Flush it Friday: An Open Letter to Red Plum

1985
463
Share:

Dear sirs,

Almost every day I come home from work and check my mail, hoping that Mailmanbro has taken notice of my virtuous acts and rewarded me with a rare powerviolence 7″. Instead of validation in the form of physical goods, I am inundated with limited time offers for rare coins and Weight Watchers. These colorful pages of irrelevant ads are emblazoned with the name of your company at the top, Red Plum.

I apologize, but I believe there has been a mix-up in our correspondence. It seems that you have mistaken me for someone who asked for a wadded up pile of bullshit to be stuffed in his mailbox twice-weekly. It’s probably a common error. There must be dozens of people across the United States who anxiously await a random assortment of advertisements jammed into their mailbox, otherwise bending and obscuring any items of actual import within the box. Perhaps to ensure that those voracious Red Plum fans get your circular, you should require that they opt-in to receiving your product rather than blanketing the Austin metro area in more than 100 million pages of hilariously wasteful garbage a year.

Red Plum

This shit.

Once a week I take my recycling to the appropriate recycling center because I am bleeding heart libtard trash. Many of my neighbors do not practice the same self-loathing exercise, instead opting to deposit your circular directly into the dumpster, where it is transported at great expense to the city to an ever-growing landfill. Rather than requiring the services of the United States Postal Service and the municipal waste services, perhaps you could strive for efficiency and deposit your product directly to a garbage island?

Or perhaps you could adapt to the modern era of environmentalism and advertising standards by targeting your ads at consumers who have already expressed interest in specific products rather than continuing to blanket the earth in your wadded up piles of bullshit?

Sincerely,

Jonas P. Thrashnkill


Today is a holiday in much of the world, so we’re ending the day a little early. This is Flush it Friday. The comments below are open for you to share your success stories and vent your frustrations.

Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!