Dark Funeral – Nail Them To The Cross: A Video Breakdown

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Spooky Ceremony

You remember Dark Funeral, right? Sure you do! They’re that black metal band that isn’t Emperor, Immortal, Darkthrone, or Mayhem. Since they’re Swedish, Dark Funeral wasn’t part of the Norwegian Black Circle Super Cool Best Friends For Life Meeting Of The Midnight Society Squad, but they tend to get lumped in anyway. Who knows, maybe they trade corpsepaint tips and chili recipes. Perhaps we’ll get to see some delicious offerings for their new video “Nail Them To The Cross.” I hope they include cornbread.

0:02: Uh, you’ve got a little something on your…eh, never mind.
0:09: Here’s hoping his mom comes into the shot, spits on a napkin, and wipes his face.
0:15: Awkward Family Photos strikes again.
0:19: Can you speak up a bit? We can’t hear you in the back.
0:26: Judging by the mustache, Dark Funeral’s new vocalist is Burt Reynolds.
0:40: Aw, he spilled his Cranberry juice all over himself!
0:46: Sigh. Always a dude standing in the back, never a dude sitting in the front.
0:57: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
1:02: You need a bath, Mr. Heljarmadr and then it’s straight to bed!
1:13: More like “Dark Motion Sickness.”
1:21: “Dark Funeral High School Football drools!”
1:32: Rise, Lord Vader.
1:43: I’m just mentally replacing the lyrics to this song with Peter Frampton‘s “Baby I Love Your Way”
1:54: “Oh baby I love your way, everyday…”
2:00: Between the black metal stench and the cranberry juice stickiness, it’s a wonder how they’re not covered in ants.
2:13: This dude is made of nothing but spit.
2:22: His crotch must be just a giant puddle by now. Probably the cleanest it’s ever been.
2:31: You just know that one of those guys in the back really needs to scratch his sack the entire time.
2:47: When Dark Funeral makes a video, don’t forget to bring a towel!
2:54: “Wanna tell you I love your way, everyday…”
3:00: Grimgrimgrimgpizzarimgrimgrimgrimpuppiesgrimgrimgrmposiesgrimgrmgrim
3:10: My God, is this guy part-waterfall? It never ends!
3:17: It turns out he is actually missing the top part of his skull and that’s vital brain fluid leaking out.
3:28: So did Dark Funeral leave their instruments at home or…?
3:33: Seriously, they’re just standing there the entire time.
3:42: “ But Marge, that little guy hasn’t done anything yet. Look at him! He’s gonna do something and you know its gonna be good.”
3:50: “Wanna be with you night and day…”
4:00: This video took 8 days to shoot.
4:12: And cost $10 million.
4:18: And required multiple re-shoots.
4:36: There’s moist and then there’s Dark Funeral.

Dark Funeral’s as-of-yet unnamed album is expected to be released in 2015 from the trvest kvltest label ever, Century Media, former home of such extreme bands as Dragonland, Flowing Tears, and Stuck Mojo.

(Photo VIA)

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  • Tyree

    I honestly sat through this whole song the other day and I have to say that it’s just fucking
    awful! Also, this is some of the worst drum production I’ve ever heard; fucking
    annoying as hell! This song/video is embarrassing. I gave “Angelus Exuro Pro Eternus”
    a chance in 2009 but it did nothing for me. This band seems to be getting shittier and shittier with every album. Dark Funeral used to be pretty fucking great in my opinion. It’s a shame.

  • Tyree
    • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

      Going to see DF play a tSotDA special gig, on the comin’ summer. They’ve only spiraled downward ever since this.

      • Tyree

        Yup. I stopped at Diabolis Interium.

        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          I’ve been checking everything with vain hopes of returning to glory.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Same here.

      • Metaphysical Anus

        tSotDA = the Shadow of the Dirty Anus?

        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          Yes, It’s the most pleasant anus/shadow there is = yours.

          • Metaphysical Anus

    • Howard Dean

      This is the only Dark Funeral album I care about. Great Necrolord album art, too.

      Dark Funeral are like the least interesting black metal band in existence. Norsecore watered down to base elements and arranged in the most boring ways ever.

      • Tyree

        I can agree with that. I really enjoy their high octane style of black metal more than anything. This album has the rawness, the speed, and the evilness that I crave. It just became more and more plastic sounding and much more boring afterwards.

      • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

        Flush yeah! The first time I see someone else use Norsecore!

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Saw them live one time and they bored me to tears.

        • Howard Dean

          You’re the second person I’ve heard say that exact thing. I’ll never seek out one of their shows.

        • Tyree

          Yup. Not a very good live band. The sound was complete shit when I saw them. They played after Grave which was a mistake. Whatever I guess. There is much better black metal out there.

          Did you listen to that new LVTHN Compilation and split yet. Fucking brilliant!
          https://lvthn.bandcamp.com/album/the-grand-uncreation

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            No, I’ve been meaning to. Thanks for the reminder!

          • Tyree

            No problem!

  • The song was meh, the video was horrible. I remember watching this the other day and hoping to God that you would do a breakdown of it. I was thoroughly pleased.

  • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

    I was never a fan of Dark Funeral. But holy crap, this video is horrible.

  • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

    No video?

    • VVorld Peace

      Refresh, amigo.

    • Metaphysical Anus

      I see it naw.

      • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

        Yes! *Tis there now! @disqus_kqxyUNPxty:disqus

        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          And flush you disqus!

        • VVorld Peace

          You are welcome, Bear-san.

  • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

    “Grimgrimgrimgpizzarimgrimgrimgrimpuppiesgrimgrimgrmposiesgrimgrmgrim”

    Lost it

  • I’m just stepping in to add that there’s nothing quite like the sound of children singing Christmas carols to just completely fill the soul with hatred.

    • VVorld Peace

      My mother-in-law is currently jamming some Christmas tunes, and I’m just sitting here talking about metal.

      • Doing the family thing today out in the sticks. There is a strong wind today so I actually have a phone signal. Xmas miracles homey.

      • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

        I talk about metal with my family and they think I’m crazy. Little minds just don’t understand the music man.

        • VVorld Peace

          Eh, you’d be surprised what common grounds you can find with people.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            Usually at Christmas my whole family talks about sports. I can dig some sports, so it’s not too bad.

      • Metaphysical Anus

        How glad I am that I can’t visit my parents this christmas.

        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          Very?

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Extremely.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            Likewise

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            I don’t have in laws since I’m 18 and unmarried, however my stepmom’s mother usually visits and I hate that lady. Luckily she’s not coming this year. Words can’t express my excitement. She’s not even my real grandma, yet she feels the need to talk shit about my clothes and tattoos.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I would just have to listen to my dad talk about his army days and mom complain about how it hurts here and there and that she visited a doctor here and there.

          • i thought you lost your dad. were you messing with me?

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Heee heee heee. I was messing with you,

          • i’m unmarried as well brother. Christmas is the be$t time to be single!

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Single? >:(

          • i don’t get the question

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Are we not together anymore?

          • oh i get it now! oops, my bad.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I love christmas, I just hate everything that comes along with it.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            *I hate christmas and I hate everything that comes along with it.
            FTFY

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            I feel you. I like spending time with my family and giving gifts to those who I love, but I hate having to decorate, the music, and things of that nature.

          • Guest

            You.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            I want one.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            WANT

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            I have a girlfriend, but she’s not a materialistic girl so that’s always cool. She doesn’t break my wallet like most women would

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I have two dogs, so I don’t really have to buy any presents to anyone.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            I asked my dad for a dog because I want a companion as I get into my early adulthood years…. Too bad he said no.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            If you ever get the chance (and you are able to take care ofit), get a dog. Those bastards will bring so much happines to your life (it would be hard for me to live without my two corgis).

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            I love Corgis! I really want a German Shepherd or a Rottweiler. But the puppies will have to wait til I’m on my own

          • JWG

            This Christmas will forever be remembered as the one when my younger sister announced her engagement.

            (Humbug!)

          • Lacertilian

            You’re not single Jimmy, the spirit of Krampus prevails throughout the halls.

        • VVorld Peace

          My in-laws are cool. My M-I-L and I talk about books.

          • Howard Dean

            Same. My in-laws are awesome. Some of the best people I’ve ever met.

          • I just got my MIL into Enslaved a few days ago.

          • Howard Dean

            That’s crazy and awesome! My in-laws would definitely never be receptive to metal, but they are cool as shit.

          • KJM

            Me & Mom went to see David Bowie a long time ago, and I used to take her to WWF shows as well.

          • She’s got a pretty open mind when it comes to music, and she’ll pretty much devour anything remotely Viking-related.

          • Howard Dean

            My in-laws are Scandinavian (Norwegian and Swedish), but Nordic/Viking metal is something about which they would say “this is something about which we would say ‘poop'”

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        You should thrown some shit down and go ballistic, yelling “I AM KRAMPUS!!!!!”

    • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

      My boss has been blasting Christmas music nonstop since mid November. I also had to come into work wearing a bell around my neck and a santa hat on my head.

      • That’s a war crime.

        • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

          The real war crime is I have to work 8-5 Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. Let’s hope I make it without snapping a neck

          • Brutal, mang. When I was a younger man I had to do the same shit. Holiday shoppers can be buttholes.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            I work in an office as an accountant’s assistant. So basically I’m her bitch. It’s not fun, but I look forward to being an accountant and not sucking like she does.

          • for as much as we all hate christmas here in the Toilet, works should give people some time off to spend with family members, annoying though they may be.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I love Christmas.

          • Hah, Americans and their puny Christmas! This is how we in Best Korea get down!

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMYA4VZX-bo

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            I like Christmas. I just hate the music and having to wear things like Santa hats and a bell that rings when I move.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            I like xmas too. Gives me a chance to out-xmas the christians.

          • True. I had a long conversation with a friend about religion and life in general. Lol, she’s pissed that I’m still fiercely atheist, but it worked out.

        • Lacertilian

          @justinnowlin:disqus has been involved in some CIA torture regime by the sounds of that, or maybe @webb71:disqus & @James_Jimmy_McNulty:disqus have changed proceedings down at the interrogation room?

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Quit on the goddamned spot.

        • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

          My uncle went out on a limb to get me this job so unfortunately that’s not an option. Even though I’d love to do so

      • Send your boss to my gulag for some voluntary rehabilitation through labor!

        • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

          I’d love to send her to North Korea. Can we make this happen?

    • Give them some Autotune. That’ll make your hatred of mankind even more intense!

  • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu
    • Metaphysical Anus
      • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

        Thy Serpent was such a great band, I wish Sami’d gather he’s shit up.

        • Metaphysical Anus

          Their last ep was pretty good. I liked its name.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

            You would.

            They are still up, a new bassist joined in 2010, yet nothing after Metaphysical Anus ep

  • Akercocke ov Steele

    Groundbreaking lyrical content.

  • Wouldn’t surprise me if Burt Reynolds joined Dark Funeral. The dude needs the money.

    • Akercocke ov Steele

      Or maybe the bandit needs one last job.

      • KJM

        They say it can’t be done…

  • Swedish Chef

    Derk Foonererll heeilz! Sveeden noomber vun Sertern church thershing blerck mertalz! BOOOOOOORRRRRRRKKKKK!

  • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

    No sign of Death or GL today. 🙁

    • VVorld Peace

      death is here.

      • Lacertilian

        death is everywhere

    • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

      Metaphysical Anus = Death

      • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

        Oh… Awkward…

    • Metaphysical Anus

      Yo, I’ve been here all day. I’ve just returned to my original form.

      • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

        *equally as scrubbish form

        • Metaphysical Anus

          Did r/atheism run out of religions to mock and you had to come here to mock me?

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

            Yes.

    • Death has reverted back to his original form.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Band hasn’t been good since The Secrets of the Black Arts. Also, video is atrocious.

  • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

    NEARL DEM TO DA CRAWWWWW

    • CyberneticOrganism

      NVIL THVM TV THV CRVSS

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan

    RIP Joe Cocker. I loved your music and you will be missed.

  • this is one of the worst videos i’ve seen in a while. @365daysofhorror:disqus, i appreciate the patience it must have taken to write this article.

    • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

      Totally agree. I barely finished it.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I hated this video more than the Vanilla Fudge album The Beat Goes On.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        What the fuck does that even mean?

        • Metaphysical Anus

          You’re not the first one to ask nor the last one.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            I know all too well, sadly.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          The Beat Goes On is a terrible album from a usually good band if that’s what you were asking. This video was worse than that.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Your 60s boner is too strong, mate.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            You forgot to add the 70’s and 80’s to that statement. I love my rock from the 70’s and 80’s. I also love the bands Rare Earth and Canned Heat who are good blues rock.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            *your bad music boner is too strong, m8.
            I fixed it.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            You can’t bring me down! I will love what I love forever!

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Oh sweet fucking christ, thanks for clearing up that cunting mystery. I’m now kicking myself in the cunting dick for even asking.

          • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

            ^^ best comment ever.

      • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

        Was the video worse than “Illud Divinum Insanus” or “Cold Lake”? I thought it was up there

    • “Nothings happening…nothings happening…aaaaaand it’s over.”

      • CyberneticOrganism

        “Okay guys, our video really has to stand out in today’s market. Let’s do something completely original and unique that’ll grab people’s attention.”

        “We all agree, let’s break some creative ground here!”

        *films video in which nobody moves for five minutes*

  • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple
    • BLVKKBEVRD OV GREVT DVWKINS

      sounds like….. ummmmmm Krallice with some lows. its ok doe

      • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

        Meh. Random find on band camp. Didn’t hate it.

  • I think the singer was drooling over that sandwich the camera man’s holding. That or he’s having a stroke (while staring at aforementioned burger).

    http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqxe4xH2du1qlff32o1_500.gif

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Eating is vntrve. Starving is kvlt.

  • CONANtheMomsenFuckingKING

    A PRIME EXAMPLE OF A TURD BALL STORY I WOULD EXPECT FROM AXL. PLUS ANOTHER ATTACK ON BLACK METAL. SUCH AN EASY TARGET. ITS LIKE CLUBBING A BABY SEAL AT THIS POINT. NO WONDER BLACK METAL IS DEAD IN AMERICA. WE REJECT DARK FUNERAL AND EMBRACE DEAFHEAVEN, BLAKE JUDD AND COBALT.

    • Metaphysical Anus

      Right on, man

    • Eh, I don’t even know why Deafheaven gets any notice. It sounds like a My Bloody Valentine clone with some black metal vocals thrown in. As per Blake, trust me, it’s like kicking a dead horse.