Darkology – Fated To Burn: A Video Breakdown

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Burn baby burn.

Darkology are a power metal band featuring former members of Firewind, Solstice, and about 20 other power/prog metal bands. I assume that they all have their PhDs in the study of darkness. Why else would they be called Darkology? I suppose one of them could just have a Master of Arts in a related field like Gloomography or Inkyology. Maybe he just needs a few years working in the field to find out if Darkology is really what he wants to do for a career. Perhaps the band’s new video for the title track of the latest album will provide some answers.

0:06: Not to be confused with Lite-Brite.
0:14: Great, now the s’mores are ruined.
0:18: I guess now we’ll just have to eat chocolate and graham crackers like animals.
0:23: You’ll burn your eye out, kid.
0:25: These cards show me that Darkology is in great danger of being dorks.
0:35: It’s nice of Dream Theater to lend the band their green screen technology.
0:38: Affliction shirts and metal never work out well.
0:42: I can’t tell if he’s in space or if someone just sneezed on the camera.
0:45: The signal is weak, but the nerd output is still coming in crystal clear.
0:53: I guess they know that their audience isn’t young enough to not know what a Polaroid looks like.
0:59: Candles provided by the New Age store from the nearby strip mall.
1:04: Ah, yes. That’s Lolbuttzia, the Blackened Goat With A Million Lolbuttz.
1:09: It was really convenient to have a nail salon right next to that New Age store.
1:16: The photos represent pictures.
1:19: Death? We don’t want any.
1:26: Somewhere, Neil deGrasse Tyson is shaking his head.
1:34: Random Blue Line is the new lens flare.
1:40: Film-like graphics? Now we’re really going for an older audience.
1:48: Ma’am, it’s not polite to stare.
1:58: Butt!
2:06: Let me stand next to your fi…owowowowowow!
2:14: I hope she’s trying to conjure a better music video.
2:22: Sadly, I don’t think we’ll be seeing any dragon fucking.
2:27: I know it just breaks your heart.
2:32: We do have some creepy facial hair, though.
2:36: It’s like a soul patch that’s gained sentience.
2:47: It knows you’re afraid.
3:01: So the concept for this video took about 10 seconds to develop, right?
3:05: You do some stuff with your hands while you look at her do stuff with her hands.
3:13: Another friendship ruined because of Go Fish.
3:19: Scene provided by Quentin Tarantino.
3:27: Scene provided by Beavis.
3:36: On their Facebook page, Darkology list themselves as “the new emerging Gods of Metal!”
3:42: No reason for bringing that up. I just thought it was funny.
3:51: Like they’re not quite gods just yet. They need a few more years in god finishing school.
4:06: Okay, you win the staring contest!
4:10: That card is a real spirit crusher.
4:19: This man has Bernie Sanders shoulders.
4:28: Man this song just keeps going, doesn’t it?
4:37: Shaking the picture doesn’t count as direction.
4:45: Or storytelling.
4:53: Hey, I think it’s the belly-dancing lady from the Kattah video.
5:14: I have no idea who that’s supposed to be.
5:20: Was that supposed to mean something or was he just waiting in line for his palm to be read?

Darkology’s album Fated To Burn is available now via Prime Eon Media.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    I prefer this Solstice. Epic as fuck.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHUNvVn4yyA

  • Max

    Dorkology.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Derpology.

      • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

        Kekology.

        • Max

          Dankology.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Ologyology

          • Detective Fish

            Sploopology

      • Detective Fish

        Plopology (the study of where your poops will fall in the toilet)

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Lmaology.

  • At least the song is JUST boring.

    This absolute garbage just dropped from CIRCUS MAXIMUS. 🙁

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQmkFW0kJas

  • Waynecro

    “That’s Lolbuttzia, the Blackened Goat With A Million Lolbuttz.” I think you just created a mascot for the Toilet.

    • Salvador Dalí Lama

      with 5/7 Lolbuttz would be extra dank

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Oof, that name. Also I think the guy at the end is the singer’s younger self, wondering if he should go to that palm reader and embark on his lifelong obsession with candles and tarot, resulting in a bad green screen video when he turns 43.

    https://palmreadingperspectives.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/hand-biting-anxiety.jpg

  • Scrimm

    HAHAHAHA

  • Treebeard, Father of Fangorn

    We fear fire.

  • Sir Tapir The Based

    Power metal should be illegal.

  • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD
    • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

      #ImNotARapperImAnAstrophysicist

  • Dubs

    Dr. Tyson has his hands full mauling B.O.B.

    • B.o.B. just needs to get learnt by Carl.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUxmCXSmtVo

    • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

      I had to look this up last night because im not some internet asshole. BoB and the flat earthers have been around forever. Theres no teaching them. Theyre usually christian, and always dumb.

      The problem, like Tyson says, is that Americans are so stupid and uneducated . . . People are going to believe BoB.

      • Dubs

        Tila Tequila and BoB are definitely not Christian.

        • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

          I said usually. Perhaps i should have said historically

          • Dubs

            I wouldn’t say usually. I’ve never met a single Christian who thinks the Earth is flat. And historically, Augustine at least held of a spherical Earth.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            I had always heard the christians who believed the earth was 7000 years old were usually in the flat earther camp

          • Dubs

            The two don’t go hand-in-hand. Young Earth is pretty wacky, though. Thankfully, in non-fundamental, more theologically rigorous circles, the idea of a young earth doesn’t really fly.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Either way: flat earth, young earth. All dumb.

            What do they think? Were a big planar square out in space? No space?

          • Dubs

            Can’t argue with that. Both are bizarre beliefs that I don’t understand.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            I was asking you tho, how do flat earthers reconcile space? Or the setting sun? Do you know? Im at work or id spend some time looking

          • Dubs

            Oh, I have no clear idea. I think BoB had some weird notion of gravity holding us all down through “universal acceleration”, but the “science” behind the sun made no sense. Also, the attached picture is how he explains seasons.

            And as to my prior point on Augustine, it looks like scholars kinda debate where he stands, but it’s generally held he agreed with the Greek idea of a spherical earth.

            http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–gvX1UVB0–/c_scale,fl_progressive,q_80,w_800/mms9xpsqeniplqnjpyip.png

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            So he thinks the earth is a planar circle?

          • Dubs

            Yah, with ice walls around the perimeter that NASA patrols to keep us all in check.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Rappists >>>>>

          • Dubs

            I can kind of give Tila Tequila a pass because I think she has actual brain damage that has given her all sorts of crazy ideas. BoB is just dumb.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Tequila can make you believe or do almost anything.

            I completely forgot about flatearthers until you guys brought it up. Its always good to be reminded just how dumb some people are

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Also, what does he think is on the underside of the earth?

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Is the sun flat too?

          • Dubs

            Oof, we’re getting a bit out of my purview here. I’m curious to know the answer to that question and the one regarding the sun as well.

          • Guacamole Jim

            And the idea of young-earth creationism is a (relatively) brand new invention. The historical church never did this rather odd thing of tallying up all the years the bible records, because they understood that the purpose of the genealogies wasn’t to write a bunch of names, but rather to show the descent of the kingship.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Historically, many cultures, most of them predating Christianity, subscribed to a flat Earth theory. There’s nothing about the historical belief in a flat Earth that is inherently Christian; in fact, the early Christian church widely believed the Earth was spherical – there are only a few exceptions to that rule.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Actually, interestingly enough, it was Jesuit missionaries who, in the 17th century, introduced to China the concept that the Earth was spherical.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Fuck it, im changing my stance then.

            THE EARF IS FLAT!

  • JWEG

    Darkology: for when using Google Translate fails to find an adequately Metal-sounding Latin noun meaning dark to go with “study of…”

    And yes. I looked. 8 possible nouns. 28 adjectives (all of which have a “substantive” form)

  • EsusMoose

    These nerds need to learn to play faster, it’s not as bad at 1.5x speed as it ends in only ~3.5 minutes.

  • Detective Fish

    ….

    • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

      Fronz is just pissing on himself

      • Kanye’s Booty Finger Sundae

        That’s part of how he makes his cologne line (yes, it’s a real thing). The rest is his dick cheese slow roasting in a dumpster, scrapings from grease bins in the back of a McDonald’s, and the sweat from discarded sweatsocks from Planet Fitness’ dumpster.

  • Eliza

    The video might be unintentionally funny, but it fits the song.

  • Kanye’s Booty Finger Sundae

    Finally made it halfway through the new Dream Theater, and……………… actually really liking it so far! FIGHT ME!!!!!!

    • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

      I think youre fighting yourself

      • Kanye’s Booty Finger Sundae

        As I said, I’m only halfway through this overly long thing, and have to take a break for the other half. The length alone is kind of a dealbreaker, since I can only name two bands in recent memory that’ve been able to pull off a 2 hour CD (M83 and Midnight Odyssey).
        So far though, it’s sounding more like Images And Words and Angra’s ‘Angels Cry’, so right up my alley. It’s not nearly as boring as the new Opeth!

  • John Marks

    Get the hairstyle if you have thick hair and you will get the perfect hairstyle you need Hipster Haircuts for Men and these hairstyles are an optimal choice for medium-age guys

  • John Marks