I’m not going to soften this up for you, the musicians playing at Donald J. Trump’s inauguration are just about as bad as the PEOTUS himself. Just looking at the lineup makes me want to rattle off a whole dictionary of Trump-ian superlatives (SAD! TERRIBLE! LOW ENERGY!). This isn’t even getting to the real issue, which is that the American people elected a functionally illiterate and angry narcissist (not to mention the loser of the popular vote by nearly three million), who is going to lead the free world 140 characters at a time while still earning a profit from his businesses. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s some heavy shit, which is exactly why there should be some METAL bands playing at the inauguration. It’s no secret that the metal world has its fair share of MAGA-shitheads that would kill to perform at the swearing-in of an angry Oompa Loompa, so these are five acts that would be perfect.
Iced Earth are a no-brainer opening act for Trump’s inaugural circle jerk. Main songwriter/guitarist Jon Schaffer is a fairly well-known conservative. In fact, when I was in high school, I actually spotted him at a New York City Adrenaline Mob concert wearing a confederate flag trucker-hat (I have no proof of this, but I swear it happened.). Schaffer does not appear to be a diehard deplorable, but boy are there some juicy “WTF did he just say?” quotes in that link. Schaffer believes that the PEOTUS is not one of the “puppets of the shadow government,” unlike those who bear the last name “Clinton,” “Bush,” or “Obama,” and is happy that “Goldman Sachs doesn’t own him” (ahem…some reading material for you, Mr. Schaffer). It’s not a stretch of imagination to imagine the band swapping their confederate flag hats for some hideously bright red ones and ripping through a couple numbers to open the show. They’ve already recorded a version of the Star Spangled Banner, so it’s really not even a discussion at this point. Plus, I’m not even the first to suggest this. The totally fine and intelligent folks over at Red State have already informed my stupid, liberal ass that Iced Earth would be perfect.
Five Finger Death Punch
I admittedly have watched this fan-made video three times and still can’t decide whether it is pro- or anti-Trump, but it doesn’t matter. Five Finger Death Punch guitarist Zoltan Bathory has been tweeting in support of Trump for over a year and is a well-known gun-toting
shithead patriot. This is the type of band that has a solid fanbase of mouth-breathers that definitely overlaps with The Don’s voter base. I can already imagine the red-hatted members of the crowd shedding a single tear as the band rips through their hit “Wrong Side of Heaven.” (Note: I only make this joke because it’s a bad song, not to mock the band for highlighting the issues facing U.S. war veterans. It is possible to be deeply critical of the military while having a similarly deep respect for those who serve, something that soon-to-be President Dipshit has shown to simply not care about). This is a good way to get the crowd a little more revved-up. Now they can start slamming Bud Lights and grabbing some you-know-what so we can get the real party started
Those two openers out of the way, it’s time for the heavy hitters. Disclaimer: I have no idea what the hell is going on in that video, but it’s not the only weird Fox cable interview that Mustaine has done in response to the recent Grammy nomination. Crazy Uncle Dave has been trying to roll back his previous birther comments from the Obama years, but we all know he said it and that Donnie was right there with him. Dave is, similar to Don, a proud American who can just say whatever he wants and then change his mind and say he never said it, with no need for any of those stupid liberal “facts” or “transcripts.” Megadeth would be a killer choice to kick things up a notch on Capitol Hill, if not for any other reason than it might lead to some Trump voters injuring themselves with whiplash, not being able to treat it due to losing their health insurance, and then not being able to vote four years from now. They’ll close their short set with the classic, “Killing is My Business…And Business is Good…Really, Really Terrific…So So Good, Unlike That Sad, Terrible Business We Saw Over the Last Eight Years…Really This One Is Going To Be Big League, Let Me Tell You”
Ted Nugent, who at this point seems to act more like a character from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest than a rock musician, basically worships Trump the same way Trump himself worships the showers that one can only find in luxurious Russian hotels. I’m pretty sure I lost some brain cells just watching snippets of that video. In all honesty, Nugent not performing at the inauguration is a travesty. If this man isn’t up there ripping through hits like “Cat Scratch Fever” and “Wango Tango,” all while firing shots from his hunting rifle at his desired targets, then this whole event is a bigger sham than fake news. Also, and not unlike the PEOTUS, Nugent speaks only in hyperbole and is quite fond of going on racist and violent tirades, only to then say it never happened. I’m shocked at his absence, not only on the inauguration stage, but in the administration as well. Never fear, I’m sure the nod is coming soon. Nugent was probably just second on the list for NEA chairmen, right after Rocky.
Regardless of how they manage to pull it off, Pantera has to be the inauguration day finale. They can play with any other guitarist, I’m certain that Zakk Wylde, Pepper Keenan, Jimmy Bower or someone can play the riffs for “Cowboys From Hell” and whatever the hell else it is that the potentially inebriated and whiplashed crowd will want to hear at this point. They can just play Skynyrd covers or something; I’m sure it’ll be fine. Honestly, resurrecting Dimebag from the dead would be less of a miracle than Drumpf getting through the next four to eight years without violating the constitution. I don’t want to slander his name, and may he Rest in Peace, but I have a feeling there’s enough evidence that Dime would be cool with performing. We all know where Phil “I’m not a racist, I just yelled White Power that ONE TIME” Anselmo stands, so I’m sure he and the PEOTUS would be happy to trade some of their jokes about bad hombres or something.
Worst comes to worst, I think the first four bands can get the crowd hammered enough that they’ll be screaming “GETCHAPULL” at whoever plays last, and we can probably get Hellyeah to pretend to be Pantera. Vinnie Paul might be more enthusiastic than Anselmo, so it just might have to do. If I have to tweet this article to Don himself 140 characters at a time (or one of the other shitheads he listens to) to make this happen, then so be it. Otherwise, if you need me, I’ll be over here getting absolutely hammered. Yep.