Chris Barnes’s Twitter Account Is a Work of Found Poetry

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Roses are red, Violets are blue. Chris Barnes is on Twitter, that should excite you.

One can find art in just about anything. Some find beauty in the petals of a freshly bloomed flower. Others discover themselves in the fading light of an autumn sunset. There’s probably more than a few out there who just rub their eyes a lot and then stare directly into the sun. Still, there is one place where art is undeniable: Chris Barnes’ Twitter account.

Barnes, vocalist for Six Feet Under and former vocalist for Cannibal Corpse and one pretty good Torture Killer album, is no stranger to the finer points of crafting lyrical creativity. Would you expect anything less from the wordsmith who penned “Meat Hook Sodomy”, “I Cum Blood” and “Rancid Amputation”? After all, he does join a number of metal musicians starring in commercials as the spokesman for Park Auto Mall. That has to count for something!

Found poetry is where words, phrases, and even entire sentences are taken from various sources and placed together to form a poem. A good example of found poetry comes from the speeches of former U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. You can create found poetry yourself just by mashing together the headlines in a newspaper (or your preferred news website).

So why Chris Barnes? Well, the man certainly speaks his mind. Let’s combine a few tweets (the ones that aren’t retweets from PETA, Infowars, and various other questionable outlets) and see if it touches your soul:

cb8

I could see that taped on someone’s refrigerator, right next to Dilbert comic strip and last week’s shopping list.

chrisbarnestweet

With a little work, that could be a haiku.

cb4

All three tweets make a good point.

Just for funsies, let’s cobble together a few stand-alone tweets and see how they look.

chrisbarnesfoundpoetry

That would bring a tear to a glass eye. I think those worked out pretty well. I think we should give it one more shot.  In true Chris Barnes fashion, let’s end on a real high note.

chrisbarnestwittermagic

Shakespeare could not have said it better.

You can follow Chris Barnes at @sixfeetofficial and make your own found poetry.  Tune in next time when we’ll take All That Remains vocalist and “guy who probably has a closet just for fedoras” Phil Labonte‘s angry tweets and try to laugh through all the cringing.

phillabontehasangerissues

Jeez, dude. Get a better hobby.

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  • Vote for Jeb

    I mean, dude has a point about cashews. Where’s all that milk coming from, Focker?

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Derp.

    • Maik Beninton™

      Nice practice room.

      • There is no excuse to not practice blast beats, nah. Blast shits.

        • Maik Beninton™

          When you’re having a hard time you step up that double bass.

        • Would be pretty cool. The more you blast, the more you poop.

          Good for people with gastric problems.

          • Just don’t blow an O-ring.

    • What are them chocolate looking stains on yer snare head? Blood?

      GL

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Dude, you leaked the photos of TovH’s official studio! Fuck!

      #poopmetal

      • Hubert

        Shouldn’t the toilet seat be on fire?

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Clients were complaining (and dying).

      • Max

        Eddie Van Halen did actually have a recording studio in his toilet. Inspiration often struck at that time.

        • It must be nice to have all that money to do random shit like that. *Sigh*

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Random shit? In the toilet?

      • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa
    • Stockhausen

      If I knew I was listening to something that was recorded while defecating, I would like that thing more.

      • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

        Maybe I should but mega bass speakers on my toilet, so give those plops some extra oomph. It should sound like the foot steps of giants when I’m in there dropping some Cadberry eggs!

    • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa
  • DCLXVI

    classy

  • “ORIGINAL DEATH BUTT”

  • YEAH, BRO! ORIGINAL DEATH METAL 666 FROM HELL, SATAN AWAITS, GOREMASTER 5000, THIS IS ORIGINAL DEATH METAL TO CUM BLOOD, INJECT MARIJUANA AND GET ADDICTED TO UTERUS SKIN. YEAH!!!

    BRO!

    http://www.metal4.de/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/wacken-open-air-2012-six-feet-under.jpg

  • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

    Did he say fäggot on there three years ago too?

  • What’s wrong with that Phil Labonet guy?

    • *incoming shitstorm*

      • Vote for Jeb

        I think, in this particular circumstance, we can ignore most of his political leanings and focus on the fact that he’s a supporter of gamergate, which is a pretty silly group.

        • Ugh!

        • I will have to figure out what gamergate is before I can follow up to this.

          • Vote for Jeb

            Long story short: There was a big controversy over a video game journalist covering a game her boyfriend (?) made, and neckbeards have used it as the rally cry for issuing death threats and other forms of harassment to women who work in the game industry.

          • Hubert

            They’re also exceptionally skilled at down voting youtube video’s.

          • I would love to see evidence of this

          • Hubert

            Relevant bit starts at 1:50. Observe the comment section. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWElVmXXC6U

          • Maik Beninton™

            I’m scared to look.

          • This was a good video. Thanks!

          • Maik Beninton™

            I looked at the comments, God fucking dammit.

          • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

            I was watching a thing on YT about how to make shrimp and mango potstickers, and somehow it devolved into “die bitch die”, racism, sexism, anti-Obama rants and death threats. The derp was indeed legendary. Observe the comments section on this one.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tb-5QagMvis

          • Vote for Jeb
          • I feel like everyone is just trolling everyone else. Thoughts?

          • Vote for Jeb

            The people who legitimately use #gamergate are trolls, but not the kind of humorous trolls that repost avenged sevenfold fan’s comments. They’re the kind that make death threats and stalk people and post personal information about people and call the swat team to investigate people.

            So, you have a counterculture that is thriving off of making fun of those types.

          • Seems like that is crossing the line a bit. Dang

          • Maik Beninton™

            Gamergate looks like a group that would be easily ignored if it wasn’t for those types of people, the ones that yells the loudest are the worst.

          • Maik Beninton™
          • Sounds like a cause worth fighting for!

            #firstworldproblems

          • Ackshully, it’th about ethicth in gameth journalithm.

          • #firstworldgamerethicsinjournalismson

          • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

            Wrong way around, Ex-boyfriend posted an article on Gamergate about the female dev cheating on him with other people in the industry, reviewer posts a negative review on youtube about a game female dev made, it got removed because it also talked about the cheating thing. Shitstorm ensured.

          • Vote for Jeb

            Ah, thanks for the correction! Even if you disagree with the initial circumstance (which I obviously have forgotten the details of), it’s terrible that people use it to justify harassing people.

          • xengineofdeathx

            It’s a bunch of dudes with dorito dust crusted sweatpants threatening feminists.

    • Hubert

      A severe case of the Gamergate.

    • KJM, Doom Hunter General

      He’s a whiny douche dudebro.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      He’s a human TruckNutz with an NRA sticker attached

    • Mvthvr Shvbvbv 8

      *cues Metallica song*

    • He’s Ted Nugent’s nephew.

    • I am not gonna lie, I love All That Remains. A lot.

      Come at me bros!

      GL

      • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

        Meh, I saw them open for Dragonforce a while back, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much tough guy posturing in my entire life. Not even Covenant postures that much on stage, which is saying a lot!

        • Tough guy posturing? Strange

          • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

            It was like he was trying to look all macho, but ended up looking constipated.

      • KJM, Doom Hunter General

        It’s not even about the music so much for me. I can enjoy someone’s art and still not like the artist personally.

    • You can’t trust a man with a chinstrap beard.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Phil Labonte <<<<<<<<<<

  • ShootNationBB

    All that Cannabis Corpse man

    • Welcome to the Toilet!

      GL

      • ShootNationBB

        Thanks dude!

    • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

      Welcome!

      • ShootNationBB

        Thanks!

  • Hubert

    I wonder if he actually listened to the latest Six Feet Under record himself.

  • KJM, Doom Hunter General

    Even without his politics, LaBonte is a townie jock dudebro who, in a different era, would’ve called people like me “long haired f**got” and would’ve made empty threats to “kick my ass”. I remember Ozzfest 2004 was full of d-bags like him thanks to Hatebreed and Superjoint Ritual. Ugh.

    • Don’t talk bad of Hatebreed 🙁 That’s the favorite band of C. Molenaar.

    • xengineofdeathx

      He’s also a man with nipple rings.

  • KJM, Doom Hunter General

    My mother’s maiden name is LaBonte. If I were a religious man, I would pray to whatever God suited me every day that I am not somehow related to this d-bag. I look at pics of him and I instantly smell Axe Body Spray and Budweiser.

    • and you are both from the same area. Suspect for further investigation buddy!

      • KJM, Doom Hunter General

        Oh shit. Is he from the New England area? FUCK.

        • BOSTON!

          • oops. SPRINGFIELD!

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            Ugh, close enough. The Springfield area is a cesspool, lived near there for a couple years.

          • Is that a common name over there? You might be fucked, otherwise!

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            I’m not sure honestly. Grandmama’s been gone for a very long time and we don’t know much about the rest of that part of the family.

          • Thanks Obama!

            Than I guess you’ll have to investigate ALL THAT REMAINS of your family to find out (shudders at the coincidence)…

          • KJM, Doom Hunter General

            Ouch…

    • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

      And Four Loco.

  • xengineofdeathx

    Dudes let’s be a real, a bongophone would rock dicks off. Phil labonte is such an open minded and tolerant man, with profound insight into the world.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
    • The future is worse than I expected.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Well, only if you let it.

    • xengineofdeathx

      Still better then Watain.

      • I’m not much of a Watain fan but that’s pushing it now.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Me taking a shit is better than Watain. What’s your point?

        • xengineofdeathx

          My point is that Watain blows.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            That’s it? Fucking edgy broface.

          • xengineofdeathx

            Yeah man. Sorry to disappoint you.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Nothing new.

          • xengineofdeathx

            Cool

    • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa
  • SheWölf

    OMG I WANT A BONGMIC!! That would be so perfect for when we’re covering Funeralopolis… :)))
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=F-x6qqNy0mo

    • KJM, Doom Hunter General

      Excellent!

  • Guppusmaximus

    Well, he’s got one thing right: The religious propaganda surrounding natural occurring events like the Blood Moon is fucking retarded.

    • KJM, Doom Hunter General

      Agreed. Why can’t it just be seen for the cool astronomical curiosity that it is? I enjoy a little mysticism and the occult, but mostly on a comic book/horror movie level. I certainly wouldn’t let it dictate my daily life.

      • Vote for Jeb

        TBF, all religious people I know think the religious people who do post apocalyptic stuff are whackos.

        • Guppusmaximus

          Of which they are merely one step removed…(not to be a dick)

        • KJM, Doom Hunter General

          Many doomsday nuts aren’t even really that religious.

          • Guppusmaximus

            You don’t have to be when you have a book that paints the perfect picture. It’s unfortunate that we still have to deal with such nonsense in this day & age.

        • Poopypanty’s Hulk Poop Salsa

          And they tend to think that EVERYTHING means the end of the world. Toast got burnt = doomsday. Cat shit on the carpet? End times! McDonald’s fucked up your order? The world is coming to an end!

          • Vote for Jeb

            Oh, the other day you asked if my wife is an RN. She’s a third year med student.

      • Guppusmaximus

        And when you have assholes like John Hagee who publish lame books about the supposed veracity of such claims, obviously all based on his interpretation of antiquated fiction, on which he can live comfortably, it just makes me want to puke…

  • Waynecro

    Way back in the day, me and a few pals met Chris Barnes outside a SFU show. Barnes signed my friend’s stash box, which was pretty cool, I guess. I still prefer Corpsegrinder in Cannibal Corpse, though.

    • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

      Corpsegrinder >>>>>>>>>>>>

      Wall of Neck

      • Waynecro

        Seriously, dude. It looks like his traps are trying to eat his head.

        • BEARD OV GREAT DAWKINS

          I dont think hes very muscular, hes just got a big ol neck from all that windmilling.

          • Waynecro

            He’s probably got the buffest neck in metal. Like 80 percent of his muscle mass is in his neck. He’s all Cheetos and World of Warcraft everywhere else.

  • Maik Beninton™

    Ugh, that header image is disgusting.

  • Scrimm

    HAHAHAHAHA cashew milk HAHAHAHAHA