Crust Punk Porn: The Pros & Cons

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Oh God, why.

If you are an independent, free thinking 20-something like I am then you no doubt frequent Vice.com to be told which opinions you should definitely agree with. A few months ago, the music portion of their website covered a story on Tumblr (because of-fucking-course this story came from there) about various outlets of crust punk pornography (dibs on “crust punk pornography” as a band name) that are making the rounds online.

You’re probably familiar with this development; it’s already had more coverage than a Mormon woman on an iceberg. Please forgive me for rehashing such old news; I just got it recently as I live about a quarter-mile North of Butt-Fuck, Nowhere. Before I begin, I know what you’re thinking; and the answer is no, I’m not going to link any of these crimes against humanity. Fuck that. You disgusting pervert. You make me sick.

In fact, Papa Joe was hesitant to allow this post to fly for the very reasons I had just mentioned. However, I believe that we cannot close our eyes and hope that these sun-dried, shit-caked crust punks and their “art” that’s greasier than a seagull snatching your mother’s used tampon out of Kid Rock’s hands just suddenly disappear. We need to think critically about this. We need to weigh the pros and cons of our society producing and consuming crust punk pornography. Sit on your bum, read, and think about whether or not we should allow these bums to do each other in the bum for our twisted, Game-of-Thrones style entertainment:

 punk-kanye

PROS:

-Safe-sex regulations are pretty lax when everyone already has STDs.

-Satisfaction that these performers are bringing their much-needed payment of Ziplock bags half-filled with cigarette butts picked up from the Walmart parking lot home to their families.   

-If you find a new fetish there’s no way you can get any more disgusting.

-Efficiency of recording the video content and the soundtrack in the same McDonald’s bathroom then uploading it on the free WiFi.

-Majority of the leather worn by crusties is recycled from BDSM enthusiasts.

-It’s gluten-free.

-Adults watching it is not as embarrassing as adults watching Adventure Time.

-Only the second worst genre of pornography referred to as “CP”.

-Impossibility that these films will contain The Walking Dead spoilers.

-When crusties are naked you don’t have to look at their God-awful, lice-ridden, dirty clothes. You can just sit back and enjoy their God-awful, lice-ridden, dirty bodies.

-Being conceived and born at the same dumpster would be one Hell of a story to tell at parties.

-It’s the most energy-efficient adult entertainment. No showers, no shaves, no lights, no shame.

-It would put you into perspective to think that maybe a Black Flag tattoo wouldn’t be such an “on fleek” idea after all.

-Watching it would be a nice reminder that you really should wash your dishes and maybe vacuum your place next weekend.    

-It would be a swift reminder that you need Jesus.

-It’s not Iggy Azalea.

-Technology is not developed to the point where you can smell the performers.

-It’s still better than crust punk music.

 

tumblr_m7zghdK27P1rqz96ko1_500

CONS:

-The obvious.

-This new industry will damage urban fauna ecosystems. 8 out of 10 mice, rats, raccoons, or stray dogs in urban environments that contract lice, fleas, ticks, and other disease carrying parasites contract them from direct contact with crusties.

-Uncomfortable feeling one gets when they realize that the only difference between you and them is one rent payment.

-Provides ISIS with completely legitimate fuel to hate Western Culture.

-It’s technically bestiality.

-Impending lawsuits from Pizza Hut as they have already patented the term “Stuffed Crust”.

-The inevitable The Simpsons porn-parody titled, “Krusty The Clown”.

-Sub-par pornographic filmography. Contrary to popular belief, crusties aren’t great actors or screenplay directors. These films will have inconsistent plots and little-to-no character development.  

-The strong possibility that history books will refer to our generation as “Millennials: The Generation of Crust Punk Porn.”

-Accidentally seeing your long lost cousin who dropped out of high school, ran away from home, and starting dating a 40 year assistant manager at a motorcycle repair shop. She’ll get her GED soon, she swears. At least she’s not around to bum your smokes anymore.

-Special Edition DVDs with commentary provided by Henry Rollins.

-You can probably get the sweat stains out of the set with baking soda, but THE STINK!

-Technology may develop soon to the point where you can smell the performers.

-The crusties in these sin-films all know who GG Allin is. You know who GG Allin is. How does that make you feel?

There it is folks, weigh these pros and cons out to decide if crust punk pornography is something that we, as a society, need. Think independently. Think rebellious. Think free. Quit your job. Live with your girlfriend and your dog behind the local head shop in a van with no wheels. Be unsure if you got hepatitis from your tattoo from a pen and lighter or from that girl that robbed you a month and a half ago, the way God intended. Let’s put this whole thing behind us and hope we don’t end up a footnote in the next chapter of The Decline of Western Civilization.

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  • ┼yree

    Is better or worse than Amish porn?

  • KJM, Shake Zula

    All I know is that poor doggie should come live with me.

    • ┼yree

      I can’t tell if he’s winking or if he’s missing an eye. But either way, he should live with me or you.

      • KJM, Shake Zula

        One of my neighbors has a lady dog named Toast who looks just like that, beautiful and friendly.

        • ┼yree

          Pitbull?

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Yep.

          • ┼yree

            They make for very adorable puppies.

            EDIT: In hindsight all dogs are that way.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    What about porn porn?

    • ┼yree

      Bro, gather up all the bros so we all can all watch porn together.

      • BEARD-SPLITTER

        Guys who watch porn together just want to have sex to each other

        • ┼yree

          Pretty much like every FRAT house here in PSU Happy Valley.

          • BEARD-SPLITTER

            Not to mention Chapel Hill & Duke

          • ┼yree

            I used to live near Chapel Hill. I lived in Cary.

          • BEARD-SPLITTER

            Thats where my old lady lived, i grew up in raleigh

        • You either watch it solo or with your partner. That’s the rules.

          • BEARD-SPLITTER

            Thats fair

  • I have a GG Allin record. Feels bad man.

    • Salvador Dalí Lama
    • ┼yree

      At least you don’t own the documentary. I don’t know anyone who’d want to watch that twice let alone for the first time.

      • Hahaha, it’s the soundtrack for the documentary.

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        I read that doc’s pretty ace apart from the maker being kind of a hipster type?

        • It was the creator’s first movie. He went on to do “Old School” and “The Hangover” and shit.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            Ah, I see. I liked Road Trip well enough back in the day but tuned out with Old School.

      • Hated? if so… i enjoyed it!

        • ┼yree

          Unless I saw a different one, because the one I saw was from many years back. Maybe even the 90’s.

          • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

            There’s several of them on Youtube, almost all uncensored. And there’s one of him on Jerry Springer talking about raping audience members’ kids, and various other things proving he was a human bag of burning poo.

          • more beer

            Well he did achieve his goal of being a total scumbag. He wanted to be one of the most fucked up people to ever walk the earth. You gotta admit he did just that.

          • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

            Indeed he did.

          • more beer

            Unlike most who never achieve their goals.

          • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

            Then again, most people’s goals don’t involve feces, which is crucial in life.

          • more beer

            That was only one of the the things involved in achieving his goals. You must not forget running around naked. While having the smallest dick on earth. Wearing nothing but a dog collar.

          • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

            Lol, a lot of songs revolved around his dick, but I doubt that he could get a hard on for the life of him.

            http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/39/39d26cac557cde14e74a388e5c60219d752fcf5fa93662708386a768bfda5cdb.jpg

      • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

        Hated In The Nation is a nice piece of family friendly entertainment!

  • There’s just better pvrn available just about anywhere you look. Why would anyone subject themselves to this unless they wanted to “study” it?

  • This article is a revelation. Thanks for sharing your wisdom, humble socialité.

    I found CRUSTy the Clown!

    http://41.media.tumblr.com/dd27b7f55ae48ed3379134f1ccd6dbe6/tumblr_mgc0uaTzeE1ripc0qo1_500.jpg

    • BEARD-SPLITTER

      Wanna talk about a punchable face.

      • Paris Hilton

        punchable face

      • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

        It’s doesn’t get more punchable than the Pharma Bro.

        http://www.resepidola.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Martin-Shkreli-Gets-Competition-From-Company-That-Will-Sell-AIDS-Drug-For-1.jpg

        You can practically hear the crunching of his balls against my fist.

        • Paris Hilton

          Just like Ronda Rousey, this motherfucker needs a good old fashioned fuckin’ ass-kicking to get an attitude adjustment

          • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

            Watch the Rousey/Holm fight? Rousey got a neck full of foot, and a mouthful of Holm’s corns and bunions.

          • Paris Hilton

            Hell yeah! I love Rousey as fighter, her striking and kicks are so fucking good! (her wrestling is lacking, however), but man did she need an ass-kicking to keep her humble. Her success was going to her head, she totally had has an attitude problem.

          • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

            Maybe she shouldn’t have loaded up on all those Carl, Jr. burgers and spent her time trying to get Bieber and Mayweather into a fight! Oddly enough, after the fight, Mayweather was one of the first to jump to her defense, as did Holm. Saying a lot, as Rousey didn’t tap gloves before the fight and acted like a complete twat.

          • more beer

            Or maybe she should have learned more than two moves. Before stepping in the ring with someone who really knew how to box with some kickboxing training.

          • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

            That too. Her judo experience could’ve helped, but UFC limits pretty much everything to boxing and Brazilian Jujitsu, with a couple of basic Muay Thai moves here and there. Remember when it was actual mixed martial arts of various disciplines? Almost all the fighters are the same nowadays for that reason.

          • more beer

            Yea I remember those days. For these reasons I don`t watch it as much now. Floyd Mayweather said he would help her out with her boxing skills. She may have to humble herself after all the shit she talked on him. Because everyone has seen her weakness. Which is boxing without a doubt.

          • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril
          • more beer

            But they are still better than Rousey.

          • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

            That’s not saying much. I’d love to see her take on some of the Japanese extreme wrestlers!

          • more beer

            She can`t actually beat an American boxer. So I don`t think that would work out to well for her.

          • maybe she’ll ease up on the “guise let me act!” gas pedal too…

        • Óðinn
          • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

            Carson’s fucking nuts, but nowhere near as bad as Pharma Bro.

  • “Provides ISIS with completely legitimate fuel to hate Western Culture”.

    I thought they had enough with the Sonic fans and the metalheads!

  • JWEG

    I you think adults watching Adventure Time is embarrassing (which it is), I pray that you never discover the adult fan base for ‘Steven Universe’.

    And if you have, I am very sorry.

    That apology includes if you’ve even heard of that program.

    • Is it worse than Bronies?

      • JWEG

        From what I understand, part of the fan-base’s existence in the first place is rooted in a Brony revolution.

        Sort of like the birth of ISIS from Al Qaeda, minus the ability to grow beards. Except among some of the ladies.

      • Paris Hilton

        Nothing is. Maybe the Holocaust, but that’s about it.

    • i’m 34 and watch Adventure Time… good thing i’m not an adult

      • JWEG

        I for one fully embrace my inner child, and even allow him some decision-making responsibilities.

        I can’t really speak, anyway. I have my own no-guilt ‘guilty’ pleasure on CN:
        http://www.watchcartoononline.com/thumbs/The-Amazing-World-of-Gumball-Season-3-Episode-26-The-Lie.jpg

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          I have an inner child. That inner child wants a Lego Kwik E Mart set which costs 200 dollars. I don’t listen to him anymore.

          • that sounds p badass, in all fairness

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            It’s over 2000 pieces and it’s extremely detailed.

          • Boss the “Inspectah” Ross

            It is pretty intense.

          • like camping

          • Boss the “Inspectah” Ross

            Exactly like camping.

          • JWEG

            Stealth Dad Joke High Five.

          • Boss the “Inspectah” Ross

            My inner child wants ALL of the Lord of the Rings and Star Wars lego sets. He’s crying right now, because he knows he can’t get what he wants. But i stopped listening a while back.

          • Maik Beninton™

            That happened to me too.
            Why are Legos so expensive?

          • Boss the “Inspectah” Ross

            Licensing. They gotta pay, means we gotta pay. Those bastards…

          • Maik Beninton™

            You pay 50 bucks for a tiny box.
            Talk about being robbed.

          • Boss the “Inspectah” Ross

            No shit. It’s getting ridiculous, i havent bought legos in years because of it. Last lego-esque toy i bought was this, because it was cheap and sg1 is bad ass.

          • Maik Beninton™

            I have an old box of standard Lego, it’s actually mixed with another lego company called Mega Blocks.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            My inner child is still kicking my ass for getting rid of my circa 1978 Star Wars toys, not to mention my Space:1999 Eagle.

          • Boss the “Inspectah” Ross

            Daaaaaaammmn it! Did you get rid of them young or older?

          • Maik Beninton™

            His mom probably made him do it.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Eh, not so much, but it was a child of a friend of hers that I gave it all to.

          • Boss the “Inspectah” Ross

            KJM, what a nice guy.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Honestly, by that age I was far more concerned with music and girls, although I still liked sci-fi stuff.

          • Boss the “Inspectah” Ross

            Understandable.

            But that’s why fuzzed out doom/stoner rock/metal is the best, you can get all 3 at the same time.

          • Boss the “Inspectah” Ross

            Case in point.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Aw yeah.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Those do seem to be the most female-friendly of the various Metal genres.

          • Boss the “Inspectah” Ross

            Both in musicians and audience. Besides most of the classics, it’s really the only metal genre my wife voluntarily listens to, for the most part.

          • Boss the “Inspectah” Ross

            Also lyrically, lots of sci fi women in the stoner/doom.
            https://youtu.be/5wIL7LRXAfc

          • KJM, Shake Zula
          • Boss the “Inspectah” Ross

            Shit yeah!

          • Boss the “Inspectah” Ross

            Did you see my dopesmoker revision from yesterday?

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            just the one verse. I’ll check.

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            To be fair, I didn’t throw them away. I gave them to another child when I was about 14, so at least I’m kicking myself for doing a good deed.

          • Boss the “Inspectah” Ross

            Ha, true. A good deed tinged with regret though.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I watch Boomerang and I’m 20.

      • Maik Beninton™

        I’m 22 and I watch some dudes play porn flash games.
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQXqZ8gWumU

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          Maik plz!

      • Waynecro

        I’m nearly 33, and I think Adventure Time is pretty swell. For the most part, I’m a respectable adult who pays his property taxes and goes to bed at a reasonable time. For a few minutes a week, I’m a dork who watches Adventure Time and Regular Show.

        • …and you’re my buddy!

          • Waynecro

            Thanks, buddy!

          • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

            Later that night, at Waynecro and Jimmy’s house………….

            http://cdn2.gurl.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/rocky-beach-hug.gif

          • Waynecro

            Beach-party gun show!

          • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

            Beach Party Sausage Party.

          • Waynecro

            Then we just find some womens to make it a clam bake.

          • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

            Or a clam slam.

          • i call Carl Weathers! is that Carl Weathers?

          • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

            What’s a Carl Weathers?

            BTW, just picked up season 2 of the Wire. Now I’ll get to know who you are! 😉

          • s2 is a good. but it’s not really popular, and you’ll find out why in the first few minutes

      • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

        Same! I’m 34 and think it’s hilarious. Then again, I’m a 34 year old who still likes Spongebob and Bucky O’Hare.

    • Paris Hilton

      Steven Universe is totally worse. Oh god, why…

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I’ve heard of Steven Universe. I don’t really watch Cartoon Network as I prefer Boomerang.

    • Maik Beninton™

      I’ve watched Adventure Time once, it was funny and made me laugh, so it was good.

    • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

      I’m much much more afraid of Bronies (the guys who get off on My Little Pony porn, and get together dressed up as MLP characters).

      https://grouchymuffin.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/bronies.jpg

      • Paris Hilton

        My favorite part about bronies is how they force their egalitarian/libertarian/God-knows-what political theories into a show specifically designed to sell toys to 2-5 year girls, and expect to have their intellect taken seriously.

        • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

          They actually get political? Gah, as if it’s not bad enough that playgrounds and daycare centers have to go on lockdown anytime there’s a bronie within 200 miles.

        • KJM, Shake Zula

          You read their drivel? And I thought I was bad lurking at Lambgoat for amusement(something I’ve stopped doing since the recent terror attacks).

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I’m pretty ok with almost any forms of consensually performed pornography. But just plain grimy stuff doesn’t do much for me. Gimme a hot amputee pegging a guy with her leg stump or tampon eating or something.

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      On a more serious note, this seems like a sweet and heartening endeavour and I wish the best for these bright young folks.

    • Speaking of the consumption of tampons, have you seen Anatomy of Hell?

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        I have not, though it’s on my list. Not seen any Breillat but she seems to get some amusing controversy, which usually equals worthwhile for me.

  • ┼yree

    Thinking of the stench that would come from the room while shooting this makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Goddamn is that foul.

  • BEARD-SPLITTER

    I honestly had no idea wtf this was.

    That said, a Paris article >>>>>>

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    I guess it makes a convincing argument for post term abortion?

  • ┼yree
  • Maik Beninton™
  • ┼yree
  • Max

    I support the legal right of any porn which is completely consensual among all parties involved, and which doesn’t involve children or animals.

    But usually I just prefer listening to metal.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Robots making sweet, tender, efficient robot love or GTFO

  • Waynecro

    This was pretty damn funny, Paris. Terribly, terribly disturbing but pretty damn funny nonetheless. I will now spend the rest of my life staving off mental images.

  • BEARD-SPLITTER
  • The pros and cons nullify one another. The Universe remains a neutral record of its own empty cognizance. Spoiler Alert: Season 6 of The Walking Dead is another season of The Walking Dead.

  • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril
  • Óðinn
  • Óðinn
    • Paris Hilton

      Guy probably is smoking dirty old MacDonald’s cigarettes.

  • Óðinn
  • Óðinn
  • Óðinn
  • Óðinn
    • Paris Hilton

      It’s exactly like King of The Hill except that they live in that alley and none of them have jobs.

      • KJM, Shake Zula

        If this were the Harvard Sq version, at least one of them would be a trust fund baby from either Belmont or Newton.

        • Paris Hilton

          The only part of it that makes sense is Dale. I could see a paranoid, wiry, chain-smoking exterminator that has an extreme distaste for the government to be a crust punk. Now that I think about it, this makes too much sense…

          • more beer

            Except being an exterminator is having a job. A job is a crusty no no.

          • Paris Hilton

            Plus crusties are more likely to co-habituate with roaches, mice and rats despite eating the same food in their environments.

          • more beer

            This is very true. Plus squatters rights.

        • more beer

          Trustafarians. Are what we have here.

    • ┼yree

      Crust ov the Hell.

  • Óðinn
  • Óðinn
    • Paris Hilton

      Even Bill Maher would be offended by this.

  • Óðinn
  • Óðinn
  • Óðinn
    • more beer

      A crusty I know had a sign that read. “Too lazy to prostitute too ugly to strip”.

  • Óðinn
  • Óðinn
    • more beer

      I`m not sure which actually smells worse. This or the crust punks?

      • Paris Hilton

        I’ve always wanted to fill like one of those new motherfuckin intense Super-Soakers with a half soap half water solution and have an tactical mission on the crusties.

        • more beer

          You will also need bleach.

  • KJM, Shake Zula

    Mess up the mix
    Mix up the mess
    come on down y’all
    here’s the address
    It’s 612 Wharf Avenue
    612 Wharf Avenue

  • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

    ……

    • KJM, Shake Zula

      Is that a network adapter yer chomping on? I can’t tell.

      • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

        Motherboard from my old laptop.

        • KJM, Shake Zula

          Ah yes, I can tell now.

    • KJM, Shake Zula

      This is what a pissed off old man looks like first thing in the morning.(RFI come at me u scrugs)

      • BEARD-SPLITTER

        Awwww KJ, you looks like an ancient aliens guy

      • ┼yree

        Yup. Accurate morning response if I’ve ever seen one.

      • hey, good to meet ya! you weren’t lying about long hair…

        • KJM, Shake Zula

          I only chop the split ends and I don’t even do that as often as I should.

          • i’m on round 2 of long hair growing. last time i didn’t know that split ends needed to be trimmed, so it was in p bad shape. that and i used a straight iron every now and then, which doesn’t help matters

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Fortunately I got out of the habit of using the blow dryer so it’s not totally fried. Mom used to cut hair long ago so I get her to do it for me.

          • more beer

            At least yours didn’t all fall out in your old age like mine did. So now I just shave my head. Nothing looks worse than an old guy who is bald on top trying to keep his long hair.

      • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

        Pre-skullet Devin Townsend!!!!! ^^^^^^

      • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

        PS, you don’t look that old. If I didn’t know better, I’d say 24 or so.

        • KJM, Shake Zula

          I get that from Mom. People tell her all the time she looks way too young to have a middle aged son.

          • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

            You’re mom looks 20 in my book! I never ask a woman about her age or weight!

          • KJM, Shake Zula

            Smart move.

          • A Chili Dog In Each Nostril

            That’s how my grandmother taught me! :-p

  • ┼yree
    • KJM, Shake Zula

      Relax your butthole, you must. On this, everything depends.

      • ┼yree

        Hahaha! It ain’t easy becoming a Jedi Knight.

        • KJM, Shake Zula

          Dude, you don’t even wanna know what Sith Lords get up to at their parties.

  • Count_Breznak

    Hm…compared with paris hilton the crustpunk still looks like the saver choice.