Dictated – This Is To All: A Video Breakdown

Share:

Prepare thyselves for the chuggity chugs.

Metal Blade Records have managed to consistently put out good records during their career. They’ve stayed pretty true to metal, unlike *ahem* certain other labels. Sure they’re not all hits, but their roster is still pretty impressive. That’s why it’s always interesting to see when the label signs an unknown. When you have bands like Amon Amarth, Behemoth, King Diamond, Cannibal Corpse, and Bolt Thrower, you’re not going to just sign any old band. After all, Metal Blade is the former home of the Goo Goo Dolls. I’ve never heard of Dictated before. They must be great, right? RIGHT?! Let’s take a look at Dictated’s video for “This Is To All”.

0:06: They need to work on their power stances.
0:10: Lead Singer: 2006 Man
0:19: His “Blow Chunks” face is on point.
0:21: Oh, come on! That wasn’t even close to being synched.
0:26: Two more piercings and the fifth is free at Piercing Pagoda in the mall.
0:30: I know I shouldn’t talk about looks, but that bald chick is really fugly.
0:35: You looked at the circle! That’s two punches!
0:45: Can we take a step back? I can practically smell the onions he ate for lunch.
0:50: So we’ve got two bald dudes and two brunette ladies in the band. Someone is the odd bro out.
0:58: Does he not know the words to the song?
1:07: Is he not really the singer? Did they just pull someone off the street?
1:15: Maybe he just owns the shed they’re shooting in.
1:22: “Ok, guys we have to be done by 3 so my dad can finish my soapbox racer.”
1:25: Unexpected butt shot!
1:31: I guess they didn’t have enough in the bounce budget to actually bounce.
1:41: The sway in place budget was plentiful, though.
1:46: This is a love song, right?
1:50: There’s the bounce we were looking for. More like Bouncetated, amirite?
2:02: Metal Blade: Now with chuggity chugs.
2:10: Is he getting winded in the video? Why the hell can’t he keep the mic in front of his mouth?
2:14: A puppy sneezing is more violent than that punch.
2:26: Steady-cams are not brutal enough for Dictated.
2:30: Who wants to start a band called “Cocktated”?
2:35: No one? Okay, fine. Jerks.
2:45: Unexpected butt shot!
2:51: There’s a surprising lack of terrible sleeve and throat tattoos in this band. Good for them.
2:57: I don’t think it’s a stretch to assume that the band has been glued to the floor this entire time.
3:01: That might explain the weak punches. It’s all in the legs.

So there’s Dictated. Have your dicks been officially tated? Looking at the Up vote-versus-Down vote ratio on the video, it sounds like there have been a good amount of dicks insufficiently tated. Please consult a doctor if the tating lasts more than four hours.

Dictated’s album “The Deceived” is out now via Metal Blade Records.

  • Herr Schmitty

    FIRSTLY

  • The singer looks like this one dildo that was standing in front of me for Whitecrapel (opening for Gwar a while back.) I wanted to punch that guy in the back of the head. He kept turning to his girl and mouthing the lyrics to their songs right in her ear while making all these dumb hand gestures. She looked like she was about to go home with someone else.

    • Not Keyser Söze

      I’d have disliked that very much

      • Edward/Breegrodamus

        I like your username.

        • Tyree

          The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            Classic fucking movie. My older brother tried to tell me he figured it out and I was like nope, you didn’t.

          • That sample is on the Panzer AG album “This is My Battlefield” too.

          • Tyree

            It’s used as the intro to this song too.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3WI-GUt2lk

          • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

            One of the hardest breakdowns ever.

          • Tyree

            Yeah, shit is punishing.

          • Fuck, I need to listen to Suffocation’s full discography. I liked their first but haven’t had the time to survey their other stuff. I resonate heavily with despising the sun. #FuckingSensitiveBlueEyes

          • KimJongUn’s Crunchy Chest Hair

            ‘Pierced From Within’ was the first death metal CD I got into, after borrowing from a friend back in ’95.

          • The Beargod

            What’s there to figure even, bro
            *shrugs*

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            No one ever will.

          • I suppose I was luckier than most in that I didn’t even know there was a twist in it.

    • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

      I liked the last Whitechapel album.

    • I know the exact kind of dude you’re talking about. He probably makes edgy comments extremely loudly in public places too.

    • KimJongUn’s Crunchy Chest Hair
  • Tyree
    • Aldo Nova rules. Ask me how many different pressings of his first two albums I have…

      • Tyree

        How many?

        • Five of the self-titled (from which this track was taken.) Two mint North Americans mastered by Bob Ludwig. Two Japanese pressings both mint one unplayed. One Dutch pressing.

          I have two copies of Subject…Aldo Nova; one still sealed with the original hype sticker from ’83. And I have one copy of Twitch (Dutch pressing.) Thanks for asking.

          • Tyree

            Damn! Well done.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            That’s a lot of Aldo Nova.

          • “Aldo Nova” is like a weekly eBay search for me.

            …and W.A.S.P.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            You know how much I love the second band. Never listneed to much Aldo Nova though.

          • Listen to much Aldo Nova though.

  • Metaphysical Anus

    This is a bad song.
    #FactOfTheDay

  • The Beargod

    I’d rather have my dick stapled than tated, amirite?! Guys… guys?

  • Shrimp ov Bad Opinions

    I guess the guitar tone is passable, if anything… ?

    • CyberneticOrganism

      It’s actually not as bad as it looks. Huh.

  • Tyree

    Has anyone seen this whole movie? Some real shit happening in this bitch.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6ROh4msJnM

    • sure have! saw it in high school, <3 todd solondz

      • Tyree

        I’m going to have to watch this. I’ve read that it’s fucking insane.

        • Watch it. Feel horrible about yourself. Contemplate becoming an overweight pervert. Rinse, repeat as needed.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            I don’t feel too bad about myself anymore.

          • You’re doing it wrong.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            I know. How does it feel to know the tables have turned? Lifelovers unite! Also, I love Kraftwerk as your name says.

  • I don’t like to talk bad stuff at bands and music, I mean, they made an effort and all of that. But…

    http://media0.giphy.com/media/CMvLdjfjQnQAg/giphy.gif

    I pass…

  • CT-12
    • Scrimm

      Good news, at least for the situation.

  • Mother Shabubu III

    Unrelated yet related: I am a sucker for when girls wear those tight shiny type of pants/fabrics. I don’t know why, but I just think it’s hot. Sorry for being a cispig.

    • Metaphysical Anus

      • Mother Shabubu III

        I feel like there should be a part two to this: In the real world, nobody knows there’s like two guys you’d actually fuck. lol

  • BLOODBEARDE

    Dis whiffs purty bad

  • KimJongUn’s Crunchy Chest Hair

    A chuggy chug bro-metal band with chicks around (at least ones without restraining orders against them)?!?! The rules of the universe have shifted and the fabric of reality has just been torn asunder! It’s like I woke up in an episode of Fringe.