Dream Theater to Release Terrible Video Game or Terrible Album, Possibly Both

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If you ever ask the question, “What in the fuck is Dream Theater doing?”, you will probably get one variation or another of “Wanking publicly”. Today is no exception.

Last night, our dear friend Link let everyone in the Toilet ov Hell Facebook group know that Dream Theater is up to something or other. It’s called The Astonishing and it promises to be epic in a way that only genuinely bad things can be.

Before you do anything, PLEASE visit Dream Theater’s website to get the full experience. We begin with what appears to be a character select screen for an atrocious early-2000s video game. Some of the figures are blacked out. I think you need to beat the album on single-player to unlock them.

dream_theater_lol

EMPEROR NEFARYUS

Likewise, the world map is still incomplete. We all know that you cannot fast travel to THE VANISHING FOREST until you trek there on your lonesome. Careful, though. If you collect too many anime figurines, you’ll be overloaded and it’ll take for-EVER to quest there.

DT MAP

This is also included, but it doesn’t make any sense. I’ve never seen a video game include a “track listing”. It seems to include heavy spoilers though, so watch out. The character “Faythe” is very obviously the love interest introduced with “Act of Faythe” in Act I. Cruelly, she is cut down in Act II with “Losing Faythe”. With this knowledge in mind, try not to use all of your good Materia on her, like you did with Aerith in Final Fantasy 7.

dt tracks

LORD NEFARYIUS

I’ve yet to see any announcements about which system DREAM THEATER: THE ASTONISHING will be available for, so I’ve decided to put together some concept art for them myself. You’re welcome fellas.

DT-the-astonishing

 

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Garbage.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Hot garbage. The worst kind of garbage.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Hot moist, succulent garbage. I’m getting hot just thinking about it.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Listen to Mayhem to cool down.

  • Dubs

    I want to see James Labrie with a buster sword. Portnoy can be his gunblade-wielding nemesis.

    • Guacamole Jim
      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        This guy looks like a massive douche.

        • That just might be someones spirit animal, boy. Best watch yourself!

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I’m sure it’s the spirit animal of a prog nerd.

          • Guacamole Jim

            He’s my spirit animal.

          • Yours is surely a bison, or whatever this thing is.
            http://www.toiletovhell.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/FLUSH-IT-711×460.jpg

          • Guacamole Jim

            Ah yeah, good times. I’m pretty sure that random hot girl who got onto the stone bull with us goons is my spirit animal.

          • Typically I would not enjoy looking at such a spread of man skin. But I make an exception in this case.

          • Guacamole Jim

            That picture was taken downtown Edmonton. We’d decided to longboard there in our underwear for shits and giggles.. as the cops drove by us they honked and waved. A local video game store let us come in, and they gave us water. I was so drunk.

          • *sweat glistens of your chest*

            Dope story!

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I’m sorry.

          • MoshOff

            I only got my picture taken with the dude at an Alice in Chains show, I wouldn’t know.

          • A massive douche is my spirit animal.

          • HOUSE CAT

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            And the source of you family fortune

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Big ol’ floppy 90s dress shirts <<<<<<<

        https://media.giphy.com/media/2uwYccnDqNHP2/giphy.gif

  • Sweet fucking Christ, Joe.

    *enthusiastically claps*

  • Guacamole Jim
    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I lost faith in them after A Dramatic Turn Of Events.

      • Guacamole Jim

        That’s… Astonishing.

        huehuehuehuehuehuehuehue

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          That was a good pun

          • Guacamole Jim

            I am glad you enjoyed my pun. I suppose you could say it astonished you.

      • tertius_decimus

        “Systematic Chaos” is their latest I can listen to with pleasure.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          I liked the covers on Black Clouds and Silver Linings. They covered Zebra.

          • tertius_decimus

            “Black Clouds…” seemed repeatable. Clearly they ran out of ideas or at least implementations were way off. Not a surprise, given record/tour endless cycle they’re into since long time. IMO, they need to hold on for a while. I’m not familiar with lyrical themes and philosophical concepts most of the time but nevertheless those were pretty interesting back in the day. Now these concepts look forced and overthought and I’m losing belief in what DT preaches, it’s just too much of everything.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Self titled was a good though

    • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts
  • Scrimm

    HAHAHAHAHA Gorp Smuggins

  • I can only imagine that the soundtrack with be 3 hours long. Likely three times more boring than your average 1 hour DT circle jerk. FUCK

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      At least King Crimson has still got it. Yes sadly doesn’t as Heaven And Earth proved.

  • “BROTHER CAN YOU HEAR ME?” HAHAHAAAAAAA

  • 34 tracks of Dream Theater? I cannot stomach one let alone that many.

  • I can’t wait for official Dream Theater pillow and blankie DLC pack.

  • Boss the Ross

    Haha, what??!?

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    This looks awful. I don’t even want to think about how boring it will be live. Will they have actors and shit playing the roles?

  • COAL ROLL

    I will buy this for the sheer novelty

  • EsusMoose

    “Gratuitous amounts of public masturbation and mountain dew” huehuehuehuehue my sides have left for the silver head mountains

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Take the Ragnarok there so you don’t have to walk

  • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

    Now we just wait for IGN and Metalsucks’ collaborative review, obviously with a 10/10 score.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      They’re probably so excited for this.

    • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts

      You mean Axl’s review of it where he explains how it’s all part of one big conspiracy by the blacks and Jews to steal our water supply and melt our beams?

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Axl is trying to steal our water supply and melt our beams?

        • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts

          No, he’d probably try to steal the world’s Ben And Jerry’s and Hungry Man Dinner supplies, though. Then whine about how he’s being oppressed.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            You didn’t get my joke.

          • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts

            Doh! Still not getting it, though. Me be teh dummy poo.

  • Joe….. did you use up all the Papyrus?
    but seriously siqq article! i hope it supports my trackball

  • megachiles

    Fucking papyrus. lol

    • Welcome to the Toilet!

      GL

      • Dubs

        He’s been around, GL. A fellow Texas boy.

        • You guys are like rabbits. YOU ARE EVERYWHERE.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Texas is a big ass state, with a fuck ton of people. True story.

          • Dubs

            It’s all the young conservatives marrying young, brah.

          • megachiles

            Srsly. All I see on fb anymore is high school classmates spawning.

          • Sounds like it time to drop the FB. Embrace the void!

      • megachiles

        Thanks! I figured I’d join in the fun a few weeks ago. Lurking will only get you so far.

        • We are glad you did! Sweet name btw. And avatar.

          • megachiles

            Thanks! I study bees, so I mondegreen’d one of my favorite families/genera for my interwebz identity.

          • Wow, sounds interesting. I would love to hear about them sometimes. Neat

          • megachiles

            I’ll hold a seminar during open swim so we can all learn about pollinators and post Oprah, Nic Cage, and Arrested Development gifs.

          • I am most excited.

          • megachiles

            <3 they are robust lil gals.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Holy fuck I thought you were kidding. Also I think they already made this game.

    https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/3/32/EmperorBoxshot.jpg/250px-EmperorBoxshot.jpg

  • MoshOff

    As a longtime Dream Theater fan, all I can say is… I hope the music is worth it.

    In other words: we’re all screwed.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      There is no way I will see this tour or listen to this album. No band could save the tour and no amount of good reviews can make me listen to this album.

      • Dubs

        What if this tour comes to your area?

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          Still no. That will just make me hate the management at the Civic Center more.

          • COAL ROLL

            what if they want to The Chance?

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Still no. The Chance could never get this and if they did I still wouldn’t go.

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            What if 3 Dog Burrito were the support act?

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Ted plz! That’s not even a band, it’s a combination of two other bands!

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            It’s a super group of the 2 bands

    • Guacamole Jim

      Post Portnoy era Dream Theater is not good Dream Theater.

      • MoshOff

        Only the Kevin Moore albums are real, poser.

        • Guacamole Jim

          Kevin Moore is my favourite DT member, no lie.

          • MoshOff

            Same. Also Sherinian was a better fit than Rudess despite what every neckbeard will tell you.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Hard to say, Sherinian never stayed and I feel like Steroidcci is building around Rudeass.

          • MoshOff

            Sherinian brought his own feel to the table while still being in the same vein as Kevin Moore was, at least tone-wise.

            Rudess is content with wacky iPad effects that make me want to stab things. Do not want.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Yeah, I like Sherinian way better. Just mean that Rudess seems to sit well in with what Johnny wants to do with DT

          • Guacamole Jim

            This. Sherinian is a beast, and Rudess is a goofy fuck.

  • COAL ROLL

    Kinda reminds me of this –

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rzTUT9yIPA

    • not enough taco dildos, bud.
      #neverforget

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      At least Fates Warning is good.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      That’s a sad satan hallway

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Everything about this screams generic early-00’s bullcrap sci-fi-ish.
    I sure as hell hope that’s two lomg songs divided into grind-length movements. DT can not write a good long song. Or a short one, really.

    • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts

      #TooWiddlyDiddly4Grindcore

  • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

    Ahem…there’s no “e” in Emperor Nafaryus’s name Joe. More oversights like this will cost you valuable nerd points and cause the ToH readers to lose faythe in u.

    • Dubs

      I just assumed that was part of the joke.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I think it was.

      • Unintentional. I was drinking when I put this one together. Funny though!

        • Dubs

          Well, you later spelled it “NEFARYIUS”, so I thought you were just escalating.

        • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

          Are you implying you’re not always drunk while writing articles?

          • Guacamole Jim

            True fact: drinking a moderate amount of alcohol improves your creative ability, as well as sharpens your focus.

            Verified by: I drink sometimes and also do creative things.

          • I would love to peer review this. Intoxicated, of course.

          • Painting the walls with your bolivian diarrhea doesn’t count as creative!

          • Guacamole Jim

            It does when it makes pretty pictures!

          • Good luck washing your amebas-infected pupú, boliviano.

          • Guacamole Jim

            .. wash?

          • Dubs

            He doesn’t have TP, remember?

          • I have one roll and a half ok

          • Guacamole Jim

            GAH!

            *pays royalties*

          • CyberneticOrganism

            *shits*

          • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

            You also wrote about Charli XCX and posted a picture of your buttocks.

          • Guacamole Jim

            That’s fucking creativity man. It knows no bounds.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Emperor Superbadguy
      Lord Villaine
      Baron Anta Gonist
      Prince Sneakymischief
      King Uptonogood
      General Gonnado Evilstuff

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I’m dead. I have been slain.

      • Dubs

        Senator Mustachetwirl

        • Guacamole Jim

          Commodore Dyabolikal

          • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

            Count Stabyeded.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            The Morbid Monsignor Maliciousness

          • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts

            Grand Marshall Guacamole.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          President Totaljerkface

          • Guacamole Jim

            Synyster Gates

            Oh shit, forgot what we were lampooning.

          • Dubs

            MATT DAMON

          • CyberneticOrganism

            M Shadows (still works)

          • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts

            Governor David TooRadikvlt.

          • Sir ChangesHisNameTooMuch

          • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts

            #TooFuckingSplendidForJustOneName

      • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts

        Comptroller Herkensploink
        Mayor McMange

      • MoshOff

        Dying at my desk. Thank you.

      • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts
      • huehue, you said Upton

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Heh ( . )( . )

      • Stockhausen

        And the hero, Verigood Guy.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Rick Toyourrescue

  • Plot twist-Dream Theater are releasing a power metal album.

  • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts

    The voice of James Labrie will be done by none other than:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKXbqsPhWJQ

    (which is exactly what he sounds like when he tries to hit ANY kind of high notes)

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    lolkuntz

  • Maik Beninton™

    I don’t see comments on kotaku defending gamergate, though it’s probably because of the moderation system and I don’t dig deep through the comments.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
  • Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo

    How could the band that made images and words think that this is good

    • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts

      How can the band who made I&W think that 90% of their stuff afterwards was any good?

    • Sir Tapir The Based

      Because Images and Words isn’t good either.

  • 100% PURE BLACKBEARD

    While this is despicable, im wondering: is anyone here playing Diablo 3 on PS4? I capped a new char and ported my ps3 vanilla diablo 3 characters over.

  • I’m going to make fun of this until it’s released, then probably end up liking it because I’m a massive weeb

  • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts
  • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts
  • Eliza

    Maybe this is all a trick to make us think they’ll release a video game, but they’ll actually release an mind-blowing concept album.

  • Phoenix of the House Tendies

    Oh Dream Theater. Always finding new ways to be be a bunch of fucking wieners.

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    Mike Portnoy is laughing all the way to his next tour with a 90’s cover band through Pennsylvania.

    • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts

      Lol, look through some of his rants and replies on Blabbermouth (which he claims to ignore in every other interview), and brace yourself for some massive butthurt.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        Train-wreck!

        How about a worst career move thread? (Based upon life after they moved).

        1. Mike Portnoy
        2. Jason Newstead.
        3. Shelly Long (TV Show Cheers, old guy reference).
        4. Jon Stewart?

        • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts

          Craig Kilborn, Dave Lombardo and Ketherine Heigl curiously missing from the list.

          • 100% PURE BLACKBEARD

            Craig kilborn would never have made the daily show as good as jon stewart did

          • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts

            Whatever happened to him? He was some movie long ago and then seemed to fall off the face of the earth.

          • 100% PURE BLACKBEARD

            Death in obscurity

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Yea he was kinda funny too…smarmy funny…snyde,

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            good calls!

        • tertius_decimus

          1. Mike Portnoy
          2. Jason Newsted.
          3. Tarja Turunen.
          4. Axl Rose.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            had to look up Tarja…

        • BobLoblaw

          Completely disagree with John Stewart being on that list. He has a good run and was done with it. Ill miss him but maybe he will be doing some more directing.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Good call, i jumped the gun on this one. Im a big fan…

          • BobLoblaw

            Any aggression in my post was unintentional, post two and a half day shifts require substances that fog intent. I remember the shift from Kilborn, John formed a legendary symbiosis with his show. It was his own. Given the chance, I can easily see Trevor Noah settling into the same role.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            Hey thx. No problemo. I love John, way back to when he had his own little show

    • more beer

      He is soon to be on the casino tour. Where bands go to die.

      • ya but i guess he’s making money. dipping into that FFDP demographic

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          lol “FFDP demo…”

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        or a residence? lol

        • more beer

          Either way. The end result is the same.

      • Abe Vigoda’s Ghost Farts

        That would be state fairs, actually. Priest just got done playing a few casinos on their recent tour (lol, the one venue they played in IN is where Chubby Checker does regular gigs, for fuck’s sake).

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          My god Chubby is still going?

          How about a list of people that lived off one song for over 60 years?

          1. Chubby Checker
          2. Little Richard
          3. Jerry Lee Louis

    • Salvador Dalí Lama

      Boy he guessed wrong when he thought “no way they can replace me, I’m Mike Portnoy!”

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    Dream theatre would probably be better at actually finishing their games than Bethesda

  • Stockhausen

    Papyrus/10, would lol again.

  • Salvador Dalí Lama

    my void those are some generic, cringe-worthy song titles.

  • Óðinn

    Both.

  • Waynecro

    I sure hope this ends up being a smartphone game with lots of microtransactions.

  • tigeraid

    Emporer Nafaryus? NAFARYUS!?

  • DeerBeefjeff

    Wow, this article either predicted the future or made the video game real