Crust Punk Porn: The Pros & Cons

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Oh God, why.

If you are an independent, free thinking 20-something like I am then you no doubt frequent Vice.com to be told which opinions you should definitely agree with. A few months ago, the music portion of their website covered a story on Tumblr (because of-fucking-course this story came from there) about various outlets of crust punk pornography (dibs on “crust punk pornography” as a band name) that are making the rounds online.

You’re probably familiar with this development; it’s already had more coverage than a Mormon woman on an iceberg. Please forgive me for rehashing such old news; I just got it recently as I live about a quarter-mile North of Butt-Fuck, Nowhere. Before I begin, I know what you’re thinking; and the answer is no, I’m not going to link any of these crimes against humanity. Fuck that. You disgusting pervert. You make me sick.

In fact, Papa Joe was hesitant to allow this post to fly for the very reasons I had just mentioned. However, I believe that we cannot close our eyes and hope that these sun-dried, shit-caked crust punks and their “art” that’s greasier than a seagull snatching your mother’s used tampon out of Kid Rock’s hands just suddenly disappear. We need to think critically about this. We need to weigh the pros and cons of our society producing and consuming crust punk pornography. Sit on your bum, read, and think about whether or not we should allow these bums to do each other in the bum for our twisted, Game-of-Thrones style entertainment:

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PROS:

-Safe-sex regulations are pretty lax when everyone already has STDs.

-Satisfaction that these performers are bringing their much-needed payment of Ziplock bags half-filled with cigarette butts picked up from the Walmart parking lot home to their families.   

-If you find a new fetish there’s no way you can get any more disgusting.

-Efficiency of recording the video content and the soundtrack in the same McDonald’s bathroom then uploading it on the free WiFi.

-Majority of the leather worn by crusties is recycled from BDSM enthusiasts.

-It’s gluten-free.

-Adults watching it is not as embarrassing as adults watching Adventure Time.

-Only the second worst genre of pornography referred to as “CP”.

-Impossibility that these films will contain The Walking Dead spoilers.

-When crusties are naked you don’t have to look at their God-awful, lice-ridden, dirty clothes. You can just sit back and enjoy their God-awful, lice-ridden, dirty bodies.

-Being conceived and born at the same dumpster would be one Hell of a story to tell at parties.

-It’s the most energy-efficient adult entertainment. No showers, no shaves, no lights, no shame.

-It would put you into perspective to think that maybe a Black Flag tattoo wouldn’t be such an “on fleek” idea after all.

-Watching it would be a nice reminder that you really should wash your dishes and maybe vacuum your place next weekend.    

-It would be a swift reminder that you need Jesus.

-It’s not Iggy Azalea.

-Technology is not developed to the point where you can smell the performers.

-It’s still better than crust punk music.

 

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CONS:

-The obvious.

-This new industry will damage urban fauna ecosystems. 8 out of 10 mice, rats, raccoons, or stray dogs in urban environments that contract lice, fleas, ticks, and other disease carrying parasites contract them from direct contact with crusties.

-Uncomfortable feeling one gets when they realize that the only difference between you and them is one rent payment.

-Provides ISIS with completely legitimate fuel to hate Western Culture.

-It’s technically bestiality.

-Impending lawsuits from Pizza Hut as they have already patented the term “Stuffed Crust”.

-The inevitable The Simpsons porn-parody titled, “Krusty The Clown”.

-Sub-par pornographic filmography. Contrary to popular belief, crusties aren’t great actors or screenplay directors. These films will have inconsistent plots and little-to-no character development.  

-The strong possibility that history books will refer to our generation as “Millennials: The Generation of Crust Punk Porn.”

-Accidentally seeing your long lost cousin who dropped out of high school, ran away from home, and starting dating a 40 year assistant manager at a motorcycle repair shop. She’ll get her GED soon, she swears. At least she’s not around to bum your smokes anymore.

-Special Edition DVDs with commentary provided by Henry Rollins.

-You can probably get the sweat stains out of the set with baking soda, but THE STINK!

-Technology may develop soon to the point where you can smell the performers.

-The crusties in these sin-films all know who GG Allin is. You know who GG Allin is. How does that make you feel?

There it is folks, weigh these pros and cons out to decide if crust punk pornography is something that we, as a society, need. Think independently. Think rebellious. Think free. Quit your job. Live with your girlfriend and your dog behind the local head shop in a van with no wheels. Be unsure if you got hepatitis from your tattoo from a pen and lighter or from that girl that robbed you a month and a half ago, the way God intended. Let’s put this whole thing behind us and hope we don’t end up a footnote in the next chapter of The Decline of Western Civilization.

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