Brütal Brëws: Taking a Solemn Oath

1993
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Ah, beer. Engine of civilization! Scourge of Matt Pike prohibition! Lifeblood of metal! There are few entities more perfectly suited to mutual descriptions than beer and metal. If you’re a beer aficionado, or even if you’re not, you can’t help but draw parallels between the sludgy, murky dirges of a doom band and the rich, layered tastes found in a dark porter. Both are more complex than their initial impressions suggest, and repeated enjoyment of either leads to more nuanced appreciation of their efforts, i.e., more bottles opened and higher volume headbanging.

Beer and music were meant for each other. They go together like Iommi and his SG; Wylde and pinch harmonics; Hetfield and tables. If you find yourself in the Chicago area anytime soon, here’s one brewery not to miss.

Situated in a tucked-away corner of the west suburbs, Solemn Oath opened its doors in 2012 and has quickly become a local favorite and staple of Chicago-area craft beer purveyors. Their sole taproom location is refreshingly minimal in both design and execution, stripped of all excess elements which can clutter the experience. There are no tours, no food, no waiters, no dining area and, most notably, no cash or tipping. Instead, patrons are encouraged to pick up a shirt, buy a beer for their server(s) or buy a beer for a friend, the results of which are tracked on two massive chalkboard charts. This straightforward approach helps to keep the focus on the most important element: the ambiance the bike rack outside the beer.

One unique addition that has helped to set SO apart is its supremely badass in-house artist who designs all of their artwork. Black and silver beer labels look like album covers. T-shirts adorned with skulls and gauntlets look like tour shirts. The fonts on their beer list look like a schedule of bands appearing at Wacken. It’s tricky to say whether this artist is a fan of the same bands we all know and love, or if they just happen to have a style particularly suited to catching the average metalhead’s eye, but with beer names like Kidnapped By Vikings and None More Black, there’s at least a small degree of conscious acknowledgement.

This isn’t to say that SO specifically courts metal fans; you won’t find any beat-up Warlocks hanging on the wall or cheesy metallic foil murals of Dio behind the bar (although one time they did play a full Pelican album thru the stereo). Like any good business, or any good band, they know how to target and cater to their core audience while still keeping things appealing enough to newcomers. Still, it’s not hard to imagine seeing that art style on the poster above on the next Trap Them album.

On to the beer! Here are some not-at-all-helpful descriptions of what was available on tap that day.

Punk Rock for Rich Kids
A light-tasting beer the color of an old blonde telecaster; hoppy & citrusy with a light melon/Belgian finish. Very drinkable and damn good. Tastes like it would be best enjoyed on a nice, hot day with just the right amount of cool breeze, if the hot day is your mouth, and the cool breeze is this beer.

Mr. Innappropriate
Slightly more bitter than PRfRK, this beer has a hoppier aroma and a sweeter, slightly more pronounced Belgian finish. Like being punched in the tongue by a pissed off mosh pitter whose girlfriend’s boobs you accidentally brushed against, only his fist is made of this beer. Tastes like it would be best enjoyed at a particularly drunk and intense Skeletonwitch concert.

Pyrros
Amber-colored with bitter caramel and dark fruit flavors; reminiscent of a sweet, drunken jack-o-lantern (on fire). If this beer were a time and place, it would be an acoustic Moonsorrow concert in the woods at sunset on a mid-autumn evening.

Eigengrau
A clean-tasting black Kolsch with a strong coffee flavor and nutty finish; instantly makes you want more. Tastes the way Rammstein covering Satyricon at an abandoned coffee mill would sound.

Butterfly Flashmob
Grassy, hoppy and earthy, resembles the smell of a dank basement (in the best possible way) with delicious hops basting in the sunlight. If a horde of forest creatures could drink and wrote a song about drinking and then had Battlecross sing that song about drinking, it would be this beer. Does that make sense? No.

Snaggletooth Bandana
A solid, hoppy IPA body with subtle pineapple/mango/grapefruit flavors. Feels like being on tour and stopping at a dive bar expecting a crappy house beer but getting this pint glass of golden perfection instead. This is the one time where having a snaggletooth is definitely a good thing.

beers1_700

 

What have you been drinking lately? What’s your favorite local spot? Discuss in the comments below. Stay tuned for next time when we visit the mighty Three Floyds.

(Header image via)

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  • Paris Hilton

    I’m definitely a beer pleb 🙁 feelsbadman.jpg

    • I just like beer. It don’t have to be all fancy-like.

      • Paris Hilton

        Same man. My favorites include MGD & Rolling Rock. It’d be a cold day in Hell before you caught me drinking hot beer like the British!

      • Randall Thor

        It’s not a Charlotte punk/crust/stoner show until the trashcan is full of PBR.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        That’s all that’s required, really. I love a good craft beer but I’m not a huge snob about it. I have a few beer snob buddies though who will (politely) refuse people’s offerings if it’s not up to their standards. That sucks.

        • Poop Mango

          I couldn’t tell you about, like, the bouquet, or whatever, or note “hints of “, but I get picky about it. If I’m dropping $6-7 for a pint, it should taste a bit better than Bud Light. But I don’t really like getting drunk, I like beer as a beverage, so there’s no benefit to drinking something I won’t enjoy, free or not.

          • Bud Light… WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! bro-fist

          • Deputy Dipshit

            FRAT WATER!
            *rolls coal*

          • meet up at the BWW for the big game? buckets are on sale if you wear a sports team jersey!

          • Deputy Dipshit

            Lets park across 6 spaces so everyone can look at our bad ass coal rollers!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            FUCK YEAH BRO!!!

            *buys faux-metal artwork Under Armour shirt*
            *pairs it with finest basketball shorts*
            *parks F150 across 6 spaces*
            *rolls coal to the entire parking lot, throws hands in air entire time*
            *blasts new Godsmack, proclaims it to be THE HEAVIEST SHIT EVER BRO*
            *goes inside, slams 8 Natty Ices*
            *goes for butt grab on waitress, accidentally hit in head by passing fat dude*
            *falls out of seat, face smacks floor*
            *stands up, adjusts flat-brimmed Monster Energy Drink hat*
            *hugs fellow bro for support*

          • Deputy Dipshit

            Legitimately laughing out loud on a packed commuter train.
            *standing ovation*
            Rolls coal to the entire parking lot, hands in the air the entire time has me in tears laughing!

      • LAMENTATIONS OF THE WOMEN

        Dude, I just started seeing cans of Miller Lite in stores near me. They may have always have been there, but for some reason, there’s something nostalgic to me about swilling from those cans that I used to steal from my dad 20 years ago.

        • I love the 80s style can. I don’t even like Miller Lite but I’ve found myself drinking it at shows because I love the can so much.

  • W.

    I am the table!

    • Tyree

      Is there any one sitting next to ya Dubya? Can I join?

      • W.

        I’m all alone in this world.

        • Tyree

          Nothing a craft beer and good company can’t fix.

          • W.

            Actually, today will be fine when i get off work. It’s Mrs. W’s birthday.

          • Give Laura a happy b-day from me, you ol’ rascal, you.

          • W.

            Actually, today will be fine when i get off work. It’s Mrs. W’s birthday.

        • Tyree

          Nothing a craft beer and good company can’t fix.

        • Jesus Christ

          You’re not alone, Georgie ;*

    • CyberneticOrganism

      *spills beer on table* FUUUCK

      • Tyree

        Dammit, now the tables sticky.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Hang on I’ll clean it u… *trips on table leg, falls onto table, smashing everyone’s drinks*

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            nice work, i looked at this article 3 times before i noticed the face in the window. ahhahhahhaha

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Someone should really get him out of there

          • Stockhausen

            The beer may have some off flavors, like rotten flesh.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Blashyrk Bock

  • Just a Heineken or Wernesgrüner for me.

    http://instagram.com/p/k8X7XgvduL/?modal=true

    • Tyree

      Where do I open the box?

  • Howard Dean

    Nice read. Well done and thank you!

    Personal favorite beer: Shed Mountain Ale. A rugged brown ale with 7.4% ABV, yet a delicious taste. Dean approved!

    http://www.nhdist.com/includes/logos/TheShed_MtnAle.png

  • Deputy Dipshit

    Three Floyds?! Surely, someone has to be interested in a beer exchange!!!!
    My favorite (semi) local brewery in Lakewood, NY:
    http://www.stcbeer.com
    Hands down my favorite pumpkin ale ever, Pumking (in imperial one at that), and some of my favorite stouts ever (Choklat, Creme Brulee, Mokah, Warlock (Imperial pumpkin stout))
    http://www.mainsthuron.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/pumking.jpg

    • Randall Thor

      The Pumking was my very first craft beer in 2011. It changed my life.

      • Deputy Dipshit

        It really is a life changer. I had always enjoyed pumpkin ales at the local brewpubs, but once I had the ‘king they all paled in comparison. I imagine that if there is an afterlife, barrel aged Pumking would flow its golden deliciousness forever.

        • Randall Thor

          I forgot the name of it, but when I get home tonight, I’ll share with you a pumpkin beer I found that may trump even the Pumking

          • Deputy Dipshit

            Please do! I’m tasting countless new beers ever week, I am an enthusiast. Looooooooove the fuck out of good beer.

    • Tyree

      ‘Tis the season almost for some epic pumpkin beers. There is one deli/bar here where I live that puts out a full menu of just pumpkin beers. They have 20 some plus pumpkin beers on draft in October and November. I usually spend a lot of money during the fall.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Pumking kicks ass m/ I’m not ready for summer to end but I do really look forward to drinking it again

      • Deputy Dipshit

        I already picked up a case 😛 I have a couple bottles of Warlock from last year that will continue to sit and age.

    • Flushgod Apocalypse

      The Creme Brulee is abso-fucking-lutely delicious. I also love their 2xIPA!

      • Deputy Dipshit

        Creme Brulee might have been my first stout experience with Southern Tier… I will forever be in love with that stuff!

    • Dead Oceans

      You should try the Oak Jack Imperial Pumpkin from Uinta Brewing. A little pricey, but it’s the best pumpkin ale I have ever had and it’s also barrel aged!

      • Deputy Dipshit

        Uinta’s Sea Legs Baltic Porter is phenomenal, I can only imagine their pumpkin ale! I might need to call on you for a beer exchange, don’t see much Uinta out here unfortunately.

        • Dead Oceans

          Just let me know! I manage a liquor store that specializes in craft beer here in Los Angeles and I do all the ordering. All the pumpkin ales should start trickling in this month hopefully 🙂

          • Deputy Dipshit

            Fuck yea, man, that would be sick! Are you in RH&RC?

          • Dead Oceans

            Not too sure what that is 🙁

          • Deputy Dipshit

            That would be awesome! Let me know how to get in touch, would be sick to get a cross country beer exchange going!

          • Dead Oceans

            Just hit me up anytime! saenz_joshua@yahoo.com

          • Dëpütÿ Dïpshït

            Sorry been off of this account for a while, send you over an email today!

          • Dead Oceans

            Not a problem, I haven’t really been on this account either. Either way, sounds good!

    • Rob M

      Ive been meaning to try Pumking for the longest time, but my go-to pumpkin ale has always been from Schlafly

      http://cdn.pastemagazine.com/www/blogs/lists/2013/10/07/schlafly.jpg

    • Stockhausen

      Dude, I would be down for some brew trading. I miss a lot of good stuff here in OK, but there are a few breweries around here that’ll put some hair on your chest.

      • Deputy Dipshit

        Yea man, we’ll get something going in RH&RC, would be badass!

  • Tyree

    Nice! I’d like a sample of all please. I’ve been in love with the 0 Barrel / Bluejacket / Stone Suede Imperial Porter and the Victory Dirt Wolf Imperial IPA lately. But my go to beer is usually Victory Hop Devil.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Hop Devil is the tits, that’s an “always order” for me every time I see it on the beer list.

  • Dental_Damnation

    I live within a one block radius of 4 microbrews that are fucking awesome. Try Brassneck, Parallel 49, Main Street Brewery, and Red Truck if you’re ever in Vancouver. None have that metal element as much as this place except for one that actually puts on the occasional metal show and brews in house called Pat’s Pub…but their selection is weak and some of it tastes like cat period piss. Hence why they bring in the metalhead & punk crowds.

    • Poop Mango

      BC in general is full of good breweries. It seems like every podunk town in the interior has at least one microbrewery, if not more. And yet, everyone still drinks piss like Canadian or Pil.

      • Dental_Damnation

        My friend is a seasoned alcoholic and he drinks the cheapest beer possible despite the fact he can get more beer by filling two growlers and save $5 per 12 pack!

  • Randall Thor

    True warriors also enjoy great craft beer. We may have more in common than I once thought, friends.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Warriors need refreshment. Beer is refreshing.

      • Randall Thor

        There’s nothing quite like arriving at the tavern after a long day’s journey to have a cold pint of ale while the gleeman entertains us with juggling and stories

        • CyberneticOrganism

          I prefer a flagon of ale, just so I can say “flagon”

          • Randall Thor

            You win today. Congratulations. I will update my vocabulary appropriately.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            No problemo.

  • Xan

    I’ve yet to try any alcohol because I’m not yet old enough to do so legally. Two more years.

    • Paris Hilton

      21 is such a brutal age for legal drinking haha when I was underage I used to go where I knew bouncers, hit offsales that don’t ID, or got a puller if worse came to worst

      • Xan

        Yeah. It is such an arbitrary and stupid age to set the legality of it to. I’m a cunting do-gooder and thus don’t want to break the law so I shall wait.

        • Tyree

          Keep being a cunting do-gooder.

        • Paris Hilton

          In Canada the age is only 18 in some places. It’s fucking rad! But yes, it’s a good idea to follow the law despite what “libertarians” will tell you!

          • Poop Mango

            It sure is fucking rad. Also, makes it easier to underage drink, since 18 year olds are dumber and thus way easier to talk into getting you booze.

          • Paris Hilton

            Yeah haha even 19 year olds can be suckered in pretty easy. Weed is easy to find in Canada too, though I just quit that shit lol

          • Steve Smithwick

            You quit that shit? This is going to impact our relationship, PH.

          • KJM

            I’m cool with picking up the slack on this one. ^_^

          • Paris Hilton

            Go ahead! I can’t smoke it anymore. It just gives me a panic attack these days, I also want to be very successful later in life and I don’t think weed is a part of that picture for me, personally.

          • KJM

            It’s my one vice. Heck, I don’t even drink coffee. Besides, it’s not as if I have that much “later” to my life and I’ve done ok.

          • Paris Hilton

            And that’s alright! Different strokes for different folks!

          • Bert Banana

            I go through the same thing now. I got to the point where everyone one I knew outside my family sold weed. Hell, it was easier for me to get weed than booze…even at a legal age

          • Paris Hilton

            Yeah haha even 19 year olds can be suckered in pretty easy. Weed is easy to find in Canada too, though I just quit that shit lol

          • Poop Mango

            It sure is fucking rad. Also, makes it easier to underage drink, since 18 year olds are dumber and thus way easier to talk into getting you booze.

        • W.

          Don’t worry about being a do-gooder. Staying out of trouble tends to yield better long-term effects.

          • Xan

            It has worked for me so far. Most of my friends that decided to drink heavily (some started using drugs) have fallen into a rut. I’m just focused on maintaining good grades before I transfer from community college to a full university.

          • W.

            Good plan. I drank way too much in undergrad, and it definitely took a toll on my life.

          • Christian Molenaar

            Are we the same person??

          • Xan

            I have often pondered the same question in my darkest reveries.

          • KJM

            Well done. Stick to this plan.

        • KJM

          Everything should be one age, either 18 or 21.

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        so that was you i always let into the bar, thought you looked familiar. One year i was working new years and these girls sweet talked me into letting them in. I think half the place was underage. I would have gotten brutal fines for letting them in if the cops showed up. Fuck it, let the kids have fun i say.

      • Welcome to south america, where the law is so lax most of us start drinking at age 15

        • Bert Banana

          When I was in Ecuador for the summer of 01’…I hit just about every bar in Quito by my 16th birthday

    • Steve Smithwick

      Don’t worry ’bout it. Weed is better anyway, although enjoyed responsibly, both can be quite good.

      • Flushgod Apocalypse

        I second this statement!!!

    • KJM

      I drank so much as a teenager that by the time I was of legal age I’d almost lost interest completely. However, I was the first of my crew to turn 21 so I was stuck with it for a while.

  • I’m fortunate – I have a really good friend that works at my favorite brewery (Austin Beer Works). If you’re ever in Texas, all of their varieties are highly recommended.

    • Tyree

      My buddy is going to a music festival in Austin Texas. Any good recommendation besides Austin Beer Works? I’m sure he would happy to go to some of them.

      • There are a ton of breweries in town! The best imo:
        1) ABW
        2) Hops & Grains
        3) Live Oak Brewery

        • Tyree

          Awesome! I’ll let him know.

    • Owlswald

      You tried Jester King? Was curious to try them and the fact they have a Black Metal Farmhouse Imperial Stout helps.

      • I dig Jester King for occasional sippin’. It’s very much a craft brew, though.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Awesome! We’ve got a buddy who home brews, and it’s better than a lot of local spots. We’ve been trying to get him for years to open up a small brewery; we’d all kickstart the hell out of that.

    • if we tell him that we know Joe Thashnkill, will we get a smile and handshake?

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    ……

    • i genuinely like Arsenio.

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        i will say this for him, he hasn’t aged.

  • Randall Thor

    Oh yeah, I’m supposed to talk about beer. I live in NC, and between Raleigh, Charlotte, and Asheville, we are constantly churning out crazy good beer. Foothills, OMB, Birdsong, NoDa Brewing, and so many more. Ugh. It’s a problem, there’s too much good beer.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    In all honesty, where I live in Michigan, I’m near so many kick ass breweries. It’s just insane. Bells, New Holland, Founders, Greenbush, Tapistry, White Flame, Dark Horse…

    • Tyree

      Founders Breakfast Stout is fucking amazing. I know I’ve said this before, but fuck it.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Fuck it, indeed.

      • Deputy Dipshit

        I managed to get a couple classes of Founders KBS this year. It was life changing.

        • Tyree

          You lucky dog you. I can’t find that shit any where.

          • Deputy Dipshit

            This one craft beer/restaurant managed to get one keg and did a tasting one night. It was limited to one glass per person, but both me and the Mrs. managed to get two glasses. So fucking good.

    • Steve Smithwick

      It’s not bad in Southern Maine either. Shipyard, Allagash, Sea Dog, all some pretty good shit locally. I’m not much of a beer drinker and my opinion is low-value because of it, but a lot of these places get high praise from my out of town visitors that go touring these spots.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        I like beer, because I HATE life. Drunken void of death!

        • Tyree

          BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!

        • Howard Dean

          No trendies. No light beers. Only death (and dark beer). TOTAL SATAN!

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Enter the chaos! Total fucking oblivion!

          • Howard Dean

            BYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

            Anti-human, anti-fun, anti-trend, anti-cosmic, anti-life.

            Cut your flesh and worship Satan!

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
          • Howard Dean

            m/

        • CyberneticOrganism
      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        I like beer, because I HATE life. Drunken void of death!

      • Randall Thor

        I could drink Allagash White for the rest of my life

    • Deputy Dipshit

      Jiminy fuckin’ Christmas.

      • Let’s hope Jiminy is using protection.

        • Deputy Dipshit

          I should rephrase; Jiminy fucked Christmas, that’s how we got Lloyd.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Never heard of Tapistry, but I fucking love Bells, New Holland, Founders, Greenbush and especially Dark Horse. Their brewpub is awesome.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        I don’t believe Tapistry bottles, which could be part of the reason. They have a tasty porter.

  • Paris Hilton

    Anybody drink cider? It is the perfect fucking summer drink! Not quite as bitter as beer, yet not as sweet as juice. Really, it is fucking perfect for coming home after a tough day.

    • Howard Dean

      Cider and shandies! Byyyyaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!
      Cider: Woodchuck, Farnhum Hill (local to me), Angry Orchard, all pretty decent!
      Shandy: Harpoon Big Squeeze Shandy (also local to me). Amazingly good and refreshing beer!

      • Paris Hilton

        Angry Orchid is fucking delicious!

      • Where are you located, you big, beautiful, byaaahing bastard, you?

      • Where are you located, you big, beautiful, byaaahing bastard, you?

        • Howard Dean

          From Vermont originally (seriously; I actually lived there when Howard Dean was governor), and I live in New Hampshire now. These two tiny states are literally overflowing with microbreweries and cider makers. Micro-distilleries are on the rise, too.

      • STROOOOOOOOOOONGBOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!

      • Deputy Dipshit

        McKenzie’s Hard Cider m/

    • I dig Fox Barrel Pear Cider. It’s real good shit, and I don’t even like Pears.

      • Howard Dean

        That shits awesome. Almost too close to delicious juice, though. One minute you’re enjoying one, the next minute you’ve destroyed three 4-packs and you have explosive diarrhea.

    • I dig Fox Barrel Pear Cider. It’s real good shit, and I don’t even like Pears.

    • Tyree

      Keewaydin Cider Semi-Dry is really good. It’s made at a local brewery here in my town.

      http://www.ratebeer.com/beer/keewaydin-cider-semi-dry/104333/

    • Tyree

      Keewaydin Cider Semi-Dry is really good. It’s made at a local brewery here in my town.

      http://www.ratebeer.com/beer/keewaydin-cider-semi-dry/104333/

    • Not cider, but it is fucking hard to stop drinking mountain dew. I’m in perfect shape but I can’t stop drinking that shit. I swear it is laced with cocaine or something.

      • W.

        I once drank 12 cans of mountain dew in 49 minutes just to see if I could do it in under an hour. I don’t recommend that course of action.

        • and how long did you spend throwing up afterwards sir?

        • Poop Mango

          Mmmmm vegetable oil

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Diabeetus

          • Howard Dean

            Whatever happened to Wilford Brimley (the MS commenter, not the actual actor)?

          • Deputy Dipshit

            This is just incredible.

        • you could have just drank one can of SURGE!

          • Rob M

            Anyone else around here old enough to remember Jolt Cola?

            http://www.colawp.com/CCC/History/jolt/jolt-02.jpg

          • KJM

            Yep, truly noxious stuff. It sure keeps you awake though!

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            remember when they brought out new coke and pulled the original off the shelf, i think it was 85, there was a huge uproar, it was a public relations nightmare for coke. My friend and i used to go to a museum that didn’t change their machines because it was like the dead zone there, run by some old guy. It was right full of original coke and we would go every other day and stock up.
            That pepsi clear was the shits too. Also do you remember the brief yo yo fad of the 80’s ? Coke sent these professional yo yo artists to the schools to promote their product. And they brought these yo yos to sell with the coke logo, sprite logo, etc. All of a sudden the whole schools system was overun with kids playing with fucking yo yos. Maybe this only happened in canada.
            Another phenomenon was playing marbles, kids did this at every break, some had what they called steelies which were especially desirable. it was 1980 so i was 11. I never was into either of those pastimes and thought everyone was a victim of some sort of mass hysteria, perhaps similiar to the babymetal fad. ahahhahahahha.

          • KJM

            I don’t recall the yo-yo thing, but definitely the new/old Coke battle.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            it’s strange, i looked it up and the the yo yo thing was HUGE in the UK, south africa , of course canada & few other countries. An odd phenomenon that didn’t hit the states.

          • Tyree

            I miss it so much.

        • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

          i drank big gulps, super big gulps, and later double gulps from 83 – 2003. I do not recommend it.

      • KJM

        I quit cigarettes on my first try but I can’t stop drinking that crap.

    • Further Down the Metal Hole

      Cider is perfection, quite unlike this “beer” people rave about. Peasants!

  • Quarter Ounce Harrell

    right down the street from a wonderful brewer called victory brew company. shits the only place around were i can get these by the dozen.

    • Tyree

      Jealous. Dirt Wolf, Hop Devil, and Storm King are some of my favorites.

      • Quarter Ounce Harrell

        mhhh hob devil. lots of good times with that.

        • Tyree

          Eric Burke the guitar player from Sulaco, Brutal Truth, and Lethargy has the Hop Devil logo on his neck. I’d post a picture but I’m having trouble finding one.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Ha that’s badass

      • Deputy Dipshit

        Motherflushing Storm King m/

      • Dead Oceans

        Forgot Golden Monkey!

        • Tyree

          Ya know I can’t get into that beer. I know a lot people that love it though.

    • ParallaxativeHyperStool

      They make some fantastic shit, lucky you’re so close.

  • Mon*Star
  • God

    Man, I know I’ll get shit for this, but I don’t drink. Still this article was a good read either way. The only time I’ve come remotely close to drinking is when I put alcohol in my food. Beer bread and spiced rum cupcakes. Yum!

    • Paris Hilton

      Somehow I feel more comfortable knowing that an omnscient, all-powerful deity isn’t drunk.

      • Jesus Christ

        Dont worry bruhhh I got that part covered

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Big surprise JC is a friggin’ lifeloving drunk…

          • Poop Mango

            Well, wine IS the blood of Christ.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Tou-fucking-che.

          • Jesus Christ

            Peace, Love, and a Tall Glass of Stout

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Jesus fucking Christ.

      • Jesus Christ

        Dont worry bruhhh I got that part covered

    • Paris Hilton

      Somehow I feel more comfortable knowing that an omnscient, all-powerful deity isn’t drunk.

    • I don’t drink either. Huge history of alcoholism in my family. I figured I might as well avoid that.

      • God

        See it doesn’t run in my family, but I have an addictive personality so I try to stay away from anything that would be harmful in excessive amounts. That’s why I have 300 gb of music (and growing) to satisfy my lust for stuff.

        • I too have an addictive personality. As evidenced by the large amount of steam games I own but will never play lol.

          • God

            Oh man and tshirts. Last I counted I had 120 band tshirts.

          • W.

            I got rid of a bunch of mine about a year ago.

          • Paris Hilton

            I pretty much just use band shirts for the gym these days

          • W.

            I basically just wear them at home or when I’m running/working out.

          • God

            Mary wants me to get rid of a bunch of mine. But I can’t do it. I love wearing them too much.

          • Deputy Dipshit

            Do you wear all of your band tshirts at once, our royal holiness, our confidant in the clouds, God?

          • HOLY FUCKBALLS. I don’t think I’ve owned 120 tshirts through my entire life.

          • Christian Molenaar

            To be fair, let’s think about how long God’s life has been. It’s really a pretty small number.

          • Tyree

            I’ll have to count mine some day, I’m sure I’m at least to 100. Impressive sir.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            I’ve never counted mine before. I should do that.

          • Scrimm

            I’m about the same. Its getting ridiculous.

          • but alcohol helps with games like Antichamber.

          • Fuck that game. My head….

        • Paris Hilton

          I know that feel. That’s why I’m into working out, I have a super addictive personality. If something feels good I want more of it and I want it right fucking now. Figured if I have to be addicted to something it might as well be something healthy and constructive!

        • Max

          Well, you could lay off the creating stuff. That seems to have gotten a bit out of hand. And what’s with all the impulse lightning bolts? We’re not insects, y’know.

    • I don’t drink either. Huge history of alcoholism in my family. I figured I might as well avoid that.

    • MSD only gets drunk off of the blood of posers.

    • MSD only gets drunk off of the blood of posers.

      • Rhonda Pearlman

        Well that’s mighty generous of you. Just one though? We know you better than that.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      No shit given, to each their own.

    • “man, i know i’ll get shit for this” … God, you’re lost and/or confused. this isn’t MS, you’re among friends.

    • Metaphysical Anus

      I don’t drink either my friend. My father was an alcoholic.

    • crazytaco_12

      Same here dude. I casually might have a cider or something at some point, but I generally don’t get much out of drinking (especially drinking the piss that is beer). I also don’t smoke cigs or weed (even though it’s legal in my state). Different strokes.

      • Rob M

        Gah!…Not saying it would change your mind or anything, but good beer dosnt taste anything like the watered down shit you get out of a can of Coors and the like.

        • crazytaco_12

          Dude, I’ve had it all. I’ve had numerous buds (no pun intended) show me stuff they consider top shelf from local brewers and such, just doesn’t taste different to me, just more bad or less bad

          • Rob M

            Ive heard rumors about people like you, but I never knew they actually existed

    • Lord Ov Kapsko

      God you crazy. Why would you invent all ov those crazy drugs and addictive subtances without trying them first. You gave people weed and ice cream and this should be concidered a war crime.

      • God

        I knew some people would enjoy them so I gave them to you anyway 🙂

        • Lord Ov Kapsko

          God you based. Thank you.

      • God

        I knew some people would enjoy them so I gave them to you anyway 🙂

    • Further Down the Metal Hole

      Step aside with your wannabe controversial comment, God, and brace yourself, for mine WILL result in a lot of disbelief: I don’t like the taste of beer, period.

      Your glorious nectar offers me NOTHING! But being Scottish requires me to love some drink, so I go for cider and (duh) whisky instead.

    • The Prophet Mohammed

      How ironic that God doesn’t drink and the one true prophet is a daily drinker.

  • Jesus Christ

    There was a place back in Jersey before I moved called the Hearthstone Grill and they make their own beer on sight. They have one pirate themed beer and unknowingly used artwork from a Swashbuckle album to advertise.

  • Jesus Christ

    There was a place back in Jersey before I moved called the Hearthstone Grill and they make their own beer on sight. They have one pirate themed beer and unknowingly used artwork from a Swashbuckle album to advertise.

  • Free State, 23rd Street Brewery, and Boulevard (not really local anymore) are all good beers from around my boring neck of the woods.

  • Fuck this kidshit

    WOW this “site” sucks even more than Metalsucks, it’s not only garbarge, its PRETENTIOUS GARBAGE. Enjoy your second of glory, Joe!

    • Jesus Christ

      Hi there. How are you? How’ve the kids been?

    • Paris Hilton

      WOW this “comment” sucks even more than Metalsucks Comments, it’s not only garbarge, its PRETENTIOUS GARBAGE. Enjoy your second of glory, Fuck this kidshit

    • Try not to let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

      • Paris Hilton

        Haxl Posenburg detected and confirmed.

      • Mr.CustodialArts

        “Don’t let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya.” That’s what ol’ Pappy would say as he shot botfly-infested squirrels out the trees.

    • Poop Mango
    • Fuck off Frances.

    • M Shadows!

      Typical cunting lifelover, bai.

    • W.

      Enjoy your stay in the toilet.

    • Tyree

      Looks like some one has poopy pants. Better change your pants and take a nap.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Obviously you prefer the Babymetal articles.

    • what, you don’t like cunting lifelovers?

      P.S. the jelly is strong with this one.

  • Shitstain Mcghee

    I can get down on hefty IPA’s from breweries like Green Flash and Ninkasi, but my go to is Scotch.

    I even used Scotch to help describe extreme metal, and use extreme metal to describe Scotch. Because to a casual passer-by, they are both overly intense, but if you pay close enough attention and spend enough time with them the subtle nuances become increasingly apparent. Eventually, you may even find yourself addicted to the complexity to the point where you can still appreciate the simpler stuff, but you’ll always be subconsciously comparing to the good stuff.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      It’s such an easy comparison, isn’t it?

    • W.

      I’ve told this story before, but when i graduated with my Master’s, a buddy and I split a 25-year-old bottle of Glenlivet. We figured it would soon become prohibitively expensive to drink Scotch older than us.

      • Shitstain Mcghee

        Absolutely agreed! In my opinion, a lot of whiskys tend to peak between 18-25 years anyway. The 30+ year olds tend to have too much cask influence… with a few glaring exceptions of course.

        My staples these days are from Arbeg, Kilchoman, Talisker, Old Pulteney, and Balblair.

        • W.

          I haven’t had a good Scotch in a while. I’ll need to check those out.

          • Shitstain Mcghee

            Should you look into these, my recommendations:

            Ardbeg 10 is a steal if you like peat… Corryvreckan or Uigeadail if you REALLY like peat and smoke.

            Kilchoman 100% Islay
            Talisker 10 or 18. Their NAS leave a little to be desired
            Old Pulteney 17 or 21
            Balblair 00 or 02 are perfect for the summer.

            And if you like sherry aged, Glendronach 12 and 15 are probably the best bang for your buck.

          • Bert Banana

            I love scotch but I can’t drink it any more. I probably can’t drink any hard liquor any more…I become an asshole too quickly

          • Flushgod Apocalypse

            I just envisioned a drunk and shouting banana.

          • Bert Banana
          • Flushgod Apocalypse

            Lol, fuckin’ David Cross. I haven’t watched ATHF in years; I guess I need to fix that.

          • Bert Banana

            This episode is from like 2008/09…I haven’t watched ATHF in years too

          • KJM

            I’m still a steady consumer of ATHF , Squidbillies, Metalocalypse, & Venture Bros. The rest of AS I can live without.

  • YourLogicSucks

    Well. I live less than 10 minutes from this mofo and never heard of it. Good thing i have nothing to do Saturday!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Cool, go check it out!

  • Xan

    i just got an email that makes my nutsack tingle:

    • Howard Dean

      Nice. I love when orders ship. Second only to when they arrive in the motherfuckin’ mailbox!

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        I order enough stuff off ebay that i literally get something everyday of the week for months at a time. Even if the whole day goes to shit i have something to look forward to, sometimes anything gets a person through the day. Better than taking drugs i guess.

        • Mr.CustodialArts

          I almost got hit by a UPS truck banging around the corner to deliver my shit on time-it amused me to think that I practically orchestrated my own demise by clicking “purchase.”

  • Owlswald

    If any of you flushers come through Portland, I’ll make sure you go home full of hoppy goodness and headaches. As for metal and beer, Eugene has Ninkasi which is an awesome brewery and likewise has awesome metal themed beers.

  • LAMENTATIONS OF THE WOMEN

    In my neck of the woods there is a brewer called Berkshire Brewing Company. They make a product called “STEEL RAIL” that you can buy in a growler, and is in my opinion the nectar of the gods. You can find their beer at most lower New England beer bars, and at fine purveyors of quality beers and spirits.

    http://www.berkshirebrewingcompany.com/

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Very cool. My all-time favorites have to be 1) Trinity Brewing’s Flo Cask IPA, and 2) Three Floyds’ Zombie Dust. Both are made completely different but have that same “light from heaven” (or hell, whichever) effect when you first taste them.

      Man I want a beer now.

      • LAMENTATIONS OF THE WOMEN

        BBC makes this Scotch ale that they age in Bourbon Barrels. It’s a limited release beer. I always buy out the entire stock of it when it hits my local stores. Call me greedy.

        • Rob M

          Founders makes one as well… Backwoods Bastard. Only comes out in the fall.

          I always try to stock up on shit ton of it when I see my relatives for Thanksgiving

      • Deputy Dipshit

        Almost got my hands on Zombie Dust, a local craft beer place took a road trip out there and bought a bunch of Three Floyds stuff. I basically try to find people to do exchanges for some of their stuff whenever there’s a beer convo. 😛

        Side note: Cracking a bomber of Cricket Hill Bourbon Barrel Imperial Porter later… Hope it’s good.

  • so i live in St. Louis about six blocks from the wonderful* Anheuser-Busch brewery!!!
    so great seeing bro’s in Cardinals shirts drinking Bud Light. makes me proud (tears up)

    i’d say my favorite beer would be St. Peter’s Cream Stout

    BTW, great article, C.O.!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Thanks man ┼ ┼ ┼

  • Gurp

    Excellent! I have family in the Chicago area, so I’ll have to give this a shot.

  • HessianHunter

    Yeah, a brewery with gothic fonts and a beer named “kidnapped by vikings” is cute, but allow me to one up you and pat my hometown on the back yet again. HammerHeart in the Minneapolis suburbs is unapologetically viking/metal themed and has a rotating taplist including “Runestone Stout” “Barrel Aged Serpensblod”. After all, we are collectively like 50% Scandinavian up here in Minnesota. https://www.facebook.com/HammerHeartBrewingCompany

    Oh, and the brewmaster of this most metal of alcoholeries is Austin Lunn, AKA Panopticon, AKA MOTHERFUCKING PANOPTICON, HOLY SHIT
    http://thetruepanopticon.bandcamp.com/album/kentucky

    • HessianHunter

      If this comment gets 666 likes I will do a full write-up of the joint. Or fewer than that, probably, because getting hammered and listening to Bathory with my bandmate (who works there) sounds like a great way to spend a day of “journalistic research.”

      • Bert Banana

        I wonder if we have 666 member to upvote this

        • HessianHunter

          Definitely not, I was being completely facetious with that number.

          • Bert Banana

            That says quite a bit about MS

    • Dat Panopticon is vying for the #1 spot on my list this year.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I’ve heard of Hammerheart, it looks & sounds awesome. Let’s do a writeup together; I’ll be right over.

      The next article/brewery will be a bit further down the metal hole; I chose this place first because it was the easiest to get to on limited time and has just enough metal touches to keep things interesting.

      • HessianHunter

        You mean you’ll come up to MN?

        • CyberneticOrganism

          I can travel anywhere.

          • HessianHunter

            Maeth is going on tour very shortly so it would have to be after August, but assuming you’re serious, contact our band email and get a hold of me.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            In all seriousness I’d never be able to make it up there with work and travel plans coming up in the next couple months, but it would be cool to work on the column together. If you visit the brewery, you could always do the writeup and take some pictures of the place, send em to me, then I can edit & format it all together to make it look pretty.

          • HessianHunter

            I’ll try to get this done in early September. Press pass for free beer sound TIYEEEET.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Also, good luck on tour man, let us know how it goes.

  • JWG

    One of my favourite breweries is Unibroue from Chambly, Quebec, especially since every one of the names and labels they use (Exhibit A) could look equally ‘right’ as the cover of a quebecois folkish blackened power metal album.

    The scene on ‘Maudite’ (Exhibit B) in particular is based on a French-Canadian folk tale that was also represented in the cover art for Blackguard’s ‘Profugus Mortis’ (Exhibit C). See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chasse-galerie

    I think that pretty much demonstrates my point.

    • Bert Banana

      La Fin Du Monde is my favourite Unibroue followed by Trois Pistols, Blanche du Chambry and then Maudite…but I haven’t had too many Maudites.

  • Elizabeth Short

    Speaking of Chicago and metal and beer/food, was in Chicago for the first time in a very long time couple years ago and hit up Kuma’s Corner. Waited about as long as our friends told us we would (fortunately there was a handy pub very close by), and we had a good time–delicious and fairly imaginative burgers named after metal bands and got to listen to eyehategod and cattle decapitation with my delicious mostly northern Illinois beers and food times. Not sure if the local metal peoples frequent it too much, though. Going back to Chicago soon, was curious if it’s still worth the wait or if I should check out another spot or two. Won’t be a long stay.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Kuma’s, if you can get a seat in under 2 hours, is badass. Amazing food, music and beer. Our buddy has one of their “black cards” that gets you to the front of the line every time. I’d go there more if I lived closer to downtown.

  • Scrimm

    This

    • Rob M

      Waaaay better in theory than actual execution

      • Scrimm

        I enjoy it.

        • Rob M

          Dont get me wrong..its not horrible or anything, just very average. With all the talk of how Bruce is such a big ale enthusiast, I had higher expectations for it.

          • Scrimm

            True. Admittedly I am such a Bruce fanboy I would probably still like it even if it was just Budweiser with a different label.

  • Guppusmaximus

    “Wylde and pinch harmonics…”

    I think you mean [Vivian] Campbell and Pinch Harmonics because his time in Dio is what influenced Wylde when playing for Ozzy whether he wants to admit to it or not.

  • Rob M

    While theres a couple of solid breweries in my area (Du Claw and Heavy Seas) theres only a couple I would actually consider awesome (Evolution, DC Brau, and Brewers Art), fortunately thats more than made up for by the huge number of awesome breweries that actually distribute to my area

  • KJM

    Where’s the Miller High Life?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkrPHv5qOCc