Dario Mollo’s Crossbones – Gates Of Time: A Video Breakdown

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You’ll get caught up in the…Crossbones.

I’m not going to lie. I don’t know Dario Mollo. Simply saying “He’s the guitarist from Crossbones” is too easy and you deserve better than that. The internet tells me that Dario Mollo played on three albums with former Black Sabbath vocalist Tony Martin on three “The Cage” albums. That…that still doesn’t help me. Oh, there’s more! Mollo also collaborated with Deep Purple/other Black Sabbath frontman Glenn Hughes on three albums under the name Voodoo Hill. Yeah, I got nothing. Curse Yngwie’s puffy shirt! Well, the Italian guitar virtuoso is back with his original band Crossbones and boy, have they got a green screen for you in their new video.

0:01: First one to make a “Crossboners” joke loses.
0:05: Mollo-mar jokes are acceptable, though.
0:13: Crossbones Presents: We Saw Mad Max: Fury Road
0:21: I wonder what kind of mileage that thing gets.
0:27: It has to be pretty good since it’s not actually moving.
0:35: It sounds like an awkward 80’s love-making scene is about to break out.
0:40: SPEAKING OF AWKWARD…
0:49: They should have given him some digital sleeves.
0:58: I’m going to have to give this motel 1-star on Yelp. “Quiet, clean, but has crazy man singing on roof.”
1:04: That digital exhaust and/or dust is just beautiful.
1:11: So is he dead or…?
1:16: This is one of those times where the band would have been better off filming in an empty warehouse.
1:19: Or in front of a generic brick wall.
1:26: Or in a vat of acid.
1:33: What did those mountains ever do to deserve this?
1:42: Those sunglasses really help keep the computerized sun out of his eyes.
1:48: So they’re not in the desert anymore? Why? Budget cuts?
1:53: This is the “before” picture of the Doof Warrior.
2:11: Nothing is going to happen in this video, is there?
2:17: At least people got shot in the Civil War video.
2:26: The annoying lens flare makes me really feel like I’m in a JJ Abrams movie.
2:34: Don’t look at his crotch don’t look at his crotch don’t look at his…awww, you looked!
2:50: Wearing all-black pants and layers was probably a poor choice.
3:01: This video gets a red card for having melodramatic builds set against absolutely nothing happening.
3:13: Crossbones is not allowed to pass Go and collect $200.
3:25: They are suspended 10 games and fined $100,000.
3:36: And they have to do 500 hours of community service.
3:47: You guys. Someone got paid to make this video.
3:52: Let that sink in for a minute.
4:00: By the way, where’s that car from the beginning?
4:12: Gasp! It’s a ghost car!
4:19: Forced to aimlessly drive around the desert until it can make things right.
4:26: If he hits the band members, all will be forgiven.
4:35: Obligatory “Look what I can do” mirrored solo shot.
4:49 Video edited in Final Cut Novice.
5:01: Please forward this video to the one guy that correctly air guitars every note when they see Dream Theater live.
5:12: This guy definitely sucks on all the pillow mints at that motel.
5:17: Too bad for him, the motel aren’t the ones who left those mints there.
5:25: It’s like a bad 80’s class picture brought to life.
5:40: I’ve changed my mind. The ghost car can run me over instead.
5:55: The mountains represent something to take up space.
6:07: Sweet, sweet release.

Dario Mollo’s Crossbones’s album Rock The Cradle is out now via Frontiers Music srl.

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  • Howard Dean

    I’m gonna start a gofundme campaign so that we can send JJD to interview Tony Martin. I’ve been waiting for that interview for two years and my balls are blue as fuck.

    • more beer

      I will contribute if part of it is getting him a hooker. So we don’t have to see his ugly every Flush it Friday.

      • Joaquin Stick

        My Glove Life.

        • more beer

          That made me laugh.

      • Howard Dean

        Taking liberties with a few assumptions, here’s a prelim budget:

        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/981cf9f394dbf3d9f5ba625b5bbe4a71868cdbc3c35c3f340fc567b4c9d3e7c2.jpg

        Thoughts? Who’s in? The NPV of this project is difficult to calculate with these primitive assumptions, though I think we are looking at a break-even scenario in the event JJD finds Tony Martin, gets an interview, and bangs a hooker, a ($985.00) in the event JJD doesn’t find Tony Martin and doesn’t bang a hooker, ($10,000)+ in the event JJD gets a noncurable STD from the hooker, and ~($50,000) in the event Tony Martin is so freaked out by JJD that he shoots him.

        • more beer

          We could at least strive for an expensive call girl. Or we could send him down to Hunts Point (with his parents permission of course) we could get him the hooker for as little as a $3.00 crack rock and train fare. As for the incurable STD. We still have a few weeks to get him enrolled in Obamacare. So that would cover that. If Tony Marten shoots him. Funeral costs are expensive. But they do cut rate cremations for about $500. Even with the fake Mexican food. A grand sounds about right. But less with my cost cutting approach.

          • Howard Dean

            Haha, I remember HBO or Showtime or one of those channels used to have a reality/documentary type show called “The Hookers of Hunts Point.” That was some eye-opening shit to a younger HD. Some rough living.

          • more beer

            It is a rough neighborhood. Like most of The Bronx. I used to go down there pretty often. For auto parts because that is where all of the good junkyards are. It is like a war zone there.

          • Howard Dean

            My only exposure to the Bronx was going to the old Yankee Stadium once (and ogling at the immense Co-op City via the comfort of a vehicle on the Cross Bronx Expressway). But I’ve heard that many neighborhoods are as you described.

          • more beer

            Most of it in fact. That neighborhood around the old Yankee Stadium is a bad neighborhood too. Along with Co-op City.

      • Óðinn

        He didn’t hook up with the JO crystal dude?

        • Howard Dean

          Nah, just a couple Double Dutch Rudders and a few crystals to power up.

          • Óðinn

            Ah, I see. The usual.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          RIP jerkoff crystal dude

    • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

      I’ll have to see if he’s interested.

      • Howard Dean

        YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!

  • Joaquin Stick

    This is one of those “voice does not match the face” scenarios. Also I think all your breakdowns should end with that final comment.

    The video kinda reminds me of that Rebecca Black thing, where her rich parents paid a producer to hastily throw something together, because surely no one asked for this.

    • W.

      Dude, she’s famous now. It totally worked for her.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sg4mUAQb17Q

      • Joaquin Stick

        I blame all of us for this. The internet is a bad invention.

        • W.

          I’ve thought this for years. Sometimes I think we should call the whole thing a failed experiment and pull the plug.

          • Sir Crawfish The Based

            I’ll go poison all the water supplies.

        • I’d rather her make a few bucks than low hanging fruit bands like Smash Mouth and Jimmy Buffet making millions upon millions

          • Sir Crawfish The Based

            Talkin’ shit on Smash Mouth? Clearly you are not the sharpest tool in the shed.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Look at that majestic bastard!

    • ME GORAK™✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

      YOUNG BILBO BAGGINS????

  • Óðinn
    • Sir Crawfish The Based

      My penis size is not an insult.

      • Óðinn

        It’s YUGE!

  • Óðinn

    LOL.Their grandkids showed them how to use green screen in iMovie.

  • Waynecro

    I’m going to have to give this motel 1-star on Yelp. “Quiet, clean, but has crazy man singing on roof.” Dead.

  • Final Cut Novice