By the Time You Read This… : A Final Note Regarding Kamelot

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Please listen.

I like Kamelot. I offer no defense, no excuse, and no explanation, because I have none and can hope to imagine none. This unfortunate fact is one I’d long preferred to keep hidden from all but my wife, who has long proven herself immune to the worst of my traits, and a single other confidant whose trustworthiness is founded on the somber solidarity between a man and a chip dip who share the same reprehensible affliction. His name I staunchly refuse to divulge.

There you have it, then. Now you know. Tell the world; it hardly matters to me at this point. By the time you read this I shall be no more. Even now I stare at the streets far below through the open window before me; the final portal to merciful nullity. A single step to liberate me from the evil recollections that doggedly sear my mind day and night.

Please do not think me insane. Though aware of the absurdity of such a statement coming from a man scrawling his final note with feet dangling five stories high, I must assure you that this determination was reached through calculated and deliberate reasoning. Do not doubt that, if you were to see the things that I have seen (and you may yet get that chance), you would understand and perhaps even share in my need to die. My final hope is that there may be no semblance of an afterlife to which my cursed memory may follow me after being drained onto the cobblestone.

I brought this fate upon myself on the fourth of May, and it started as one might expect – on Kamelot’s Facebook page. Having wantonly ventured into a place no man should be, I stumbled across a thing no man ought to see. I’ve, perhaps unwisely, included the execrable image below. I strongly advise the weak of heart to stop reading at this time, as this is the very figure which set me on this course; the very figure that doomed me.

ugh

I sat inert; wide-eyed and frozen in my seat. It seemed like hours before I was able to draw a breath and the entirety of my being convulsed in a manner so severe that the word “cringe” could never be adequate. I thought my organs would erupt and every last blood vessel would burst. The agony seemed to swell exponentially every second, until I was finally able to pry my eyes from the hateful screen and collapse to the ground in a broken heap.

At length, I recovered to some degree and was able to go about my daily routine, functional but shaken. Nights were restless. Strenuous effort proved ineffective at driving the words from my mind. Those words… Those fucking words! Winds whispered them through the trees and crickets chirped them through the walls. They bounced loudly in my mind without egress. MAY THE HAVEN BE WITH YOU. MAY THE HAVEN BE WITH YOU. MAY THE HAVEN BE WITH YOU.

After a week on edge I was drawn back to that horrible place. Whether out of morbid curiosity, a frenzied lust for closure, or some otherwordly pull I cannot say. At any rate, I clicked through. The road forked.

Capture

The initial blow to my psyche was potent enough. Hashtag. Meme. Monday. A fucking atrocity to be sure. But the real, unspeakable horror came with the fated option… “View comments”. The words mocked me. They sneered from their seat above the terrible unknown. I knew what would be behind that door. I knew where it would lead. Then again, how could I not? I tried in vain to shake it off. “It’s not worth it,” I pleaded with myself. “Don’t do it.”

But I did.

The sheer dread that washed over me is not something I can ever hope to explain. It was complete, pervasive, all-encompassing. I became it. In that moment, I was dread. I slammed my fist on my desk and cursed aloud. I cursed Kamelot. I cursed Tommy Karevik’s god-forsaken soul strip. I cursed their fans. I cursed Mark Zuckerberg, the gods, and the fates. Anything and everything to deflect the responsibility that I knew was ultimately my own. I shouldn’t have clicked.

Recollecting it is too much to bear. Even as I dance around my descriptions and explanations, my pen slips from my sweating hands. Nothing can remove the blasted imagery from my mind, yet I must, for I can bear it no longer! Oh, god! The dankness! The unprecedented dankness!

The window…

dank 1

dank 2

dank 3

dank 4

dank 5

dank 6

dank 7

dank 8

dank 9

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  • The W.
    • “I really wish the whole ‘dank meme’ thing hadn’t ever happened.” -Joe Thrashnkill in a real conversation that unfortunately happened yesterday.

      • The W.

        Liar.

      • “I actually really like power metal and hate Pantera”

        A real conversation I had with Joe

        • “I really can’t wait till Deafhaven comes to town!”
          A real coversation with the Masterloaf

          • “Tech death is pretty dumb”

            a real conversation with JB

          • ” I caught dad singing to Christina Aguilera at the top of his lungs last night :(”

            A real conversation with Albus

          • I thought the joke was supposed to be things we’d never say?

          • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)
          • …Then Jack Bauer pulled his little book of jokes from its resting place in his back pocket. Upon opening it, to his dismay, he realized it only contained one single joke. “Oh well,” he thought, “Too late to turn back now.”

          • “oh well he thought, still funny”

          • Dagon

            ARCHSPIRE
            ARCHSPIRE
            ARCHSP

          • Stockhausen

            SIQQQQQQQQ

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          “I like King Shit”

          Every lifelover here.

        • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)

          Amen to that!

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        its less played out and tired than all the embrace the VOID crap was….but not by much.

        • YOU’RE played out.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            no doubt! embrace the dank meme voids!

          • omg, this is precious, tacoclown.

            KVLT+VOID AND OBSCVRITY+DANKNESS.

            The holy Grail of the entire ToH year resumed in just one perfect pitch black concept.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            well said my “dankvoidkvlt” dungeon master of dankness in the void…

          • i have been slain. here, take all my cvnting GBP’s

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            #tiredddank

        • The W.

          That’s what we do, though. We run things into the ground. then we find the next thing and ruin that.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            #trvudank

          • That’s pretty much what happens to all pop culture…once your uncle posts the meme incorrectly on facebook, it’s dead.

          • The W.

            Internet culture flow chart:
            4chan->Reddit->9gag/Buzzfeed->Facebook->…->Fark.com

          • 9gag/Buzzfeed + the Chive are like the internet’s crusty, unwashed bellybutton.

          • The W.

            We must never speak of the C place.

          • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)

            I’ll give credit to The Chive. Underneath the creepy comments and people paying for their town to town sausage fests, they do some awesome work for charities.

          • we’re not visiting your damn site W! (i did visit it, do not understand)

          • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)

            With coal rolling getting banned, I think that might be coming back here full force. Goddamn, did it need a break though!

          • Stockhausen

            Have you ever heard of the internet?

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            *internet(s)

        • Dagon

          The last paragraph in my thesis talks about something called “flow voids”.

          It made me giggle.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            #maxdank

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            doctorial? “dankness?!!

      • Dagon

        Did you right his wrong? Did ya, did ya?

      • CyberneticOrganism

        I agree, the memes are a goddamned plague.

    • Dagon

      Stealing this.

  • Toilet Ov Hell: A Kamelot Justice Warrior Blog

  • A wise man once told me “Neither read nor even add to comments on anything on the internet!”

    …words I’ve lived by.

  • Tyree

    Is Kamelot going to be a recurring thing here? I really hope not.

  • May Will Haven be with you.
    http://youtu.be/XacJjD-qqlw

  • Say what you will, but mid-era Kamelot is pretty solid

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgkNM1lC6XA

  • “I like this post because of the funny memes.”
    -Kevin Nash and friends

    • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

      Jimmy plz!

  • AYY EL MIAU!

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Dank.

  • Guacamole Jim

    Are you seeing other chip dips behind my back, Mastertrunks?

    Also… those fucking memes. I didn’t think it could get worse than “May the Haven be With You” but the fans delivered. I feel soiled. I’m shutting off the internet and going back to my cubicle in solitude.

    • i hope they see this page and feel bad for what they’ve dun.

      • Dagon

        The fuck you doing at my house, bruh?

        • Fuckin’ bought it, bruh!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Financial management bro! *high five*

      • Herr Schmitty

        One of the best places to live in that god-forsaken land!

        Got a soft spot for Falkreath myself.

        • I prefer Markarth, myself.

          • Herr Schmitty

            Markarth is good, but I hate two things there:
            The Molag Bol quest line; great mace, but I don’t like going all over the place to free the monk you sacrifice.

            The ‘You’ve been kidnapped and jailed and put in the silver mines, bitch’ quest line. I did the IRL version of that quest line, it blows.

          • Dagon

            That last paragraph. I love you, bro

          • Herr Schmitty

            +1 How did I smuggle all these lockpicks in? You know how I did it!

          • what you guise sound like (RFI):
            JKLOLZ, i like Skyrim too

      • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo
  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Poopalot.

  • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

    >mfw I see those dank memes
    >

  • Ahmed Johnson The Reef Eater

    I enjoy this article greatly. It was very funny.

  • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)

    Lol, I like Kamelot too, but in the world of power metal, they’re vastly overrated. Even their best one (IMHO), Epica, was a good deal filler, and Silverthorn was meh. I’ll still love you in the morning though (dodges a swipe from your magic steel). Now let us dance the dance of my people!

    http://stashpit.com/upload/big/2013/10/01/524af1aee07a3.gif

    • Agreed, they play very “lowest common denominator” power metal

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      and it was a good dance

  • Maik Beninton

    Those memes are like 3 years old.

  • Maik Beninton

    OT: I asked Derek/Godless Angel last night if he was going to write for NCS, he said yes and will do it for the Toilet when he ‘gets around to it, lol’.

    • I’ve talked a couple of times with him. He’s awesome and he let me add to his personal FB profile. Awesome dude.

  • Paris Hilton

    I like a LOT of shitty bands, so I’m in no position to judge. But I’ve never been able to get into Kamelot. It’s just come across as corny to me, like music for 35 year olds who wear socks n sandals, live with their parents, and have a shit-tier job at RadioShack or something. For lack of a better word, and I really do hate using it in a negative context, I’ve always found the Knights of The Round Table thing they got goin on to be well… Kinda gay.

    • Maik Beninton

      I’m pretty sure it’s a nerd thing.

      • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)

        Not even nerdy, just corny. This is coming from someone who listens to Welle:Erdball, which is the height of all nerd music.

      • Paris Hilton

        The worse shtick is by far Cannabis Corpse. I like them, but could you imagine telling relatives “Yeah I play in a parody death metal band that is exclusively about weed!” I can just hear the second hand embarrassment :/

        • OldMetalHead

          Yeah, but it’s a side project kind of like Iron Reagan.

          • This. It’s just for the lolz. Like Bloodbath.

          • Paris Hilton

            True, but a joke that’s been running for 9 years has a tendency to go stale. Especially one that’s about something as cringeworthy as weed culture.

          • Paris Hilton

            …ayyyy lmfao!

          • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)

            I was going to say S.P.O.C.K, but at least they quit at their peak and when they realized it ran it’s course.

          • OldMetalHead

            You might be taking it a little too seriously. 🙂

          • Paris Hilton

            I do that to things that aren’t that funny lol

          • Dagon

            Weed culture, as with most cultures, is hit or miss. The missing part comes when people in it assume it’s everyone else’s culture.

        • Lilo’s Meatflaps Of Doom (KJU)

          I can name at least a dozen of my friends who’d listen to it once they hear the word ‘weed’.

    • Herr Schmitty

      One of my old buddies is almost exactly the guy you describe; wears socks with sandals, has a shit-tier job at Gamestop (and managed a Radioshack prior to that), is 30, incredibly nerdy… only box he fails to tick is ‘living with his parents.’

      He doesn’t like Kamelot at all. I guess missing just one box prevents you from going full Kamelot?

      • Paris Hilton

        It’s a delicate balance!

  • [Serious disqus now]:

    What do you think of this kind of stunts?

    I think when the bands try to force “viralized” content, like macro images or rage comics are just lame. It’s just about trying to be hip, without realizing all the complex theory behind the mass communication and difusion of the “meme” as a whole.

  • The W.

    @disqus_9CmX83EGqz:disqus, sorry for being so cruel today. The Masterlord is feeling down, and I’m mourning his pain by lashing out.

  • INCREDIBEARD

    Album still rules

    • #BLACKBEARDAPPROVED

      Sealed the 14th ov may ov 2015.

      • INCREDIBEARD

        It has already been approved previously. I even said it was a contender for power metal aoty, beside Blind Guardian

        • Since last year there have been really quality works of Págüer Merol and I get hooked with the genre once more 🙂

  • Dagon

    @masterlordsteeldragon:disqus I honestly thought of the ending of “Dagon” while reading some of this.

    The window! The window!

    • The W.

      The Lovecraftian vibe was intentional.

      • Dagon

        I thought so. This was my way of complimenting it.

    • This stupid thing was modeled pretty much exactly after that story (one of my favorites).

      • Only on that story, Masterlord? Because I have remembrance of another short stories of Hache. Pé. ArteDelAmor.

        • Dagon

          Lol

      • Dagon

        You took what could’ve been a basic ass dank meme post and elevated it to the upper echelon.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    This is the way the world ends.

  • Stockhausen

    And lo, that seventh son of the seventh son was born, and his name was Ruin, and he did spread his wings to cover the Earth in destruction at the great sign of those, like, seriously stupid pictures.

  • J.R.

    Here are some pictures to describe how I am feeling.
    Mainly because the word “meme” makes me wiggle on the inside. Really the only one that I would classify as following any memetic structure would be the “keep calm…” one. They should say “give me your Image Macros” but that doesnt roll off the tongue as smoothly I guess.

  • JWG

    I am an unashamed fan of Kamelot brand Cheese.

    On a related note: I will also defend Napalm Records to the end. Without them, all those similar gothic and/or symphonic metal bands would be scattered around other labels, encouraging them all to follow the same path.

    There’s a clear benefit to concentrating the Fromage in one place, instead.

  • landregan

    *chuck rush*