Enough Dick Crushing, Bring Out the Crotchduster

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[WARNING: This is very immature. I wouldn’t play it at work, for it contains swear words and embarrassing things that normies shouldn’t hear.] If you’re a fan of silly metal side projects like Surf or Die and dick bands like My Dick, you need to know about a combination of both: Big Fat Box of Shit by Crotchduster.

Have you ever thought to yourself the following thoughts:

  • Between the Buried and Me is a great band, but I can’t stand their excellent segues”
  • “I sure do enjoy Weird Al Yankovic‘s polka medleys, and would enjoy it if they were done with heavy metal”
  • “I find not funny things* funny”

Crotchduster’s sole 2004 album Big, Fat Box of Shit is for YOU, especially if you consider yourself a well-traveled heavy metal fan; as they mix lots of classic styles.

Betwixt recorded lines of dialogue that a 14-year old might find funny; the band provides small segments of heavy metal, thrash, death, 80’s new wave, even lounge.  They’re short segments and they transition seam-fully.  Hell, I don’t even know why they chose to divide the album up into discreet movements they call “tracks”.  They seem arbitrary in length and just as random, though most clock in under the three-minute mark.

The stand-out of this album is “Mammal Sauce”, a 7:23 trip through just about every genre of music you could imagine, starting out with a few dudes “discussing” Crotchduster and this “Billy Williams” character.  It’s awesomely absurd, but definitely not the other way around. The song starts with a little hip-hop ditty (1:05), death metal (1:25), ??? (1:40), more death metal (2:04), then at around (2:30) turns into a pretty damn catchy pop-punk tune that lasts for a good stretch. At (5:04) one can only assume they’re doing an impression of Bobcat Goldthwait. It’s pretty spectacular, but I want you to listen to it for yourself:

The band is a side project of musicians that MIGHT not want you to know their identity, but I’m not positive so I’ll let you do your own investigating if you choose. So in the end, Crotchduster are equally stupid and serious about their craft. Their dedication to both attributes of music is actually pretty impressive, and for that it gets a pass in my mind. If you’re feeling antsy, check out the whole thing on Bandcamp.

* some of it’s funny.

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  • Jason Kolkey

    My college friends and I spent many hours listening to this record. So, to be fair, intoxicated 18-22 year-olds also find it pretty damn funny.

    • same and same. figured it’d be good to unearth this beast for all to hear

    • more beer

      It is a pretty funny record.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Damn, haven’t heard this referenced in eons. Mammal Sauce was the best.

  • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

    Jimmy, you goofy sumbich.

  • This album rules and I don’t care. Thanks for bringing it out

  • This is the dumbest shit. Also kind of impressive.

    • Salvador Dalí Lama

      You just mad your mammal sauce ain’t the best mammal sauce.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    That impression at 5:04 is Danzig.

    • thx bby, was never a Danzig fan enough to know it!

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        BRO! Gotta check out the first 4!

        • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

          Crucial!

        • Óðinn

          First 3. FTFY.

          He went Industrial on the 4th album and it got a bit awkward.

          • ME GORAK B.C.™
          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Four had hints of it, but is still a good album and worth owning. Five is when he really shits the bed.

          • UNCLE BLACKBEARD
          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls
          • Óðinn

            Okay. Fair enough. I’m not a big fan of Danzig 4, but I know some people like that album.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Don’t get me wrong I totally get where you’re coming from.

          • Óðinn

            It’s not that I have a problem with Industrial Metal as a principle. I actually like Ministry for example, but I’m not necessarily an Industrial Metal fan. It’s just that Danzig was really good at the Blues/Doom-influenced Metal that he did on the first 3 albums. I liked that sound better, and I think it suited his vocal style better too. The Industrial stuff just wasn’t the same.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Agreed.

  • UNCLE BLACKBEARD

    this is an album about which i will say that it is, indeed, an album

    • This, but does it album?

      • UNCLE BLACKBEARD

        nope, its an album that doesnt album at all

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Released on Willowtip too, if memory serves.

    • yeah, haha. back when all i listened to was Arsis…

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        That first album was decent, if I remember.

        • Dubs

          Arsis are kind of hit or miss, but “Forced to Rock” is a rad song. It’s about the devil, in case you need a reason to check it out.

          • I dunno. Do they have anything about total filth, hailing the void, or crushing brutality etc etc etc?

          • UNCLE BLACKBEARD

            none of the above

            but they do have technical prowess, and some great grooves

          • Dubs

            I like the solos that go widdly widdly

          • UNCLE BLACKBEARD

            i didnt know you were such a big fan of making the widdles diddle

          • Dubs

            Not usually, but Arsis does it in the context of actual songs.

          • UNCLE BLACKBEARD

            Verily!

          • Spear
          • UNCLE BLACKBEARD

            Sorry Spirit manager kind of confusing me

          • Spear

            (Do) have songs about filth, hailing the void, etc

          • UNCLE BLACKBEARD

            ah

          • CT-12

            This album rules, very underrated

      • Jason Kolkey

        You would have fit right in with my college-era friend group and should probably meet my guitar player sometime.

        • no doubt! fun fact: when i saw your Tong Po article, my first thought was to count all the people i know from Quad Cities 😉

      • COAL ROLL

        they’re the band that thought necromancing the stone was a cool name for their side project right?

        • Dubs

          In my time helping Joe run this poop fetish site, I’ve seen some bad names, but that one is definitely near the top.

        • entirely possible. also the band whom supposedly toured without James Malone because he wanted to style hair (RUMOR, JUST A RUMOR)

          • Pentagram Sam

            Don’t wanna speak for anyone but I do think there was an article on like MetalSucks or somewhere else that explained it, but

            I THINK that Jim stayed behind because he needed to lock down his health insurance. Again, I THINK that he might have been going thru some shit and the insurance was necessary. He didn’t wanna sideline Arsis or anything like that so he had a friend Mike Parks, do vocals. Again, this is off the top of my head and documentation is out there.

          • thx for the heads up, Sam! it was a pretty dumb thing for me to propagate a rumor. i didn’t even think about checking out documentation, i just said something a friend told me.

          • Pentagram Sam

            It’s all good man, no hurting in the butt over here or nothing like that hahha. Not even trying to “quell a rumor” or anything like that either. Great Satin knows I’ve done the same thing alot too . Just since I saw you were a fan, didn’t want you to think that the main dude just stayed behind on a tour to play with hair and put the music in the backseat. If like Jon Schaffer didn’t tour with Iced Earth to reopen his history collectables store, I’d be a bit miffed as a fan.

          • you and i have reached a gentleman’s agreement. now let us hurl insults at each other, to fit in with the rest of the blogosphere 😉

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Sure you’re not talking about Behemoth?

            http://exclaim.ca/images/negral.jpg

          • gah

        • brokensnow

          Thats one of the best names evar. hows the music?

    • Willowtip had some good shit back in the day. I remember liking Circle of Dead Children, Macabre, Blood Freak, and Goatsblood releases that they put out.

      • Dubs

        Circle of Dead Children are cool.

        • If I remember correctly it was pretty downtuned death-grind. Brutal stuff.

          • Dubs

            Indeed.

          • Nice, I’ll have to revisit some of those albums I guess. Been in a grindy mood lately anyways.

          • Dubs

            I wrote an article about a pretty old and super weird grind album. Hopefully it’ll go live soon. It may not be your thing, but it’s really wild.

      • Tyree, my recent Willowtip grab-bag might have been packaged with you in mind! Crow Path (amazing), Circle of Dead Children, and Goatsblood!

        • COAL ROLL

          They did the smart think and signed Slugdge. I can’t wait till they announce some vinyl pressings. My wallet won’t come out fast enough for those

          • brokensnow

            i have the triple album just released. sssooooo good. prog melo death done guuuuddddd

        • Count_Breznak

          Son of Sulphur is still one of my favourite albums of all time.

          • i’m new to Crowpath (received two of their rekkids in my Christmas Willowtip grab-bag), but every fucking second of music i’ve heard from them is amazing. will jam this immediately.

        • MoshOff

          Crowpath >>>>>>>>

        • brokensnow

          crowpath are tits

      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        I was in talks to promote CODC way back when, but the band ended up on hiatus for a while. The singer’s cool as hell.

  • Fuckmouth McFlappy and Slippery Jim, those guys were in a bunch of bands.

  • BobLoblaw

    Jason Suecof may be an immature cripple but this album was actually pretty great. Stars Ingenous Cooter is hands down the best fucking fake live song ever.
    https://youtu.be/m3ZTEswuNWQ

    • fuck, you’re right. there are a ton of gems on here, i should have just included the whole album instead of all those words.

      • BobLoblaw

        Agreed, waste of keystrokes and page space. A podcast of the album that you talk over the whole time would have been pretty great. Who even reads.

      • more beer

        The whole thing from beginning to end is a gem.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    heh, poo

  • more beer

    I love this album.

  • sweetooth0

    This sure brings back memories. Haven’t dusted off the ol’ Crotchduster in some time.

    • more beer

      I listened to it a couple of months ago. It always amuses me.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        About 3 weeks ago for me

        • more beer

          I have listened to it on some mind altering substances a few times. It is some pretty crazy shit.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I was only drunk

          • more beer

            I have done that too.

          • mind altering substances >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

          • more beer

            Yes sir designer drugs can be a lot of fun.

          • I enjoy myocology 😉

          • more beer

            Yes I already knew that. I like that too. But I am also an equal opportunity hallucinogene taker.

          • I will be uh…..popping my cherry with that one in a few weeks 😉

          • more beer

            Enjoy!

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    Great to see this album get some love

  • I was just giving blood this morning and this woman was the absolute worst at her job. She must have stabbed me 6 times before she hit the vein on my arm. And I’m a skinny lad with some nasty big blue veins on his arms.

    • UNCLE BLACKBEARD

      giving blood is a noble thing to do. they don want my blud

      • The job I work at is a medical company. So, every week I donate blood so they can test the machines we manufacture. I get $15 every time I donate. Can’t complain too much I guess.

        • UNCLE BLACKBEARD

          whoa thats cool. plus its like the ancient art of bleeding, and makes your body fight to create new red blud cells

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          That’s kinda low, actually. The blood banks here give $35 for the first time, and $25 for every time afterwards.

        • that’s beneficial to your health too! giving blood is the best way for a male to flush out the iron in his blood, whereas women do it naturally every month.

      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls
    • Salmon of Knowledge

      The holy blood-god won´t accept your sacrifice unless your arm looks like you fell on a porcupine.

    • BobLoblaw

      I just take it in the hand right off the bat.

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    LMAO, this is brilliant! Subtle yet sophisticated,

    • should have added the tag “KJUcore”. juejuejue

      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        Hell yeah! That title would go to the sonic poetry that is My Dick.