Celebrate Halloween with The Scariest Movie Ever Made

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Finally, a film that is unafraid to capture the terrifying presence of the Irish.

It’s no secret that The Toilet ov Hell is an unspeakable hellscape of horror. Simply poke around our archives and check out Leif and Dubya’s terrifying collection of short horror film reviews. Browse through the exhausting collection of horror film reviews, lovingly titled “Gimme Something to Watch“. Listen to our latest podcast about scary movies with my cohost 365 Days of HORROR. So believe me when I say that we know a thing or two about all that is unholy and spooky. That being said, watching every one of those films will not prepare you for the unsettling majesty of the film we’re discussing today. Lesser communities would lock this VHS in a vault and bury it under a protective barrier of concrete. But not us. For we are brave, we will sit still and watch through open fingers a movie that unfolds the true terror of the Irish. We will watch Halloween 3: Season of the Witch.

Halloween 3: Season of the Witch is an oft-maligned entry in the Halloween series, generally ranked somewhere below Halloween: Resurrection and somewhere above Rob Zombie’s remake of Halloween 2 in critical opinion among the grand oeuvre of franchise filmsReleased in 1982 on a budget of just $2.5 million, Season of the Witch was the first (and only) film in the Halloween franchise to eschew the presence of series slasher Michael Myers. Season of the Witch director Tommy Lee Wallace said of this decision, “It is our intention to create an anthology out of the series, sort of along the lines of Night Gallery, or The Twilight Zone, only on a much larger scale, of course.” Audiences hoping for more Michael Myers stabbings were sorely disappointed by this entirely different kind of horror film. Unfortunately, due to poor reception, the series reverted back to a dull slasher creature feature and horror fans otherwise overlooked a truly original and terrifying spectacle that was unafraid to present a clear-eyed, unflinching tale of Irish horror.

While other franchises like Leprechaun and Child’s Play have successfully lampooned the Irish in a horror setting, no other horror flick has dared to portray the stonehenged fright of these Papist devils. Season of the Witch tells the tale of an honest American man attempting to thwart the nefarious plan of an Irishman named Conal Cochran and his evil costume company, Silver Shamrock Novelties. I am unwilling and unable to recount a play-by-play of the entire plot as true terror is both unexpected and incomprehensible, however, I will describe a few key details.

Conal Cochran and his legion of dirty Irish have enraptured the good Protestant children of America with his twisted halloween masks, the must-have costumes of the year. These pagans have assembled a team of scientists using the perverse power of Stonehenge to broadcast a coded message to the children of our country on Halloween night – or Samhain as the potato eaters say. By watching their awful propaganda while wearing their Halloween masks, children are reduced to piles of vermin – an apt metaphor for the vile goop that the Irish choose to fill our children’s heads. Can our protagonist save the day or will Conal Cochran succeed in corrupting our youth with commands straight from Rome?

The full movie is available to rent on YouTube (or for free in less savory places). For the fearless among you, I invite you to watch the whole thing. Happy Halloween, boys and ghouls.

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  • Leif Bearikson

    I do love a good joke, and this is the best ever: a joke on the children.

  • Doc Torluv

    I remember seeing this at the drive-in with some friends when it came out. 16 year-old me LOVED it. I’m going to see if age has diluted the appreciation.

    • Doc Torluv

      Hit ‘play’ on Starz last night and… Still a great premise and story. Acting? Oy vey. This is begging for a MST3K-style treatment in the most wanton way.

  • Hans

    “available to rent on YouTube”? Did a joke go over my head there or is that really a thing?

    • It might be different in your country, but a lot of full movies are on YouTube to rent for ~$2 in the US.

    • Retchin’ Rites ov Karhu

      Yes, and also yes.

  • Howard Dean

    Y’all see the leprachaun? Say yeah!

    https://i.giphy.com/media/44jXqjvUxs2Dm/giphy.gif

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    “to capture the terrifying presence of the Irish.”

    Puh-leeze! The Irish Mob ain’t nuthin’ to fuck with!

    https://uproxx.files.wordpress.com/2016/10/departed.gif?w=650

  • Lord of Bork

    BRB, promptly stealing “Papist devils” to rag on my Irish friend

    • We like to make jokes around here, but in all seriousness, the Irish aren’t your friend.

  • JWG

    I was late to horror and genre films, much like I was late to metal, with the exception of horror-comedy and assorted other kids Halloween fare that could be considered Junior Horror I guess.

    There’s a near-direct line to both interests from from my first
    viewing of Ginger Snaps (which remains one of my favorite genre films,
    Canadian films, and films in general). I watched Halloween and II on a recommendation from some horror nerds around that time but promptly forgot the rest of the series.

    If I had continued I might have realized I actually had seen III years earlier – on TV way back in the late 80’s. From what I remember it was cleaned up enough that Kid Me didn’t even realize it was more horror than comedy (from a certain perspective even some of the “scary” parts are funny).

    • Shakes 999

      I was obsessed with Ginger Snaps when I was in my 20’s. I am still in love with Kathrine Isabella.

  • Definitely one of the best Halloween movies. Would have been better received if it was just called Season of the Witch. Fuck Michael Myers anyway, that dude became a joke as soon as they brought him back in part IV (won’t stop me from watching all the movies every few years, mind you).

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    I was like 5 years old and my babysitter brought this movie over on VHS and made me watch it, it scared the shit out of me. I didn’t want to trick or treat for years

  • GrumpDumpus

    OT: IS ANYONE ELSE SOILING THEMSELVES OVER THE DELIGHTFULLY TERRIFYING HELLBLADE FOR PS4 OR AM I JUST AN AMATEUR

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Wait a sec, I’m pretty sure Child’s Play didn’t have anything to do with the Irish, unless I’m remembering it wrong ’cause its been a long time. Anyhow, Season of the Witch rocks, and though my love of generic but efficient slashers compels me to be a fan of all the Halloween series except Resurrection and the Zombie entries, it may well be the most worthy horror of them outside of the original. It’s tense, barmy and really effectively doom laden. All thumbs up.

    • A small, pale, redheaded, violent character. Sound familiar?