Five Metal Bands That SHOULD Be Playing The Super Bowl Halftime Show

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The best part about being an American male is having an excuse to do nothing on Sundays (and Monday night, Thursday, sometimes Saturdays), except pound some smooth pilsners, eat at least two pounds of wings, and watch God’s game. Watching large men getting paid to concuss themselves over and over again all day is not only fun, but arguably your duty as a God-loving patriot. Also, you must laugh at the commies who think the game is played only with their feet. HA! Wimps. Of course, as you all know, this coming Sunday is Man Christmas, and we need to have a very serious discussion about the elephant in the room: the halftime show.

We all know that the Super Bowl halftime is an abomination on this game of godly men. That shark thing was cool and so was the year the Boss played, but most everything else has been blasphemous bullshit. The NFL, its benevolent overlord, and the morally outstanding players deserve a REAL halftime show with some REAL and HEAVY bands. This ain’t some sissy girl’s sweet sixteen, okay? Let me tell you the top five metal acts more deserving of a Super Bowl halftime.


Fozzy

You know when America WAS great? That year we had the XFL. Lord, that was incredible. I’m confident that Our Dear Leader is going to take us back to those glorious times, seeing as he’s already appointed one McMahon to a federal position. The odds are looking good. If you are shamefully unaware, Fozzy is a band fronted by WWE superstar Chris Jericho and formed with former Stuck Mojo guitarist Rich Ward. Yeah, it’s incredible. You can thank me later. Instead of using cheerleaders or dancers, they should just host a Royal Rumble on the field while they play their hits or Ozzy covers or whatever it is they do. It’s not about the music; it’s about bringing MANLINESS back to the Super Bowl. Professional wrestling is the second-most manly sport (football is obviously first), so this is a no-brainer. Them libtard snowflakes ain’t gonna know what hit ’em, I’ll tell ya what.


Dethklok

Yeah okay, so they’re cartoons, so what? Dethklok is sort of like a real death metal band, only better, heavier, and basically just superior. In fact, instead of making them a halftime act, they should just perform for the entire game. The clock would never stop and the whole game would turn into an all-out murderfest, sort of like a typical Dethklok performance. Hologram concerts are a thing now anyway, so this should be easy. Having a real band up on the stage takes away from the REAL and GLORIOUS men who are bashing their heads together on the field, so having a cartoon hologram is really the correct decision. This isn’t just a game, it’s an all-out blood brawl in the name of our Lord and Savior: Tim Tebow. Anyone not in favor of this idea can just turn in their man card right now, okay?


Slayer

You know, everyone always says Metallica would be the perfect band for the halftime show, but they’re wrong. Seriously, Kirk Hammett is a sissy boy. He would get pulverized on a football field. Kerry King? Now that’s a MAN’s man. If Slayer doesn’t play the halftime show sometime soon, then we’ve all failed. Whiplashing after having downed approximately a hundred Natty Lights (a number you should easily hit by halftime) is something that all men should experience at least once in their lives. For every second of the Super Bowl where Slayer aren’t out there playing “Raining Blood,” with actual blood raining from the sky, Tom Araya publicly shames another one of you delicate snowflakes. Thrash is basically the football of metal genres, meaning that it is the absolute best and everything else is second tier. Slayer are the kings of thrash, so it’s decided. WAR!!!


Van Hagar

Even the manliest of men need a little melody every now and then. It’s an undisputed fact that David Lee Roth is a terrible singer and basically a woman. Hagar-era Van Halen reigns supreme and anyone who says otherwise deserves to get abducted by aliens. Seriously, when they launch into “Why Can’t This Be Love,” the ladies just won’t be able to resist our manly presence, regardless of our nacho and beer breath. In fact, the more you smell like nachos and beer, the more sexually appealing you’ll be. These are basic man facts. They can play some DLR-era songs too, since those are good and Hagar sings them better anyway. “Drop Dead Legs,” was actually a prophecy written about Tom Brady’s muscular thighs. Or maybe it’s about Gisele. Either way, it’s going to bring the house down.


Steel Panther

[Video = NSFW!!!] Even considering all the excellent bands listed above, the rational part of me needs to step in and remind myself that, if a hard rock or heavy metal band is realistically going to play the Super Bowl halftime, then it is probably going to be a glam band. I thought long and hard, but the superstars from Mötley Crüe, Kiss (glam to some extent, shut up), Poison and all the other big hitters are simply past their prime. If glam is going to make it to this spectacle, then Steel Panther is going to be the one to bring it. Their songs are better anyway, and trust me the ladies are going to love it and won’t be bothered by any of their lyrics. Not one bit. I’m totally certain. God invented football and the halftime show. He would want us to party and party hard. I’ve already talked it over with the Editor-In-Chief and he’s going to use his blog powers to make it happen. He’s a huge fan. Yep.

PS – If this post didn’t make you hate me: I’m a Patriots fan. BOOM!!!

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