Celebrate 100 Years of LIES with “Finland”

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Finland achieved independence on December 6, 1917. Or so they would have you believe.

I awoke this morning and was greeted by the news that today is the 100th anniversary of Finland declaring independence. But because I am woke and because it was fake news, I’m here to tell you that’s all bullshit. Open your third eye, man.

Have you ever been to Finland? Have you ever met a Finnish person? I haven’t. Nor have I even met anyone who claims to have visited. The evidence is irrefutable.

There are many theories as to why the “Finland” hoax has been perpetuated almost 100 years now. Some say that the waterway where Finland is claimed to exist is actually a fishing tract for the Japanese, a concession to that nation from the USSR during the Cold War. Others say that Finland is an elaborate prank that adults pull on their credulous children to teach them about disappointment. Still, others believe that Finland is real in a metaphorical sense; that the truly pure of heart may access this fantasy land via an enchanted wardrobe. No matter which conspiracy theory you prefer, I think we can all agree that Finland is fake as fuck.

The bots that comment on this metal-themed shit fetish blog may claim otherwise, but pay them no heed; I can see the IP of every commenter and not once have I ever seen an address from “Finland”. Edgy black metal bands talk themselves up, claiming to commit heinous crimes in this Brigadoon-esque locale, but they don’t exist either. Trickster writers may construct elaborate compilations of Finnish bands but, reader, I assure you they’re all from Sweden.

An Introduction To Finnish Death Metal

So happy 100th birthday “Finland”. We’re all onto you.

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