Flush It Friday: All Elves Must Die

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Welcome back to Friday afternoon. It’s time for the airing of grievances so we may start the weekend relaxed and refreshed.

This week I would like to direct my ire at the elf on a FUCKING shelf. That’s a thing, you guys.

I went to Target yesterday to purchase underwear as a late-20something-single-dude is wont to do. In between the piles and piles of unnecessary holiday crap, there were MANY prominent displays on The Elf on a Shelf. If you’re a parent, you know what this bullshit is. If you’re blessedly child-free, I will explain: About 10 years ago, a woman named Carol Aebersold wrote a “book” called The Elf on a Shelf. The plot summarized: Santa Claus employs a bunch of fucking narc elves to spy on children. Groundbreaking stuff. The book came with a toy elf (because fuck reading, toy). She has since spent the ensuing decade running a furious marketing machine in a successful attempt to make this her book/toy a Christmas-time tradition for suckers families across America. Surely, all good traditions start with buying more shit. CBS is trying to make a half-hour Elf on a Shelf animated special be a thing now. Look, I may hate Christmas but if the friggin’ elf on a shelf cuts out a single showing of A Charlie Brown Christmas I will shiv a motherfucker. Stop buying shit.

ON A POSITIVE NOTE: The Toilet ov Hell is almost to 500 likes on Facebook! That is exciting! If you haven’t done so, like us on Facebook. When you’re done with that, join the TovH Facebook group and talk mad shit with me.

This here is an Open Swim in the comments, but if you wanna play along just vent your rage at the object of your ire (but be sure to follow it up with a good vibe)!

Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!
  • Paris Hilton

    Elves can spy on children and it’s all hunky-dory. But WHEN I DO IT I’m asked to leave Walmart because I’m too drunk and smell like beef jerky. This is why I need #MensRights

    • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

      Help, I’m being repressed!

    • Elite Extremöphile

      This is all I can think of

      • Hubert, Goat ov Doom (and Void

        Mountain dew <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

        • Elite Extremöphile

          If you need energy just snort cocaine out of a stripper’s ass LIKE A REAL MAN

          • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

            This cat knows whats up.

          • You ate a Box of Nerds out her Butthole!

          • SheWölf

            I thought it was “off” a stripper’s ass, not “out of”. Ewwwe…

          • Gvacamole Jim

            Crap, there’s a girl here. BE CLASSY, GUYS

          • Elite Extremöphile

            FINANCES AND WINE

          • VVorld Peace

            Doilies and throw pillows.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            Shoes and gossipping about other women.

          • Gvacamole Jim

            I said classy, not sexist!

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I feel bad now.

          • Gvacamole Jim
          • SheWölf

            I fart on all of your heads.

          • VVorld Peace

            Gentlemen can like shoes. A well dressed man has many shoes for many occasions.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I have two nice pairs of Reeboks but I want more Reeboks.

          • Gvacamole Jim

            One can never have too many Reeboks.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I agree. The retros that Reebok makes rule.

          • KJM

            I’d gladly get a different pair of Tims for every day of the week if I could justify being that silly.

          • Xan

            I’ve got one pair of some shoe brand I’ve never heard. Because I have an really wide foot, I had to go to some specialty store that sells you the same shoes for 200% more money but in a slightly bigger size. Yay…

          • KJM

            Timberland or bust! If I don’t have good ankle support I’m screwed.

          • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

            Will continue to rock my Chucks.

          • more beer

            I got a pair of grinders they are pretty awesome.

          • Xan

            I’ve got a pretty fancy pair of flip-flops. They’re only semi taped together with duct tape.

          • Stockhausen

            I laughed really hard at this reaction.

          • SheWölf

            Yeah, ’cause if I’m anything it’s fucking classy… 🙂

          • It makes a difference when that stripper is Stevie Nicks

          • SheWölf

            Okay, now I thought Stevie had cocaine blown INTO her ass.

          • VVorld Peace

            What goes in must come out, amirite?

          • tbh i’m a little confused on the mechanics of doing cocaine via asshole.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            It’s all about suction.

          • more beer

            Here is my understanding of this as explained by a stripper who used to do anal shots of meth. Just so you know the source is legit. They prepare it like they were going to shoot it but with the needle broken off of the syringe, then they stick the syringe up their ass and squeeze their drug of choice up their ass. The membranes and blood vessels in the ass absorb the drug rather quickly and supposedly it gets them higher than any other way. I had never heard of this until this chick telling me about it. Needless to say I found it fascinating and had to ask a lot of questions on this subject. Hope that help`s a little Joe!

          • I want to give credit to @365 Days of Horror for this gif…http://i.imgur.com/tZOS8.gif

          • Lacertilian

            I once knew a guy who used to ‘top-shelf’ MDMA tablets that way, “it hits you faster/harder” or whatever he used to justify it with.
            To each his own, but(t) fuck that.

          • more beer

            I have never stuck drugs up my ass but when that chick was telling me about I did ask questions. How could I not. People do crazy shit is all I can say.

          • Lacertilian

            After jamming a variety of drugs up your arse I’m sure it would inevitably be followed by a crazy shit too.

          • more beer

            I don`t really care how high you get I just don`t see anything good from doing this. Besides a big shit I see colon cancer as on of the outcomes of this. Plus you just have to be fucking crazy to actually do this.

          • Holy shit. The more you know!

          • SheWölf

            What do they call that? A “dirty snowblower”?

          • SheWölf

            A “muddy blizzard”?

          • Gvacamole Jim

            Holy hell.

          • VVorld Peace

            Ewww.

          • A frosty landslide?

          • Well the landslide it pooped out…

          • SheWölf

            Oh!! Landslide! I get stuff!!

          • VVorld Peace

            I’m getting older too.

          • I got that reference.
            …kinda wish I hadn’t.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            Fleetwood Mac needs to come near me with their newly reunited classic lineup.

          • VVorld Peace

            It just made me think about that super depressing South Park episode.

          • MoshOff

            Steamy Nicks

          • SheWölf

            A “frosty dump truck”?

          • SheWölf

            (Okay I cracked myself up with that last one… )

          • Elite Extremöphile

            A chocolate snowcone?

          • An “icy butt tornado”?

          • VVorld Peace

            That sounds like something our pal Kim Jung Un would be into.

          • more beer

            That is how it`s done!

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

          Surge>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

      • Paris Hilton

        DEW THE DEW BRAH!!

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Dear Santa,

        For Christmas this year I’d like a neck.

        Thanks!

        – Lord Diabetes

      • Xan

        I want Mt. Dew. Fuck Captain Logic.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

          I want Mountain Dew as well. I also want some Taco Bell and that new Burger King sandwich the Yumbo.

          • Xan

            Heart attacks for all!

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            It’s even better because the McRib is back! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

          • Xan

            COMPRESSED MEAT!

          • Lacertilian

            As Johnny James McCrunchy could surely testify, 80’s bogan comic Rodney Rude HATES McDonalds, especially their McRib.
            http://youtu.be/U705EAx70Cw?t=38s

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            That made me laugh so hard when I watched it.

          • Lacertilian

            He has his moments, some of his homeless routines used to crack me up too. However politically incorrect they were/are.
            Damn the link didn’t work for @lmd666:disqus

    • Stockhausen

      Brilliant. Brilliant.

    • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

      ………………..

      • Paris Hilton

        Maybe someday I can have a comment on a stockphoto. I have no commenter cred 🙁

        • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

          now you know that is not true !

          • Paris Hilton

            Thanks Conan! You truly are kingly. #metalhomies5eva

        • Between The Buried & Smee

          Thats the #1 reason I still comment on the other site.

        • more beer

          I hope it`s the sexual predator one that comment ruled!

      • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

        The strange thing is that we’ve been watching a SHIT TON of Criminal Minds lately.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        I like your comment and the new JFAC release…so be it!

    • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

      my comment got on metal comments on stock photos. I think that might be a bad thing.

      https://www.facebook.com/TimeToCringe/photos/a.463574583765970.1073741827.463557333767695/617942028329224/?type=1&permPage=1

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

        It might be but at least someone shows respect for Peter Steele besides me.

        • KJM

          Ask me for Peter Steele respect and I will always give it. My birthday(April 14) is now forever known as the day Peter died and it rustles my jimmies bigtime.

          • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK
          • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

            2008 – 42nd CMT Music Awards: Taylor Swift & Trace Adkins wins

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            Al Capone’s vault was opened on my birthday.

          • Xan

            Over 500 bombs were set off by terrorists in Bangladesh on my birthday. Aren’t I special?

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            geraldo really cooked his own goose with that escapade.

          • more beer

            As will I even if we don`t agree on which of his bands was better.

          • KJM

            He was still the genius behind both those great bands.

          • more beer

            Yes he was. I like both just Carnivore better. I saw the first Type-O show ever. I must say that was a great show.

          • KJM

            I was lucky enough to see Type O 4 times, never got to see Carnivore.

          • more beer

            I`ve seen both. Saw carnivore more times than Type-O.

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          I’m more of a Peter Steele worshiper! I fully support this! Did you read Jeff Wagners new book?

      • Gvacamole Jim

        Whoa whoa whoa. You insulting my boy Joe’s article? We gonna have to have words??

        http://www.gifwave.com/media/29838/dead-the-addams-family-wednesday-addams-threaten-television.gif

        • Gvacamole Jim

          Oh wait, I understand now. My bad!

      • more beer

        I don`t know if it`s a bad thing but that article or whatever you want to call it was horrible.

    • more beer

      I hope your “I Am Not A Sexual Predator” T-shirt had Bill Cosby`s picture on it because that is the proof in the pudding pop. Fire cleanses everything! For irony’s sake you did buy your accelerant and lighter from Walmart>

  • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

    Anyone who plays an Elf-race in an MMO is a scurb.

    • Like a half step away from a furry, imo

    • Gvacamole Jim

      Dammit, I’m a scurb.

      • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

        Sry, I dont make the rules. Are you a warrior or knight archetype class?

        • Gvacamole Jim

          Rogue, of course. I’m all about those anal sex innuendos.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Always a rogue no matter what, me’self, a hairy rogue.

          • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

            At least that’s not two violations.

          • Gvacamole Jim
          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            To think he played spiderman not once, not twice, but 3 fucking times, with his performances getting exponentially worse as the series progressed.

  • mmm, APMD!!

  • Hubert, Goat ov Doom (and Void

    Get your kids a copy of Obscura. They’ll love it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gri3tjKktdI

  • Death

    This weekend sucks. All the nationalists will crawl out of their holes due to independence day of Finland.

    • Tom Waits For Better Days

      Which reminds me. Happy Oförsjälvständigshetdag!

      • how can you even pronounce that?

        • Death

          I’m afraid I can.

        • Tom Waits For Better Days

          With trembling hands and a twisted tongue. And that’s just Swedish, which means it’s easy.

          • Death

            Finnish pronounciation is not hard. You just sound like you’re fucking depressed.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Seems to be for foreigners. I always thought it was easy but what do I know.

      • Gvacamole Jim

        Holy hell, is that a real word? I knew Finnish was hard, but damn!

        • Death

          That’s Swedish, I think. In Finnish it would be itsenäisyyspäivä.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Actually that oför… stands for unindependenceday @Gvacamole Jim , and yes it’s Swedish, Finlands second official language.

          • Death

            I can only pronounce Swedish words, I don’t really know my way around the language. I am able to tell my name, though.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I had to use a dictionary to find what’s un-, in Swedish. Jag heter homo-peter is all I learned in school.

          • Death

            Jag heter bög peter?

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I didn’t learn what bög stood for… in school.

          • Death

            Did you not have other students with desire to know what gay means in Swedish?

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Alas, I was alone… always.

          • Xan

            The only phrase in Spanish I can remember was, “Tu eres mamadore de penga,” (spelling is borked) which roughly translates to, “You suck dick.”

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Sinäpä imet kullia elikkäs kyrpelöä. The same in Finnish. Posh Finnish.

          • Herr Schmitty

            Tu chupi mucha pingas! You suck many dicks.
            Tu chupi pingas: You suck dick.
            Tu chupitraga la leche de pingas: You suck and swallow the milk of dicks.

            Let me know if you ever need a vulgar spanish insult, I’m good for that 😉

          • Xan

            I’m committing these all to memory.

          • Gvacamole Jim

            I don’t know if that’s any better.. and I always forget Finland has two official languages.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            To be correct it’s Hyvää Epäitsenäisyyspäivä.

      • Elite Extremöphile

        so THAT’S what I’m naming my firstborn

      • Gvrp

        Gesundheit.

  • Gvacamole Jim

    Listening to Baring Teeth, pretending to work whilst shooting the shit on the Toilet (both the real toilet and the Toilet ov Hell), stroking my beard, and counting down the minutes until I can get home and drink myself into oblivion with my Edmonton chums. Possibly will post selfies on that there facebook page. What’r you all up to, mi amigos? (that was Spanish, just for Link <3)

    Related: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzQ5o7b7qf0

    • thumbs up! *noted in the Bomber Notebook*

    • Stockhausen

      Dude, I’m in for a beverage/selfie date tonight.

      • Gvacamole Jim

        What’s your drink of choice this eve?? I’m going to begin with 1.5 litres of Grolsh, and finish off with Laphroaig, neat. Whatever happens in between those two things is anyone’s guess.

        • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

          I just invented a drink that my old lady called me gross for: get a 2 oz shooter glass. 1 part eggnog, 1 part orange juice (full pulp). (its actually not bad)

  • Elite Extremöphile

    uuuuuuggghgehjbAihbihbIinIGBIRWBHB
    my last three finals are in the span of two days
    fuck me

    • Ugh finals, I do not miss them.

    • c’mon!!

    • VVorld Peace

      Good luck, dude. You got this.

    • Xan

      The week after next are mine. I hope I can pass them with a good grade. Luckily, I’m doing well in Biology so I think I could fail it and still make a B.

      • Elite Extremöphile

        dude I am fucked in every class other than one

  • You wanted a rant: I can’t stand public transport here. The buses are old, uncomfortable, and we have old cars that just make worse the fact of going to your work. This is one of the worst things of my ENTIRE week work: pass 1 freaking hour to go to my residence in this modern torture instruments.

    • Death

      Meanwhile we have great public transport over here. You should move here

      • you’re a good extradimensional entity, pal. Everyone talks shit about you without knowing you really well.

      • Elite Extremöphile

        How can he move somewhere that doesn’t exist?

        • Death

          You just have to BELIEVE

          • I can believe that a better public transport can exist ._.) I hate when someone touches my buttz in a bus filled with 100 people (when it’s capacity is 30)

          • Death

            That will never happen here. Everyone hates eachother, so no touching in the bus.

          • Xan

            I’m going to find the stargate that will take me there. It sounds like my kind of place.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Ain’t second star on the left or something? That’s what I’ve been told.

        • The wardrobe, ya dingus.

          • Death

            I keep telling you guys, it’s the old way. It’ll take three to ten weeks if you go through the wardrobe.

          • Or you can pass through the wormhole right out there by Saturn…

          • VVorld Peace

            I prefer astral projection.

    • Hubert, Goat ov Doom (and Void

      Get a bike. Best means of transportation in the world.

      • in Venezuela: have a car or get knocked by the cars. I’ve saw people in cars hitting motorcycles users just for the lolbuttz. The entire transport net and the public transport is really chaotic (and not in a good way…)

        • Venezuela is completely insane. I have no words for what I’m reading.

          • There’s a lot of crazy stuff around here. But I needed this rant, because this week was full of chaos with this awful transport. I need to get two buses/cars to get home or work. And I spent 1 hour in each trip. The real letdown: if I have a car I can be at my home/work in 15 mins ._.)

        • KJM

          I don’t even like riding in my area much anymore. I’ve been hit.

    • Tom Waits For Better Days

      ▼▼▼backed. PublicTranspo is world’s finest in Finland.

      • enjoy it, I’m being really honest.. we have another method called ‘por puesto’ (by seat): really old dusty and bad shaped cars that covers one route. Like this mo’fo:

        http://cdn.diariorepublica.com/cms/wp-content/uploads/lalimpia1.jpg

        • Tetanusmobile!

        • Tom Waits For Better Days

          Looks cool.

          • the sad part is that local gov (the municipal one) wanted to name those stinky contaminating pieces of junk as a “regional patrimony” because that method of transport is only in this region of the country.. we’re blessed with the corruption of those barbaric pieces of sh*t..

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I have a feeling I shouldn’t be rioting so much about the corruption here.

          • The corruption here is the one of the worst, bro. That’s the reason we don’t have better public transport. The municipality receives a lot of money from the asociations of the ‘por puestos’ and the buses to maintain that method, because, all the money they receive is theirs (the chauffers) and even some with money have various cars or buses in the public transport so they get double or triple of money. Everytime a new solution arise, the current drivers of the public transport protest about it.

    • Every time you mention something about your country I realize how much of a cvnt I am for complaining about anything, ever.

      • Tom Waits For Better Days

        Just close eyes and pretend it’s all alright and you’ll be a lot happier, right @Link
        Right?? *desperation creeps in*

        • I can’t close my eyes when I’m on those buses because I’m not sitting,I’m sleepy and I don’t want to get robbed. I only close my eyes when I’m in those junky cars like the one I posted.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Makes me glad Finnish people dread contact, even the slightest one. Also starting to feel like an ass.

          • sometimes it’s the better to avoid contact with others.. I’ve saw a lot of awful things in those crowded buses. My sister-in-law get out of one of those buses with her purse cutted with razor blades because some thugs cutted wanting to rob her. Gladly she grabbed her purse tightly and get out with the things in her hand lol

            I don’t want you to fell bad, to any of you, bros.. Shit happens everywhere, and we all have things to complain. But, just learn that we have good stuff in every place we live, and we have to be grateful when something goes fine. Enjoy the things that work in every of your country, I wouldn’t want that my international pals pass some stuff we pass here. We have a beatiful country with awful people.

            In all honesty, I thank to all of you for read me and take me part of the community, because sometimes I feel very isolated in my job and I want to interact with people to make it more bearable.

          • Gvacamole Jim

            Awww man, the feels. We’re here for you, Link!!

          • *feels ugly beak strikes again* u_u thank you, guacamelee

            Seriously, last months I could woke up at 7:00 am with no problems because I sleep at 9/10.

            If I sleep less than 8 hours I can’t woke up very good/feel drowsy entire morning/can’t woke up at all at morning.

            Now I need to be at exactly at 7:00 am in the bus stop, because at that hour the row is more than 80 people and I enter at 8:00 to work. So, I’m waking up at 6:00 am since this week…

          • Gvacamole Jim

            I hear you on the sleeping 8 hours. I just got a car, but before that I was bussing. And while it’s not as bad as yours, in Edmonton the system is very unreliable.. when you’re standing outside in -30 degrees celsius weather, having an unreliable transit system becomes pretty horrible pretty damn fast. And it took me the same amount of time as you to get to and from work (1 hour both ways).

          • *same feels* Bro.. it’s exactly the same!! except I need to wait in the sun and you had to wait in the cold D: those politicians……

          • more beer

            Sounds just like Denver.

          • 2/10 not enough squigglies.

          • Gvacamole Jim

            DAMMIT THIS IS MY HEART

          • Xan

            Get on my level:

          • Gvacamole Jim

            HOLY HELL

          • Dude, you’re like the nicest, most humble dude I’ve ever met, in person or over the interwebz.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            ^^have to back

          • thank you very much for your kind words, bros.. I’m always honest with this community and whenever you need some chit-chat about anything I can help!!! @nordlingritesovkarhu:disqus

          • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

            This took me a minute

          • perfect Naivetë MSPaint <3

          • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

            I worked pretty hard on it for you!

          • KJM

            I’m always grateful to live in a country/state where people actually care about the public infrastructure.

            Speaking of Central/South America, I haven’t heard from my online “girlfriend” in Argentina for a long time, getting kinda worried.

          • try to contact with her, I’ve read that Argentina is passing through economics issues too

          • KJM

            I’ve been messaging her on Twitter and getting no replies back.

          • VVorld Peace

            Link, if you ever come to Texas, you’ll have a couch on which you can crash.

          • Would be an honor to sleep in the couch of a former president lol. I can imagine telling that to my children.

      • and this time I’M REALLY COMPLAINING. because I moved out more faraway of my work. And now I get half-hour less sleep. So that’ make link more cranky u_ú

      • ‘Murica!

  • Stockhausen

    Elf on the Shelf is stupid. On that note, I want to see if anyone else like me in that they hate Things. Not everything, mind you, because some things are perfectly fine, or even desirable. However, as soon as a thing becomes a Thing, I can’t stand it. Easy examples would be certain hand gestures or body language by bands or fans at shows: when I first saw the crowd give weedly fingers to someone playing an awesome solo, it was like “Ok, yeah, I see what’s going on here.” Now it’s a thing to where a fat 13 year-old-kid at a show thinks he HAS to do it because it’s a Thing at a metal show, and a guitar player starts to play a moderately involved riff that goes above the fifth fret and the fat kid springs to action with his stupid weedly fingers.
    Not to mention Things like Glee, musicals, The Big Bang Theory, any quote that was ever said on that wretched show, Nike shirts with tuff guy sayings, and Elf of the Shelf. I promise I’m not a bitter person, and it’s an open swim and we’re talking about things that suck.

    • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK
    • Tom Waits For Better Days

      I like The Thing, particularly Carpenter’s

      • Death

        I don’t like things made out of wood. They leave splinters.

        • Tom Waits For Better Days

          Not if it’s a good carpenter. Like Marxus the Carpenter.

          • Elite Extremöphile

            or my main homie JC

    • Gvacamole Jim

      PAIN IS JUST WEAKNESS LEAVING YOUR BODY

      No. Fuck you Nike. Did you say that to your child sweatshop workers that you paid next to nothing?

      • I love seeing fat children wearing nike shirts that say shit like “EVERY DAMN DAY”. What the hell are you doing every damn day other than eating doritos

        • Playing vidya and drinking MTN DEW, BRAH.
          #420BLAZEIT

          • I really need to beat far cry 4, but Dragon age

          • I still need to beat like every ps4 game I have, and I asked for like 4 more for Christmas. What the fuck am I doing with my life?

          • I feel you, I just pre ordered a bunch of Shit on steam and I probably won’t have finished half the shit I have by then.

          • Death

            You can give that life to me

          • You wouldn’t want it, it’s filled with music.

          • Death

            Shut your mollusk mouth!

          • Filthy heretic, also Lmao at mollusk

          • Death

            The joke about me not liking anything is kind of old now that there is proof that I in fact do like music.

          • I still find it funny tho

          • Death

            Fine Jack. Live in the past.

          • Will do, *cranks what’s my age again*

          • *leave Death alone* T_T

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            Nothing! And it feels good!

          • KJM

            Rocksmith isn’t exactly a game you “beat” as such. I read a review by someone who was frustrated that they’d been playing for all of 3 months yet still struggled with the basics, then it finally dawned on them that they should still be having trouble with guitar after only that amount of time.

          • Elite Extremöphile

            Rocksmith: can’t 360 no scope not real game bad/10

          • EsusMoose

            I’d like to see you 360noscope420blazeit with a guitar hero controller

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

            I want Far Cry 4.

          • Xan

            I just started Dragon Age today. My computer is crying with how much I am abusing it.

          • Nice lol, my computer runs it with ease, but witcher 3 might be a different story

          • Xan

            My computer does too but I can tell that it will be time for new graphics cards in a year or two. The Witcher 3 is going to be a test of strength for my cards. They shall fight the good fight.

          • I have a 780, might go sli for the witcher, we’ll see.

          • Xan

            I’ve got two AMD 6900s. If I can’t run it, I might finally upgrade and get a couple 980s.

          • KJM

            I’m all “about dat life”.

        • Gvacamole Jim

          Maybe there’s just been a colossal misunderstanding of Nike’s messages. What if we’re wrong?

          http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120323032450/mlp/images/9/9a/MIND_BLOWN.gif

          • Between The Buried & Smee

            That guy has Devin Townsend’s eyes.

        • Stockhausen

          I see those ALL THE FRIGGIN’ TIME where I teach. I have a 7th grader who’s awful at everything with a shirt that says “Too many ROOKIES, not enough PROS.”

      • PAIN IS A WARNING (Today Is The Day)

    • I’m with you. Death to all Things.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I also tend to have little to no interest in things everyone else goes nuts over. The Avengers or Game of Thrones for example, i.e., things that are so ubiquitous I’ve already heard every goddamned thing about them before I’ve even seen a single second of them. It kills my curiosity.

      • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

        When it comes to GoT, I’m gonna be that guy that says “Read the books, durr.” Because honestly i think 80% of the people who gab about GoT are people who haven’t read the books and know 20% of the story.

        • Tom Waits For Better Days

          Not a single ep. have I seen. All the books I have read. It’s getting pointless

        • VVorld Peace

          I support reading the books. Read all the books!

        • KJM

          I’m reading and watching.

      • Stockhausen

        Absolutely. We just need to hang out in Norway and not like things.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          I’m down. Also I’m at your house, finally concluded the drive down here. I’m in costume so I won’t be hard to spot.

    • KJM

      Fuck “Big Bang Theory” with a rusty chainsaw. Speaking as someone who has geek/nerd interests, I can honestly say I would never spend time with those people, never mind the obvious lack of Metal on that show.

      • I fucking hate that show. And not because of the whole “nerds are cool and funny” thing. It just isn’t funny in the least bit. It’s like the McDonald’s of television shows, but at least McDonald’s fills your stomach for a bit.

        • VVorld Peace

          Death to laugh tracks.

        • KJM

          Exactly, that’s the bottom line. It isn’t funny at all.

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            what makes me laugh is the laugh tracks on the flinstones and scooby doo. WTF is that needed for. I just saw that venture brothers where they were making fun of scooby doo, everyone was old and looked terrible. Really funny, but i don’t have to tell you that.

          • KJM

            Yeah, I’ve seen all the Venture Bros episodes multiple times.

          • Vriezen

            Now I want to binge on Venture Bros.

        • Lacertilian

          It’s always been typical Chuck Lorre masturbation.
          Something for jocks to laugh at, thinking ‘nerds’ act anything like that.

      • Xan

        I ended up watching it for four seasons and finally realized that it was not in fact a funny or clever show. That show is what made me stop watching television and look to YouTube for all my viewing needs.

      • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

        I did like the blonde girl but her new short haircut and now that i know about them fake boobs are deal breakers. The short one who speaks like a smurf is kind of cute. Yea, i watch the show, you got it out of me. I figured you might be reading between the lines. Just vaporized so my comments may be BETTER than ever.

        • Max

          The Smurfette is the only reason to watch it!

    • Max

      I absolutely loathe Glee. The Big Bang Theory? Well, watch one of those YouTube clips where somebody’s edited out the canned laughter and you realize just how profoundly unfunny that show is.

      Musical theater is a lower form of art than child snuff porn. Or possibly even opera.

      Sorry, that’s going too far. Nothing could be lower than opera.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

        Fuck Glee and The Big Bang Theory with a giant cactus. Same goes for the band Tigertailz, Tony Martin, salads from fast food restaurants and Burger King discontinuing Chicken Fries again.

        • KJM

          Fuck all hair metal from the 80s in general. It gave the good stuff a bad name and was asking to be swept aside by something else.

          • more beer

            I agree I couldn`t stand that shit then I certainly can`t stand it now.

          • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

            there was a lot of under the rader legit hard rock/metal bands that were smothered by the weak acts like latter day crue, bon jovi, warrant and poison. I considered ratt, dokken and especially tesla to be good bands of the day.

          • KJM

            I still remember the days when Ratt & Dokken were billed above Metallica, and I remember complaining because Metallica were better. Although the first 4 Metallica albums will always be 4 star classics, the days of both those statements being true are long gone.

      • more beer

        That`s some hate max I approve!

      • Stockhausen

        The Big Band Theory is painfully, horribly unfunny, and music theater is the worst. However, I must fight you to the death over your position on opera. I don’t particularly care to listen to it often, but it is miles above many forms of art.

        • Max

          You’d fight me to the death to defend an art form you don’t listen to often?

          Jeepers, Stockhauzen. I’d hate to get into a scuffle with you over the merits of, say, Stockhausen!

          • Stockhausen

            I may not agree with your assessment of opera, but I will fight to the death for my right to fight you to the death about something, I think, that I might have said earlier, to fight you to the death about. I’m tuff.

          • Max

            Composers: They build ’em exactly like they used to!

    • more beer

      Yes because there is a lot to hate in this world. I hate most of the thing`s you have mentioned plus many more. Someone called me a cancerous person on FFB for not liking Baby Metal. My response was good. It`s not in our nature to like everything and everyone.

  • let’s see, gotta find something about which to be mad…
    MY STUPID REAL LIFE FRIENDS FOUND ME ON FB 🙁 i have like 20 friend requests since wednesday.
    did you guys tell them???

  • Gvrp

    But if elves were all gone, what else would I have an unhealthy interest in?

    • my little ponies.

      • Death

        Plz do not mention those things ever again!

        • Gvrp

          They live
          They breed

      • Hubert, Goat ov Doom (and Void

        I used to watch My Little Pony religiously a few years ago. #Hubertfax

        • Gvrp

          Fell off the wagon?

      • Gvrp

        But what if Paris writes oddly erotic stories about me?

  • VVorld Peace

    Something about which I am mad: I still have to cut about a thousand words from my journal paper, and I have no idea how I’m going to do it.
    Something about which I am glad: My Portal/Blood of Kingu should arrive tomorrow!

    • Gvacamole Jim

      Cutting down words is hard man, I feel you.

      • VVorld Peace

        It’s killing me, dude. I just wish these publishers cared that I have so much to say!

        • Gvacamole Jim

          The Toilet always wants more, W. Find your solace in its soothing waters.

    • Gvrp

      Like, as in, you wrote too much? I envy you, I struggle to write the bare minimum required.

      • VVorld Peace

        Yup. That’s actually pretty common for me 🙁

    • I know the feels bro.. I cutted some stuff of a paper I wrote this week *sigh*

      • VVorld Peace

        Solidarity, brother.

      • VVorld Peace

        By the way, I’m also sad that I have yet to receive a Link sticker.

        • soon, bro; soon!.. I have some designs in my Link’s backpack to send to the imprint next week 😀

          • VVorld Peace

            Are they next to your bomb bag and your adult wallet?

          • I have an adult wallet! It got one of those heavy metal chains jajajaja 😀

            I’m not using bombs right now. I think I will buy a hammer or a pocket knife to defend myself of the venezuelan ReDeads around here 😛

    • Xan

      My professor told us not to write over five pages because he doesn’t want to read a bunch of dissertations. When I write, I go until I finish and don’t worry about the length. Turns out, I ended up writing 21 pages on genetics. It was a pain to cut it down but I kept the original copy in case I ever have another assignment that requires a paper of a longer length.

  • CyberneticOrganism
    • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

      Private Eyes >>>

  • Further Down the Metal Hole

    I’m mad at an online shop for taking over a week to ship my order of 6 CDs. I’m not expecting next day shipping à la Amazon, but it’s a quite large shop with a decent customer base and I also pay for my orders to be prioritized over orders from simple peasants, so it can’t be that unrealistic to expect shipping within 3, maximum 4 days.

    • Death

      I had a big fight for CDs back in 2005. There was this now infamous record store called Ukinmusiikki. It had a blind owner and it was always in debts. The store had a bad relationship with its costumers. Albums that they didn’t have were listed on the website, orders took really long or never arrvide and he was not a fan of returning money. I ordered two CDs and they never shoved up. After contacting the police about it, I finally got my money back 6 months after I ordered them. He never had those album.

      • Gvacamole Jim

        What a cock. And you probably couldn’t even pronounce that store’s name!

        • Tom Waits For Better Days

          I’m more worried it happened thousand years in the future, nearly.

          • jajajajaja… I knew something was wrong

          • Death

            I fixed it you dick.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I thought for a moment you were a multidimensional being existing in various times simultaneously.

          • JWG

            Death is the first true (tr00?) Time Lord.

          • Gvacamole Jim

            I didn’t even notice that!!

      • I think you later poke it, right?

      • Tom Waits For Better Days

        I actually have the same problem witv levykauppa äx right now, at least they’ve apologized and ordered my records for no additional feea. That’s how it’s supposed to be done. Not how grandpa handled it.

        • Death

          I’ve nevre had problems with them. Have you read all those old threads about Ukinmusiikki? If you haven’t you should.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I should now and Äx did do the right thing. Am going to continue using them and being happy.

      • Further Down the Metal Hole

        Haha, I feel kinda bad about complaining now, obviously it could be way worse. Being Death and all, one might think you do deserve it though.

        • Death

          Don’t you say that! I just do my job!

          • Further Down the Metal Hole

            I feel for you.

          • Death

            I can’t feel you back, because I apparently don’t have feels.

  • JWG

    Last night I began my annual ‘tradition’ of non-traditional Christmas-themed film viewing – with Silent Night Deadly Night.

    Tonight I think I may go tangentially for something wintry-but-not-explicitly “Seasonal” like ‘Frozen’. No, not the film featuring “Adele Dazeem” (™ Old Man Barbarino). The older one set at a ski resort that generates constant ire from parents on YouTube channels and repeated insistence that it *must* change its name for all future marketing purposes and internet identity or face a nation-wide angry lawsuit from Concerned Parents Everywhere.

    I’m hoping to track down a Blu-Ray copy of Black Christmas (not the remake) before the season ends. If I don’t find it locally I’m going straight to Amazon (which has it). In the meantime I have plenty on the list to keep me occupied a few nights each week from now until then…

    • SNDN Part 2>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> (and not just for the infamous “garbage day?”)

  • Edward #negrod4eva

    I have a four hour tattoo appointment slated for 5:00 pm central time. I doubt it will take that long.

    Separately, me, the infamous “C”, and all Toilet Ov Void writers, editors, and contributors in any way should get matching “die in obscurity” tattoos. I have a style in mind and may get my tattoo artist to draw it up at some point if my finances are in order.

    After my tattoo appointment I’m seeing Gnawed (PExxx) and others at a house show in Mpls. It should be full of brutality.

  • George Clarke

    i like that movie :0

    • Lacertilian

      christmas girls are more my thing.
      Sorry I had to.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    When there is no more room in Hell, the Elves will walk the Earth!

  • Apparently Every Time I Die are playing near me tonight, so it looks like I’m gonna have to go to that.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

      Red Dragon Cartel is coming near me tomorrow. I’m not going though.

    • Elite Extremöphile

      It’s both a moral and legal obligation.

      • Though it’s going to be awkward telling my coworkers how I got black eyes and bruises at the holiday party tomorrow…

        • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

          I would be disappointed in you if you didn’t go, Ann

  • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

    In the continuing saga of “Boy is that Guy Nerdy,” tonight we will be LANing the PS3s for DkS2, and MW3/BO2 party games. Copious amounts of illegal substances, as well as blasting shoegazey blvkk metal like hipsters next to our blvkk christmas tree. Drinking blvkk rum, doing dvrkk work. Here’s this little thing for you, lifelovers, about a blvkk horizon (that I dont think anyone upvoted in the “you choose it” post.):
    http://youtu.be/sIwcjllQb6s

    • KJM

      I’ll be watching SHINE Womens Wrestling tonight via iPPV with some Platinum Dream in the bowl.

    • Flight Of The Concords?

  • FeelTheDarkness

    The only elves that deserve to live are the Keebler ones. They make the cookies i like to eat when stoned.

    • KJM

      This is a very compelling argument.

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

    Here’s my rant: Fuck seafood salads, McDonalds, the band Warrior Soul, the invention of motorized scooters, Duke Nukem Forever, Daikatana, and Tony Martin with giant cacti. McDonald’s is disgusting, seafood salads have salmon in them of which I hate, Duke Nukem Forever and Daikatana were terrible games, motorized scooters have enabled fat people to be lazier and fuck Tony Martin for being an awful singer.

    • KJM

      I love salmon but I can’t stand seafood salad of any quality never mind McDogFood’s.

      Never played Daikatana but Duke Nukem Forever was boring, gave up on it.

      Motorized scooters are good for people who are actually disabled but bad for those who aren’t.

      I can’t muster up enough emotion to are about Tony Martin or Warrior Soul one way or the other, but Sharon Osbourne was right about Martin era Sabbath cheapening the value of the name.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

        I’m excited that the McRib is back but that means I’ll have to go to a McDonald’s and that makes me sad.

    • Might wanna sit down and bite your knuckle when I tell you this, but there are MANY different types of seafood salad, most of which don’t have salmon.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

        I still hate seafood salad. I had one with shrimp in it from Burger King once and it sucked.

  • Xan

    I’ve yet to see “Elf on a Shelf” because I stopped going to stores a long time ago (Amazon, bitches!). Based on the name alone, I want to burn down every store in existence. Fuck rhyming. Make a cool ass poem or get out. We don’t need your terse versing, limerick spewing, live-loving bitch ass in this joint.

  • CT-12

    Unrelated, but man, R.I.P. Ephel Duath

  • Mother Shabubu III

    BREAKING: Davide Tiso just laid Ephel Duath to rest. Sad to see a great band go, but I understand why he needed to let it go. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Xm-3JCqSDI

    • Count_Breznak

      He should have laid it to rest after “A pain necessary to know”. He was never able to top Painter’s Palette.

      • Mother Shabubu III

        I got into them/him through their last album and EP. I’ve just started with their past material. Ephel was on another wavelength though, that’s for sure.

    • Never heard of them. Got a song I should start with?

  • KJM

    So, one of only 2 Saxon/Armored Saint US shows announced thus far is in Worcester. I’d be foolish not to go.

    • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

      Oh yea go, for saxon this is a huge US tour. Seriously these guys have about the biggest rep in metal at this point, you don’t ever hear anyone say derogotory words about saxon. Yet they have basically sold zero albums in the United states. Now is that because they never tour? or would it make a difference in albums sales if they tour extensively. Take priest for example, remember robert halford said they would be doing limited touring.
      Well, they have hit every venue , even slightly visited places in the rust belt. Not to mention canada. That was a bold face lied to back pedal the whole retirement tour debacle. Then after tickets are on sale announce a member as important as the lead guitarist is being replaced !? Why who else could get away with such shacanary. Oh, only priest, rob halford drops a diaper full with 2wo and we forgive for that. The he makes a string of tepid ” metal ” albums. When he does reunite with priest he makes forgettable albums at best, horrible ones at worst ( nostradamus – a double concept album , ahhahahhahahhahhha, not even rush did those. Pink Floyd the wall. The concept record has been done perfectly. They insulted me by even trying to do one, and about nostradamus no less ! hahahha
      And lets not forget how badly halford quitting hurt the priest as band financially
      and critically. The 2 albums they released with ripper were embarassing disasters. Could it be that priest blew their last load with painkiller ? There is little doubt they did.

      But yea, IT’S FUCKIN’ SAXON MAN”

      DENIM AND LEATHER BROUGHT US ALL TOGETHER

      • KJM

        True enough, but it’s not like Saxon have really done anything worthwhile since the 80s either. The reason they didn’t sell as much is because their material wasn’t as catchy as Priest or Maiden. They were as much of an acquired taste as you got with Metal in the 80s. I admit though, I’m going to this show much more for Armored Saint. ‘Delirious Nomad’ is one of the top Metal albums from the 80s that stands the test of time very well.

        • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

          Last time saxon played in the states fozzy was the opener ! I am pretty sure biff and the boys had no part in choosing them for an opener. I wish jericho would just stick to wrestling and quit trying to be a metal star. Sure, he can sing, but so can a million other people, the fozzy albums just get worse and worse. And the name fozzy. It just smacks of novelty and that he is somehow aligning himself with ozzy. He isn’t fit to scrape the shit off john osbournes shoes. I hate to say it but fuck you jericho. Take your fozzy bullshit and pack up before someone body slams you into oblivion.

          • KJM

            I agree 100%. He’s not impressing Metal fans and the wrestling fans just buy his stuff because he’s Chris Jericho. They could care less if the music sucks because they have no real ear for it and I don’t mean that as an insult, I mean that in the sense that many of his fans are not Metalheads to begin with.

          • And they’re likely the fans who bought John Cena’s CDs, watch his horrid fucking movies, and actually take him seriously and quote that ‘thugnomics’ shit. Riiiiiiiiiight. I wanna send those idiots off to Englewood (Chicago’s murder capital) or Detroit and let them talk thug-isms with actual thugs.