Cooking for Metalheads, Vol. 2: From Fear Through the Eyes of Lolbuttz

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This Young Chip Dip Checked His Facebook When He Got Home. You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next!

Sadness. Sadness is what happened next.

The Avocado Who Spawned Me can be pretty heartless.

The Avocado Who Spawned Me can be pretty heartless.

Yes, those are the exact hurtful words my mother, the Matriarch Avocado, sent to me. I think it’s pretty safe to say that I’ve long since run out of Good Boy Points, so in order to regain said points as rapidly as possible, I’ve decided to cook her favourite pasta dish. That oughta do me for a couple of months’ worth of Good Boy Points, and maybe a Grimmy Jimmy on the side!

 

PASTA WITH BOILED DOWN TOMATO SAUCE

(There’s probably a catchier title, but I don’t know it.)

Ingredients:

Always cook with good ingredients if you want good flavour.

Always cook with good ingredients if you want good flavour.

—  1 Can plum tomatoes (with or without basil leaf – your choice)

—  A big heaping spoonful of butter

—  Half a yellow onion

—  Pasta

—  Cheese (of your choice; today I’m using Jarlsberg)

—  Salt

 

Hardware:

—  2 pots

NOTES: This recipe, while time consuming, is not difficult to make, and requires very few ingredients. It has the added benefit of being incredibly delicious. I do feel the need to warn the weakest of our readers: this shit is rich. It’s not for the faint of heart.

The above quantities will serve 1 fatass (like me!) or 2 Paris Hiltons (she keeps writing Swelling to the Jammiez, but the only thing “swelling” about her is her “pecs”!). Roughly 1.5 Joe Thrashnkills would be filled, or it could be split evenly by W., the Masterlord, and Leif Bearikson for a romantic three-way.

DIRECTIONS:

1. Dump the can of tomatoes in a pot.

The beginnings of what will eventually be Good Boy Points!

The beginnings of what will eventually be Good Boy Points!

2. Throw in the half an onion and the butter. Turn to medium heat.

3. Stir the pot often, bringing it to a slow boil. You may need to turn the heat up early on to start the tomatoes cooking, but be sure to bring it back down. As the sauce simmers, continue to reduce the heat slowly. This part will take between 1 – 2 hours, depending on how thick you want the sauce.

4. Chop up the tomatoes with your spoon.

It should still be runny at this point, but with small pieces of tomato. Leave no large chunks un-molested!

It should still be runny at this point, but with small pieces of tomato. Leave no large chunks un-molested!

5. Keep stirring that bitch. You don’t want to burn the bottom (this is why low heat is mandatory). Also, DON’T COVER IT. The point is to evaporate the moisture, and if you cover it you’ll be cooking for hours with no result.

Nice and thick. There should be approximately half the volume of sauce in the pot now compared to when you started.

Nice and thick. There should be approximately half the volume of sauce in the pot now compared to when you started.

6. Once your tomato sauce looks like the above picture, fill a pot with water, salt it, and bring it to boil.

7. As soon as you’ve put the water on the stove, set your oven to broil (high heat).

8. Once your water is boiling, cook your pasta. When it’s ready (al dente, motherfuckers), drain it. Turn off the heat on your tomato sauce (unless you feel it could use a little more time, in which case, continue simmering and stirring).

This bitch is ready to get toasted.

This bitch is ready to get toasted.

9. Place your pasta in a bowl. Dump the tomato sauce and grated cheese on top.

10. Your oven should be ready by now. Place the entire bowl in the oven, and let the cheese melt until it has reached your desired level of melted/browned.

11. Let it cool, and then eat! You’ve earned it, champ.

VICTORY!

VICTORY!

 

ALCOHOL PAIRING:

Normally, I would recommend a beer with most food I cook, but with this particular dish the tomatoes will overpower most anything. To this end, a bottle of Amontillado (or in lieu of a good Amontillado, a dry sherry) would perfectly contrast the sweet, rich flavour of the reduced tomatoes and cleanse the palate in between bites. Serve slightly chilled.

ALBUM PAIRING:

This dish is classic, rich, Italian food. I can foresee two situations in which you will be consuming it:

1. Alone – you poor, miserable bastard. I feel for you. At least, after hours of slaving away, you will enjoy the fruits of your labour free of competition. Uncork that bottle, get your fork in hand, and rock out. Stuff your face to this tasty jam:

 

2. In the company of a significant other – you poor, miserable bastard. Having to slave away only to have the person you spend too much time with be unappreciative of your hard work? Unacceptable. However, your effort may–if you’re lucky–reward itself with a Grimmy Jimmy (or a Grimmy Kimmy for the ladies), so you’ve gotta set the mood. Light some candles, don’t slurp when you eat, and have this bad boy playing softly in the background.

IN CONCLUSION: It turns out that my mother didn’t want a peace offering, so I’m still short quite a few Good Boy Points of a Chicken Tendie. At least I have this delicious pasta dish to enjoy.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

BUT WAIT. . .  THERE’S MORE!

When writing this article, I asked our illustrious writing team to photoshop some kvlt pictures of myself for the featured image, and they delivered in true Toilet fashion. I couldn’t let these gems go to waste, so I present to you: Glock Jim ist Krieg Gallery! (click to enlarge all images)

That novel gets me steamy.

By: The Masterlord

I'm sorry, Hubert.

By: W.

I look super badass.

By: Tyree

Grvm unt frostbuttin'

By: 365 Days of Horror

By: 365 Days of Horror

By: 365 Days of Horror

By: 365 Days of Horror

By: 365 Days of Horror

 

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

A huge shout out to the crew at The Toilet ov Hell for responding to my request with such glorious artwork!

Words cannot express how thankful I am to Stockhausen for providing the amazing cover photo.

Also, many thanks to my good friend Phia P. for providing me with enough insults to emotionally cripple even the most confident of individuals.

(Embedded image via)

Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!
  • Dagon

    IDK if I told you guys but all these pictures of Guacamole are hanging in the wall in front of my bed. I use them for inspiration and ALWAYS have the best dreams since putting them there.

    • Guacamole Jim

      They are truly soothing to the soul.

      • Dagon

        And arousing to the… heart.

    • Pagliacci is Kvlt O)))

      Tyree’s is going to look nice hanging next to the dead animals on my bedroom wall.

    • Dagon

      I was about to comment that when I took English lessons (ages 8-13) I did a play with my best friend where we enacted The Cask Of Amontillado.

      I was the dude getting bricked at the end, lol.

    • Scrimm

      I was gonna say I had a cask of that shit in my basement.

    • Mother Shabubu III

      That’s what your arteries will end up looking like with all the butter in that sauce.

      • Guacamole Jim

        I’ve never worried about my arteries. I always felt that chain smoking three packs a day would get me before my blood passages ever could.

  • Tyreeling In The Years
  • Also, hard lol @ “Grimmy Kimmy”

  • Eat, Pray, Guac.

    • Guacamole Jim

      My work here is done.

    • I really, really hope whoever follows that doesn’t see that greentext.

      • I really, really hope they do.

        • You’re a madman.

          • Stockhausen

            Some men just want to watch the world mad. I mean, burn. Watch the burn mad. Wait, dangit. Some mad just want…no that’s not right. Some Don Drapers just burn to want the mad watch. Yeah. That’s it.

          • Somehow I doubt we’re getting any brand new visitors to THIS post who think “y’know, this is the food/metal blog for me”.

          • “Hey, I will try to check this Toilet blog. The name is very funny, it got a lot of comments, they post food and they say that they like Heavy Metal music. I like Metallica and AC/DC so.. Why not?”

          • Guacamole Jim

            Are you kidding? I give the masses what they want! Already various prolific food blogs are raving on twitter about the magnificence of my combination of metal and Italian food. You just watch, Mr. Thrashnkill. This will be the post that makes us big.

          • Enemy Of The Free World

            … in r/tendies.

          • omg that exists why

          • Enemy Of The Free World
          • Guacamole Jim

            I am truly speechless.

          • well. It already have 214 views! :O

          • JvRv

            What post has the most pageviews? I linked to the one post long ago about the Lord of the Rings inspired music and I saw it got a ton of views…@joethrashnkill:disqus care to shed some light, or is it taboo secret editor only bourgeois knowledge too?

          • Guest

            HOLY FLUSH
            makin bank on that Toilet ad space with all these pageviews, Joe Cashnkill

          • Ha. If I ever make a dime from this place it almost certainly will not be through selling ad space.

          • JvRv

            Maybe on a different browser my gifs will work.

          • NefariousDude

            From ingestion to digestion the toilets got u covered

      • ToH breaking into the mainstream with some crazy greentext.jpg

        • We’ll be that GBP blog.

          • “We’re a GBP blog now”

          • Guacamole Jim

            THIS

          • Stockhausen

            We should set up an official GBP exchange for page views and referrals.

          • JVVG

            I prefer to trade in Euros.

          • Maik Beninton

            GBP?

      • JVVG

        I am a bit ashamed both that I had to look up ‘greentext’…

        …and that I still don’t get it.

        • I don’t really get it either, but what is is:
          >a story
          >told one line at a time
          >with a carrot every line
          >all in green text
          >came from 4chan

  • Tyreeling In The Years

    Your oven top is is crusty as fuck. I never clean the oven top. Got to keep dem flavor crystals

    • Guacamole Jim

      I live in a house with four other musicians. We never, ever clean.

      • Tyreeling In The Years

        Musicians never have a clean kitchen. Dirty dishes and beer bottles/cans everywhere most all the time.

        • Scrimm

          Just the kitchen? Nope, EVERYWHERE.

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            Yeah, you are right.

          • Scrimm

            When you look in your bathroom trash and realize it’s full of beer cans/bottles>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            Or in the shower. That happens a lot surprisingly.

          • Akerskronks ov Steele

            There better be some in the shitter as well Mister! That could cost you Grind points.

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            I’ve taken a shit while drinking a beer before. Not sure if I ever placed a can/bottle in the shitter though.

          • Akerskronks ov Steele

            It makes for charming aesthetic.

          • Lacertilian

            Next step is to reach the critical triple point of drinking a beer whilst shitting in the shower.

          • Scrimm

            I was chugging some hair of the dog in the shower just last weekend.

          • more beer

            Every room in the house!

          • Scrimm

            Don’t even get me started on our rehearsal studio. Sometimes our guests would clean it up because we never did.

          • more beer

            That is how it is supposed to be. I would ne disappointed in you of it wasn’t. No time to clean there is metal to be made.

          • Scrimm

            Only time we ever cleaned was if we were all out of herb and searching for some.

          • more beer

            That is a dam good reason!

          • empty bottles on the bathroom vanity…

          • Scrimm
          • Lacertilian

            I can’t stop laughing at @James_Jimmy_Mcnulty:disqus ‘s comment followed by this .gif.

          • Scrimm

            I thought it was pretty funny too.

        • more beer

          Metal heads in general don’t clean their kitchens. Beer bottles everywhere is an obligation. Plus if you are drinking something good with a cool label they become decorations.

  • Tyreeling In The Years

    I’ll have to put Axl’s head on None So Vile.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkNbTS7uhLE

  • How much GBP for a Grimmy Jimmy?

    • Guacamole Jim

      If you have to ask…

    • you’re not asking the right person…

  • The God Emperor of Mankind

    It seems Mrs. Avocado thinks you’re a…Low Life! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7pWh5HYI44 YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

  • For Guacamelee:

    1. Thanks for the recipe, I will try to do it if I buy some onions and tomatos.

    2. any advice doing the recipe with REAL tomatos? (not canned, I consume organic real venezuelan stuff, not that gringo stuffed food with hormones and 911 clinton bullsh*t) I have some ideas, but I want to know if you can help me with other ones.

    3. Awesome the grilled part! Thanks! I never thought about that, we didn’t used too much the oven in my house because our oven is damaged, but with my new kitchen in the #LinkCave I think I can try to use it.

    4. Mozarella cheese would be good with that too 😉

    5. I think I will acompany that with Coca-Cola because cultural reasons.

    6. I want to cook something for any of you, for real D:

    7. No excuses: clean your grim black merol kitchen! You will have a severe diarrea jajajaja!!

    8. KVLT SHVTTERSTOCK TO ILUSTRATE:

    http://thumb101.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/713761/713761,1325073290,13/stock-photo-dirty-kitchen-pile-of-filthy-dishes-infested-with-roaches-91582082.jpg

    9. #StayGuac

    • Guacamole Jim

      1. I’ve never tried making it with fresh tomatoes. I can imagine the process is very similar, but would probably take more time, attention, and care (and you might have to add some water initially to get the correct consistency).

      2. Mozza would be fantastic. Really, just about any cheese you like would work well. It’s a forgiving dish.

      3. <3

      • The only process I know is boiling them, peel them and then make a stuff with other vegetables and throwing to a pot.

        • Lacertilian

          Peeling them is a muck around, a muck around I avoid by just eating them

    • Call the Slambulance

      “That 911 Clinton bullshit” hahahahaha

    • i’ve seen some of the food you eat.
      would travel / 10

  • Based Tapir

    Pasta >>>>>>>>>>

    • You’re not correct often, Based Tapir, but when you are, you are fucking correct.

      • more beer

        He also eat’s his pants with pesto so there is that. But in his defense pesto is delicous.

      • Based Tapir

        I think you mean “You are always correct”

  • This looks quite tasty. I’m not a very good cook (to put it mildly) but I might give this a shot the next time I hit up the grocery store. Here’s my world famous beans and rice:
    1. Buy a can of beans and a bag of Uncle Ben’s rice you can heat up in 90 seconds.
    2. Heat them both up.
    3. Combine.
    4. Nom nom.

  • Also, the Glock Jim Tyree graphic is awesome and the last one with Dank Fiunerol jajaja!!

  • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

    Here’s a cocktail recipe for the people who don’t drink.

    The Royal Scammer’s Favorite Cola

    Requires
    -2 cans of your favorite cola
    -blueberry juice
    -maraschino cherries
    -your choice of food coloring

    1. Pour one of the cans of cola into a big glass
    2. Add 2 tbsp blueberry juice
    3. Pour next can of cola
    4. Add maraschino cherries
    5. Add food coloring of your choice
    6. Enjoy!

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
  • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

    To go with my non alcoholic cocktail here’s a recipe for General Aja’s Chicken.

    http://www.food.com/recipe/general-tsos-chicken-164706?photo=366212

    Note: This is just General Tso Chicken with a Steely dan album title in place of Tso.

  • Tyreeling In The Years
  • Enemy Of The Free World

    Food>>>>
    Food and Alcohol>>>>>>>>>>>><

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
    • Tyreeling In The Years

      This one is a burner!

      That intro riff is so crushing.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Guest lead vocals by Jon Nodtveidt to boot.

        • Tyreeling In The Years

          SICK!

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
  • KJM
  • Tyree’s photochop >>>

  • “Always cook with good ingredients if you want good flavour.”
    so THAT’S what i’ve been doing wrong!

    • Guacamole Jim

      Man, you’d be amazed. It seems like obvious advice, but so many people just buy the cheapest food they can, and then wonder why their cooking tastes like the sweaty ass of a tapir. Always start with quality!!

      • HEY! 🙁 LEAVE TAPIR OUT OF THIS! 🙁 🙁 🙁

        • Based Tapir

          Here we see how Guac Jim is a racist towards us Tapirkin. Always oppressing us!

          • Guacamole Jim

            Fuck you, Tapirkin! We don’t like yer kind ’round hurr. Now scuze me while I sodumize my brother, hyuk hyuk

            http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxwrxgZ5QW1qk76ppo1_500.jpg

          • Based Tapir

            I am deeply offended by what you have said and I will sue you for defamation. See you in court, fucker!

          • Guacamole Jim

            Good thing I only posted the vegetarian version of this dish. The original relies heavily on Tapir meat…

          • Based Tapir

            You better watch out, because a drive-by is waiting for you.

          • Guacamole Jim

            I’m sorry, I just can’t take your threats seriously when you’re so adorable: http://ambergriscaye.com/critters/art/critters-tapir2.jpg

          • Based Tapir

            That’s our weapon. People go “oh how cute”, come close and then we bite their fucking hands of and shank them. Viva la revolución!

      • Enemy Of The Free World

        But I like the sweaty ass of tapir 🙁

        • Based Tapir

          Damn fucking straight you do!

      • note: i actually can’t cook, i would only be wasting the quality ingredients

        • We should take a cooking class 2gether.

        • I’m not a chef, but I have to learn a few recipes because I live alone 🙁

        • more beer

          I approve of the name change. That is a skill you should acquire. I`ve never had a girlfriend who was a better cook than me. Plus being able to say, I`ll cook if you do the dishes is a sweet deal..

      • Based Tapir

        HEY! My sweaty ass tastes delightful, thank you very much!

      • this dish looks wonderful. i could put down a lot of red wine whilst waiting for that sauce to boil!

        • Guacamole Jim

          That’s the best part. Then by the time it’s ready to go, you’re proper sloshed.

  • JVVG

    Here’s another article series to which I’d like to contribute, except my expertise pretty much begins and ends with how to make a proper cup of tea.

    …oh. And either a stuffed eggplant or a veggie (filled) meatloaf recipe I’d just be plagiarising from an existing metal cookbook anyway.

    • VVayne Brady

      I think a few people here could get down with tea. @masterlordsteeldragon:disqus’s wrists are certainly dainty enough for it.

  • I will give this dish a shot after my wife has the baby. She has pregnancy diabetes so the diet is strict right now. I eat healthy in general so I don’t mind getting a little sloppy every once in a while.

    • Guacamole Jim

      This dish is by far not the worst thing you can eat (especially if your ingredients are quality), but it’s not something you want to eat all the time (for the sake of your heart).

      • Yeah I’ll probably spend the extra dough and get some quality ingredients.

  • JVVG

    I just noticed that the Matriarch Avocado sounds very *very* British. I haven’t read anyone use the words “chav”, “manky” or “gormless” since I stopped posting on the weebls-stuff forums ages ago…

    Also, same line, “I hope you mom realized how stupid you are” is a very strange thing for your mother to have said. It’s as though she’s confessing to having a multiple-personality disorder, only one of which is Your Mom.

    Also also:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vN5pkn5L62E

  • KJU’s Breakdancing Bodybags

    Little recipe of my own I’ll pass down to you.

    -Medium shell pasta
    -Spinach artichoke dip
    -dried cranberries
    -shrimp or tuna, depending on your tastes

    Mix together, with some crumbled ritz crackers on top.

  • KJU’s Breakdancing Bodybags
  • KJU’s Breakdancing Bodybags
  • Brouroboris

    Damn it Tyree, be a little more talented why dont you.

  • IronLawnmower

    oh christ it’s infected the main website now.

    WHY DID I POST IT WHY.