Five Metal Bands That SHOULD Be Playing The Super Bowl Halftime Show

1378
150
Share:

The best part about being an American male is having an excuse to do nothing on Sundays (and Monday night, Thursday, sometimes Saturdays), except pound some smooth pilsners, eat at least two pounds of wings, and watch God’s game. Watching large men getting paid to concuss themselves over and over again all day is not only fun, but arguably your duty as a God-loving patriot. Also, you must laugh at the commies who think the game is played only with their feet. HA! Wimps. Of course, as you all know, this coming Sunday is Man Christmas, and we need to have a very serious discussion about the elephant in the room: the halftime show.

We all know that the Super Bowl halftime is an abomination on this game of godly men. That shark thing was cool and so was the year the Boss played, but most everything else has been blasphemous bullshit. The NFL, its benevolent overlord, and the morally outstanding players deserve a REAL halftime show with some REAL and HEAVY bands. This ain’t some sissy girl’s sweet sixteen, okay? Let me tell you the top five metal acts more deserving of a Super Bowl halftime.


Fozzy

You know when America WAS great? That year we had the XFL. Lord, that was incredible. I’m confident that Our Dear Leader is going to take us back to those glorious times, seeing as he’s already appointed one McMahon to a federal position. The odds are looking good. If you are shamefully unaware, Fozzy is a band fronted by WWE superstar Chris Jericho and formed with former Stuck Mojo guitarist Rich Ward. Yeah, it’s incredible. You can thank me later. Instead of using cheerleaders or dancers, they should just host a Royal Rumble on the field while they play their hits or Ozzy covers or whatever it is they do. It’s not about the music; it’s about bringing MANLINESS back to the Super Bowl. Professional wrestling is the second-most manly sport (football is obviously first), so this is a no-brainer. Them libtard snowflakes ain’t gonna know what hit ’em, I’ll tell ya what.


Dethklok

Yeah okay, so they’re cartoons, so what? Dethklok is sort of like a real death metal band, only better, heavier, and basically just superior. In fact, instead of making them a halftime act, they should just perform for the entire game. The clock would never stop and the whole game would turn into an all-out murderfest, sort of like a typical Dethklok performance. Hologram concerts are a thing now anyway, so this should be easy. Having a real band up on the stage takes away from the REAL and GLORIOUS men who are bashing their heads together on the field, so having a cartoon hologram is really the correct decision. This isn’t just a game, it’s an all-out blood brawl in the name of our Lord and Savior: Tim Tebow. Anyone not in favor of this idea can just turn in their man card right now, okay?


Slayer

You know, everyone always says Metallica would be the perfect band for the halftime show, but they’re wrong. Seriously, Kirk Hammett is a sissy boy. He would get pulverized on a football field. Kerry King? Now that’s a MAN’s man. If Slayer doesn’t play the halftime show sometime soon, then we’ve all failed. Whiplashing after having downed approximately a hundred Natty Lights (a number you should easily hit by halftime) is something that all men should experience at least once in their lives. For every second of the Super Bowl where Slayer aren’t out there playing “Raining Blood,” with actual blood raining from the sky, Tom Araya publicly shames another one of you delicate snowflakes. Thrash is basically the football of metal genres, meaning that it is the absolute best and everything else is second tier. Slayer are the kings of thrash, so it’s decided. WAR!!!


Van Hagar

Even the manliest of men need a little melody every now and then. It’s an undisputed fact that David Lee Roth is a terrible singer and basically a woman. Hagar-era Van Halen reigns supreme and anyone who says otherwise deserves to get abducted by aliens. Seriously, when they launch into “Why Can’t This Be Love,” the ladies just won’t be able to resist our manly presence, regardless of our nacho and beer breath. In fact, the more you smell like nachos and beer, the more sexually appealing you’ll be. These are basic man facts. They can play some DLR-era songs too, since those are good and Hagar sings them better anyway. “Drop Dead Legs,” was actually a prophecy written about Tom Brady’s muscular thighs. Or maybe it’s about Gisele. Either way, it’s going to bring the house down.


Steel Panther

[Video = NSFW!!!] Even considering all the excellent bands listed above, the rational part of me needs to step in and remind myself that, if a hard rock or heavy metal band is realistically going to play the Super Bowl halftime, then it is probably going to be a glam band. I thought long and hard, but the superstars from Mötley Crüe, Kiss (glam to some extent, shut up), Poison and all the other big hitters are simply past their prime. If glam is going to make it to this spectacle, then Steel Panther is going to be the one to bring it. Their songs are better anyway, and trust me the ladies are going to love it and won’t be bothered by any of their lyrics. Not one bit. I’m totally certain. God invented football and the halftime show. He would want us to party and party hard. I’ve already talked it over with the Editor-In-Chief and he’s going to use his blog powers to make it happen. He’s a huge fan. Yep.

PS – If this post didn’t make you hate me: I’m a Patriots fan. BOOM!!!

Image (via)

  • Óðinn

    Steel Panther would certainly represent the seriousness of the event well. Who is the actual halftime entertainment?

    • GL

      MATT DAMON.

      • Joaquin Stick

        In drag.

        • GL

          ohhmy.gif

      • Óðinn

        Good choice. He’s my favorite quarterback.

  • Maik Beninton™

    “Also, you must laugh at the commies who think the game is played only with their feet.” Vai toma no seu cú seu gringo capitalista da porra.

  • Anthrax should play and do “N.F.L.,” because letters. Even as a kid I always found it odd that Joey actually SINGS the word Efilnifukesin.
    https://youtu.be/dWXN4AYpHJo

  • I hope Tom Brady slips in his Uggs and shreds his ACL.

  • GL

    I vote VanHager.

    10/10

    GL

  • CyberneticOrganism

    TRUE AMERICAN ROCK Y’ALL, LIL BIT COUNTRY, LIL BIT HEAVY, ALL PAR-TAY BRAH

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfj6r5tfEf4

    • *projectile barfing*

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Y’ALL CAN’T HANDLE THE REAL AMERICA HUH
        G’AWN & CRY WHEN I COAL ROLL YER LIBTERD ASS
        *arrested for DUI*
        *fined $45,000 for late child support payments*
        *feral dogs break into house in disrepair*

        • U AIN’T A REAL ‘MERICAN UNLESS UR RIDING A BALD EAGLE WITH A BUD IN ONE HAND AND A MARLBORO IN THE OTHER WITH AN AMERICAN FLAG AS A CAPE!!!!

          • Also YEEE-HAAAA!!!!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            GAWDDAMN RIGHT MY ‘MERICAN BROTHER
            *firmly slaps ass*

    • Eliza

      This is the most musically interesting thing since sandpaper.

      • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

        Note to self: Start a band called Sandpaper

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      Dude, we need a BDubs story about the bros watching the Super Bowl

    • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

      This is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. And I once saw a dog eat shit and then vomit it up. And eat that.

      -Peter Slattery, 2 weeks ago

      • CyberneticOrganism

        GAH

  • Eliza

    I would see Dethklok live.

    • Óðinn

      Me too. With the original Slayer lineup too, that would make a decent halftime show.

    • GL

      Your right, Dokken would be great.

      • Eliza

        The Dokken/Dethklok show is sure to be crowd pleaser.

  • I don’t even know who’s playing the Superbowl. Opening Day is in April, I’ll check back then.

    • Óðinn

      Yeah. Me neither TBH. Haven’t followed it in years.

      • What’s football?

      • GL

        Really? You don’t like sitting around with all of your snot nosed neighbors pretending to like each other while trying to stomach your wife’s best friend’s tofu chip dip all the while a dozen fucking kids run around asking what the score is for the game that you are cleeeearrly feigning interest in?

        • more beer

          I go to the metal brew pub on Sundays. Because Beer & Metal!

        • Óðinn

          No.

          • GL

            You just passed the ultra secret no-bull-shit friend test. Congratulations.

        • Black Smallbeard

          *trying to not hit on your neighbors wife

          • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

            U NEVER KNOW, COULD TURN INTO EPIC WIFE SWAP WORTHY OF PENTCAVE SUBMISSION!!!!!!!

          • more beer

            Or it could end in cave divorce. With her taking your cave and fire.

          • Howard Dean

            I’ve always known that Gorak was an old dirty dog, but this week I’ve learned that Gorak is a MILF-loving fiend. He’s a (cave)man after my own heart.

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            Nothing wrong with loving MILFs

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Upvoted for “Pentcave”

        • I suggest gambling heavily on football. Sure as shit makes me interested in the games.

          • GL

            So what your saying is that I should bet my entire tax refund (that has not been deposited yet) on the Broncos winning?

          • For some reason, tails pays off twice what heads does. Put it all on the coin toss.

          • GL

            Dude, brb.

          • more beer

            Yes you can not lose!

          • Howard Dean

            I used to really love getting my tax refunds back each year. It can be exciting. Then I realized I was receiving them because I had essentially lent the IRS more money throughout the year than I was obligated to, and that I was receiving this over-payment back months later without interest. No thanks. Now I’m happy to pay in as little as possible upfront and hold and make use of my own cash throughout the year. Any return is better than 0%. If I have a liability outstanding and have to write a check with my tax return, so be it.

          • GL

            I generally agree with what you are saying, but, it is easier for the GOV to take as much as they think they maximum-ally could, versus relying on people pay at end of the year. Seems like covering your ass (the Govs ass) is a better business principal than relying on good faith of many of millions of people. Which is not a personal jab, mind you.

          • Howard Dean

            Oh yeah, I don’t knock them for doing what they do, as I would do the same if I were in their situation. They need steady cash flow throughout the year. They can’t just collect it all in April. That’s why there’s withholding for wage earners, and penalties on subcontractors/1099-earners if they don’t make estimated payments. I just prefer not to pay more up front than I need to (and I can estimate that pretty closely).

          • Stockhausen

            I play a fair amount of gigs throughout each year and 1099s have destroyed me in the past on taxes. Having a kid helped for this year’s, though.

          • Howard Dean

            Yeah, self-employment tax is a huuuuuge bitch. Even though there’s a deductible portion of SE tax, the rate plus the estimated payment penalties usually end up fucking people in the ass come tax season.

        • Howard Dean

          When I used to watch football a lot, I hated doing it in a crowd or somewhere that was noisy. I preferred to watch it either by myself or with a very small group. But that’s because I actually really enjoyed the mechanics of the game (I grew up playing and coaching), and didn’t give a fuck about the hoopla around it. It’s also because I am an antisocial asshole.

    • RustyShackleford

      Pitchers and catchers report in like 10-12 days depending on your team. GO METS!!!

      • I cheer for the N.Y. team on the other side of town who has no shot this year, but will be more fun to watch than the geriatric squad they’ve been running out there the past few years. Mets will be good if their pitchers don’t get hurt.

    • more beer

      Pitchers and catchers is in 10 days.

  • Óðinn
  • Joaquin Stick

    I wish I was as excited about anything as those announcers were about Fozzy.
    Gotta stock up on natty light though, thanks for the reminder Rusty! (Or maybe Sixpoint’s 5 Bean)

    • RustyShackleford

      5 Bean >>>>

      I’ve stacked up on some Genesee Bock. My favorite cheap beer.

    • Stockhausen

      I had some 5 Bean last night. That beer rules my butt.

      • Óðinn

        Stockhausen, flatulating Friday.

  • Black Smallbeard

    none of these can pop a titty out.

    • Óðinn

      Kerry King maybe? 😉

      • more beer

        Or go blind.

    • more beer

      A metal band playing the Super Bowl halftime show. Is the biggest pipe dream ever. Most of the population will not tune in. It will kill the ratings and ad revenue. The NFL won’t have that.

      • Howard Dean

        Yeah, I think anything short of Metallica would be a no-go for halftime show. They have the audience and crossover appeal to make it palatable to the television networks.

        • more beer

          Even then. I am not sure it would fly. Even though we find them weak. A large portion of the population would be repulsed. Which isn’t good for ratings.

        • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

          I just hope they actually plug their instruments into something if they ever play the half time show

        • Rain Poncho W.

          Metallica or maybe Mastodon if they continue their current trajectory are really the only bands I could see playing. I think FFDP is still considered death metal by most of America.

          • more beer

            But middle America eats all of the for the troops shit up. They might be acceptable. By those standards.

      • Óðinn

        GWAR?

        • more beer

          While we find the humor in GWAR. Middle America will not.

      • The NFL needs Shiny Happy People songs during their Holy event so that they have some good wholesome entertainment to go on with the violence on the field.

        • more beer

          I am actually more opposed to the crappy halftime show. Than the violence on the field. Since the players are adults who know the risks.

    • Howard Dean

      Speaking of wardrobe malfunctions and this article: The mention of the McMahons actually made me think back to WWF, when Vince started really pushing his kids into the story-lines (late 90’s?) and Stephanie McMahon got big ol’ titty implants and they were on camera all the time. I even remember that she got pedigreed by Triple H once and her top came down and her tits popped out right on TV. I think there are probably pictures of that floating around on the interwebz, haha.

      • RustyShackleford

        Yeah late 90s/early 00s when I was watching the whole McMahon family had a bunch of storylines. Also, Triple H and Stephanie got married back then haha

        • Howard Dean

          Haha, yep I remember hearing that they got married (I think they are still together?). It seemed like Vince and family were involved in at least 75% of all storylines at that time. I think they all got really fame hungry.

          • RustyShackleford

            Pretty sure Vince was dipping into the ‘roids during that era. He was pretty fucking nuts.

          • Howard Dean

            Definitely. That dude got really jacked. He was totally ‘roided out. He was probably snorting up piles of coke, too.

            http://i.imgur.com/ijOg9ma.gif

          • Óðinn

            I see a massive heart attack in his future.

  • Óðinn
  • Dave Vincent’s Perm
    • Black Smallbeard

      better off preordering the Cultes des Ghoules triple lp like i did this morning

  • tigeraid

    You know, I fucking hate stick n’ ball sports. But I’ve always been a wrestling fan, and the XFL debuted right around the most feverish wrestling-fan-period of my life. So god dammit, I sat down and watched a game. Jim Ross hollered WAY less than a normally does, and despite a brief technical breakdown at the start of the broadcast I had no FUCKING idea what was going on for the entire game. I just knew I was bored after the third or fourth time there was a whistle and and the players stood around talking for three minutes.

    I have a funny feeling more people watching that first XFL were like me, than actual football fans.

    • RustyShackleford

      I was 8 years old and it was the PEAK of my wrestling fandom. It was so painfully obvious that the league was stupid and it was all second-rate talent. Even if the league did have good ideas, there wouldn’t be any good players anyway. The NCAA is stupidly the NFL’s farm system.

  • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2
    • CyberneticOrganism

      lolol

    • more beer

      That is even worse than the normal bubblegum pop shit they usually go with.

    • Black Smallbeard

      “We are tired of Prince . . . ”

      well, got that one taken care of

  • Primordial Chaos

    Fuel for your desire to destroy some human bones during the superbowl:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYZMr7QzVhY

    • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

      song got me so pumped up I threw doritos at my cat

      -box chevys, 2 weeks ago

      • Primordial Chaos

        Cool story man!

      • Black Smallbeard

        poor cat.

        depending on the flavor my cat will lick the flavoring stuff off of the chip

    • CyberneticOrganism
      • Primordial Chaos
        • Óðinn
          • Primordial Chaos

            Is he dead?

          • more beer

            Natural selection.

          • Primordial Chaos

            You’re right, end of story!

          • more beer

            Hahaha!

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Ooof, goodbye spine

          • Primordial Chaos

            Yeah indeed, but your GIF killed me, that guy who tried to be impertinent and he was punished with that facesitting move, ha ha ha!

          • more beer

            Yep and we will be paying for this guys disability.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Whoa easy there, this isn’t youtube.

          • more beer

            What the truth isn’t allowed here?

        • Stockhausen

          That’s a few broken vertebrae and a shattered tailbone. Even if he or she landed on the ball favorably, there’s not really a final landing that wouldn’t cause immense pain.

    • Howard Dean

      Favorite track from that EP/comp:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfaX-BuYnUw

      • Primordial Chaos

        Yes!

      • Primordial Chaos

        These lyrics makes my heart warm: Holy shit, look at the ass on that hog
        Whoa dude, I think I’m in love, man

        Oh, bitch
        You’re just a fat fuck queen
        A three ton slut
        The girl of my dreams

        I know you fucked that roadie outside
        But I can’t wait to eat your sweaty meat pie

        Right now

        Oh, girl
        I think I saw you before
        Back behind the bus
        On The Summer Slaughter Tour

        With three holes filled
        And two hands full
        I was eighth in line
        Somehow I knew you were mine

        Now I’m in love
        With each and every fold
        I can’t wait to taste
        That greasy slop hole

        Oh yeah, your cunt’s a fucking cave
        And your ass is like a tank
        But still I can’t stop
        ‘Cause oh heck, I’m in love

        You fat fucking bitch
        Your mouth’s ???
        Why’d you fuck the whole tour
        It’s why it’s hard with open sores

        But I can’t say no
        I keep coming right back for that monolith crack
        Oh yeah, you’re just the love of my life
        Whore, ??? your cunt is mountain sized

        • Howard Dean

          Hahaha, yeah. The lyrics are hilarious. The whole Summer Slaughter verse is funny, as is “monolith crack.”

  • Óðinn
  • Waynecro

    I didn’t even know this Sunday was the Superbowl until I got to the supermarket last night and saw all the sales on junk food. Discount Cherry Coke Zero >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    • Óðinn

      That makes it all worth it. 😉

      • Waynecro

        The final tip-off about the big sports game was the absence of a single hamburger patty or bratwurst.

    • Black Smallbeard

      i bet that means my cheat meals of an entire digiorno pizza or brightleaf hot dogs are sky high

      • Waynecro

        DiGiorno pizzas are pretty fucking good.

        • more beer

          Definitely worth paying a little more for compared to other frozen pizzas.

          • Waynecro

            Very true. Though at this point, I’m pretty happy with pretty much any frozen pizza when I finally get to eat one. But definitely if you’re gonna do it, you might as well do it up.

          • more beer

            Exactly.

        • Black Smallbeard

          that rising crust pepperoni. i then buy a package of pepperoni and cover the whole pizza with them.

          • Waynecro

            I like your style, man. I’m back to lifting heavy again, so I get a little more freedom with my diet. I might have to try this recipe sometime.

          • Black Smallbeard

            Do it man you can’t go wrong with covering a pizza with meat and grease.

            I think I’m getting a new bench in the new Oly bar with my tax refund

          • Waynecro

            That’s an awesome use of a tax refund. One of these days, I’m going to get a cage. My ex is rarely at the house these days, so her car is never in the garage. I might have the space necessary for a cage.

          • Black Smallbeard

            I was actually looking at some of those smaller stand like the one you use

          • Waynecro

            I’m really happy with the stands I have. They’re affordable and really useful when space is limited. I just want the security and additional functionality (pull-up bar, dip station, etc.) of a full cage.

          • Black Smallbeard

            Yeah I would really like to have a rowing machine with those same things on it
            I take it that means your shoulder is good though right

          • Waynecro

            Mostly. It’s still a little stiff, but it feels good enough to start putting more weight on it again with some of the big lifts. I have to work my way back up again, but I’m making decent progress. I’m just happy to be benching again.

          • Black Smallbeard

            Very nice my clean and press is back over 200 as well

          • Waynecro

            That’s awesome! I altered my routine a bit. I’m doing heavy lifting on Monday and Tuesday and high-rep lifting on Wednesday and Thursday. This way, I hit all the muscle groups with high weight and high reps. I really like having three days of recovery. It’s having a very positive effect.

          • Black Smallbeard

            here i am back up to 5 days on

          • Waynecro

            I was going to do five days on, but I did six days on for nearly a year and determined my body needed a break–especially as I get back into heavy lifting again. I might bump it up to five days once I get back in the swing of things. It feels really weird not doing any lifting on Fridays.

  • GL

    Off to pick up my daughter, you all have a good one!

    I will be back for further shenanigans later this eve.

    GL

  • Stockhausen

    I appreciate the ESPNFC link, I got on there and fell into a rabbit hole.

  • Kyle Reese

    Haflway through the Fozzy video, JR’s companion was shouting – “This could be the reincarnation of the Beatles!”