Custard – Queen Of Snow: A Video Breakdown

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Enjoy a heaping helping of German power metal.

Custard is a mixture of cooked eggs and milk or cream. With a little bit of sugar and vanilla, it goes great in pies, cakes, and other baked desserts. It can also be enjoyed as a delicious frozen treat. Oh, and it’s also a German power metal band that has been around since the late 80’s. No, I have no idea why a band would name themselves “Custard” but here we are and here they are with their first album in 5 years. How does the band celebrate the release of their new album A Realm Of Tales? With some bad special effects.

0:01: If you think that’s bad, you should see what comes out the other end.
0:11: They better be cooking up some custard with that fire.
0:14: “It was the most I ever ate and it changed my life forever. The end.”
0:19: “’Learn the lute’ they said. ‘You’ll get chicks’ they said.”
0:22: That’s his teeth-cleaning axe.
0:26: Hey, it’s Snowy Shaw!
0:33: Today’s weather: Cloudy with a chance of grandmas.
0:38: Nothing like some Mountain Dew: Code Red to wash down some gamey mutton.
0:42: Ah, yes. Ancient warriors were known for their fingerless gloves. Vape pens, too.
0:46: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
0:54: Oh, no! He’s sentenced to the Phantom Zone like General Zod!
1:03: It was nice of the Queen of Snow to let them bring their instruments into the gaping nothingness.
1:12: “Por que?!?!?!?!?!?”
1:19: I’m going to guess “We’ll fix it in post” was said a lot during this video shoot.
1:24: Extreme Metal Dad Closeup!
1:35: The fake snow really helps distract from the other fake things.
1:39: Did they really add digital snow when there is real snow on the ground?
1:47: I guess it’s silly to try to look for logic in a music video by a band named “Custard”.
1:56: I assume they’re so close together because they have to huddle for computer-generated warmth.
2:02: You don’t see enough pirouettes in metal nowadays.
2:10: Everyone looks so stern. It’s like they don’t know what type of video they’re in.
2:21: Oh, yeah. This is much better than using a real location.
2:25: It looks like he’s wearing a couch cushion.
2:31: Please, Custard. I beg of you. Stop. Stop now.
2:34: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
2:36: WHY ISN’T HE WEARING A SHIRT ANYMORE?!
2:39: These porn parodies are getting out of hand.
2:46: We’re very close to putting a NSFW tag on this video.
2:53: We’re now heading into MST3K territory.
2:58: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand they’re all dead.
3:05: Hugs!
3:12: Countess Dooku.
3:20: The only thing missing is the ice spider from the Sunless Sky video.
3:25: He was just doing the “Hey! Hey!” chant with no actual “Heys” in the song.
3:36: That ice cave has incredible acoustics.
3:43: The movements of an awkward pear.
3:49: Shot from the hoagie’s point of view.
4:03: The Queen Of Snow demands you shave your stubble.
4:09: The cave has its own string accompaniment.
4:17: This video could really use a Heat Miser or two.
4:26: Maybe a couple of snow cones too.
4:37: Fire and ice and probably a lot of Bengay ointment when this is over.
4:46: Come on kids, get your Custard wobble on.
4:55: Field goal!
5:04: Oh my god! We get it! Fire and ice!
5:17: Vicious sarcastic slow clap from the Queen of Snow.
5:28: I’m starting to feel like that clap was meant for us.
5:36: Quite the “Fellowship of the warrior” guys.
Custard’s new album A Realm Of Tales is out now via

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  • Vault Dweller

    It dawns on me that what we really need is a band comprised of 19th Century dead soldiers performing under the moniker ‘Custer.’

    http://www.sonofthesouth.net/union-generals/custer/pictures/general-custer.jpg

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    The video may be shit, but this is a pretty solid tune

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      Seconded.

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    Video is completely awful, but the song isn’t that horrible tbh. I mean, nothing great and I won’t rush out to buy the album or any of their stuff, but I’ve heard worse.