Dubya’s Doctoral Dissertation Defense Domination: Join Me in Glory!

1857
71
Share:

There is no more brutal field than Academia. The University is the only place in America where citizens can be legally treated like indentured servants for 4 or more years of their lives. When you enter graduate school, you essentially sign on to be an advisor’s lackey for what could be an entire decade of your life. The hours are grueling. The theoretical classes are beyond you. The compensation is typically abysmal. Graduate school will destroy your social life and ruin your relationships. Don’t believe me? Academic studies have revealed that graduate students are at extreme risk for depression and more than half have contemplated suicide.

If, for some reason, you’re a sadomasochist, you can sign on for a PhD. After completing twice the workload that Master’s students are tasked with finishing, your slave-driving advisor determines whether you are ready to prostrate yourself before your committee and take a Qualifying Exam. Although the form of this exam varies between disciplines, it typically involves completing some sort of insurmountable test of all the knowledge you have acquired during your entire college career. I was asked to write three major essays in a week’s time while finishing final grades for a class I was instructing, and I consider the 45 pages I wrote in a handful of days getting off easy. Particularly cruel advisors may even ask you to orally defend the probably wrong answers on your examination before your exacting committee, exposing every flaw in your thoughts and every sin you’ve ever committed in the process. If serendipity smiles upon you, you may be granted permission to complete your dissertation, a monolithic document composed entirely of brand new research in your field. Apparently the old saying of “Nihil novi sub sole” doesn’t count when it comes to your dissertation, and God help you if someone beats you to the draw. If you somehow survive the countless hours of writing and sleepless nights, you are granted the privilege of orally defending your dissertation. The entirety of your life has led up to this single moment, so you had better not blow it. One false step, and it’s back to graduate hell with you.

My brothers, by the time you read this, I will be hip deep in my dissertation defense. I have spent an inordinate amount of time preparing for this culmination of 8.5 years of hard work, so I believe I’m ready. I’ve heard it said, though, that the best defense is a good offense, so if things go south, I’ve prepared a playlist for destruction and domination. Should the moment arise, I shall not hesitate to flip on this playlist and slay with steel. My sword-hand is mighty from cutting through red tape. It is impossible to know if and when my defense will finish, but if I am worthy, I will resurface on these boards later as Dr. W. and begin the next phase of my academic career: the war for tenure. Research for the Research God. Publications for the Publication Throne. Let Knowledge Reign.

Fellow warriors, I have written this to rally the troops for my final battle. You have all supported me this past year or so with dank memes, awful inside jokes, and increasingly lo-fi metal. For that, I thank you. The Toilet has become an important part of my life, and I thank Father Joe and Masterlord Steeldragon for allowing me to share this day with you. Below, I have presented a playlist of ignorant mosh tunes and girth-enlarging pit anthems. Bring me your most ignorant jams and go slay whatever dragons you face. Together, we, the legion of the Toilet ov Hell, shall win through. Go forth, my brothers, and conquer. Know that even if I am vanquished today, I will always be with you in spirit. Semper fudge. Toilet forever.

(*Disclaimer: I have actually loved graduate school, but the risk of mental health issues for grad and professional students is real. If you are currently in grad school and need a sympathetic ear, please hit me up.)

(Photos VIAVIA, and VIA)

  • Edward/Breegrodamus

    Good luck again or I hope the dissertation went well my friend. Let us know what happened!

  • Scrimm

    Sending positive thoughts your way all day.

  • Guacamole Jim

    I worship the Trinity of the Bowl. The Father, Joe Thrashnkill, from whom all things began. The Masterlord, who slays posers in the name of the Father. And Dr. W., who dispenses profound wisdoms in all things flush. I believe in the Toilet, now and forever. Amen.

    • Rubber Balls And Liquor

      Drink deep of the Toilet!

    • Guacamole Jim

      OH GLORIOUS ICON OF OUR BOWL, SHINE THY KNOWLEDGE DOWN AND KEEP W. STRONG THIS DAY.

      • J.R.

        Our Toilet who is ov Hell,Spotless be thy frame.Thy waters come.bowel movement done, as the articles are written. Give us this day our Open Swim,and forgive us our shitposting,as we forgive those who shitpost against us,and lead us not to Clickbait,but deliver us from Posers.For thine is the Joe,and the Master, and the Dubya,for ever and ever.*flush*

    • NefariousDude

      Amen

  • HessianHunter

    DOCTOR DUBYA
    U got this, breh.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbLMrce7OJI#t=1m19s
    Steamroller action crushing all
    Victim is your name and you shall fall

    We chew and spit you out
    We laugh, you scream and shout
    All flee, with fear you run
    You’ll know just where we come from

    Blood will follow blood
    Dying time is here
    Damage Incorporated

  • lol u would defend ur dissertation, u fucken nerd

  • Tyreeling In The Years
  • W,

    You already passed your qualifiers man! You got this! The best part about defending is that you have lived the information day in and day out for months and months and months. Strut your stuff!

    Good Luck,

    GL

  • I’m starting my Master, but still I feel your pain and I understand your thoughts in academic work. With different problems between countries it’s the same difficult and delicate work. I’m still trying to cope with all of that.

    Conquer and vanquish those giants with valor and might. Hold your sword high when the difficult questions sent by those evil academic warlocks try to bring you down, in the end it’s only you between them, with all the good vibes you’re collecting these days.

    HAIL DUBYA! HAIL MASTERBRIEFS! HAIL JOEYJOE!

    HAIL TOILET!

    • Dagon

      This game >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

      • God ov All

        Oh Jesus, the hours I’ve spent on this game.

      • Edward/Breegrodamus

        What game is this Fish God?

        • Shadow of the Colossus, bro!

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            Thanks Link!

          • hope you enjoy it, bro. It def worth every second.

        • Dagon

          Shadow of the Colossus

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            Your homeboy Link beat cha to the punch. I have never even heard of this one though!

    • Tyreeling In The Years

      Hey, I’m in this video. 1:20 in the video you can see me. I’m that tall jerk with the Infest hat on.

      • MoshOff

        I don’t see a magnificent beard, you’re lying. Also the real Tyree would never be found dead at a Dying Fetus show, they aren’t grind DUH.

        • Tyreeling In The Years

          I had a shaved head too.

      • Your joy clearly could not be contained.

      • Dude, no way! That’s awesome!

  • Akerskronks ov Steele

    Let them know what stuff you are truly made of! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QguEyufMCWc

  • tertius_decimus

    Go forth, thy mighty warrior!

  • CT-12

    Fucking get that shit Dubya, you’re the man! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHgAUmJWMlc

    • Rubber Balls And Liquor

      Damnit, I keep thinking it’s Crimson Glory’s ex singer whenever I see this band’s name!

  • The God Emperor of Mankind

    My child, you are but one of trillions, yet equally just as important. May today be the day in which the victory you seek arrives at your side, and all foes of whichever perfidious foulness find themselves CRUSHED KILLED AND DESTROYEEEEEDDD!!!https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPkHi1Jrc_c

  • Rubber Balls And Liquor
    • CT-12

      Nice videogame-ish industrial

  • J.R.

    “Semper fudge. Toilet forever.”

    Best of luck to you VV, you have worked long and hard for this and I know you will be rewarded justly with DOMINION OVER ALL WHO OPPOSE YOU!

  • David Vincent’s Spandex Shirt

    When in need of more heavy “FUCK YEH” support, Priest is always a useful asset https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6mv8hu5lYA U R A KILLING MACHINE!

  • I do not envy the workload to your craft W but would like commend you for suffering through it all. In an early metalcore mood lately so here’s a legit mosh jam on me.

    http://youtu.be/BQWp5CSpcZM

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Just being confronted with a MA dissertation fucked my health for like, a year (I ended up settling with a postgrad diploma), so I’m pretty awed by anyone who can really get stuck into academia. Hope the defense and whatnot goes well dude!
    Also yay xkcd!

  • Rubber Balls And Liquor

    And I’ll throw this godless assault on over. May your victories be many and your body bags full on your way to power and glory!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwklXESEUV4

  • EsusMoose

    I hopefully am not the only person waiting for the mission accomplished from W. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7sIqyoRFiU

    • Dagon

      The lead in this song always makes me
      http://i.ytimg.com/vi/ZdOkdNChseI/maxresdefault.jpg

      • EsusMoose

        Learned on guitar and it’s both fun to play and a great let down because the greatness of the lead heavily because of the accompanying harmony and rhythm parts.

  • Dagon

    I’ve said it before, but I’m sending you all the best vibes, man. Show them who’s President.

  • Best of luck, VV, not that you need it. Here’s an album full of pump up jams for after the fact I guess.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAK7BV_C2UQ

  • NefariousDude

    FLY W FLYYYYYY

  • God ov All

    Trample the weak hurdle the dead >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

  • Count_Breznak

    Ah, the joys of your professor asking you via email if you want to teach a specific course. And before you are even finished reading the mail the first 5-10 students sent you questions about it, because he entered your name already.

    …add Destroy. Erase. Improve. to the playlist. Just in case.

  • Scrimm
  • Stanley
  • SEND THE DEATH STAR!!!
    <3 TRC

  • JVVG

    In a way I feel like I’m perpetually stuck in Academia (although I challenge anyone to NOT feel stuck while working on their second Masters, and fourth degree overall), but at least it’s working well for me at the moment. I was just asked to continue teaching labs for another term in my Department, by the Director himself.

    Which suggests I’m wanted. I like that. But it’s not something I can manage in perpetuity. It would be impossible to make a career of Sessional Lecturer work in my current position of not having a PhD, because I’m way underpaid and also not eligible to teach Course sections – only Labs; and there are at most 3 of those per term.

    Fortunately I have other prospects, but this is already risking TLDR. So ’nuff said.

  • Rubber Balls And Liquor
  • Paris Hilton

    If you don’t study hard your ONLY OPTION is to orally defend your dissertation…. If ya know what I mean 😉

    • Working on that dream myself!

      • Paris Hilton

        Excellent! We can get drunk all day being stay at home parents, watch the soaps, and gossip about the other house husbands!! Oh, I can hardly wait!!

        • Dude. For real. I’d be such a good stay at home dad.

        • more beer

          Being a wifey boy sounds great in concept. One of my friends tried going this route. For a while it was great for him. His wife kept telling him it was what she wanted him to do until she didn`t. His life turned to shit really quickly when it wasn`t cute to her anymore. Make sure you have a back up plan.

      • Rubber Balls And Liquor

        Sure Tay Tay will be ok with that?

        • J.R.

          I’ll ask her when I see her in two months.
          neener neener neener

  • Warheart

    Good Luck.

    My thesis defense was pathetic, consequence of no previous rehearsal and zero organization, my partner did it better, which is kind of ironic since I was the brain of the project, and when the final moment came my mind just went blank. I’m sure you’ll do it better, or at least you can’t do it worst.

    • Guacamole Jim

      Did you still convocate??

      • Warheart

        Sure, at that point, the defense is just a formality, and I did regain my honor in the “actual” defense, I mean, the round of questions from the judges.

        But as I said before, and given all the filters to overcome, if you make it to the defense, you’re already out, I knew some people who were practically beaten to death by the judges and they still graduate 🙂

        • Guacamole Jim

          Okay good. That’s still shitty, but you’re a doctor, so fuck em all!

  • J.R.

    Man how long until we know the results?

    • Guacamole Jim

      They’re in, and you can say hello to Dr. VV.!!!

    • Dr. Dubz

      I have been tested and found worthy!

      • J.R.

        Holy Freedom Fries! Throwing these down in your honor. You’ve done the Toilet proud

  • Max

    I’m rather late to this comment party from working all day, but I’m duty-bound to add my voice to everybody’s best wishes to TovH’s esteemed Editor in his toiling quest for academic excellence.

    I never got as far as finishing an Honours degree; so I can only imagine how rigorous the demands are at W’s level of pursuit. Go hard, bro! Success will be richly deserved! m/

  • Dr. Dubz

    Thank you, friends! Thank you for the support and positive vibes, and thank you for indulging me here. I have emerged victorious and brought glory to the bowl.

    http://cdn.theatlantic.com/static/mt/assets/international/mission%20accomplished%20banner%2023423423.jpg