Five Symptoms of a Live Communion with Sektarism

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In response to a recent promotional effort from Suspicious Activities PR targeting impressionable young metalheads with the allure of the taboo Sektarism live ritual, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have taken to social media to warn parents and guardians about the dangers of the French doom/drone cult.

On Friday, the CDC published the following list of symptoms of Sektarism Ritual Engagement (SRE) after the mysterious PR firm distributed the following email:

Sektarism has gained an infamous reputation for their public appearances. Their fully ritualized approch of the act of playing live makes them different and unique. Each ceremony is not a gig but a celebration in the name of the Hidden Absolute, a codified-yet-improvised praise to the Lord. The communion with the audience can be total, as the assembly sets everything in place to summon the bleakest trance possible. Everyone may be involved in the ritual, making it a radical experience in the age of sterile and harmless entertainment that so-called extreme metal has become.

If you’re concerned that you or a loved may be suffering from SRE, check for the following symptoms:

1. You’re getting the entire text of De Occulta Philosophia libri III  as a thigh tattoo.

Nothing screams “I’M INTO THE DARK ARTS!” like a faithful presentation of Heinrich Cornelius Agrippa’s landmark study of occult philosophy, but you or your loved one may be trying to keep their SRE hidden. To that end, a thigh tattoo still allows you to flaunt your faithfulness when you’re wearing hot pants but allows you to keep it under wraps when you’re in business casual. Plus, it will look great next to your other thigh tattoo of the entire Bee Movie script that you got while you were young and impressionable and into memes.

Always limber up before engaging in Dark Arts. (via)

2. You suddenly have an urge to hang out at your weird uncle Ted’s dragon and crystal store.

You know the one? It’s in the farthest, most poorly lit corner of your mall, next to the comic book shop and the Catholic goods store. It’s got all those weird dragon and fairy statues in the window displays. It, and your uncle Ted, has always creeped you out, but now that you’ve contracted SRE, you suddenly want to go mill about in the store. You want to look into all those crystals, burn some sage, and maybe buy an adult coloring. Hell, you may even hang out with uncle Ted for a bit. I’m sure he knows a bit about the dark arts that he’d just love to pass down to you.

This baby grants +5 CHA. (via)

3. You’ve created a DeviantArt account to upload your drawings of demons.

Ever since you came down with SRE, you’ve been drawing demons. A LOT of demons. Big ones. Horned ones. Little ones with cute little pointy tails and cigars. Buxom succubi and yoked incubi. Horse demons with human heads, human demons with horse heads, and owl demons with owl heads. Ever since that Sektarism concert, your pen seems incapable of conjuring anything else in your notepad than infernal beings. Middle of Algebra 2 with Mr. Homer, you’re taking notes, and BAM! A big ol’ hairy, muscly demon man. At least all those demons will be in good company on the internet’s official home for the dark arts, DeviantArt!

See, owl demon! (via)

4. Groups of turkeys keep circling around dead cats in your neighborhood.

Where did all these turkeys come from? You live in Des Moines. There aren’t any turkey ranches nearby. You live in a vintage township, for God’s sake! Yet every team you leave your house to jog over to Trevor’s to show him your latest vascular demon drawing, there are those got dang turkeys, circling around a dead cat again. Surely that isn’t the same cat. Is it? Are those turkeys moving a dead cat around the neighborhood? Why turkeys, why?!?

5. You’ve been searching online to find an Orthodox Balrog to officiate your destination wedding in Angmar.

Daddy made it very clear in no uncertain terms that one of those Morgul rats just wouldn’t do, so now you have to find a licensed and registered Orthodox Balrog to officiate your destination wedding in Angmar. He has to speak the black tongue fluently and better be dang good with a flaming whip because the cake isn’t going to cut itself. Thankfully, Angmar is lovely this time of year, with a pleasant gloominess that will be much less taxing on your pallid skin. The all-black wedding gown won’t be nearly as sweaty. Add in the fact that you can post a picture of your Orthodox Balrog officiator to your DeviantArt account, and it looks like everything is coming together quite apocalyptically.

Any Orthodox Balrog worth his sulfur should smell like sage. (VIA)

If you or a loved one have been exposed to Sektarism and are showing any of the symptoms of SRE, the CDC advises that you’re SOL and might as well just accept your new identity. So go buy a monocle, a cloak, and get weird with it.


Sektarism’s SUPER SPOOPY new album, La Mort de l’Infidèle, comes out May 19th. Listen to some samples from the long and torturous journeys into damnation that the band fondly refers to as songs here and here. You too can contract SRE via Facebook here.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    Uncle ted’s store was my favorite store at the mall

    • Rain Poncho W.

      I was always too scared to go in.

      • Elegant Gazing Globe

        were you afraid that the army of miniature, pewter, orb bearing wizards were all going to join forces and cast a wicked spell on you?

        • Rain Poncho W.

          More that the little fairies would make me feel strange, taboo feelings.

          • Howard Dean

            I thought the Uncle Ted shops were creepy, too, but mostly because the dudes that ran them always looked like they masturbated to Magic: The Gathering fan-fiction and kept children locked in their basements.

          • Rain Poncho W.

            A lot of the Uncle Ted shops have transitioned into vape shops.

          • Howard Dean

            I went to a mall recently and it had three different vape shops (one that was a bong/hookah/vape shop combo) and a couple of stores that were dedicated entirely to phone and iPad cases. Malls are pretty shitty nowadays. All the traditional malls around me are basically 2/3rds empty now and extremely sad looking. Thanks Obama (and Amazon).

          • Sid Vicious Promos

            My mall is still surviving but that’s because it’s the only mall in Poughkeepsie. The Radio Shack is closing but there’s still a lot of stores there.

          • Rain Poncho W.

            I’ve seen a number of outdoor or outlet-style malls still doing well. I think the draw there is that you don’t have to walk through huge megastores full of sweaty teens/you can still get your more specialized goods. But you’re right, Amazon is changing things.

            Interestingly, I did see a news story recently that claimed that the stores that are doing best in cities right now still maintain a physical presence while offering a strong online presence. Think Nordstrom’s and Nordstrom’s Rack.

          • Howard Dean

            Yeah, strip or “plaza” style malls are still going strong. I think the overhead associated with giant “under one roof” mega-malls is just too great and cannot compete on cost or convenience with online retailers or strip malls. Mega-malls targeted more of a recreational retail segment that was huge in the 80’s and 90’s but is in the process of being extirpated regionally throughout the U.S.

            I don’t think the brick and mortar style store is completely dead, since most people still prefer to buy certain items like clothing in person (probably accounts for continued success of Nordstroms). Hell, I think even Amazon is looking to grow their brick and mortar retail presence (they know it isn’t going anywhere in the near future).

          • Hans Copronym
    • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

      my uncle trever was on a navy ship for 5 years …… he was well known in the following states:
      1. south carolina
      2. new york
      3. tennese
      4.philli
      5.kentucky….

      – Posted by katelynn_adkins, 2011-12-19 09:03

    • Doom Scientist

      Next to the store that sells the black light posters, “back massagers”, and 10,000 types of cheap incense.

    • Sid Vicious Promos

      My favorite thing to do at the mall near me is go to Gamestop and Radio Shack. Radio Shack is closing so that’s not going to be possible anymore. I’ll have to remember to pick up those Realistic headphones they have.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        My favorite mall-related thing to do is to read about the looming downfall of Sears. That company can rot in wet shit for eternity.

        • Sid Vicious Promos

          No one goes in the Sears here. I’m amazed it stays open.

        • Howard Dean

          Sears, K-Mart, and Radioshack are like ghost stores. Somehow they survive year-after-year, yet you never hear about anyone actually frequenting them. It’s like they are fronts for organized crime and their only purpose and reason for surviving is to launder money or something.

          • Joaquin Stick

            I went into a K-Mart on a black Friday 4 years ago because I was waiting for Best Buy to open next door (I don’t actually buy things on that day, my friend and I just liked to watch the shitshow). But anyway, it was a comically depressing experience. It looked like they were getting ready to close the store with how empty it was, but I think it’s still running even today.

          • Doom Scientist

            Despite now being across the way from a high end shopping mall with a IMAX movie theater, the local K-Mart has been going strong since 1981.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            The Sears CEO is an Ayn Rand-loving billionaire who’s dismembered the company brands and basically organized it so Sears pays rent to his hedge fund. It’s like holding a bleeding wound open so the animal is exsanguinated quicker.

          • Howard Dean

            Buying a majority stake in a company to cleave apart and sell its assets to pay down debt and make distributions to investors is pretty standard operating procedure for more aggressive private equity firms (the old guard of “corporate raiders”). It’s bizarre that a hedge fund did this, though. Generally a hedge fund would just go short a stock if they wanted to profit off of a company’s demise. They usually don’t get so enmeshed/entrenched in management like this guy did–not even activist investors like Bill Ackman do stuff like this. Crazy story.

          • Sid Vicious Promos

            I never see people in the Radio Shack in my mall. Even the fact that they’re closing hasn’t brought in customers from what I’ve seen. I’m waiting for the final days to see if those headphones I want are still there because by that point they’ll be cheap.

          • Rain Poncho W.

            The only dudes I know who use Radio Shack are computer engineers/electrical engineers who need to get wires/soldering stuff/arduino stuff on the quick.

          • Howard Dean

            Those are probably things that are easier to buy when you can physically see/touch them, but I bet a good deal of computer/electrical engineers have converted and buy stuff online now.

      • Doom Scientist

        Radio Shack used to be my favorite store when I was a kid, haven’t been inside one in 7 years.

        • Sid Vicious Promos

          Of course they brought back Realistic when they’re all closing. Realistic was a good brand and now it’s going to be gone for good.

          • Doom Scientist

            Where do hobbyists like that go now? Do they just order it all online?

          • Sid Vicious Promos

            I don’t know. They do have parts and things you make at the one in my mall but not much of it.

    • Doom Scientist

      I preferred the one that sold black light posters and “tobacco” accessories next to the record store.

  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    Not 100% sure as to what just happned, but it was funny.

  • Howard Dean

    Hahahaha, this is awesome. Well done.

    The “live ritual” thing has been beat to death and beyond. I cringe every time I see it now. You’re not performing a live ritual. You’re playing a concert with pig’s blood and a fog machine. If I want to watch a ritual, I’ll go to a Catholic mass or watch Eyes Wide Shut.*

    *(Now I want to watch this movie again)

    https://media.giphy.com/media/cAHfy7VD1uHdK/giphy.gif

    https://media.giphy.com/media/2poKnJu6wRSaA/giphy.gif

    • Rain Poncho W.

      I actually dug this music a lot, but every time I see EPK’s like this, my eyes go all Linda Blair.

      • Howard Dean

        Sentences like this one make me roll my eyes: “Everyone may be involved in the ritual, making it a radical experience in the age of sterile and harmless entertainment that so-called extreme metal has become.”

        Is it really a radical experience when everyone already does it in the “so-called extreme metal” scene? Like 3/4 of black metal bands that play live call their sets “rituals.” Shit like this would’ve been groundbreaking, exciting, and cool 25 years ago. Now it’s just stupid and cliche and very much the fabric of the “sterile” scene they so revile. Want to be edgy and different? Actually be different, haha.

        • Jack Rabbit

          But actually being different requires some sort of creativity

    • the password is, “orgy

      • Jack Rabbit
      • Howard Dean

        After seeing this movie I spent a few years infatuated with money and getting rich–not so that I could have a cool job and a nice house and things like that, but so that I could join elite secret societies like the one in the movie and go to orgies with women that look like Nicole Kidman.

        Middle school was weird.

        • Depechemodeisgangsta

          My friend believes that Kubrick was killed because he made this movie and exposed the “Illuminati” way of life.

          P.S. i love his movies, but i still don’t get this movie at all, so many things going on at the time, and Kubrick always put some many details that you have to pay attention, that supposedly have many meanings, the Mask ritual, the lights…. What does it mean? i have no idea.

          • Howard Dean

            It’s definitely a dense movie. I don’t know if I’ve ever really been able to make complete sense of it all, but I enjoy it as a film.* The creepy ritual scene is just so cool, and the opaque backstory about the northeastern elite’s hidden hedonism is a fun one to think about. Plus Nicole Kidman was at or near peak hotness during this movie.

            *Illuminati confirmed

    • CyberneticOrganism
  • Joaquin Stick

    Note to self: Get some hotpants to show off my Bee Movie script tattoo, but every time the word “bee” shows up, the font shrinks.

    I’m a sucker for those Smash Mouth and Bee Movie videos. I’m a terrible person.

    • Señor Jefe El Rossover

      Yes you are.

    • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

      o my gosh i want a tattoo of this so bad .but i cant get one becous im mormen. we have to keep are bodies clean :[

      -schooliscoolsplash, 5 years ago

    • RJA

      I have no idea what you’re talking about – but I do enjoy the Bee Movie so I will do some research.

  • Doom Scientist

    That turkey gif is fucked up.

  • Doom Scientist

    Isn’t that the same part of the mall where the record store is?

  • CyberneticOrganism

    I like the music, but if that guy starts throat singing I’m outta here

  • Hans Copronym

    *a radical experience in the age of sterile and harmless third-tier Sunn O))) ripoffs clad in bedsheets.

  • Waynecro

    Concerts are becoming too much work. Bands already want us spectators to get in the pit and raise our horns. Now we have to participate in weirdo rituals too? Fuck, man, it’s usually a weeknight, and I just want to watch the bands play so I can go home and get to bed.