Enter The Crypt And Win A FREE Copy Of Gatecreeper‘s Sonoran Depravation!

1301
111
Share:

Who wants to win a free copy of Gatecreeper‘s latest album Sonoran Depravation?
All of you? Well, shit. I guess you’ll have to compete for it.

Arizona’s Gatecreeper dropped their killer debut album a couple of months back and in doing so, have subsequently been held directly responsible for breaking many necks across the world. The giant crater this thing formed upon impact was not only enough to rouse our beloved moustachioed death metal fiend Leif Bearikson from hibernation, but managed to score a massive 4.5/5 in his glowing review. No mean feat! The bear had only just gone down for the approaching Winter a mere few days before, and as you may know, species of Ursus moustaccium are notoriously shitty about having their slumber interrupted. Fortunately, Gatecreeper’s mix of 90’s Swedeath (Dismember, Entombedet al.) and the muddy stomping grooves of more recent bands such as Black Breath, proved to be both immense and infectious, the thicc af guitar tones appeasing the rustled hunk of hair and claw, lulling him back into his cave with all the riffage he needed for the cold months ahead.

So now you want a piece of this action for yourself? Well, thanks to a very generous member of our amazing TovH community (nbm02ss) you too can get your riff fix courtesy of a free copy of Sonoran Depravation. How, you ask? Simply by inserting the Cryptkeeper into an inappropriate situation in a picture of your choice, the album could be yours. Easy as that. Extra credit if you have a little backstory or funny caption to go along with it. Here’s a crappy 2 minute example of what we’re looking for (although ideally yours will contain actual humour).

o-family-argument-facebook

With the prospect of awkward end of year family dinners fast approaching, having the Cryptkeeper turn up at one of these renown shitfests might actually be more appropriate than that ignorant half-cut uncle who spouts a seemingly relentless stream of “off-the-cuff” remarks that would make even the most heinous alt-reich despot-to-be cringe. He’d also struggle to fit as much pork crackling into his face-hole as well, leaving some for the other 16 people in attendance. Anyway, you get the point. Put the Cryptkeeper in an inappropriate place, that’s all there is to it.

So let’s see your best. Drop your submissions in the comments below and we’ll determine the winner within the next few days (multiple entries are allowed).

  • Leif Bearikson

    It’s true, I get real shitty when I don’t get my hibernation

  • Howard Dean

    ESPN’s very own Cryptkeeper, John Clayton, hanging with Gary Holt/moving pool tables at Burger King.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bi-7BTACYAEsmvl.jpg

  • Freedom Jew
  • Freedom Jew
  • Waynecro

    All the ideas that pop into my head immediately are probably offensive enough to get me banned. It’s not my fault, though! I just edited an article about Nick Ut’s The Terror of War photograph, and I can’t get the image out of my brains. Anyway, I’m going to sit this one out.

    • Count_Breznak

      Meh, I get 2-10 comments “moderated” per month.

      • Waynecro

        I’m not trying to rock any boats or ruffle any feathers–not at the TovH, anyway.

        • Count_Breznak

          Apparently frequent use of a word describing female primary sexual organs in an informal way is looked down upon.

          • Waynecro

            You mean ladylunchmeat, don’t you?

          • Count_Breznak

            precisely

          • Óðinn

            “Beef curtains”?

            https://i.imgur.com/5CwuSJn.jpg

          • Count_Breznak

            -“portal”

          • more beer

            Meat flaps.

          • GoatForest

            Spider trap.

          • GoatForest

            Sand box.

        • Óðinn
      • There’s a word filter.

  • Count_Breznak
    • Waynecro

      GOREROTTED!!!

      • Count_Breznak

        I miss em 🙁

        • Space Monster W.

          Didn’t they change their name to Rotted then start sucking?

          • Count_Breznak

            Yes.

          • Óðinn

            They kept on playing, but something was missing.

          • Count_Breznak

            Some of the songs actually weren’t that bad, I sorta liked Get dead or die trying..but I was missing the more anarchic style.

        • Waynecro

          I will never stop blasting Mutilated in Minutes.

          • Count_Breznak

            I actually didn’t know that there was a show “Only fools and horses” until about 3-4 years after I got the “Only tools and corpses” album.

          • Freedom Jew

            That show was awesome.

          • Al Bundy

            I was literally just going to mention the Only Fools and Horses pun before I read this.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            I own the shirt of that album but I never wear it because the print is one of those godawful pieces of plastic

          • Count_Breznak

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4hIZdW5Rws in some odd way, very british

          • Waynecro

            Their brand of gory humor always came off as very British to me.

          • Count_Breznak

            One might just think em british.

          • Brutalist_Receptacle

            INNIT

          • Al Bundy

            As a Brit I can confirm this to be true. I think Gorerotted were actually Cockney Gezzers.

    • Óðinn

      Give them credit. Looks like they live their art.

      …they have bloody necks.

      • Count_Breznak

        They did. Was present at a gig where the bassist had his leg in a cast and still was too drunk to stand. Still played the whole set.

  • Óðinn

    Oh man. Should I do this? Hmm…

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa
    • I’m partial to this one for some reason…

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Because you are a man of good taste.

        • you say this, even after my speaking ill about Toilet favorites Eternal Champion last night

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Well, if you’d stop bringing that up, I’d be able to get over it and forget the situation ever occured.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa
    • Abradolf Lincler

      goddamn mick jagger just had another baby with his 29 year old wife.

      we are doing it WRONG

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        “ewwww” – KJM 2016

    • GoatForest

      Where’s the Cryptkeeper?

      • Óðinn

        Hiyooooo!

      • more beer

        I do not have enough up votes for that comment.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa
    • Óðinn

      Good one. I like it.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Thanks!

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        I think I’m out of ideas now though, haha

  • Have no photoshop skills. 🙁
    But already have this album and it’s goddamn SAVAGE! m/

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa
    • Óðinn

      I like this one too.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Thank you again! You may have just locked down your winnings however, hahaha

        • Óðinn

          Nah. I hope you win.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Aww shucks!

  • Óðinn
    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Dammit Odinn!

    • KyleJMcBride

      ewwww

      • Óðinn

        Yes, but they have some fresh ink.

    • Dark Spirit of Cold Ural Mount

      I wote zis van, komrad

  • KyleJMcBride
    • Abradolf Lincler

      traffic is gonna be slower than fuck tomorrow

    • Óðinn
    • Óðinn

      Not to be negative, and I’m sure you already know this, but Trump’s Attorney General pick is anti-marijuana. I hope he doesn’t pull some shit, but I wouldn’t put it past this asshole. So much progress, and then this guy…

      As a U.S. Attorney in Alabama in the 1980s, Sessions said he thought the
      KKK “were OK until I found out they smoked pot.” In April, he said,
      “Good people don’t smoke marijuana,” and that it was a “very real
      danger” that is “not the kind of thing that ought to be legalized.”

      http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2016/12/jeff-sessions-coming-war-on-legal-marijuana-214501

      • Abradolf Lincler

        ??? its still illegal federally? republicans are for states rights, remember? i dont think this should be much of a concern

        • Óðinn

          Let’s hope. And you’re right, they are usually for states rights.

          But “states rights” is never really about states rights in practice. It’s about other issues. It’s about smaller rural states being able to deny social progress. That’s what it’s really always been about. And usually, Republicans want to hold back progress. Illegal marijuana is one of the main ways that “law and order” types use to control populations. So many people smoke pot that it’s easy to arrest the people you don’t like if they smoke it.

          But we may have public opinion on our side at this point in time. Marijuana legalization is popular, and that’s important too. We’ll just have to see how it goes. I’m just saying that maybe it will become an issue.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            states rights is exactly about that: states rights. people in california should be able to do whatever they want, and west virginians should be able to do whatever they want.

            but youll never be able to convince a democrat that federalism is the answer

          • Óðinn

            Well, you certainly have a perspective. Good day, sir.

          • KyleJMcBride

            The feds would be nearly powerless to do anything without the cooperation of state & city law enforcement. Federal troops would have to patrol the streets of all 8 states, and then still more states will vote to legalize and even legalize via state legislation.

          • KyleJMcBride

            However you are, of course, correct about the GOP being total hypocrites concerning “states rights” and “personal freedom”. Their stances on marriage equality and reproductive freedom is proof enough of that.

          • Óðinn

            Oh yeah. It was a bout slavery to begin with, and then it’s just a fight over any social issue that arises. States rights isn’t the main principle at stake.

          • GoatForest

            Yep, “states rights” has historically been code for keeping the boot on someone’s throat.

      • more beer

        It is written into the state constitution here. They are going to have a tough time with that. If they decide to be assholes.

        • Óðinn

          Let’s hope.

          • more beer

            Plus we have done 1.3 billion in sales of marijuana this year. There is no way anyone is going to give up that kind of tax revenue. Believe me the federal government takes their share of that legal federally or not.

          • KyleJMcBride

            After a couple years worth of West Coast legalization(not to mention the other states), the amount of money being thrown around will be so vast that the feds won’t be able to resist saying ” Umm, maybe we can work something out here…”

          • more beer

            We made 1.3 billion in Colorado. Just wait until California starts raking in the cash. There is no way our greedy government isn’t going to want a slice of the pie.

          • Óðinn

            1.3 billion..and that was just you. 😉

          • more beer

            the state.

      • KyleJMcBride

        It’s already too late. Enforcing that law in 8 states would take up far too much time and resources and he would lose the Libertarian-leaning vote immediately. I’m not concerned.

      • GoatForest

        Sessions is an all around douche bag.

    • more beer

      About time.

  • Óðinn
    • more beer

      This is just wrong!

      • Óðinn

        They’re in love, more beer.

        • more beer

          I am sure they are. But no one but them ever needed to see that.

  • Óðinn

    I don’t usually like xmas music, but The Pogues.

    https://youtu.be/j9jbdgZidu8

  • Óðinn
    • GoatForest

      Nice.

  • Abradolf Lincler
  • more beer

    Where the hell is Tyree?

    • KyleJMcBride

      I have no idea. He has not been about in some time.

      • more beer

        I know I sent him an e-mail and never heard back from him. I hope his health issues didn’t get too bad.

        • Howard Dean

          He’s still kind of around, just not commenting. I’ve seen him upvote a few things I’ve posted.

          • more beer

            cool thanks

  • KyleJMcBride