Gather round, lads and lasses. Today is the North America Day of Giving Thanks, and my body is just bursting with thanks jelly. There are so many wonderful things in this world to be grateful for, so in between your bouts of wrestling with Paw-Paw and avoiding Aunt Sally’s fingers, you may find some solace in the glowing arms of thankfulness on this here toilet place. After you’ve read and thanked me for all the things for which I’m grateful, void your own bowels of thanks in the comments that I might thank you for the thanking.
10. Whole Chicken in a Can – Things just haven’t been the same back on the ranch since the twins passed three years ago during the poultry-gulping competition. Thankfully, the fine folks at Sweet Sue have read all those letters I sent to Santa and finally answered my prayers. Now, we can once again enjoy the North America Day of Giving Thanks meal in peace with the knowledge that no one will choke gulping poultry. Those smart folks at Sweet Sue had us in mind when they liquefied the bones of this fowl. THANKS!
9. America Online – I know what you’re thinking. “How in the world have the Bushes survived out there on the ranch with only a 56K modem?” Two words. America. Online. The fantastic customer service and beautiful interface have enabled me to stay in touch with loved ones like Joseph B. Thanksnkill. Thanks to AOL chatrooms, we’re always just one roleplaying cyber-message away! THANKS!
8. Hollywood Video – I hate the selection at Blockbuster. I can never find the Police Academy films or Star Wars: Ewok Adventures – The Battle for Endor. However, my trusty neighborhood Hollywood Video has never failed me. Thanks to Hollywood Video, I’m all set for my cathode tube-binging of every season of Fran Drescher’s The Nanny this North America Day of Giving Thanks. THANKS!
7. Carhartt Coveralls – No one likes being cold. The ranch is cold, though. We can’t turn the ceiling fans off or the owls will get us. That’s why this North America Day of Giving Thanks, I’m grateful for my quality Carhartt Coveralls. Stylish and comfortable, these coveralls fit snugly over my deer-hide long johns, and I never have to be concerned about losing warmth in my important nether regions. As an added bonus, the sensible folks at Carhartt installed a hiney flap so that I can continue to stay warm inside my coveralls while taking a doozy of a twosie out back in the wood shed. THANKS!
6. Shrimp in a Pizza Box – It’s really difficult to get seafood out here at the ranch. However, we can still eat like rich blue bloods thanks to the abundant supply of shrimp out in the creek out back. All I have to do is take a stick, poke it down into the mud a little, and voila, I’ve got myself a whole mess of shrimp. These little shrimp really get the Missus’ Prius roaring if you know what I mean, so adding these delicious little creek prawns to a fancy Italian pizza box just seals the deal. THANKS!
5. Ears – No explanation necessary. THANKS!
4. Enriched Uranium – Sometimes when I lay in bed in my Carhartt Coveralls at night listening to the owls in the rafters hooting back and forth, I get overwhelmed by fright and sweat right through my deer-hide long johns until my Carhartt Coveralls get stiff and sticky from night-fear sweat. In those instances, the Missus has to take the Carhartt Coveralls out back to the shrimp creek and wash them to get the night-fear sweat stiffness out. In those vulnerable moments while I’m left in the cold, I know I can use some of my enriched uranium stockpile to do more than heat my oven I use to cook my whole chicken in a can. I can use it to light my space heater too so that I don’t get frostbite in my nether regions. THANKS!
3. Power Metal – In his Old Testament book on Chinese wisdom, the prophet Sun Tzu admonishes us to keep our friends close, but our enemies closer. Taking those words to heart, I have been listening to power metal for years and have even invited Randall Thor over for North America Day of Giving Thanks. As far as I can tell, I have not yet been murdered by an oily dungeon master. Sun Tzu tells no lies. THANKS!
2. Bicylces – What would a North America Day of Giving Thanks be without a good old-fashioned bicycle joust out on the family football field. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m currently the reigning family champion ever since the twins choked on their turkey three years ago, and I’ve only been un-bicycled five times in my entire adult life. I hope Randall Thor knows how to ride a tandem bicycle. THANKS!
1. Dave Grohl – He IS the reason for the season. He brought peace to the warring pilgrim tribes and started the North America Day of Giving Thanks tradition by inviting all of the prisoners in Pennsylvania to his mansion for a meal! Before you gulp down your boneless chicken or crack the first tail off a creek shrimp, give a thanks to Ol’ Grohl. THANKS!
North American friends, what are you thankful for on this North America Day of Giving Thanks? Non-North American friends, what are you thankful for on this average day? Sound off in the comments below!