dean

      Christmas bonuses are legit, my man. I got part of mine the other day, and promptly spent 3/4 of it on stocking up on steak (I told you motherfuckers I am practically a T-Rex).

      • I’m going to spend mine wisely. ON METAL

        • Metaphysical Anus

          Buy stocks.

          • You still haven’t told me who you are!

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Do we really have to do this Jack?

          • That’s Mr. Bauer to you.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Fucking mollusk

          • Wow, not making a good first impression here buddy

          • Stockhausen

            Buy socks.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Steal Stockhausen’s socks.

          • Tyree

            Did that before tour dude.

        • Investing in gold, I see?

        • Howard Dean

          Steak and metal are on pretty even footing.

          Except in circumstances of potential starvation.

          • So you’re cooking that steak on with a cast iron?

      • Just nailed the shit out of my quarterly goals today. Looking forward to that bonus check (and also keeping my job).

      • BLVKKBEVRD, PVRPLE WYZDOOM

        Its pretty well decided that T-rex were scavengers.

        • Howard Dean

          Most humans don’t directly kill the meat that they eat. I think it’s a pretty good fit.

    • I don’t get any bonuses until I’ve been here for a year 🙁

      • That’s lame, tell your CEO Jack Bauer says he’s a cunting lifelover!

  • Tyree

    I found you little red buddy.

  • Random thought, I want a band to use the far cry 4 honey badger laugh for an intro to a song

    • YourLogicIsFlushed

      I friggin hate that sound. Murdered so many honey badgers.

  • Stockhausen

    I saw The Hobbit last night, and when the credits started rolling I thought “nobodyclapnobodyclapnobodyclapifyouclapyousucknobodyclap.” Thankfully no one did.

    Also, I was proud to call you my brothers as we ventured forth and Plinked.

    Also, CHRISTMAS BREAK YA JABRONIS. BEING A TEACHER IS COOL SOMETIMES.

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    Bout to go home and get swole…

    • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

      *swollen.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        He he he yea…swollen!

  • Best kick starter since the potato salad one.
    https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/884592321/glorious-leader

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Clapping at the end of a film when you’re not at a festival and none of the makers are in attendance is a tad gauche, but a hearty “Wooooooo!!!!!!!!” rarely goes amiss.

    • KJM

      If you don’t cheer when the Death Star blows up, I don’t want to know you.

  • KJM

    The only thing that really bothers me is people who talk during movies, especially on their phones.

    • Those are the people you walk up to, take their phone, Chuck it at the wall

      • KJM

        I don’t even really go to theaters anymore, too annoying. Besides, I have a big screen and killer sound at home.

        • Netflix>>>>>>>>>>>>>

          • KJM

            That too.

        • Max

          I do got the the movies, still. Because what I’ve found is that most people are staying home with Netflix or whatever these days, which means I get the cinema virtually all to myself. It’s never been better. The only time I’ve been to a full theatre in recent memory is on New Years Eve or a premiere.

          • KJM

            If I do go, it’s on a weekday morning or early afternoon. I’ll definitely check out the new Star Wars movie on the big screen.

          • BLVKKBEVRD, PVRPLE WYZDOOM

            Disney controls Star Wars now

            *insert random zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz comment

  • Tyree

    I’m leaving the office! BEER O’CLOCK!!!

    • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

      At any given time ’tis beer o’ clock.

    • BLVKKBEVRD, PVRPLE WYZDOOM

      let’s fucking party.

      • KJM

        Did ya find out yet?

        • BLVKKBEVRD, PVRPLE WYZDOOM

          Results sent to employer. So, who knows just yet? I’m still gonna get down.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Waht happened has?

          • Miguel Serra

            pirate blvck parrty

          • BLVKKBEVRD, PVRPLE WYZDOOM

            its no joke.

            we’re hosting a fight club tonight in Dark Souls II. Generally 45+SM. Send pms to traitorsHEART or and_triage.

          • KJM

            Might as well. Either way it’s done.

          • BLVKKBEVRD, PVRPLE WYZDOOM

            There you go.

  • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

    A little out of the topic, but is ToH keeping a Festivus vacation?

    • Kinda. I’m going on a bit of a vacation myself starting uh, now. But I’m going to work out a schedule for the site over the weekend. We will likely do several single-post days around the holidays.

  • Edward #negrod4eva
    • KJM

      What! What! C’mon!!

    • Tyree

      POOOOOOOP!

  • NefariousDude

    PLAGUE BEASTS 2.0

    • Edward #negrod4eva

      Plague Beasts >>>>>>>>>>>

      • NefariousDude

        Need more time for it to sink it’s teeth in. Sadly I’m behind the curve on the year end lists

        • Edward #negrod4eva

          I feel you, it can be overwhelming at times. I was trying to play those two albums I wanted to play back to back to check them off and was having computer issues so I bought both so I could play them on my iPod with no issues, lol

          • NefariousDude

            Plague a Beasts was one of the only albums I paid for off of the great pirate collapse of 2014

  • NefariousDude

    Is it just midi?

  • This is one of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to theaters.

  • old_man_doom

    Grievance: I’m mixing a friend’s band’s album right now and the band, who tracked it on their own, is being very picky about the mixes I present to them. It’s very frustrating when they complain about things (i.e. bass tone, vocals, etc.) that are THEIR OWN FUCKING FAULT. So, I’m sitting here manually shifting guitars and vocals around because the band didn’t line their stems correctly; meanwhile, I’m getting texts up the ass about how the band doesn’t like the vocals and I need to pitch correct them on another mix BECAUSE THE VOCALIST FUCKING SUCKS. GODDAMNIT. Rant: terminated.

    Good things: I’ll be submitting a short story to Black Library (the publishing branch for Games Workshop’s Warhammer 40k for all of you 40K nerds out there) soon in the hope that they’ll like it enough and decide to help kickstart my writing career. Fucking groovy.

  • Mother Shabubu III

    Plink sounds like an Urban Dictionary term for pulling your turgid rod back and snapping it over a girl’s nose bridge.

    Example:
    Dude 1: “I Plinked my girl so hard last night she got a nosebleed!”
    Dude 2: “Cool. Say Sam, do you and Margaret want a cuckold?”
    Dude 1: “Only if you wear a latex gimp suit.”
    Dude 2: “Consider it done.”
    Girl: “If you don’t eat the meat, you can’t taste my pudding!”

    Anyways, back to the concept of Plinking…

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan

    Flush this live Celtic Frost video. Tom G Warrior looks like a woman, the guitars suck and they played a Wall Of Voodoo cover. How was this released and why was it released? Poor Tom has to wear a LA Guns shirt during this show.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bul5LSBkeE

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    So it’s a Friday night drinking Bells and listening to Striborg. Instinctively I get that it really isn’t terribly good music, that Sin Nanna’s instrumental talents are rudimentary, as is his ear for riffs, and that most of his songs could be cut by a third with no great loss. But somehow I just kinda love it anyway. There’s a totally raw, unforced weirdness to it all that’s quite hypnotic, a mood somewhere between Xasthur and Velvet Cacoon. And every so often a bit of melody will cut through the murk and weirdness and that just seems to make the murk and weirdness murkier and weirder. I’m not sure I would entirely recommend, but I got into him from a recommendation so he definitely does have fans. Maybe some of ye weirdness lovers may dig.

  • Hayden Clifford

    The only time I clapped in the movies was at the new Godzilla movie at the end when Godzilla rips the other monsters head off and shoots fire down it’s throat. The entire theater started to clap and cheer.

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    united nations did 911—

    world cyber revolution against u.n agenda 21

    http://youtu.be/Lt08j3mBW3Q

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    a strange parallel to 911—watch this scene

    life is weird—a portrait from beyond time—a solution

    an anti electric sci fi–representation of love

    and work

    http://youtu.be/sa_p9Up9DFg

  • My open letter to the clapping guy (as well as the assholes who yell commands at the screen, such as “oh no, don’t go in there!”, is if the characters actually hear them, or they have some sorta power ala Fringe to control the outcome of the fictional characters):

    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BJ9issMueF8/UAUqtd9MikI/AAAAAAAAGXE/7k1tNnIUJo4/s400/al-bundy-kelly-boyfriend-slam-into-door-animated-gif.gif
    http://i.perezhilton.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/scary-movie-theater-brawl-edit.gif
    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand:
    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ZSu5Am3BKso/TG6-EOTFAcI/AAAAAAAAA9o/afdE0JYYXH8/s1600/Roadhouse.PNG

    “You’re too stupid to have a good time!” -Dalton (ROADHOUSE!!!)

  • PS, forget Plink. Try Audiosurf. Way better and more addictive.

    An example set to Crystal Castles ‘Intimate’ (RIP, Crystal Castles, btw):

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7lYcfyxQ7w

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan

    Flush the cover of Mexican Radio that Celtic Frost did. I prefer Wall Of Voodoo’s version because they’re awesome and their music sounds creepy.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V04IBsz-9Wo

  • J.R.

    I have heard the voice of our leader. I have achieved completion