Dr. Mailmanbro or: How I Learned to Stop Shopping in Record Stores and Love Agoraphobia

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You work like a dog. You take your pithy remuneration and fling some or all of it at the artists you love. The artists you love send you merchandise in return. The Mailmanbro brings the merchandise to your door. The merchandise brings you a sizable enough modicum of joy to power you through another day or week or month of working like a dog. Such is the cycle of need, which ends only in death. Without Mailmanbro, where would we be? Bothering the shit out of Recordstorebro by placing scads of special orders to obscure distros–that’s where.

You have sent me the hauls. I have gathered the hauls. These are the hauls, presented in the order in which I have presented them. Look upon them and feel the fires of righteous consumerism stoked within you. Look upon them as you gnash and weep and scream CRAP!

We begin with SEÑOR JEFE EL ROSS‘s haul. Convixion playing nice with Wrathblade, Catekeeper and a patch I can’t read because it hurts to tilt my head. This haul is true and it is pure and if you give it any sass it will eject you from the Hall. On second thought, avert your eyes: you are not worthy.


Next up, an utterly impure yet no less true haul hauled by Grumpy the Bear KARHU. Highlights (just the ones I recognize or can read) include Forteresse, the excellent Délétère, Inequity, Antediluvian, and a photo of a dead tree. (See if you can spot the guy who looks like he’ll sniff your barstool the second you vacate it.)


Not to be outhauled by some fuckin Bear God who is his own only devout follower, SWEETTOOTH0 bought everything on Earth–including Discharge, Cobra DeathSatyricon and the only Metallica album that is worth anyone’s money. Do I smell a Horror Film Battle Vest in the making? And did anyone else know they made more than 2 House movies?


The haul of HANS COPRONYM/MOLEMAN/MÜLLER/ËTC is but a speck of dust compared to the others so far–but we shall commend him for his restraint. (We shall also disparage him for neglecting to send dick pics like he promised.) Wormrot, Conan, Night Demon, oh my!! Extra points for a pretentious harmonious photographic composition, what with the lighting of the vinyl from behind. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.


SLIPJACKTHEWANDERER keeps things nice and eclectic with some jaw-droppingly gorgeous vinyl from Mouth of the Architect, Gloson and the most metal synthpop band around: Future Islands. I’d keep my LPs in bed too if I had any.


Moving on, PAGLIACCI scorns Mailmanbro in favor of Festivalmerchtablemanbro with some band called Khemmis, a Panopticon shirt and split with Wheels Within Wheels, and some CD I can’t read but I’ll do my best: WKKELKJESSHTULTNCHT? Watch out for that Panopticon setlist on eBay in the coming months!


We can only assume that LACERTILIAN bought two shirts by the same band because youthful experiments with psychotropic substances have depleted his short term memory. Then again, his deceptively modest haul begs an essential question for the ages: Is it even possible to have enough Sinmara shirts?

He also bought this and asked me not to tell anyone but I’m going to tell all of you anyway because I am a loyal, gracious and discreet friend. BEHOLD THE FALSEHOOD!


Lastly, I present to you my haul: The Complete Works of the Inimitable Kiki Sire. A haul most digital; a haul most unholy. Fuck. I am so goddamn kvlt I don’t even know what to do with myself. Get on my level, punks.


That’s all for this month. Those of you who neglected to send in your hauls in time will never be permitted to participate again (you know who you are). Those of you who would like to join the Mailmanbro circle jerk should join the fuckin Toilet ov Hell Facebook Group and deposit your pictures in the correct fuckin thread in a timely fuckin manner and if possible you should split your haul into as many separate photos as possible because keeping track of them is not time-consuming in the least. Until next time, get out there and buy some shit!

(Image via)

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  • Lacertilian

    Richter you armless bastardman, how much did Randall Thorr pay you to repurpose my Power Metal jab from the FB group and use it against me? Here is my actual copy, courtesy of a mate’s drunk brother leaving it in our old garage/jam room (circa 2003). I’m going to buy a copy now.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2217df03d3d9a999967c36e45c7e48e97ef245c86039126cddc6c778a427fc31.jpg

    • Buy two copies: one for each Sinmara shirt.

      • Lacertilian

        Three then.
        I’ll have them by the year’s end

    • Hans Copronym

      For a second I thought it’s a Laser Disc

  • Dammit, missed this weeks submission. Here it is anyway!
    *note the “Heavy Dooty” label. Pretty fucking stoked! Should be heavy!

    https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/816fh4-VyBL._SL1500_.jpg

    • Joaquin Stick

      “Are your kid’s loads weighing in at like 3 lbs? Boy do we have the product for you!”

      • Never trust a full diaper.

        #dadfacts

        • Hans Copronym

          Extremely Fucking Dad

  • Joaquin Stick

    I don’t know who you are SLIPJACKTHEWANDERER, but I will find you, and when I do, I will promptly give you a high five because I love all three of those things.

    • Slipping, jacking, and wandering?

      ?

      • Joaquin Stick

        OoOoOoOoh. Even more incentive to find him/her/it.

    • slipjackthewanderer

      *high five

  • Howard Dean
  • Bert Banana

    I was a day late submitting my monthly haul. A combo from Mailmanbro and Merchtablebro

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/685dc0cc013e650a422ebfa476916a264196acd6b3944da3e41edcb9960ba580.jpg

    • how’d you score that Gorod album?

      • Bert Banana

        Preorder

        • ah, found it! they made that bastard a tough one to purchase

          • Bert Banana

            If you ordered it before April 1st…you would have got free shipping.

            nonetheless…it’s rad as fuck

    • Hans Copronym

      Rompeprop split? Noice.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    Fuck you Richter

    • Lacertilian

      That’s the spirit!

    • Señor Jefe El Rossover

      That bastard can’t even read properly.

      • more beer

        Here this might help him. http://www.rif.org/

      • KJM, Dr. Disco

        Have you checked out the new DUEL yet?
        (WARNING: I’m gonna pester you until I get an answer. ^_^)

        • Señor Jefe El Rossover

          I shall report back very soon!!

          • KJM, Dr. Disco

            Excellent!

          • Señor Jefe El Rossover

            That was pretty jamming!

          • KJM, Dr. Disco

            Yes, not as good as the debut, but that was always gonna be a tough act to follow.

          • Señor Jefe El Rossover

            I was surprised at the quick turn around. I think they should’ve held off and honed everything before album #2

          • KJM, Dr. Disco

            They appear to be touring more behind this album than the last one. I’m guessing they’ll skip next year as far as albums go.

    • You were warned. REPEATEDLY.

  • Joaquin Stick

    Currently cleaning up water that came out of my mouth due to that barstool comment.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Some lovely stuff folks. Ridiculous horror nerd that I am, I smiled particularly at the House Quartet. Also holy shit that Sarkrista has cool cover art!

    I’m awful at taking photos, but my most recent deliverings from the Mail-Hoo-Man were Beware the Sword You Cannot See (A Forest of Stars), Opus Aethereum (Ethereal), Ceremony of Opposites + Rebellion (Samael) and Diamond Teeth Clenched (Cellular Chaos). Most recent buys in person were Jomsviking (Amon Amarth) and rock n roll consciousness (Thurston Moore).

  • sweetooth0

    Technically I won the Metallica. Original ’84 Japanese pressing. Jeremy from No Sanctuary hooked me up with the huge pile of tapes and stuff, he through a bunch of freebies in there on top of what I actually paid for cuz he’s a stand up kinda guy!

    I guess House 3 was just called “The Horror Show” stateside (even though based on the book that came with that boxset it was actually meant to be a part of the franchise, and then it was really confusing when House 4 came out and everyone in North America wondered what the hell happened to House 3. Then to add even more confusion, they put House 3 and 4 into the Italian “La Casa” franchise (which also includes some of the Evil Dead movies along with some others I think) but House 3 was La Casa 4 and House 4 was La Casa 3. Ugh! Anyway, cool set from Arrow UK, and it is region free despite what the packaging says.

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      Arrow do good work. Horror releasing in the UK will probably always suffer from the Video Recordings Act/BBFC but we do still have some quality distributors.

      • sweetooth0

        Love Arrow, glad they got into the US/Canadian market now too. They really give us collectors what we want in a release. Also, seems like they really do try to get the uncut versions.

        • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

          If memory serves The Horror Show was previously only released slightly trimmed in the States so that’ll be a neat one. I love watching something that’s freshly come out uncut and ticking off the bits that used to be considered unsuitable. Saw D’Amato’s Absurd for the first time the other week, as a film its not that hot but the old school brutal slayings are a joy.

          • sweetooth0

            Love that movie. I have a bootleg uncut version that looks to be assembled from at least a couple different prints, but all the gore and sadism is intact. Also I think it was under the title “Horrible”.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            It’s funny how all these Saws and Hostels and their many many rip offs can ladle on graphic, realistic looking torture, but the scene with George Eastman trying to cook the girl’s head hits harder for me than just about any of them. Not many things beat the sheer joyful drive to push boundaries in the wilder old school Italian trash movies.

    • sweetooth0

      Also, why is it everyone always mispells me name? ha ha ha!

      • To spite you?

        • Hans Copronym

          Ah, the Starbucks barista school of spiting.

  • Howard Dean

    Karhu’s Nokturnal Mortum Goat Horns haul >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Also: “the only Metallica album that is worth anyone’s money”?!

    This opinion is so bad it’s destined to become a meme.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0854b1cb2ff6d78b85580d9dd9be4d38f9669845c700274deff9328119a43f93.jpg

    • Sir Ukkometso The Based

      I know right? No Metallica album is worth anyone’s money. Everyone knows that!

      • i……….have to agree with this little fella here

        • sweetooth0

          First 4 FTW.

          • Wet W’s Whistle

            This is the most correct response yet.

          • KJM, Dr. Disco

            If Hetfield hadn’t broken his wrist skateboarding, I would’ve seen them with Cliff. (angry face)

        • Sir Ukkometso The Based

          Goood Jimmy! Feel the Fünland running through your veins!

      • Howard Dean

        People have been struck dead by the gods for saying less than that.

    • Obvious joke is obvious.

  • INFERNAL HAILS TO THE MASTER OF THE VOID, KIKI SIRE!!!!

    666 lml lml THE SEAL OF BAPHOMET AND THE GOAT OF MENDES IS UPON US!

  • sweetooth0

    One of the best things about that Satyricon vinyl is this mighty poster that came with: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4070315d790d3fdbe16f8289ecc2b5d175e6ffd9a96efef092d2328b732ff507.jpg

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Portrait studio backdrops are krieg

  • Waynecro

    Killer hauls, dudes! Especially that Panopticon swag; the shirt and set list make me very jelly. I haven’t ordered much lately, though I did get a really rare hardbound collection of the first series of Amory Wars comics. And I ordered the Abstract Nihil shirt from Altarage but received the Drevicet shirt instead. I’m not super keen on the shirt, but I like the band too much to gripe (plus the shirt is kind of tight and makes me look extra ripped). I ended up just ordering the Abstract Nihil shirt again.

  • RJA

    I love checking out the hauls – I shall join you guys someday! I just received a couple things I’m pretty pumped about- black cilice 2 disc collection and moon demo collection on vinyl from skjold records which was quite hard to get my hands on.

    • A) What is in the Black Cilice collection?
      B) Join the facebook group.
      C) Don’t join the facebook group–it’s the worst.

      • RJA

        A: it is the old curses plus old oaths vinyl collections on cd – so the first half a dozen demos and splits.
        B: not a chance
        C: maybe I will, I’m torn

        • Where’d you get that and are there any left?

          • RJA

            It was released by altare productions- I figured I wouldn’t order from overseas, but then arcane altar got some copies and I got one from them. I just had zero luck finding any anywhere when I just searched but will keep eyes peeled as usual!

    • RJA
  • KJM, Dr. Disco

    TRIPLE OR NOTHING THAT MEATWAD’S EATEN BY A PACK OF BEES!!

  • Hans Copronym

    Aww, I missed all the fun.

    Backlight seemed appropriate because the green doesn’t really come out otherwise.

    Happy to have snagged one of those leftover Wormrot shirts via Facebook, they only had size S at the gig I went to.

  • KJM, Dr. Disco

    I myself, have only seen the 1st two House movies, very long ago.

  • Pagliacci is Kvlt

    +1 for Kiki Sire.

  • NDG