Clash of the Hybrids: Pizza vs. Burgers

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Pizza and burgers. The kings of the Western food world. Atop the food pyramid these titans sit, locked in a sort of perpetual truce. Should one of them be snubbed in favour of the other on one drunken Friday night, they care not. For they know that the battle runs long. A single weekend matters not in the struggle eternal. In the past, humankind has naively tried to merge the bloodlines. The results, unsuccessful. As with their attempts to fuse other apex predators, the offspring proved sterile, or just outright comical. When will we learn?

Last night was a big one. You drank things. You know this. Partly because your brain is thumping profusely with every millilitre of poisoned blood being forcibly pumped through its complex labyrinth of capillaries. Partly because your tongue is firmly cemented to the roof of your mouth. Or maybe it’s because your wallet is empty…and happens to be sitting on the kebab-stained back seat of a taxi somewhere in the city. Either way, your state of opprobrium is deserved.

It’s now 3pm on a Saturday. Your abused stomach tentatively gurgles. Surely the punishment will not continue?! It hasn’t heard a rumble from old mate liver all morning. He was up working all night after all, poor dude. He didn’t ask for this. There’s only one thing that can get all your organs back on your side. In search of a peace offering, your mind scrambles. Pizza? Burger? No. You’ve gone too far this time. You really need to pull something out of the proverbial hat. “I’m going to make pizza burgers!” you exclaim as the pitiful sack of skin you’re confined within awkwardly rises from the foetal-shaped trench you’ve habitually carved in your lounge. Is this really the best idea to attempt in your current state? You know when your wife, currently deep into the third trimester of pregnancy, says upon your proposal “Ok…but you are an idiot”, that you have problems are on the path to glory.

Half-way to the supermarket you realise the haphazard nature of your trial. Only accounting for one section of the punnett square of possible phenotypes would be an insult to the divine deities of both food groups, your kitchen, and Mendel himself. No, this simply would not suffice. To appease both your curiosity and the gods themselves, both the pizza burger and burger pizza must be attempted.

Knowing full well that there was a high probability of either, or both, of these hybrids becoming a total monstrosity, you decide to keep things restricted to a fairly basic standard. After all, it wouldn’t really be anything even close to an equitable experiment if an excess of fancy toppings skewed the salivation toward one of the final products over the other. But which to try first? The decision making process was hastened by the desire to eat everything that is not already located in your digestive tract. Which would be quicker? You guessed it, first up, the pizza burger!


Pizza Burger Trial

Toppings –

  • Tomato base sauce (w/ fresh Garlic, Thyme, Oregano & Marjoram)
  • Red capsicum
  • Spanish salami
  • Some leaves (Spinach and Rocket)
  • Pesto
  • Cheese

20160521_175922 20160521_180003 20160521_180014

Above: Pizza Burger (Mk.I) – Yes, I made two, for…uhhh…scientific reasons. Replication is everything. [Click pics to expand]

 

Observations –

This was easier to create than a standard burger. The longest part of the process was reducing the tomato base sauce. The lazy among us could further hasten this part by skipping this step completely and just using some sort of tomato sauce, although it should be known that you are casu(a)l scum and are about to dine on a bourgeois burger.


Burger Pizza Trial

Toppings –

  • Tomato base sauce
  • Smokey Worcestershire Beef Burger Mix (Lizard ™)
  • Bacon
  • Tomato
  • Pineapple
  • More leaves
  • Red Onion
  • Cheese

20160527_180309 20160527_180338 20160527_180348

Above: Burger Pizzas (Mk.I & Mk.II). [Click pics to expand]

Observations –

In contrast to the pizza burger, the burger pizza took a considerably longer time to make, actually longer than what it normally takes for my regular pizzas. This was due to having to prepare and cook the burger meat (and bacon) prior to topping the bases. As you can see from the picture, I ended up making two (again, for science). One of which was meant to represent a sort of standard cheese and bacon burger. The other ended up sitting somewhere between a BLT and an Aussie burger “with the lot” (sans beetroot and egg, lettuce subbed for other greens). Although, I must admit, the final product was pretty damn similar to a supreme-style pizza, which isn’t really a bad thing I suppose.


Conclusion

While both were fucking awesome, and even though they share the same parents, they are two surprisingly different beasts. The pizza burger is surely a winner in the short-term, with its less labour intensive creation process putting you closer to that hedonistic gratification you unashamedly desire. However, like a good grind album, the proviso of the quick-fix is that it comes at the cost of a deeper, more resounding sense of satisfaction that can only be achieved through submitting to something more demanding. This is exactly where the burger pizza excels. The extra prep-work pays for itself many times over in terms of “THIS. I MUST BE EATING THIS AT ALL TIMES. FROM THIS DAY FORTH I WILL ONLY EAT THIS” and such.

Above: Quick fix.
Below: Deep hit.

So there you have it. In the clash of the hybrids, the only clear winner was clogged arteries. Has anyone else tried either one of these combinations before? I know some fast-food chains periodically spawn vile versions of a similar theme. Maybe you splice the genes of other foods? Tell us about your mutant foods, or ideas for what you’d like to see happen through artificial selection, go nuts, open swim etc.


(Images via, via, viavia)

  • Lacertilian

    Also, today I tried Stan’s BBQ Brisket recipe from last week. Was pretty damn tasty. Put it on before cricket today, came home all beer’d up and hungry as fuck. Added some extra vegetables to clear out the fridge before shopping tomorrow.
    wouldrecommend/ProfuseSalivation.

    • tigeraid

      Now THAT is an epic plate.

    • Stanley

      Ah, yes. There you go! That meat looks like fall-apart-goodness, but looks like it’s missing some sauce. Slather that stuff on top.

      • Lacertilian

        There was more spooned over during, got heaps of leftovers for work today too. Good stuff.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Your path to glory was GLORIOUS!
    This was so cool! And those look damn good Lizard King. I’m grilling later today. Regular burgers though. I wonder what my soundtrack will be…

    • Lacertilian

      Nucleus?

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Actually it was The Atomic Bitchwax, Brutus, Black Wizard and James Gang.

        • Lacertilian

          Which Brutus? This is important.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            …the new one
            Out in the park, it was all I had.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          Yay, James Gang!

  • tigeraid

    TIL The Toilet was bought by Harley Morenstein. Or possibly Guy Fieri.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Also, your use of the punnett square was superb. Science!

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    Burgers are like death metal and pizza is like black metal. The quality levels of burgers don’t fluctuate too much, but with a pizza a bad one is just saddening.

    • Mother Shabubu

      Clearly you’ve never had a bad burger. I have. It is very saddening.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Puts a tear in my eye.

    • Sir Tapir The Based

      Burgers are like death metal and pizza is like black metal. Burgers are mostly shit, but pizza is almost always good.

  • Scrimm

    Speaking of food, went to a pretty good barbecue place yesterday, food was p. killer, but The seat I got was facing a wall about 5 feet away. On said wall was a large tv playing diners drive ins and dives. Too close to effectively avoid looking at. Such a combo of awesome and abominable.

    • shouldve told your waitress that you couldnt eat with that playing on the tv

      • Scrimm

        She was kinda cute and the only one working, didn’t want to bug more more than needed.

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          Good man.

        • you should have impressed her by saying “miss, can you turn this off and turn on the big sports game? i hear it’s the big important game!” girls looooooove sports guys.

  • i think this shows the burger pizza > pizza burger

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      You’re basing that on musical preference!

    • Eliza

      The burger pizza looks as if my stomach wouldn’t be harmed if I ate it. I don’t think I could finish the pizza burger.

  • Scrimm

    Maybe you coud just be lazy and eat a pizza and burger at the same time.

  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    There is no hamburger patty on the burgers you made. It is a false burger and only a sandwich.

    • Lacertilian

      The meatballs were made from burger patty mix.
      The other was supposed to have pizza toppings on a burger bun.
      If you insist, I will try it again though.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        For science!

    • Mother Shabubu

      You’re a false burger.

  • I’m making pesto burgers with the wife today. Very easy, just a burger topped with provalone, cheese, pesto and avocado. Hardest part is making the pesto which any pleeb should be able to handle.

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Tasty.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Putting guacamole on a hamburger is so good.

    • broheim, when i form my own turkey burgers i add a few special ingredients. one of those is… PESTO! high fiver, dude

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    How about making a burger with two personal pizzas as buns?

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Easy there Randall…

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Ross plz! I dont eat healthy!

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          You know, you could change that.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I’ve tried. It never works

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Time to get all Yoda on you…
            Do or do not, there is no try. You need to stick with it if it is something you want to accomplish.

          • you’ve tried eating healthy, and it never works. did i really just read that? hopefully it’s more like “maybe i’m just blind…” (3 doors down)

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Jimmy plz! 3 Doors Down suck!

          • Groo The Wanderer

            Healthy eating? Your kind is not wanted here! Next you’re gonna

            tell us we don’t have to put bacon and cheese on everything.

  • is it time to start drinking yet?

  • Mother Shabubu

    Dude your food always looks so good.

    • Lacertilian

      Thonks man. Just goes to show, if a damned lizard can make stuff, anyone can!

      • you’re too humble. IF YOU GOT IT FLAUNT IT, M9

      • Mother Shabubu

        I’ve been binge watching Bourdain’s shows and I want to cook. I’m making salsa bandera tomorrow as a start.

        • Lacertilian

          Cooking>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Cooking shows.

          • Mother Shabubu

            Well, it’s not really a cooking show as much as an educational show about places with a good dose of food porn in there.

  • EsusMoose

    Gonna reheat some chinese food and pizza for meals today, shall continue to be jealous of the lizards culinary creations

    • Mother Shabubu

      I reheated half of my cuban press sandwich for yesterday. It was still delicious.

    • Lacertilian

      Leftover Chinese>>>

      • EsusMoose

        I guess I’m going to have leftover chinese AND pizza. God help me for I may not be able to move.

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          Chinese pizzas?

          • EsusMoose

            I don’t want to know what those would be like

  • BTW, haven’t seen a certain King in a while. a King of a specific kind of Mountain. i find myself missing the rascal, though we never did much more than bond over which actresses were >>>>>>.
    King, if you see this, hope you’re doing well! hope you’re enjoying MDF or something else fun.

    • ME GORAK B.C.™

      NOT ENUFF KINGS @ TOILET LATELY : ( !!!!!!!!!!!!

      • off the top of my head there used to be God, the King of Mankind. who else are you thinking (if anyone)?

        • ME GORAK B.C.™

          KING OV NEW YORK 2!!!!!!!!!!!

          • good call. sorry to forget about the great FRANK!! he’ll be back, i think

          • Eliza

            I miss him.

          • he knows he’s our Prodigal Son (Iron Maiden) and can return at any time 😉

          • Eliza

            I hope he will. Also, Prodigal Son m/

          • (yup, i knew you’d catch that one eliza!)

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Same here.

          • Eliza

            I wonder why he hasn’t come here lately.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            He’s taking a break frm the metal blog world for a while. Focusing his attention on his own collection and what he feels is important. He also said something about writing for a Belgian website, i think. He should be back at some point though

          • Eliza

            I see. I wish he’d doing fine.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            I’m sure he is.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            I hope he will.

          • Groo The Wanderer

            He said before that he’d be coming back. IIRC, I think he’s still over in China on a business trip.

  • Eliza

    I like pizza and I think burgers are ok sometimes, but I think they should stay separate. Putting them together seems like too much at once.

    • i know this would SEEM obvious to a human being… unless it’s in America unfortunately.

      • JWEG

        See also: “how many marginally-edible things can we Deep Fry?”

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          To include beer and twinkies… *shudder

          • Groo The Wanderer

            And now there’s deep fried mayo balls.

        • Groo The Wanderer

          Are we talking about America or England? :-p

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          That’s a Scottish thing too

      • Eliza

        Well, I hat shwarma once and didn’t feel hungry for the rest of the say, so that’s part of it.

        • NICE! i have had that a few times and find it positively delicious. did you enjoy yours?

          • Eliza

            Yes, it was really tasty.

  • JWEG

    Half of this Vs. reminded me of…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZEgx2wuh0w

    Comic Book Nerd Note: not to be mistaken as an endorsement of the program (other than one or two episodes). It’s not half as good a show as the first Teen Titans, which wasn’t half as good as Young Justice anyway. And none even hold a candle to the actual comics.

    • Eliza

      This show… I hate this show.

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Young Justice>>>>>>>

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      JWEG plz! This show is an abomination!

  • Stockhausen

    Excellent experiment, Lizard. I will attempt to replicate it for my own studies.
    Pizza Burger: *orders a large pizza, folds in half a bunch and smashes between two buns*
    Burger Pizza: *orders another pizza, smears contents of Big Mac across*
    Nailed it.

  • EsusMoose

    I guess it’s actually burgers for lunch. Relevant information! Also sunday listen of the Ocean was good. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ocq2sWK6CzM

    • Pelagial was so brilliant. a good note to end on, i suppose

      • EsusMoose

        They didn’t break up, or at least I feel like I’m interpreting your comment wrong. I did learn there are still special editions of pelegial cd’s for like 45 euros so like 53 real monies(49.99 real monies actually).

        • i thought they were finished. i HOPE that is bad information. something about a member of the band being a big diva perhaps? if you know something, if you can give me a ray of hope!!!

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I don’t know anything about these guys. I do know a lot about Mountain though. Their drummer’s solo band is coming here to play music from Mountain and other bands he was in. Ginger Baker’s son is also going to be performing.

          • no. you aren’t hijacking this.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Jimmy plz! Yes I am! You should see how much I know about James Gang and The Guess Who!

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Wrong spot. James Gang and Guess Who are farther down.

          • EsusMoose

            Ah I was wondering what was happening and now I know

          • Groo The Wanderer
          • EsusMoose

            Yeah they have an new album supposedly coming soon they also had a split with Mono last year that was great, this was their track https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTjx3R4Najc

          • dang. i didn’t realize a huge band like The Ocean did splits. will gladly listen to this. is it as good as Palegial?

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Nothing is as good as The Zombies. Odessey and Oracle is a masterpiece.

          • EsusMoose

            No, I think the entire album was too good and the themes that kept returning were fantastic. I think it was Lacertilian that described is as one riff throughout the song. I do really like it, the post influence is heavy on it but those who want riff-city will be disappointed

          • i don’t listen to The Ocean for riffs. i save that for bands like Infernal War (h/t Tyree) or VI (h/t Lacertilian). The Ocean brings the feels, man. and the heavyness.

          • EsusMoose

            Then I think you’ll like it

          • i’m excited! back in the days before the Toilet, i used to farm souls in Demon’s Souls to The Ocean’s Heliocentric and/or Anthropocentric.

          • Lacertilian

            Those were cool albums, I think they’re called The Ocean Collective now for whatever reason..maybe to make themselves more search engine suitable?

          • Lacertilian

            *cough*The Great Cold*cough *

          • okay. i’ll look past those happy-go-lucky intro’s for a moment…

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            It is good Jimmy.

          • i can’t trust an album with every song spelled in capslock.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Can you trust Lizard King and me?

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Wise

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Seconded

  • Guacamole Jim
    • Lacertilian

      Woah!
      Keanu.jpg

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      I’ve had that

  • Count_Breznak

    For pre (or post) hangover facestuffing Döner Kebab is the way to go.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Pizzaburglars, eh? (RFI)

    • Lacertilian

      I wonder what they really look like though. The box always lies.

  • CT-12

    Godfather’s Pizza used to have a hamburger pizza that was bomb as hell

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    So I went on MeetMe and now I’m talking to a person who’s a methhead. I didn’t know they were. I’m not joking.

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    The secret is to cook with cast iron

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    No beetroot on the burger pizza. WTF?