Bvrning down the Christmas tree: Combating Christmas music, No. 3

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Allow me to apologize for my lengthy absence. Two weeks ago I overheard a grown-ass man singing and dancing along to “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” and immediately tried to kill myself. I woke up in the ICU just a few days ago. Evidently I didn’t kill myself hard enough; a mistake I do not intend to make again. [W. – Next time you try to kill yourself, make a noose from razor wire, tie it around your neck, super glue your hands to your head, then leap from a balcony. People will be super impressed that you managed to rip off your own head mid-fall.]

We’re well into December now, which means I’ll have to force myself to turn a blind eye to vehicles with those stupid felt antlers attached to them and repress the urge to take them down with me in a firestorm of burning car wreckage. That shit does not turn your vehicle into a reindeer, guys. It just turns you into an asshole.

“But Masterlord, isn’t it all in good fun? Why are you so grouchy? Did you forget to take your mood stabilizers again? What’s wrong with enjoying the holidays?”

Let me answer your questions with another question: Fuck you.

Luckily, the ghost of James Hetfield came to me in my coma-dreams and gave me an idea. He didn’t really say anything of importance (all I could really make out was “yeah”), but the visitation reminded me of something he said years before he tragically died in 1991: “fight fire with fire” or something. Thus, I have decided to meet the onslaught of awful winter music with an onslaught of my own awful winter music. And you’re going to help me maybe. Join me, and let us stop the flow of happiness on our black metal swords.

I: GRAUPEL – AM PRANGER… (2010)

What’s graupel? It’s precipitation that forms when supercooled water droplets freeze on a snowflake. “But Masterlord, isn’t that just hail?” No, you fool. According to the World Meteorological Organization (of which I am the President), graupel is distinct from hail, small hail, and ice pellets. Lest you think there’s a single obscure cold-weather-related term not used by an equally obscure black metal band for their name, here’s Graupel; a German black metal band named after graupel.

Graupel specialize in raw black metal, but with even more teeth than is usual. And those teeth also have teeth. And mounted Maschinengewehr 42’s that shoot teeth. As men after my own black heart, they released Am Pranger… on Christmas Eve of 2010. Blast this and pillory all patrons of Christmas music.

Graupel  Am Pranger… | Listen | Buy | Facebook


II: FOREST SILENCE – WINTER CIRCLE (2000) / THE ETERNAL WINTER (2002)

Forest Silence

Inverting the typical metal-to-ambient evolution of so many black metal bands, the predictably-named Forest Silence started off crafting dark ambient, wintry soundscapes in their 1997 and 2000 demos (The Third Winter and Winter Circle, respectively), and moved on to mid-paced atmospheric black metal in 2002’s The Eternal Winter. All three prove efficacious in evoking the cold dark of winter, but one is best for actually ruining Christmas. The ambient is for engineering your evil stratagem; the metal is for dragging Christmas by the neck into remote reaches of the midnightforest, shattering its frozen legs over jagged stones, and leaving it to slowly freeze to death under the winter moon. Thus Nature exacts its slow and torturous revenge upon the thief that stole Winter from her bosom and then made it majorly suck.

Forest Silence – Winter Circle / The Eternal Winter | Facebook


III: ALGOR – ÚDER POHANSKEHO HNEVU (2003)

Algor

Yet another group of corpsepainted dinguses (dingi?) making music so good that you have to forgive them for being corpsepainted dinguses, Algor — not to be confused with Al Gore — hail from Slovakia and sound like they hail from Slovakia. Drawing influence from their Czech neighbors Master’s Hammer and the ever-pervasive DarkthroneÚder Pohanského Hnevu is fast-pissed and paced-off. Mr. Aldaron has mastered the art of the black metal riff, and consequently nails the thin, freezing atmosphere that so many bedroom self-proclaimed-kvlt black metal acts fall short of. Honestly, I’m surprised that the the riff at 3:48 in “Vládca zimnej krajiny” hasn’t killed Christmas a hundred times over by virtue of its mere existence. That shit is evil. Legend has it that every time it’s played, a caroler bleeds out from the ears.

Algor – Úder Pohanského Hnevu


Is this even worse than Christmas music? Do you hate all of this and me? How do you survive the music of the holiday season? Please help me.

Combating Christmas music I | Combating Christmas music II

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    • Friday is SYLOSIS ANTICIPATION DAY!!!!!

      SHRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXPQR22UwO0

      GL

      • EVERY DAY IS SYLOSIS ANTICIPATION DAY!

        • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

          Sylosis’ new album > Christmas

          • Music>>>>Corporate Holidays

          • Hubert, Goat ov Doom (and Void

            Well it’s not that bad. I enjoy being with family around Christmas, it’s always quite fun and the food is great. Could be because we don’t make as much of a big deal of Christmas as you Americans do.

          • VVorld Peace

            I’m always grumpy around this time of year because I feel like everyone is trying to shove a gigantic corporate candy cane up my bum.

          • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK
          • more beer

            Because they are!

          • I live 5 minutes from one of the biggest malls in the world. Fucking fuck fucking christmas.

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            Is it bigger than the Mall of America?

            The MoA gets more visitors annually than any other mall in the world. I learned that penning an article for this very site.

          • VVorld Peace

            I’ve been to the biggest mall in the world, homie. The malls in Dubai are ridiculous.

          • From what I understand, the everything in Dubai is ridiculous.

          • VVorld Peace

            There’s a mall there with a ski slope inside. I really wish I would have sprang the extra cash to hit the slopes.

          • That might be one of the coolest things ever!

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            Number of visitors annually > size.

          • VVorld Peace

            Not when your mall has the tallest building in the world attached.

          • Death

            Guys, stop comparing your penises, I mean malls.

          • VVorld Peace

            That’s literally all we do as politicians.

          • more beer

            Tell it like it is W.

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            That building is so tall, it made me nervous watching Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. I don’t like heights or open air lol

          • VVorld Peace

            I’ve been up to the observation deck. Pretty trill, dude.

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            I went up to the observation deck in the World’s Tower (not sure on that name) in San Antonio, Texas. Terrifying. Not as tall as the one you were on. The elevator ride up was something.

          • VVorld Peace

            Oh man. Remind me later to post a video I took of the floors going up in the elevator. So fast, just like me and Sanic.

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            The Sonic story >>>>>>>

            did that go up on a Sunday? I was working last weekend and saw it sometime, and was like wut is going on here.

          • VVorld Peace

            It did. I’m not sure if we posted it to FB because I was on the road that day.

          • Death

            This is why we can’t date! You like bad music,

          • M Shadows!

            Silly loofah! at least he likes some music! YOU MISSED A SPOT!

          • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK
          • Death

            Call me when you like something good. I’ll be waiting.

          • AND because you’re taken!!

          • Death

            I broke up with the lesser Finn, he cheated on me,

          • *clears throat* BRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          • Death

            Are we back together again?

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      Got pipes?

  • Edward #negrod4eva

    Will check all of this shit out over the weekend along with my already established queue.

    trve blvkk metul 4 lvfe

  • Stockhausen

    Angry Masterlord posts are the greatest posts. The first paragraph, including W.’s interjection, was pure gold. Black, dismal gold.

    • VVorld Peace

      I told the Masterlord this is probably the most hate-filled and therefore funniest thing he’s written.

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        I love hating Christmas with my online friends!

        • I really do hate it. Really.

          GL

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            You guys are weird. I am a Christmas (holiday, not religious tradition) lover and by extension probably a bit of a lifelover.

            ND

          • Stockhausen

            I’m with you, man. I love this time of year.

            SH

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            My family has been pulling further and further away from gift giving over the last couple of years, this year we might not even exchange gifts, but it is still enjoyable to have a day off, spend the day with family, and eat like a champ.

          • My family has not done the gifts thing since I was ~13. This seems like the correct way to go about things.

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            It’s simply an exchange of wealth. We have tried one item gift exchanges the last couple of years but someone complained both years.

          • Gvacamole Jim

            Interestingly enough, I grew up in a very poor family, and Christmas was the one time a year that our parents would go out and buy us toys. The rest of the year (except for birthdays) if we wanted something, we’d have to use the money we earned working (mowing lawns, shovelling sidewalks, et cetera) to buy it. That sort of splurging at Christmas for the family has kept going as we’ve all gotten older and maintained good jobs. The gift exchange will always hold a special place in my heart for that though.

          • My Christmas were happy too. No grudge against that holiday. I’m even enjoying it more in my adulthood because I got vacations and I stay more time with my family 🙂

          • Gvacamole Jim

            Same here. And just being able to buy my parents some cool stuff that they wouldn’t have gone out and gotten on their own is awesome. It’s just worth it not to get caught up in the consumer aspect of what’s going on.

          • Respect your own familiar traditions

            Stay trve to your roots

            LL

            (Am I learning, GL?)

          • Stockhausen

            I always love getting stuff for my mom, and since I’m one of them grown ups now, we always exchange high quality adult beverages. She got me a bottle of scotch and a beer making kit last year. We also have awesome family time with everyone, and we’ve listened to the same albums since I was a kid. I accept lifelover status for December.

          • jajajajaja, we all know you’re a lifelover from jan -> dec

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            <3 !

          • everyone in my family wants to quit receiving gifts, but nobody is willing to quit giving them.

          • HessianHunter

            100% of the gifts I’ve given the last 2 (about to be 3) years for xmas have been bottles of fancy booze from my local liquor store.

          • VVorld Peace

            I can get behind that.

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            W, you fancy.

          • VVorld Peace

            You already know.

          • Stockhausen

            I would like to be on your Christmas list. Balvenie 14 yr Carribean Cask, pls.

          • Tom Waits For Better Days

            I’m available to receive gifts. Nudge, nudge.

          • more beer

            Those are the best gifts!!

          • Stockhausen

            My mom, sister, and wife churn out trays upon trays of insidiously awesome baked goods, I bring the booze, and we all listen to the same albums from when I was a kid and play drinking games.

          • Same albums? Such as dis?

            GL
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0gB2ieWOjc

          • Stockhausen

            Pretty much on that level of basic, unfortunately. No shame.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            i can dig it

          • VVorld Peace

            I have a very distinct memory of one fateful Christmas morning as a child where I witnessed my older brother shooting all of my brand new army men toys with his new BB gun.

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            Traumatizing?

          • VVorld Peace

            My older siblings destroyed a lot of Christmas presents, haha. Christmases were weird growing up.

          • Death

            I remember when Santa came to our house drunk one christmas. It wasn’t fun. Ruined a lot of things.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            My parents used to do that too…o wait I get what you mean!

          • Death

            My parents were angry at the guy and drove him away. We got our money back the next day.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            haha

          • Altairs of Madness

            Did he show you his red-nosed reindeer?

          • Gvacamole Jim

            Was he a member of the Dudesons?

          • Death

            No he wasn’t. You should check the first rule of talking to Death: “never mention the dudesobs!”

          • Gvacamole Jim

            Dammit! Nobody gave me the rulebook. Fucking Joe, shirking his duties.

          • another thing that explains a lot about you…

          • Stockhausen

            That’s horrible. I think I got a guitar that year.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            saaal good!

          • i hate the music, i hate sweets (cake, candy, cookies), and i hate that i have to wear a shirt that isn’t a Cattle Decapitation shirt for one evening around my family.

          • i like getting time off work and getting drunk with friends and family.
            BTW, OMFGLOLZ:

        • TTDR, my fellow hatelover!

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            I can feel the hate brother!

      • Stockhausen

        And you were correct as usual, former leader of the free world.

    • Which reminds me, Black Gold Reigns.

      GL

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBlXz-TaadY

      • Stockhausen

        More like All Shall Suuuuuuuuuuuck.

        BVRN

      • I don’t know if I will like their new stuff. Eddie was kind of a huge reason I liked them.

        • I concur. I feel like his vocals are lacking with SS. He should stick with his lows. His poser-falseto highs on the new SS album are cringe worthy….

          GL

          • I really hate that album except that first single they released. You can’t stop me or something. I dig the build up in that one.

          • The album is not bad – it just seems like he is forcing his new vocal style.

            GL

          • Stockhausen

            His lows are what bug me the most. And I don’t know if you know this, but I got my opinion officially certified.

        • Agreed, I disliked their new one pretty hard

  • Jajajajaja, the Algor, Al Gore, Algore (w/e) reference made me smile

    • Link, have you been giving MSD lessons in MS Paint? Fine work if so!

      GL

      http://www.toiletovhell.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/ccm-711×414.png

      • MSD is another prolific paint artist of our movement. I only give him my respects for his solid contributions for this forgotten plastic art of mouse brushing.

      • Xan

        I’ve yet to truly master this art. I’m still but a lowly paint(dot)net user. A sample of my work:

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          i like dis!

    • Stockhausen

      I need to use this forever and ever.

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      link is this another original creation?

      • oh, I would want to! but this is Neoclassical Pop Art Paint. I do NAIVEtë Paint, my influences are deep rooted in the Naive MSPaint of Venezuela

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          cool…I meant the drawing itself is this original or did you find it on the internet? (the three panel smiling stick figure?)

  • Tyree

    Graupel is blasting my face off with shards ov ice. Fuck this is good!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Agreed >>>>>>>>>>

  • Hubert, Goat ov Doom (and Void

    ..

  • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK
  • CyberneticOrganism

    FUCK. YES. FOREST SILENCE. Found that band years ago on youtube and listen to those tracks every winter. Excellent rec/10

  • Death
  • Altairs of Madness
  • Paris Hilton

    You got visited by the ghost of James Hetfield!? Lucky! I got a visit from the ghost of Dave Mustaine and all he told me is “Keep the Christ in Christmas, and don’t let that shifty Muslim foreigner Obama steal our American holiday. Jesus was a white man. God Bless, Paris.” I’m still confused. He smelled like old Velveeta. Christmas is fucking ruined for me this year.

    • Tom Waits For Better Days

      Now to find the ghost of Mustardiene and to tell him no Middle-Eastern is white… the amount of lol’s on his face. The mere thought warms my figurative heart.

    • KJM

      You’ve been watching “A Very Alex Jones Christmas” again, haven’t you?

      • Paris Hilton

        …maybe

    • more beer

      Dear Paris Happy Kwanza, Love Obama!

  • M Shadows!

    Ever since papa hetfield gave me coal in my stocking on christmas I DONT LIKE IT!

    • hai JJM!

      GL

    • The Satan Ov Hell

      He gave you fuel, to give you fire. Isn’t that what you desired?

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Perhaps you need a severe whipping from the KRVMPVS

  • Gvacamole Jim

    “Let me answer your questions with another question: Fuck you.”

    I lol’d super hard, stored that in the memory banks for future use, and then reflected on my life which will never be as good as that ov the Masterlord’s.

    • Renan Ribeiro

      That was the best line in the article IMO as well haheuhauehuahe

      • Stockhausen

        Quite, quite. I was also partial to “That shit does not turn your vehicle into a reindeer, guys. It just turns you into an asshole.”

  • LISTEN TO REAL CHRISTMAS MUSIC https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZTZRtRFkvk

    • Stockhausen

      Trvly.

  • Renan Ribeiro

    You might hate christmas but you still gave us a gift. I think this was your best article so far, Masterlord

    • VVorld Peace

      I concur!

  • The Satan Ov Hell

    In honour Ov Christmas, here is my favourite post blackened folk core violence album- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3Bx1s8Nus8

    • I lolled. But for real, On Avery Island is the better album.

      • HessianHunter

        Dude… I thought we were friends.

      • The Satan Ov Hell

        I prefer ITAOTS purely because of how I can connect better to Two Headed Boy 1/2 and The King of Carrot Flowers better than I can to most all of OAI

    • Death

      I never got the fuss about this album.

      • Because it’s all about ~~~~~~~feelings~~~~~~~

        • Death

          Of course. The things I don’t apparently have.

    • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

      All I know is that Aubrey Plaza likes Neutral Milk Hotel >>>>>>>>>>

    • That band name screams pretentious hipster into my ear like a fucking jet engine.
      Skewer these posers and cook them atop the most unholiest of fires stoked within the filthiest, smelliest Toilet Ov Hell.

      *flush*

    • Excellent band. I remember seeing one of their videos on Strictly Global way back when, and a couple on Last Call With Carson Daly.

  • Tyree

    Graupel – Am Pranger… >>>>>>>>> Christmas music

  • Tom Waits For Better Days

    Christmas sucks… This is better. And that W intervention was pure black gold. David black gold.

  • Tyree
  • *link’s headbanging to Graupel while his co-workers gets scared* Confvsed Black Merol 3:24 UGH OGH..

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    I like it if people have freedom to believe whatever about anything–and i dig blasphemy—-heres one for the devil’s advocate position

    this is a story about why the govt/media would be interested in attacking christianity—because of them being “threatened” by it

    on a karate level—-“the jesus archetype”–is a story about “selfless love” taken to its most extreme level—not only someone “dying for everyone”–but also even having it basically be god itself

    so it is a “power source” archetype—-a “neutral”dream image—and technically there is no greater(cause there is no story that goes as “extreme” as that one)—-on the concepts of selfless love

    sort of when referring to “most power”—it refers to –there is no “bigger” story of human empathy—not about whether it is true or not—-but it’s “actual storyline”—-like there is no story bigger,more powerful,and takes the concept of empathy further—so the story exists——and to deny the story—-would weaken a person –as the story is just part of the person’s imagination—

    so it is a natural tendency–for someone that would want “power over you”—to want to “disempower” the “jesus story”—so the intended victim–would have less “inspiration” to draw on—to empower their own self

    so the “jesus story” –in the collective unconscious—as the “ultimate power/example” of human selfless love dominance—-so it is a power source “weapon” that can draw out great amounts of inspiration in a person–so to block the “channel” to the story/archetype—would be a “block” in the person–so to speak

    there are some who say that the weakness of buddhism is that it doesnt have an archetype like the jesus story—-and that it makes buddhism a more pessimistic “weaker” experience—-
    —-
    anyways—to let “jesus” make someone cringe or immediately have a negative reaction—would be perceived as “weakness”–from a karate perspective—-and would actually be showing that the person was stating that christianity was dominating them—

    god bless sincere christian haters—piss on “agenda” anti religious scared bot slaves

    praise satan—

  • Stockhausen

    Finally got a chance to listen, rather than comment blindly. Graupel rules, Forest Silence is hilarious, and Al Gore is somewhere in between.

  • JWG

    Algor might actually be the perfect name for a European BM band, if the derivation is as I suspect: a Latin noun derived from the 1st-person singular form of the verb algeo – “I feel cold” or more bitterly “I feel lonely” – from which the English idiom “left out in the cold” precisely derives.

    There’s a whole extra layer of despair inherent in the term. It’s not just cold. It’s a lonely-trudge-through-desolate-landscape kind of cold.

  • KingPagliacciOvFlushMountain

    Happy Davecember! Here’s some Davecember music:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dfb0579INc

  • Johnny James McCrunchy

    I love this time of year. Fight me.

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    Hey masterlord…can you do a BM playlist on spotify? I know you’re more of a bandcamp/obscure BM discoverer but I really enjoy your BM selections and would enjoy a huge playlist! Just a thought…

  • Here’s a Moonsorrow one about when the sun finally dies and the last person alive who witnesses it. Try topping that icy grim epic masterpiece!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5-_4VbzF_A

  • Might sound total lifelover of me, but I’d highly recommend giving to this one:

    http://thechive.com/2014/12/06/chivers-addie-needs-your-holiday-cards-for-her-last-christmas-9-photos/

    Definitely sending mine out on Monday while I’m out and about.