Doug Moore is the Sexiest Dude in Metal

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We brought you a harem of 32 hot dudes and forced them to pair off in hot, sweaty man-on-man competition. The battle is over and the entire field of sexy guys is exhausted and breathing heavy. All but one man. The sexiest dude in metal: Pyrrhon‘s Doug Moore.

Inspired by Revolver Magazine, who, against all odds and relevance, just published their annual collection of the “25 HOTTEST CHICKS IN HARD ROCK”, we’ve decided to reduce humanity to its basest, most bangable instincts. The TovH writing staff made our selections for 32 of our favorite heavy metal hunks and we’ve placed them all in sweaty head-to-head competition against each other for our own carnal amusement. We’ve decided to include metal guys young and old, in addition to a couple of dearly departed, especially sexy dudes. Which hottie will take home the crown of Sexiest Dude in Metal? It’s up to you, the reader. 

When we last met, the competition was whittled down to just one final matchup. Eternally sexy Peter Steele versus the young, nubile buck Doug Moore. How did it shake out?

It was a close fight, but overall Doug Moore’s sharp wit, keen writing skill, and fine musicianship took the day. Just kidding! It was his handsome face and rippling muscles that earned him the crown. This was about finding the sexiest dude in metal, not the most book readin’ dude in metal.


Some words from our writing staff:

I first saw the face of true male beauty on May 13, 2015, when Sir Edward posted an interview with this fine specimen (that header image…) Here is a guy who looks like he could wake up in the morning, walk out of the house, and turn the head of every male and female without even doctoring himself up one bit. He’s got the guns of a man who chainsaws pesky tree limbs on the block, just to be a kind neighbor. His eyes are kind and gentle, as if to express “I’ll come get you from the airport, no problem!” And don’t get me started on the long hair (just thinking about it making me a little lightheaded). Doug is a man who oozes sexiness without even trying; and its that self-assuredness which places him above and beyond the competition.” –McNulty

“A couple months ago, W and I ventured to Asheville to catch Pyrrhon. I always thought W was into them because he loves purposefully obscure and difficult music, but once I saw the tantalizing heartthrob known as Doug flex those arms, I knew it was never about the music. I awkwardly tried to talk about power metal, but like a shy schoolgirl in my slice of life anime, I could make no headway into catching this dreamboat’s attention. Fortunately, my Doug Moore body pillow allows me to pretend.” –Randall Thor

“When I read Doug Moore’s monthly column, The Black Market, I appreciate the keen insights into heavy music and the creative process. But more importantly, I think about the hands that typed that column, those gentle hands leading to well-defined arms and also of Doug’s soulful, bearded face reflected in the monitor as he expresses his deepest, darkest feelings about the latest release from Piss Vortex. Congratulations on winning the greatest of all honors, you beautiful man.” –Jason Kolkey

–365 Days of Horror

Congratulations to Doug Moore! May your bod stay tight and your title reign supreme.

Want to go back and revisit each matchup? Take a look here:
Round of 32 pt 1
Round of 32 pt 2
Sweet 16
Elite 8
Final Four
Championship

Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!
  • AndySynn

    Oh man, Death Metal Underground are going to be PISSED.

    • Lord of Bork

      Seeing as they’re irrationally butthurt during their every waking moment, I don’t think this will move the needle over at DMU too much.

    • The Mighty Thorange

      Shouldn’t pissing off DMU twice in the space of a couple of months be worthy of pride and be a badge of honour?

    • GoatForest

      Fur, Emptiness, Dis Pear.

  • tigeraid

    This is a travesty.

    EDIT: I mean that Peter lost. Doug seems like a cool guy.

    • Depechemodeisgangsta

      Agree this is FAKE NEWS.

  • I exaggerated in my comment, Doug is extremely approachable and kind!

  • This whole competition was a lot of fun. I look forward to others like it.

    GL

    • Hottest bloggers in metal next?

      • No. Hottest screamo singers in metal. That’ll show those fucking posers who we are, lol

      • I cannot wait to vote for Axl Rosenberg You!

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        So me?

  • Butts4Gutts

    Andy Williams not winning is complete horseshit.

  • Señor Jefe El Rossover

    No he isn’t.

    • Eliza

      I keep refreshing the page hoping this is a bait and switch, but nothing.

    • Sgt. Al Powell

      He did everything he could to save him. If he gave himself up, they’d both be dead right now.

  • Óðinn

    You know, I didn’t really get the point of this contest until Death Metal Underground had a hissy fit about it. Then it became hilarious to me. Thanks for making me laugh, Joe. And thanks to Death Metal Underground for your insecurity.

    • KJM, Anla’Shok

      Makes it all worthwhile no matter who won.

    • Jeff Manteiga

      Pls explain this DMU to me. Are they trolls? Where did they get mad? I ask because of the nasty Chester Bennington post I found on their site just now.

      But yeah, I can’t see anything to get mad about here. It’s just fun.

      • KJM, Anla’Shok

        Buncha insecure manchildren is the short version.

      • Check out this week’s episode of the podcast! It’s all explained.
        http://www.toiletovhell.com/toilet-radio-makes-death-metal-underground-feel-tingly-downstairs/

        • Óðinn
          • The Mighty Thorange

            Jesus motherfucking christ……. First of all, what kind of insecure tantrum throwing manchild celebrates someones death just because they made music they didn’t like? I always detested Linkin Parks music but I would never wish any misfortune on any of them just because they inconvenienced my ears with a crappy song. And the fact the writer is acting all superior to people because he was never raped as a child and to make fun of that is completely disgusting and reprehensible. Or maybe he just has some very repressed memories he needs to confront. Secondly “Linkin Fart”??? How old is this cretin? I mean, that was the name i I called them when I first heard them. And I was about 9 and this fannybaws is still using it?

          • Óðinn

            Agreed. I wasn’t aware of Chester Bennington and his mental health, child abuse issues until recently. I’m also not a fan of Linkin Park. But publishing an article about how you’re basically glad he’s dead, is really more a reflection about the author and publisher than Chester Bennington.

        • Jeff Manteiga

          I enjoyed this.

        • The Mighty Thorange

          That episode was great. And playing that song at the end was epic trolling in it’s purest form. Related to that, I drunkenly stumbled across this majestic group some time ago. I think somebody on the podcast might appreciate the video. Actually, since we are apparently now all suddenly gay according to Mr Cullen “gaydar” Toner himself, we can all appreciate it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmWmSdJbFbs

          • This rules

          • The Mighty Thorange

            At first you think there is no way it would work. But it does and every song they do is like that. Their covers of “Never Gonna Give You Up” and “Africa” are genuinely amazing. And one of their albums is called Death to False Disco Metal!

          • Óðinn

            You rule too, Joe.

        • Óðinn

          Check out all the episodes of the Toilet ov Hell Radio podcast, on the Toilet ov Hell website or on iTunes.

      • The Mighty Thorange

        They would say they are true outlaw metal alphas who guard the sacred doctrines of how to define death metal to the highest calibre by accepting only what they perceive true death metal to be…..
        That’s what they think. Personally I think they are a bunch of racist, basement dwelling, right wing, red pill, insecure virgins who arbitrarily define death metal by the strictest standards imaginable while getting offended by any band that makes different music or shows even a slightly tolerant stance towards LGBT rights and minorities. Basically, a bunch of mouth breathing, knuckle dragging cuntstains.

        • Óðinn

          What he said. ^

        • KJM, Anla’Shok
        • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

          Where is Colon Turner, I mean, Cullen Toner? He is missing all the fun

          • The Mighty Thorange

            He is out crusading and questing (sitting on his chair, wielding his keyboard, using such effective ammunition as the phrases poser, cuck, and snowflake, while never leaving his dwelling) against the enemies of true underground metal . You know, everyone but him and the people who read his blog. He has a lot of websites to leave angry butthurt rants on before he gets here.

        • SomeGuyDude

          I tried to read the website. I never thought anyone could get more idiotically pretentious than Pitchfork, but holy hell was I ever wrong.

          • The Mighty Thorange

            At least Pitchfork are just pretentious. At the end of the day, they are not racist, tantrum throwing manchildren. To the best of my knowledge anyway.

      • KJM, Anla’Shok

        Oh for fucks sake, disrespecting Chester Bennington? Good God. The body’s not even cold yet.

      • Óðinn
        • The Mighty Thorange

          Just read a bit of that. Aside from the arsewipe being an obvious Trump supporter, the part that stands out is the phrase “sodomising the weak”, to hear that coming from somebody who is so homophobic, I don’t think he knows what that word means. I thought it meant gay anal sex. And if you are saying you sodomise people, then it might mean your gay. He is so far in the closet he might have found Narnia.

          • Óðinn

            Apparently, they don’t understand the meaning of many words. A comic misuse of the term “neoliberal” in this article…

            http://www.deathmetal.org/news/iron-bonehead-triggers-witchhunt-by-portland-maoists/

          • The Mighty Thorange

            Holy shitballs. I mean, if you can’t even define the political affiliation of the group you are attacking for its politics then how the hell are you expected to reach an informed opinion about something and be taken seriously by anyone. And of course people are going to protest Argoshit (or whatever the fuck they are called) for being Nazis… because they are fucking Nazis.

      • Depechemodeisgangsta

        I had to google it, since i thought it was “Metal Underground” website.

    • The point of this contest was to get more chicks to read the blog. Somehow it backfired and just got more DMU writers to read it. There’s a moral in here . . . somewhere . . .

      • ¡Jajajaja!

      • Eliza

        The contest at least manged top make one girl reading the blog very happy.

        • Óðinn

          Yay!

        • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

          Don’t forget Mrs Lacertilian’s comments and the rageboners over people who lost (including mine when Bill Steer didn’t make it past the first round)

          Twas a fun time. Would do again/10

      • Óðinn
        • KJM, Anla’Shok

          Maybe it’s because of where I’m from(Boston area), but I never noticed this until recent years because I’ve always had plenty of women friends who were into Metal, not so much these days though I will admit.

          • Depechemodeisgangsta

            Before i had friends who would go to concerts with me, and wherever show we will go, there was always the same girl at the shows, she was a real fan, we even invented the game of trying to see who can find her 1st, needless to say it was very easy to find, since she was probably 1 out of 20 women in the crowd of 300.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe
  • Guacamole Jim
  • Eliza

    How I want to feel about this:
    http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/shrg-1.gif

    How I actually feel about this:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y983TDjoglQ

    Congrats to Doug, though.

  • This was a lot of fun, everyone. Thanks to our contestants for putting up with it and thanks to all the readers for going along with it. In conclusion, Revolver can eat my ass.

    • Guacamole Jim

      I was going to google “eating ass gif” for a witty image-based response and then suddenly clued in to what I was about to do.

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      And so can DMU

      • Them too

        • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

          KILL ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE, THEN WE’LL BE FREE!!!!

          WE WILL BE FREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

  • Decapitron

    Chrileon was robbed and you’re all terrible people.

  • The Mighty Thorange
  • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

    LOVING YOU WAS LIKE LOVING THE DEAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!!!!

    • KJM, Anla’Shok

      My old AOL handle was “BlakNo1”.

    • Eliza

      More like “loving you is literally loving the dead”, right?

  • Maik Beninton™

    I’m jealous of Randall-senpai for meeting this god-like figure in person.

  • sweetooth0

    This was funny, but Peter Steele shoulda won, just sayin.

  • Stockhausen

    That beautiful bastard did it, against all odds. Ol’ Dark Horse Doug, they called him.

  • Simon PhoenixKing Rising

    YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF FUCKING WEINERS FOR PICKING PUCCATIO OVER THE SCULPTURE OF PERFECTION QUORTHON. GODAMNIT I AM STILL ASSHURT.

    But seriously, this was a fun contest. Just shows the soldarity of the Toilet when having a bit of fun like this.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Goddamnit. Pete deserved this.

    • Sgt. Al Powell

      Christ, man. Can’t you see what’s happening? Can’t you read between the lines?

  • KozmoNaut

    I refuse to accept this result. Peter is and will forever be the sexiest dude in metal. Fact.

    • Sgt. Al Powell

      Well, now, how do you know that?

      • KozmoNaut

        My raging man-boner for him, obviously.

        • Sgt. Al Powell

          Ouch. When you get those feelings, insurance companies start to go bankrupt.

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