Crackin’ Skulls Freestyle: Vukari’s Divination Reviewed

These shores are crowded, friends.

Turn back while you can. See those boats behind you? Those vessels overbooked with seasick passengers just like you? You’ve been coming over in droves for nigh on a decade now and it is killing us. Can’t you see there’s no room for more of you? No, they’ve taken your eyes? Well then, use your nose. Take a whiff. Whaddayasmell? Not food, I can tell you. There’s no more food. Those gluttons in Wolves in the Throne Room and fucking…fucking Alcest have gobbled it all up, leaving none for our children and certainly none for you. And what’s left for us to eat? Nothing but scraps, crumbs and of course our own excrement—which is produced in greater volume than the scraps and crumbs, as you might guess. We eat dogs too sometimes. Puppies? No, what kind of monster would eat a puppy? Go back to whatever puppy-eating pit you crawled out of and leave post-black metal alone.

Wait, wait—what did you say your name was? Vukari? Spell it. V-u-k-a-r-i. Well shit. You’re on the list, kids. Hey Marty, let ’em off the boat. No, don’t crack their skulls. You can start cracking skulls once they’re off the boat. Better yet, fire up that cannon over yonder and sink the rest of ’em into the cold black bowels of Neptune. But listen to me, Valkyrie—what?, oh yes, sorry, Vukari. Listen well: You boys are the last fucking post-black metal band I am letting on these shores, you hear? I mean it. No more after you. We’re at capacity. Not a square-inch patch of free space to stand on over here, no sirs. So, uh…clearly you’ve brought no money with you. In which case you’ll have to sing for your supper. Why not play us a little ditty?

Huh. That wasn’t so bad. What did you think, Marty? Doesn’t sound like Motörhead? Shut up Marty—you don’t know jack about nothin’. Quit clowning around and crack some skulls already—preferably starting with the skulls of those dweebs in Deafheaven trying to sneak back into the country after all their gear and passports and DNA were stolen at a festival in Bosnia-Herzegovina. Boo-fuckin’-hoo. I don’t care how nice the screamy one’s hair is—crack his fuckin’ skull and send the rest packing until it’s time for their cash-cow 20 Year Reunion…


I’m sorry you had to see that, Vukari. That was brutal. But say, what’ve you got to bring to the table that’s new? Nothing new, you say? Okay well whaddayagot that’s old? Compositions stretching from one horizon to another, pleasant chords and simple earworm leads, moments of ponderous quietude bookended by raging post-hardcore riffage, effects-laden interlude tracks…yup, it all checks out. Your favorite record is Altar of PlaguesWhite Tomb, you say? We never would have guessed. We don’t strictly need any more of that shit, we’ve got it coming out of our ears already, but at the very least we must commend you for playing with palpable grit and vinegar. And for not phoning it in with critical-mass reverb and directionless chord-salads like so many of those about-to-have-their-skulls-cracked losers that came to these shores with you. You know what you want to sound like, and you sound exactly like it. Good on you, champ! If this were five years ago we’d be all over this like rice on flies. No, wait. Like mice on shit? I don’t know. Too bad it’s not five years ago anymore. It is now. And as of right now we have very limited reserves of praise to heap upon bands of your ilk. Wait though! I’ve got one solitary kudo left in my pocket, and it’s yours for somehow managing to pen a post-black metal album we were able to sit through without tying cinderblocks to our midsections and leaping into the sea.

Now off with you before I change my mind and let Marty have at you. Who’s that behind you? An Autumn for Something or Other? Marty! Get your club! It’s time to see some brains!

3/5 Flaming Toilets ov Hell


Bindrune Recordings will release Vukari’s Divination on CD on August 1st. In the meantime, you can purchase the digital at Bandcamp.

(Band Photo VIA)

  • Richter? More like Rektr.

  • They should of hired CyberneticOrganism to take their band photo. That camera quality sucks. Look at the grainy shit.

  • Richter does the writing real good. I want to hang up a life-sized fathead of him in my bedroom.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Not even gonna bother with the musics, I’m just here for the writings.

    • Joaquin Stick

      He’s pretty dead on. It’s kinda exactly what I expected. Not bad, but not thrilling.

  • Dubbbz

    Richter, I Don’t Hate This Review.

    • I do. :/

      • Eliza

        It’s great in my opinion. It captures your reaction and opinion of the album very well.

      • more beer

        So tell us how you really feel? It was a pretty great review. Very honest.

  • Post-black-metal >>>>>>>.

    My jimmies are tingling a good rn.

  • Hans Müller

    Excellent writing, but I’m afraid Deafheaven and An Autumn for Crippled Children have gained a foothold on the island whilst The Flenser was distracting the guards.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Cracking stuff man. And good point made.I mean, I sure do loves me some post black metal, but sometimes it gets to be there’s so much of the stuff I’m like “Hey man, unhand my feels”

  • Eliza

    There was a post black album ealier this year by Show Me A Dinosaur that I really enjoyed and I think it’s better that this, not that I think it’s bad or anything. If you like this you’ll like that too.

    • Waynecro

      Thanks for the tip!

  • Owlswald

    I really like this album. Yes, they wear their influences on their sleeves but frankly I don’t care. The songwriting is strong and the post-black metal “Isis” flavor, in spots, is a welcome sound to my ears. I definitely tend to gravitate towards this side of the black metal spectrum. All this said, the review summarizes the album well and was an enjoyable read.

  • Waynecro

    You write with “palpable grit and vinegar,” Richter. Great work!

    • At first I wondered who you were quoting. Derrrrrrp.

      • Waynecro

        Ha! This is a problem you experience when you become quotable. Congratulations!