Don’t Join the Gym Today

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Physical fitness is one of the best investments you can make for yourself. Working towards fitness goals will make you a stronger person, physically and mentally. You’ll feel better and (duh, most importantly) look better. I want you to get out there and work your ass off. Just not today.

The expectations we place on January 1st are absurd. Every year we make plans to quit smoking, lose weight, go back to school, get a better job, find a better relationship, get out of debt, and otherwise make our mark on a cold and unforgiving planet. And for the most part we really don’t mean a fucking word of it.

Year after year we set ourselves up for disappointment. Sometimes our resolutions are unrealistic (I will figure out my life) or vague (I will be a better person) and we immediately doom ourselves to failure. Sometimes we simply don’t make a reasonable plan for success.

When we throw out the old calendar and begin a new year it feels like we get a chance to start over. We can learn from all of the mistakes of the past and become brand new and better people, literally overnight. This year there will be no more shitfaced Tuesdays. No longer will we eat lean cuisine and cigarettes every night. This is the year we turn it all around. This year we will finally be happy goddammit.

We crave redemption. We need forgiveness. We are compelled to make big, sweeping changes in order to feel cleansed. And there are tons of people out there that will gladly take your money for the opportunity to make you temporarily whole. This isn’t a new phenomenon. Going way, way, way back to the middle ages, the Catholic church literally sold forgiveness in the form of Indulgences (what up, Martin Luther!).

“Sup brah. Indulgences are wack af, you feel?”

For the last several years, the most common New Year’s resolution for Americans is to lose weight. I don’t wish to offer any moral judgement on whether or not a person is overweight. Everyone is different and that’s rad. But given that 69% of American adults are classified as overweight, it shouldn’t be any surprise that there are scores companies working hard to sell you things you don’t need so that you might feel ephemeral absolution. The health and fitness industry is rife with bullshit “miracle cures” and “shocking secrets” for weight loss.

Are you familiar with the Master Cleanse? It is a massively popular crash “diet” that exists in a special place between extreme weight loss fads and our innate need for redemption (it’s called the MASTER CLEANSE for Pete’s sake). Here’s what the diet consists of via this stupid, stupid website:

The Master Cleanse is such a simple program to teach in 100 words or less: First, squeeze Fresh Lemon Juice. Then add Rich Maple Syrup, and Cayenne Pepper into Pure Water. Drink a minimum of six to 12 glasses throughout the day whenever one is hungry. Take a laxative before bed. Instead of the morning laxative, you can do the Salt Water Flush.

These dinguses actually recommend you consume nothing but water, laxatives, and pepper for two weeks. Credit due here: you WILL lose weight if you do that (in addition to muscle mass) but you’ll gain every pound back as soon as you stop. That is absurd, do not do that. Our bodies work CONSTANTLY to cleanse themselves and they need things like protein and vitamin-rich vegetables to do their jobs, not a sudden halt to the fuel that keeps it running.

Do you want to know the one shocking secret for losing weight? It is actually pretty simple: Consume fewer calories than your body needs to maintain your current state. The best way to do this is to increase the rate at which you use calories (i.e. exercise) and count the calories you consume. It’s annoying but it works. The Jenny Craig system is successful because it employs this exact principle of caloric restriction (you can and should do this on your own without buying her overpriced packaged meals, though). You can use all kinds of tools to see how many calories are in the foods you eat. Here’s one. From there, you can use a calculator to get a general idea of how many calories you need per day with your weight and level of exercise.

So what about exercise? Let’s get really real here: If you buy a gym membership today, the massive overwhelming odds say that you will stop going in a few weeks and continue to pay for a service you don’t use through the rest of the year. Gyms rely on well-intentioned folks to start the new year with high hopes by giving them a credit card and promptly fucking right off forever. So what’s the solution for working exercise into your lifestyle? It kinda depends on your goals and physical shape. Jogging or yoga could work for you. I am, shockingly, not a doctor but I strongly recommend weight training. Oh look! There’s a really great guide right here. Regardless, try things out and don’t get suckered into a long contract before you’re sure you can commit.

Calorie reduction sucks. Burning calories through exercise sucks. Hunger sucks. There are many reasons why our fitness goals often go unmet. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to dissuade you from betterment; I want you to succeed at every goal you give yourself. Instead of marching blindly towards a vague goal, we should set ourselves up for success by learning out the problem and setting concrete goals.

Rather than spending the day beating yourself up about how you should completely change your life, I’d like to offer an alternative to our annual parade of guilt-based resolutions. This year, simply resolve to explore a subject you’re curious about. Maybe resolve to listen to more music from unfamiliar genres, or learn an instrument, or read a book about beer. After all, life is about balance. Mostly.

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  • KJM

    Quitting Diet Mountain Dew and getting better at guitar are my 2. I enjoy guitar so that’s a realistic goal. The soda thing will be a bit tougher but I’ve done it before. All I have to do this time is ignore the voice that says “Oh, just one won’t hurt”.

    • Vernon Gholston’s NFL Career

      My resolutions are to get healthy and find a job. The first one is going to be hard because I love my fast food.

      • KJM

        If you’re concerned about long term employment, look into the possibility of attending some kind of trade school, and not like the scam ones you see on TV.

        • BLVKKBEVRDED DRVGON

          You wanna know my trick to having constant employment? Be willing to do things others wont.

          • VVorld Peace

            This is good advice.

          • KJM

            As boring as it sounds, the world will always need electricians and plumbers.

          • Vernon Gholston’s NFL Career

            I’m not good with my hands but I’ve thought of becoming a plumber after seeing how much they get paid.

          • VVorld Peace

            Those skills can be taught.

          • Vernon Gholston’s NFL Career

            I would love to do a trade because it seems like a better idea to do something in demand and have employment than have a degree and be unable to find a job.

          • BLVKKBEVRDED DRVGON

            Plumbers really dont make that much money, believe me.

          • Vernon Gholston’s NFL Career

            My family hired one and he made 300 dollars for less than an hour of work.

          • BLVKKBEVRDED DRVGON

            yeah, if you’re working for yourself you can make great money. doesn’t matter what kind of job, at that point.

        • VVorld Peace

          That’s really good advice. Not everyone can or should go to college.

          • KJM

            I’ve been told that by several friends who are/were college professors.

          • BLVKKBEVRDED DRVGON

            I regret the money/time spent going to college, not the fun/friends i had/made. If i could do over my late teens/early twenties, I never would have gone to college.

    • I’ve been quitting smoking for like 7 years now. “Just one won’t hurt” is the biggest lie.

      • KJM

        I quit tobacco 17 years ago on my first try without a relapse, but I’ve tried and failed several times to quit Diet Mountain Dew.

      • Scrimm

        That was me, even after not having one for a while. Now it’s been almost 2 and a half years since I had one.

    • I have pretty much accepted that I won’t ever quit mtn dew, but it’s ok because aside from that I eat disgustingly healthy.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Embrace death, destroy life.

  • Nordling Rites Ov Leõnhart

    Glad I am that I have never made such NYresolutions and have kept all the three I have made.

  • Guacamole Jim

    Referencing Martin Luther? Epic!! I think I’m going to lay low as far as the gym goes while I wait for everyone to burn themselves out and stop going. It’s going to be a shit show in there, and my gym is tiny so I don’t feel like waiting for an hour for a bench press.

    • VVorld Peace

      My wife makes me run most days during the week, and we just go around our neighborhood. Surprise surprise, that, combined with the fact that we rarely eat fast food, keeps this former president slim and trim.

      • Edward #negrodMMXV

        I recently started doing yoga – before 2015 it wasn’t a NY resolution or anything.

        • VVorld Peace

          Yoga is good, dude. I used to do it. I need to start back up because it really helped limber me up.

          • Edward #negrodMMXV

            One of the reasons I wanted to start and one of the things I like is it seems to be helping with my back.

        • you just want to strut around in those yummy pants…

  • tertius_decimus

    Ride the bicycle. Good cardio training, you lose weight rapidly, your legs become stronger and it’s fun!

    It’s -10°C outside and I don’t give a shit. Tomorrow I’ll jump on the saddle for interval training.

    • KJM

      I lost 30 lbs one Summer just by regular walking, didn’t change my eating habits at all.

      • tertius_decimus

        I have never had any problems with excess weight but some folks told they wouldn’t do this because they scared of how hideous they will look on a bicycle. Pretty stupid excuse. Fun provided by two wheels overwhelms their fear very quickly.

        • KJM

          I’m a hypothyroid and it went untreated for a very long time.

          I don’t ride as much as I used to but I still have my Specialized Hard Rock and it’s in great shape and ready to go come Spring.

          • tertius_decimus

            My ride. Waiting for the moment to slap Campagnolo components on it.

            http://s1.sendimage.me/ofr8DhAF.jpeg

            http://s1.sendimage.me/NDNM7hAD.jpeg

          • KJM

            Nice, “built for speed” to say the least.

            This is what I have except I switched out the knobby tires for smooth ones.

          • tertius_decimus

            Do you often ride off road? Very common practice to use slick tires on MTB or hybrid.

          • KJM

            No, that’s why I changed my tires to slick ones. The main reason I went with the MTB is because the bike was in the overstock sale section otherwise I would’ve gone with a hybrid. I used to have a really nice Mongoose Crossway that I had to sell.

          • Scrimm

            We used to run mountain bike trails in the Army. I miss that.

          • tertius_decimus

            Which type of trail? Running downhill is tough if not outright dangerous for legs.

          • Scrimm

            Just the off road trails I meant. The rough terrain was a big part of the attraction. It was risking pissoble injury, but young military guys usually don’t think about that much.

          • VVorld Peace

            I ran the longer races in track back in high school in Colorado. As training, we used to run hills pretty frequently.

          • Scrimm

            We did some of that in cross country too. When I got into the mountain biking trails I was training for special forces selection so I was usually doing it with a pack on. Great workout, not so great when you lost your balance on the trails. Hilarious though.

          • KJM

            The Minuteman Trail starts near my house, just over 11 miles worth of paved bicycle/walking road. The only drawback is during the Summer there’s lots of bugs unless they spray for West Nile.

          • KJM

            In honor of your service, this next toke’s for you!

          • Scrimm

            Thanks dude! I’ll join you and take one too.

    • HessianHunter

      No weather has stopped me from riding my bike yet. Winter can fuck off, I have places to go.

      • Akercocke ov Steele

        a week ago I went out when a giant freezing monsoon came in. Twas fun. The only reason I can’t ride my bike everywhere here is that there’s so much damn traffic that even going ten miles would be a daylong journey and I usually need a vehicle to carry things.

    • http://youtu.be/xt0V0_1MS0Q NSFW Cuz of the fat bottom girls in the video.

      • tertius_decimus

        Oh, here’s that famous video.

    • Simon PhoenixKing

      This is the best idea. Bike riding is always fun and you’ll get in shape quite fast doing it.

      Be wary though. The one thing that sucks about the NYC is that out cyclists are king assholes only matched by our taxi drivers. And since at least a quarter of Noo Yawkers bike, that makes for a LOT of assholes.

      • tertius_decimus

        In New York there’s huge messenger competition, so that’s not surprising. I’ve worked as a messenger as well but never did what these idiots do in the video below.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0npCFw9TEnA

        BTW, I don’t like riding in the city area. Remote empty roads rule!

    • I started interval training while running this week. IT SUCKS.

      • tertius_decimus

        I’m not into running, so can’t argue what are the advantages or disadvantages.

  • WHOOPS

    Never made a single ny resolution and never will do. I know that I’ll fail.

    • BLVKKBEVRDED DRVGON

      I know that you’ll fail, too.

      • WHOOPS

        Go away, dick-lick

        • BLVKKBEVRDED DRVGON

          🙁

    • Vernon Gholston’s NFL Career

      How do you know if you’ll fail if you never make a resolution?

      • WHOOPS

        Because I’ve lived many years with myself and know myself quite well.

        • Vernon Gholston’s NFL Career

          That’s a good reason.

  • HessianHunter

    Here’s another reason to not join a gym for the next two weeks; for the first half of January, every gym in the country is filled scalp-to-sphincter with assholes who resolved to get in shape but have no idea what to do in a gym. It’s a madhouse that inevitably dies down within a couple weeks as people remember that they’re lazy and exercise is hard, but that fortnight is an irritating microhell for people who work in gyms so DON’T BE LIKE THAT

    • good call pumpkin baby. also, that influx of gym jerks is going to scare away somebody who might be intimidated by gyms in the first place.

  • Fapping and krokodil are also great for losing weight! Fapping for building muscle, and krokodil for losing all that flab and excess flesh (aka pounds).

    http://rs1img.memecdn.com/the-fap-arm_fb_638918.jpg

    (Quite possibly NSFW, and yeah, pretty fucking graphic):

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HLYnl7vEoY

    • Vernon Gholston’s NFL Career

      I’ve seen enough internet today. I’ll be back tomorrow. Fuck Krokodil.

  • Vernon Gholston’s NFL Career

    Damnit, I was going to join Crunch Fitness at some point this month! They have the same prices as Planet Fitness but are a much better gym!

    • BLVKKBEVRDED DRVGON

      Luckily, my old lady’s job means our gym memberships are only $9/mo. In all honesty though, it doesn’t matter which gym you go to. Just that you go to it.

      • Vernon Gholston’s NFL Career

        Crunch is only $10/mo near me. They have their version of a PF Gold card for 20 dollars but the only thing it’s good for is the guest privileges and the free group classes.

        • Lacertilian

          I just bought my own home mini-gym for AU$350 online.
          I figure if the gym is going to cost $200 p/a plus petrol & driving time, I’m going to save a heap and probably do more work because it’s in my garage not 10kms away.
          Plus, I can jam metal & not have to deal with other humans.

          • The home gym is my dream. Unfortunately, my reality is a crappy apartment.

    • The idea is to be realistic about what you can accomplish. Don’t just join thinking you’ll immediately develop good habits. You have to really work at it.

      But yes, FUCK planet fitness.

      • Vernon Gholston’s NFL Career

        Crunch is a much better gym and they have the same prices. They’re also new to my area. I used to exercise a lot but that just abruptly stopped at some point last year.

  • Yes don’t join the damn gym and start stealing my machines!

  • A small part of this post was written with bad intentions: I really want to keep the squat rack free of bench pressers (WHY. EVERY goddamn year).

    • Vernon Gholston’s NFL Career

      I was going to join Crunch Fitness today but this article made me think twice. I might still do it though.

      • KJM

        Think about what your fitness goals are before you do join. Chances are you might not even need a gym to accomplish them.

        • Vernon Gholston’s NFL Career

          I’d like to gain some muscle and lose some weight. I’m going for really easy goals at first and working my way up to harder goals. I’ll probably join a gym though.

          • If you’re going to do that you will need a plan to follow through. Starting Strength is the hands down best starting point.

          • BLVKKBEVRDED DRVGON

            #STAYSTRENGTH

          • tertius_decimus

            Start working out with kettlebells.

          • KJM

            I only care about losing excess fat. I already have football player legs from years of walking and cycling.

    • BLVKKBEVRDED DRVGON

      I dont understand this either. Its the most glaring out of all the manner infractions at the gym. People not putting their plates back up really gets me. Or not wiping down their benches/seats

      • People who don’t wipe after themselves after leaving a bench = fucking ew.
        I don’t want some random guys butt sweat on my butt.

        • BLVKKBEVRDED DRVGON
          • VVorld Peace

            It’s a good thing I picked up this Booty Sweat.

        • Vernon Gholston’s NFL Career

          Any friend of Conan is a friend of mine so welcome to the Toilet.

          • Thanks! With “that other site” becoming more flushable by the week, I think I’ll be spending a bit more time here. Way better community too.

          • Vernon Gholston’s NFL Career

            That’s good. I’m happy with him because he sent me some Asia albums. He knows how much I love them and that is awesome.

          • BLVKKBEVRDED DRVGON

            We really are the #trillest. Also, purveyors of much better metal/non-metal here.

          • KJM

            (((HELLO!!)))

          • Gurrp

            What finally did it for you?

          • The whole Scott Stapp saga was really off-putting, and I think a lot of the material skews towards that kind of shit-posting now. I’m also getting too old to laugh at columns about how some teen nu-metal bands from nowheresville suck. I can’t understand how grown men can still think it’s funny to laugh at random kids for no reason. It’s kinda awkward really.

            The tone of most (poorly spelled) articles is usually negative, but not negative in a biting, satirical way. Just mean spirited, over-reacting nonsense. The only thing worse than the whiny writing is the wordless buzzfeed style posts.

            I guess I’m complaining a lot considering that I still read and comment there but eh. I just don’t feel as enamored with it all the way I did when I was still in high school and ate that shit up. I’d rather just discover and discuss good music without all the tmz gossip. Also, you guys are just way cooler.

          • Gurrp

            Thank ya kindly!
            And yeah, I kinda get what you mean. It was kinda funny at first, and there are a couple great posts every now and then, but I don’t feel like spending too much time there anymore.

        • KJM

          Eewww.. 😛

    • nbm02ss
  • The most effective part of a cleanse is that there’s really no time to eat during your quest to tell everyone in the entire fucking world that you’re on a cleanse.

    • Leif Bearikson

      It really bugs the shit out of me when people say they have to get rid of “toxins.” YOU DON’T HAVE TOXINS IN YOUR BODY, ASSHOLE. JUST SHITTY FOOD.

      • VVorld Peace

        Don’t forget to align your energy with this magnetic bracelet.

        • Gurrp

          These crystals help channel it

        • Stockhausen

          Woven copper or GTFO.

  • Sadistikexekution

    I’ll exercise using my right hand.

  • My New Years Resolution: Listen to even more metal, write more article thingies.

    • Gurrp

      Unrealistic.

  • B00mhauer

    Instead of reading a book about beer, I resolve to continue my 5-year streak of consuming the living shit out of it. FEAR ME, GIANT EAGLE CRAFT BEER SECTION. Maybe i’ll read some Bukowski while doing it. How appropriate.

  • Vernon Gholston’s NFL Career

    On the subject of non guilt based resolutions I am going to go to more concerts because I didn’t go to that many last year. I will also do more fun things with friends this year.

  • My new year’s resolution: To ascend to a state that is beyond perfection as I’m already fucking awesome.
    For real though, I’d like to lose weight. Unfortunately, half of my year is going to be spent moving to a new place, getting a job, and getting into a full college. Amidst all that, I might lose some weight from the superb amount of stress and work that I’ll be doing.

    • KJM

      Just don’t eat crap food to relieve your stress and you’ll do fine.

      • VVorld Peace

        Or dorm food for that matter. It’s almost impossible to eat healthy in dorms.

        • Thankfully, I’ve got a friend who’s going with me and we’re going to split the cost of an apartment. Living in my car would be preferable to a dorm for me.

          • BLVKKBEVRDED DRVGON

            I had a LOT of fun living in the dorms. Met a lot of cool people, learned a lot about myself, and did A LOT of drugs.

          • My tolerance for people in real life is very low. I enjoy talking to people online because it is easier for me to talk but in real life, if someone can’t communicate intelligently, I can’t stand them. #SocialButterfly

          • Vernon Gholston’s NFL Career

            I love talking to people online and in person. I’m a social person.

          • KJM

            That’s good.

          • BLVKKBEVRDED DRVGON

            I had this same problem when i was in my late teens (before college). I’d say that college easily helped alleviate that a bit for me. I still dont like big groups of people but when it comes to meeting/interacting with strangers (a part of all my jobs since college), I’d have to say it played a great role in fostering that ability.

          • For me, even community college has helped my social awkwardness a great deal. I no longer am filled with apprehension every time I need to talk to someone.

          • KJM

            Hang out at the dorms, live off campus.

          • KJM

            Excellent.

        • Vernon Gholston’s NFL Career

          That’s true. When I was in college I subsided off of Andy Capp’s fries, Shaq’s soda from Arizona and Pringles.

        • Scrimm

          Same with ary food. Green eggs and ham for real.

      • Thankfully, through the bad habits I’ve had through the years, I keep to a very good diet (lots of water, lots of fiber and I usually keep to eating a few small meals a day), and I cook my own stuff 90% of the time (worked as a head chef, so I just love fucking doing it anyway, preferably with nothing under my apron). Sodas are VERY rare, unless I want an ice cream float, which is about 3 times a year tops. Candy and deserts are pretty rare, and have been since I was a kid. Even then and same thing now, I love veggies and a little bit of whatever meat on the side. I came up with my all time favorite recipe that still stands, at 6 years old: Cauliflower, ranch dressing, crumbled croutons (not bread crumbs, thanks) and black pepper, sometimes with some cheddar, spinach artichoke dip and/or sunflower seeds mixed in.

        Oh, and the fact it’s almost a mile to the bus stop, and almost 2 miles to the grocery store helps (and I almost always end up carrying at least 3 bags home). I’m NOT in a hick town, but my place is tucked at the ass end of a residential area.

        • VVorld Peace

          I enjoy cooking.

        • KJM

          I love Bran Flakes so there’s no problem in that department. I also cook the majority of my own meals for budget and diet reasons. I also have to cook for my disabled mom most of the time anyway so I might as well do it for myself.

  • Simon PhoenixKing

    My NY resolution: to learn how to fire a crossbow. All the lethality of a firearm, but with none of the noise. Suckas won’t know what hit them when they get a bolt in their throat and choke on their own blood.

    But seriously, I intend to finally learn to play guitar. Been putting it off for years and I’m sick of procrastinating on it.

    • Scrimm

      It’s well worth the time to learn man. You have a wealth of musicians around here to use as tools too.

      • FeelTheDarkness

        I read that as “you have a wealth of musicians around here that are tools”
        Hahahahaha

        • KJM

          Yep, that’s us!!

          • FeelTheDarkness

            I also fit in the tool box

        • If anyone needs to use my tool, I’m renting it out on the weekends for discounted, post holiday rates!

    • Gurrp

      Making your favorite riff come from your own hands >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

      • KJM

        This time last year I couldn’t play a note, now I can play some of my favorite songs, albeit a bit sloppy but I’m happy with it.

        • Gurrp

          I actually haven’t played in like a year, year and a half. The desire left me.

          • KJM

            Sorry to hear that. Maybe it will come back.

      • Miguel Serra

        best.feeling.ever

      • My new resolution is to make my hands cum.

    • KJM

      DO EEET

  • FeelTheDarkness

    Smoke more weed

    • BLVKKBEVRDED DRVGON

      100% backed.

    • KJM

      I’m KJM and I approve this message.

    • Lacertilian

      Should resolve to eat and/or vape weed.
      Then you’ll have more weed and money (except for initial cost of vapouriser).

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    check out the 4 vids together—it was on the last post–but got posted wrong

    a revolution in art—-worldwide freedom===
    bringing the earth—towards the new awakening
    unity—and shining brilliance


    (top 3 vids muted—journey vid 100% vol–all at once
    better than religion

    http://youtu.be/ilE3ZNmTpcU

    http://youtu.be/UgiWVsrDWJ0

    http://youtu.be/CgeYMK8TPRI

    http://youtu.be/OMD8hBsA-RI

  • Mother Shabubu III

    “Eat, Run, Stay Fit, and Die Anyway”

    • Haha.

      …but srs: it’s really about the quality of our short-assed lives that is the realistic focus 🙂

      • Yep. Most of my family is obese and addled with preventable disease. They look miserable. Ain’t about that shit.

        • KJM

          Diabetes: That’s the main reason I try to watch out for myself. I have no desire to deal with that crap at all.

  • JWG

    There’s nothing wrong with vague resolutions.

    I hereby resolve to do exactly what I did last year, but with greater or lesser intensity depending on which is more socially acceptable (e.g. the opposite, preferably).

  • Akercocke ov Steele

    This is a good season for Crossfit gyms.

    • BLVKKBEVRDED DRVGON

      Crossfit = Scrugs

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Chief among my resolutions is to read more. Sweep my bookshelves, mix up classics and pulp, really get back into the literary world like I haven’t done for a while. Presently on a rather fun Dostoevsky, but all sorts lined up.

    Metal wise I plan to try and keep up with the year’s releases, but mostly just have a good time. Just listen to lots of stuff that I enjoy and not try to force myself to “get” stuff. Be eclectic but relaxed.

    Film wise I aim to get back into serious cinema. More Bergman, more Antonioni etc. But also not to force myself. Sometimes Rohmer films are a joy, sometimes a chore. Both valid reactions. This year I’m going to own my reactions to art instead of trying to get everything I’m “supposed” to.

    Also I will be taking over the world. For the lulz.

  • Great post Joe. I’m doing exactly what you said and attacking the source of my failures: a combination of laziness and apathy. If I can beat them, I can do anything.

  • May I introduce the new coal rolling anthem of 2015?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cN-OxgIF6s&list=PL3BC536900F7C8493&index=13

  • Stockhausen

    I like the way you brain does brain things, Joe.

  • Nina Osegueda

    My name is Nina, and I disagree with everything in this post. Go on a diet, you fat fucks, and work out. (I say this more to myself than anyone else.)

    • EVERYTHING in the post?

      • Nina Osegueda

        Well.. most everything.

  • Virgil the Ghost Poet

    I lift at home, go to gym to swim.

  • Bucket ‘o Blood

    Lol excercise

  • J.R.

    I occasionally join my good bro’s to the university gym whenever I have some time. of course all my mad gains have been erased thanks to christmas consumptions.

    Also, I am apparently seeing Tay Tay in concert May 22. Hilariously, my favorite band Kamelot will be an hour away from Taylor the day before, and then an hour away from my house the day of, and seeing as my whole family are kvnting lifelovers, I guess my metal ascension is not to be realized. (Good thing I saw them last year but still..)

    So if any of you nerds want T-Swizzle merch put your orders in now. I plan on seducing her and having her write songs about me when I leave her to return to my current girl. juicy. #swag

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    Great post!

  • great post Papa Joe! i love how angry you get sometimes (though you always seem like a nice bruh). i get angry about a lot of things too, but there’s always some stupid voice in my head that says “don’t get mad Jimmy, it’ll be okay” so it’s fun to read posts like these!

  • Stockhausen

    FIRST

  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    I eat copious amounts of crappy food, but I lift weights and drag my fat ass onto the elliptical every day. I’d rather be fat and muscular than fat and dead at the end of the day.

  • xengineofdeathx

    I feel so warm inside that joe wants me to succeed in my goals! Nice article man. I would also recommend training martial arts if you want your fat rolls to be a thing of the past. Especially grappling. At the very least your going to have ass fuck tons of fun.