Brütal Brëws: More Metal Beers from Three Floyds

Mmm, more liquid metal.

Awhile back I made the brilliant decision to remodel my bathroom. I’m not one of those guys who does home repair shit, but I figured with enough instructional YouTube videos (and enough shouting down your internal thoughts of “no no don’t touch that holy fuck what did you do“) you can basically step-by-step your way through just about anything these days. I was optimistic and naive, thinking I’d have it done by the end of the weekend. Wrong.

The night of the teardown, the T-X was savvy enough to spot these three kickass beers (two of which are band collaborations) from Three Floyds, Indiana’s mecca of craft brewing and frequent subject of reviews in this column. These would provide us with the critical courage needed to rip important bathroom-type things off fragile drywall, around pipes, between tiny doorways and generally make a colossal mess. And hey you know what? They helped. Here’s a rundown of each beer and the manner in which it accompanied my foolhardy home improvement endeavor.

Initially in the bathroom clusterfuck project, I had to remove the fucking enormous glued-on mirror from the wall. This was the part I feared the most since I expected the thing to shatter into a million little razor-sharp shards and force me to reenact that Die Hard scene. Thankfully, mercifully, the mirror came right off in one piece like it should, along with several big chunks of drywall because drywall is fucking stupid and gluing mirrors onto it is even more fucking stupid. Fuck you, dude who thought of that. Anyway now that I gained half an hour not having to clean up broken glass, I had some Hopped In Half and all was well.

HOPPED IN HALF

HOPPED_IN_HALF

“A crisp session pilsner for those who like to rot slow, live large and drink their beer quickly. Very quickly.”

Although the bottle artwork looks more like the Toxic Hopvenger there was less “chopped in half” and more “conveniently skin-ripped from face to gut,” this collaboration between Obituary and 3F has resulted in a high-quality cheap-tasting beer. And I sincerely mean that in a good way. Like 3F’s other (older) pilsner Jinx Proof, this golden clear pilsner improves on the flavor of your old man dive bar standards with a richer, more concentrated yeast and malt flavor that won’t result in complaints about being watered-down. Not a whole lot in the way of fruit or sweeter overtones, although it does smell a bit floral at first pour, but if you like your craft beer tastes simpler this is the way to go. Very tasty. Highly quaffable. [Beer Advocate score]

With the mirror taken care of, the vanity was next to go. The sink top also took a generous portion of drywall with it, eliminating my idiotic hope that I could just slip the new vanity in place without having to touch up or repair the drywall. The enjoyable part here was getting to rip the back of the vanity to pieces instead of trying to figure out the Houdini-esque way in which the builders fit the pipes through the damn thing in the first place. Some time later, after some sweating, cursing and slight water-spraying, there was a vanity-shaped void in the bathroom and I had only a small amount of drywall repair to do. Another battle won, we celebrated with some Wiseblood.

WISEBLOOD

WISEBLOOD

“I listen to few and I’m fueled by fire.”

That C.O.C. logo looks right at home on that bottle, doesn’t it? [hilarious joke about the label artist not needing to clean his wounds after submitting it]. This is the first time I’ve tried a wood-aged Baltic porter so I was a little in the dark about what to expect. It pours as a translucent ruddy dark amber color and smells right away of a higher ABV lurking in the murky swirls of carbonation. Has all the typical weight and smoothness of a strong porter but with a darker malt flavor, slightly burnt oats and an oaky aftertaste. Drinks like a thick black sludge beer from a century old NOLA cooper’s barrel. [Beer Advocate score]

The last task of the night was to patch up the drywall damage and prep for painting. A family member helpfully loaned me a big ol’ tub of topcoat (which looks like vanilla frosting and smells like poison), so I got to slapping a whole bunch of that shit over the wall and hoping to god I wasn’t making an enormous mistake in my choice of activity for the weekend. Apparently the stuff takes a full day to dry, so that left us with little else to do other than removing the vanity light and putting up blue painting tape. I fear working with electricity because it’s approximately a billion times faster than me, but thankfully the cheapo dollar store vanity light came off without incident. Finally, if there’s one thing I can do better than anyone in life, it’s tape things in a straight line. It’s a useless skill, but it’s one I excel at, so once the room was all edged up in that shitty blue painter’s tape, it was time for the final bravado-booster of the night, Blot Out The Sun.

BLOT OUT THE SUN

BLOT_OVT_THE_SUN

“Since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing: block it out!”

An imperial stout aged in Sauternes sweet wine barrels (ooh, fancy) with strong notes of roast, barley and malt. A slightly higher hop bitterness and a bit of dark chocolate flavor is present where you’d usually expect a richer, earthier coffee flavor. Has a very unique and very slight saltiness to balance the faint molasses aftertaste. Pours extremely dark, as black and opaque as a steer’s tuchus on a moonless prairie night, which would perhaps be equally as dark since the sun has been blotted out. Helpfully, I’ve obscured the glass with my kvlt gauntlet so you can’t actually see the real color. [Beer Advocate score]

If you have the means, I highly recommend picking up any of these excellent beers for your next household clusterfuck project or regular weekend kickoff. They are so choice. If you’ve been drinking anything of note you’d like to share, tell us in the comments below, where I’ll happily gripe about other complications I encountered in my quest to build an upscale room in which to take a leak.


(Header image via)

Written by:

Published on: April 15, 2016

Filled Under: Beer

Views: 1317

Tags: , , , , , ,

  • BALLS ROLL

    wish they sold these round my neck o the woods

    • Me too. I want an Obituary beer rill bad.

      • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

        I want all 3F beers real bad.

  • Stanley

    Ouch. This is the last thing I need to read about right now.

    • Sounds like you could use a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray.

      • Stanley

        Sounds appetizing but I’ll stick with my shredded wheat thank you.

        • Owlswald

          And you said popcorn tastes like cardboard.

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          I tried eating shredded wheat in the past, but just couldn’t do it. I’ve stuck with oatmeal for years and years and years now.

          • Stanley

            Oatmeal is great too. This is the best shredded wheat (nutrition wise).

            http://i5.walmartimages.com/dfw/dce07b8c-eb5c/k2-_84320a79-1998-4323-b656-6ebe3fee42ae.v1.jpg

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Healthwise shredded wheat might be better than oatmeal. I mean, with oatmeal I always have the inclination to drizzle a bit too much honey on top.

          • Stanley

            The one I posted above slays oatmeal in fiber and protein.

          • Owlswald

            I mix in whey protein to my oatmeal. Perfect PWO meal.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I mostly use oatmeal for my carb intake in the morning. I get the protein from other sources.

      • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

        You’re stewed, buttwad.

      • hieronymus bossk

        is that some kind of sexually explicit double entendre? Because greasy pork sandwich sounds like a sexually explicit double entendre.

      • Óðinn

        Fried egg sandwich, gatorade, and Vicodin. Cures a hangover every time.

        • more beer

          But in a pinch just the vicodin will work.

          • Óðinn

            Yes.

      • Óðinn
    • Dang. No fun dude. Get better so you can do it again.

      • Stanley

        Nah, I’m fine. Just a little slow.

        • Go sweat that shit out, that’s what I do when I’m feeling slow like that.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            I’m just getting over a cold/flu and need a good bike ride to blast the last bit of it out of me

          • Dude, I have the cold/flu now. I fucking hate it. I just tried to go do a small run and my lungs were not having it. Fucking staying still and resting is so hard for me. Hope it goes away soon… Anyways, yeah get on the bike man. It’s getting nice out here!

          • Stanley

            Some turkey came to the office sick?

          • Yup, the intern that sat next to me last week. Fucking asshole.

          • Dubs

            I haven’t been able to run much this week because I either have a sinus infection or some other infection that’s caused real bad congestion and post-nasal drip/cough. I can barely go five minutes without wheezing. It’s that time of the year for me.

          • Yup, it’s the worst for me too. So I know your suffering. I got all of this shit in my lungs that I can’t hack out. It’s a shame too, because of the nice weather and all. I’d rather be outside.

          • Dubs

            Aside from a little rain early this week, the weather has been really nice! Hopefully I’ll get out this weekend.

          • Nice! I’m going on 3 days of this shit. Hopefully this weekend I improve a little so I can get outside.

          • Dubs

            I hope so too!

          • Stanley

            Yeah, I’ll hit the gym later. It always does the trick. My plantar fasciitis is finally going away, so I’ve been on the stair climber and elliptical without too much discomfort. It’s the Boston Marathon on Monday and it’s all over my Facebook feed which is bumming me out a bit. There’s always next year.

          • That sucks man. I feel ya. You’ll have plenty of time to get stonger at least.

      • Dave Vincent’s Perm

        NO FUN

  • EsusMoose

    Want beer and those look so good

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY
  • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

    very cool Cybro.

  • This is an excellent post.

    In contrast: had I written this it would’ve been about Heineken, whiskey, and how I have neither done my dishes since last Wednesday nor vacuumed my floors in over a month.

  • I wanna see before/after pix of your remodel so I know how effective these beers were.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Here’s the halfway point. Yes, I live in a Silent Hill house.

      • It appears to be an actual toilet ov hell.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Unfortunately I don’t have the before/after pics with me, but it turned out pretty good.

  • Eliza

    I’d rather have tea.

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      Tea >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

      • Eliza

        I had tea made out of rose petals last night, it was very close to perfection.

        • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

          That stuff is good.

          • Eliza

            It’s fairy tale like.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      BLVCK TEV >>>>>>>>>>>>

      Seriously though I love me some black and/or green tea.

    • Owlswald

      Peppermint / Green mix gets me through the afternoons.

      • Eliza

        Yes, mint tea is fantastic, especially in the summer.

    • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

      Tea and coffee.

      • Eliza

        Coffee is alright, tea is the best drink.

        • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

          I enjoy the dark roasted flavors of coffee. Tea has a lot of options that make it great for any occasion however.

          • Eliza

            The superiority of tea surfaces.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            I will submit.

          • hieronymus bossk

            Aside from myself, Dubya is also known to enjoy a steaming hot cup of Ol’ Blackie every morning.

          • Dubs

            Usually two steaming cups.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            I get crazy and drink a third sometimes.

          • Dubs

            You maniac.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            That’s basically what i turn into.

          • hieronymus bossk

            HE BLEW IT ALL UP.

            DAMN HIM. DAMN HIM ALL TO HELL!

          • hieronymus bossk

            I also like yerba maté, which is like coffee tea. Only downside is due to the way the leaves are produced, not Guyaki brands can have a lot of carcinogens.

          • Eliza

            That sounds interesting.

          • hieronymus bossk

            they basically smoke/burn the leaves to release their flavor, but because of that, it makes it similar to tobacco products. Guyaki does a different method now that it’s been questioned. They do a drying method instead.

          • Eliza

            I really want to try that, even though I might not like it very much.

          • hieronymus bossk

            Try the mint Tereré one by Guyaki. It’s not as bitter as the unsweetened ones, but still tastes good and maté-y.

          • Eliza

            Will remember the advice.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Haha, carcinogens. Definitely going to drink that

          • hieronymus bossk

            Coffee has carcinogens too ya know.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            I work with chemicals containing carcinogens. I’m doomed either way

          • Waynecro

            Everything has carcinogens. Existence is carcinogenic.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Wisdom

          • hieronymus bossk

            Then fuck it, do it live.

          • hieronymus bossk

            Also; if it’s air-dried leaves, you are perfectly fine. If they smoke the leaves, then yeah it’s like grilling/smoking/etc…

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Good man.

      • Stanley

        Coffee before 9. Beer after.

        • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

          There is much knowledge in this statement.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Coffee is the beer of the morning.

          • Breakfast Stout >>>>>>>>>

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            To be enjoyed before and after 9.

          • Correct!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            One day I’ll actually try doing that. Xmas morning sounds like the perfect time.

          • Dubs

            What kind of coffee setup do you have? Thanks to Joey, I use an Aeropress at my office.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Plungerpots or death!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            I’ve got a Keurig right now, I’ve only just started getting into better coffee. I’ll likely get a real coffee machine over the summer.

          • Dubs

            Good call. If you make single cups, an aeropress or french press is a perfect way to do it.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Those make good coffee. I take it camping.

          • Coffee machines are very expensive, we use Grecas.

            Also, I think the taste in grecas is better than machines, so I’m okay with that. My wife makes the coffee there and we throw a little of milk powder and chocolate powder to make some mokaccinos.

            Sadly, like everything over here, coffee, sugar and milk are scarce right now, so we save all we can. We aren’t fond to drink coffee everytime, we mostly use it for a novelty drink for saturday mornings (and I get stomachaches if I get black coffee at morning too, ouch!).

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            I’m not a fan of coffee machines, the brew too fast. I like my coffee to soak.

            Your mokaccinos sound good!

            That last bit bums me out. :/

          • No worries, everyone here knows my life in this country is full of suffering, but I’m doing my best this month to not complain that much.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            You’re a good man Link, I want to let you know.

          • tertius_decimus

            > Sadly, like everything over here, coffee, sugar and milk are scarce right now

            Sad words were spoken. 3rd world country woes. 🙁

          • Only third world country people will understand 🙁

          • tertius_decimus

            In our 3rd world country we at least have the choice. The shelves of supermarkets are full of everything anyone wants to buy. For any wallet.

            Really sad to read that, Leo!

          • more beer

            We have one of those at my house for back up. We used it the last time we lost power.

          • Óðinn
        • more beer

          Or you can drink a java stout and get both at whatever time.

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        My tastebuds were not made to enjoy coffee.

        • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

          I’m sorry to hear that.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I don’t really understand how someone could say coffee tastes “delicious” hahaha. Maybe someone likes the feeling he/she gets from coffee, but the taste is godawful.

          • Eliza

            Plus it can create addiction.

          • Dubs

            I genuinely think coffee, even cheap coffee, tastes good.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I drank coffee for a while to get a kickstart, but the taste and – even worse – the “coffee breath” made me stop drinking it.

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            coffee gives me a big case of the sticky tongues. i usually only drink it when im on drugs

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I used to drink vanilla milkshakes when on drugs. Closest I ever got (and ever will get) to heaven.

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            that does sound good

          • Owlswald

            Cheap or not, really bitter coffee can go to hell

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            YES

          • hieronymus bossk

            As long as the caffeine does it’s job.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Not a big fan of folgers, but i drink it at work because they provide it.

          • Dubs

            This is a feel I know well.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            I try to get my coffee drinking done before work, but it is a necessary evil sometimes.

          • more beer

            We have an espresso maker at my house. If you don’t have one. I highly recommend getting one. Even grind the beans, it’s the best coffee.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            I would like to get one.

          • more beer

            It is a great investment.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            What show do you have tonight?

          • more beer

            Scalafrea if my friend ever gets here.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Local band?

          • more beer

            Yea there was something on here about them a few weeks ago.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Right on.

          • Cheap coffee in Venezuela, no good coffe, to be honest.

            The brands we can mostly find sometimes is a very bitter brand that is not of acceptable quality. Some people buy it for their coffee addiction, but we are kinda reluctant to drink cheap coffee because our stomatchs 😛

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Much like most things, you have to get the good stuff.

    • JWEG
    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I hate tea. It’s too strong for me.

      • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

        WEAKLING!

      • Eliza

        Depends on what kind of tea you drink. Black tea I think is the strongest.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          I tried Arizona tea once and I hated it. I prefer their non tea drinks

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        JJD plz! Chamomile tea is a soft throat massage.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          I only like Arizona when it comes to non strong tea.

    • Óðinn
    • tertius_decimus

      Same here. I’m consuming up to 12 cups of tea per day. Lots of sugar to make the scrap brain work properly. I can easily pass the breakfast but without sheer dose of tea the whole day is ruined.

      • TERTIUS! I missed you! How’s everything going for ya?!

        • tertius_decimus

          Hi there, friend! Everything goes okay. Couple of weeks ago I’ve successfully attempted 422 km bike ride to Belarus and back. It was necessary for me to get rid of the garbage in my head that remained from ex-girlfriend. She’s hypocritical piece of shit. It’s hard to express what an amazing ride it was!

          • Óðinn

            Bicycle touring. Sweet.

          • tertius_decimus

            In this particular case it was bicycle psyching. I’ve passed Chernobyl zone before passing the customs. Impressive place to be. Dead cities where nature takes everything back… and so many bird and animal species that are so hard to see in person in places that are inhabited by humans.

          • “Chernobyl zone”. Fuck, yes. You’re the man! The Radioactive Tertius!

          • tertius_decimus

            In reality there is less radiation than in any given city.

          • Man, I feel so happy for you right now about that bicycle ride!!! It clearly seems you had a blast, and those trees are also beautiful.

            I’m good, I’m being transferred to another job with a slightly better salary but with more responsabilities. I was remembering you about the bike thing because I told my wife (yeah, hope you checked out last year that I married my long-time girlfriend!!!) that I want to buy the pieces to arm a bike, but I’m afraid of the Maracaibo transit. Too much dangerous people at driving 😛

          • tertius_decimus

            Nothing to fear on the road. Insane drivers are everything from New York city to Tokyo but that must not make you scared to ride. Bike does amazing things to your body and psychical state.

            Late congratulations with your marriage! 🙂

          • You’re encouraging me to ride to my own true warrior destiny, or whatever.

            Thanks a lot, man. That means a lot!

          • tertius_decimus

            Buy yourself and to your wife bikes and ride the hell out of them!

            Satisfaction guaranteed.

      • Eliza

        I drink it in the morning and evening every day, and throughout the day pretty often. I also use honey instead of sugar.

        • tertius_decimus

          When I have some honey, I mix it with sugar to make the tea even sweeter! Sometimes it becomes too mawkish, LOL.

          • Eliza

            I never mix sugar and honey, that’d be a sweetness overkill for me, but I sometimes combine honey with lemon juice and that can give great results.

          • tertius_decimus

            How about just a slice of fresh lemon?

          • Eliza

            That’s not too bad either, but I love lemon juice. I like to make myself lemonade too.

          • Waynecro

            If I weren’t so diabetic, I’d drink lemonade and limeade all the time.

          • Eliza

            Sorry to hear that. I couldn’t live normally without my favorite drinks. What do you like to drink?

          • Waynecro

            Coffee and/or tea in the morning, water all day every day. On the weekends, I go nuts and have a few zero-calorie sodas, though. If I’m feeling particularly wild, I might even have a zero-calorie energy drink. If sugar and calories weren’t a concern, I’d drink cherry limeade all the time.

          • Eliza

            Yes, water is essential. I prefer sparkling water. I like orange juice too. I’m not particularly into sodas like Coca Cola, Pepsi or Fanta.

          • tertius_decimus

            Drinking too much Coca Cola killed my teeth. No kidding. It’s harmful shit.

          • You’re right. I love that garbage, but we are doing the best we can to reduce the drinking of sodas because health and econmic factors.

          • Eliza

            When I was a kid, my parents completely forbid those kinds of drinks. That made me mad back then, but I am very thankful for it now.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            It took a hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) seizure for me to quit them, but I drank way too much of that and coffee before that. I honestly don’t miss sodas after all these years.

          • Waynecro

            Sparkling water is pretty awesome.

          • Eliza

            The downside is that too much of it can give you a sore throat.

          • We used it to make some Caipiroskas at my home two weeks ago. Ñom!

          • Eliza

            Nom is spanish yummy?

          • ¡Jajajajaja! ¡Sí! 😛

          • Eliza

            That’s one Spanish word that I now know.

          • You can also says:

            “Hola, soy Eliza y soy una buena persona”.

          • Eliza

            That’s “Hello, I’m Eliza and I am a good person”. Spanish is similar to Romanian, so I can guess some words based on that. On top of that, I also study Latin.

          • That’s cool. I remember I had a friend who had Latin classes in another school from mine and I was deeply jealous 😛

            Romanian uses the Latin Alphabet? How can I say something like introduce myself?

          • Eliza

            About 60% of Romanian words are from Latin. The rest are from other European languages and the language of the dacians (not sure what’s the exact English term), the ancient population that lived where Romania is now.
            You could introduce yourself like this: “Buna ziua, numele meu este Link, vin din Venezuela si sunt pe jumatate om pe jumatate elf.” (Hello, my name is Link, I am from Venezuela, and I am half human half elf.)

          • Grrrreat!!!! You’re awesome. Thanks!

          • Eliza

            🙂 It’s no big deal. Tell if I want to translate something else for you.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            What’s ‘yummy’ in Romanian?

          • Eliza

            Iam.

          • Waynecro

            When you’re on a strict diet, carbonated water is a lifesaver. It’s the most interesting thing you get to consume, and the carbonation can make you feel less hungry than you really are. Also, I once mixed orange-flavored carbonated water with this really strong cold-pressed coffee, and the resulting concoction tasted like Arrogant Bastard Ale.

          • Óðinn
          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I quit drinking sodas (outside of cucumber soda, which I can’t find around here, and diet Sprite back when I drank hard liquor) after my hypoglycemic seizure back in 2001. And I haven’t drank an energy drink in over 8 years. For some reason, they always made my arms and legs ache. Outside of beer, I stick with coffee, tea (mostly Thai tea), water and horchada with some Sweet N Low.

          • Waynecro

            For some reason, I love cucumber-flavored beverages. Rockstar has a new cucumber-lime energy drink that tastes awesome. Thai iced tea is one of the best things in the world.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I love the bottled Thai tea with the cream and all, but I mostly drink the real stuff straight from the bag.

          • Waynecro

            When I lived in the Bay Area, I used to get some killer Thai iced tea at my favorite noodle place. A lot of the Asian markets had great tea as well.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Thankfully there’s tons of Asian markets here, which is where to get the good stuff. And cheaper than the Lipton shit at the grocery stores and Walgreens. Sadly, I can’t find African green coffee here , which I used to get back home over in the Edgewater area (aka, tons of African markets).

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      Tea with honey >>>>>>>>>>

      • Eliza

        That is an undoubtable truth.

  • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

    BEER!
    This was highly entertaining, Cybernetic! I really enjoy your descriptions of both the beers and your tasks. That CoC beer had my name written all over it. Porters are my favorite and CoC aint nuthin ta fuck wit. Unfortunately 3F doesn’t distribute down south.

    Here’s a pic of a new Saint Arnold beer I recently enjoyed. It’s “fancy looking” because i submitted it for a contest.

    • Dubs

      The lack of Three Floyds down here is disheartening.

      • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

        Very much so. We have solid breweries here though, so I can’t complain.

        • Dubs

          You ever done the Saint Arnold brewery tour in Houston? it’s a pretty good time.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            I did it prior to turning 21, them and Shiner and a few others during a summer trip with my family. Now I need to make it back. I really want to go to Real Ale and some of the ones here in DFW

          • Dubs

            We should abduct Joey and make a trip out of the Real Ale one.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            You make me smile big.

        • Owlswald
          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Loves me the IPAs . I have not seen that particular Ninkasi down here.

          • Owlswald

            There should be a T.O.H. beer trade / review at some point. Shipping is always the problem but I did a beer club once and thought it was a cool idea. Plus I love trying new brews from around the country.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            That would be amazing. Texas has dumb beer laws though.

          • Dubs

            Boss, next time I’m in Dallas, we’re meeting up with the mustache bear and getting some beer.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            You make me smile.

          • Owlswald

            If any of you jokers come to Portland, I extend the same offer.

          • Dubs

            Same to you if you ever find yourself in the barren wasteland of West Texas.

          • Owlswald

            Coincidentally, my work has an office in Diboll and I fly into Houston occasionally.

          • Dubs

            I don’t make it down to Houston too frequently. That’s an 8 hour drive, haha.

          • Owlswald

            Hah. That’s equivalent to driving to San Francisco from here. Everything is bigger in Texas.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            You’re damned right!

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            except the textbooks

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            I just had to screw it up with a typo.

          • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

            hey man, its super easy to make fun of NC at the moment. preemptive strikes!

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Especially up here right across the border from you! 😉

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Never been to NC, but I’m imagining once you get south of Norfolk, it’s Deliverance territory.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls
      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        The lack of any beer fancier than Yuengling and Guiness here in Newport News/Hampton is disheartening. (I haven’t checked out the local World Market, though, but that’s probably way out of my budget). So you have no room to complain! :-p

  • Owlswald

    Does your black metal beer koozie double as a gauntlet?

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Affirmative. I’ve sworn to play with them live at some point.

  • JWEG

    “Since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing: block it out!”

    Mr. Burns is Metal?

    http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/simpsons/images/2/28/Burns'_Heir.png

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    The only beer I want when I turn 21 is whatever is cheapest.

    • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

      Please don’t do that to yourself.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I will. Cheap beer and an Allman Brothers album is the best.

        • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

          GOOD beer and an Allman Bros album is the best.
          Ftfy

          Did you see my ZZ Top pic?

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I did. I’ll find something that tastes good and give my favorite Allman Brothers album a spin.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I take it that’s going to be At Filmore East?

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWy3Q30Cn2A&list=PLD6245C6E0DE40AE1

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Possibly. I also like Win Lose or Draw and thr second double live album they did Wipe The Windows, Check The Oil Dollar Gas

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Local IPA, bonfire and a Pelican album or GTFO

          • Dubs

            Pelican’s City of Echoes has been a longtime summer jam for me ever since I listened to it on the way down to Corpus Christi in undergrad.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            I love that album

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Or this album too. Awesome stuff.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWb1ppSvSjY

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            UPVOTED

          • Why is that place named Corpus Christi, Dubs? Is in Texas, right?

          • Dubs

            Si. “The name was given to the settlement and surrounding bay by Spanish explorer Alonso Álvarez de Pineda in 1519, as he discovered the lush semitropical bay on the Catholic feast day of Corpus Christi. The city has been nicknamed “Texas Riviera” and “Sparkling City by the Sea”, particularly featured in tourist literature.”

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            You beat me to it

          • Cool, thanks!

            There’s only one place in Venezuela where people celebrate the Corpus Christi and is in the Miranda State with the Diablos Danzantes de Yare festivity. Is a type of carnival-like procession in which people gather by families and make devil costumes to dance in the streets. Is a very colorful activity with centuries of tradition.

            http://www.correodelorinoco.gob.ve/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Los-Diablos-Danzantes-de-Yare-llevar%C3%A1n-hoy-un-mensaje-de-paz-y-hermandad.jpg

          • Dubs

            That looks cool.

          • Yeah. Unesco declared it as a humanity patrimony.

            The masks designs imply some hierarchy, and the families prepares in group to win the competition of the best designs too.

          • Joaquin Stick

            I have a similar experience listening to it while being driven to Florida for a summer vacation way back when. I can’t listen to that album when it’s cold out now.

          • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

            Yeeesssssssssssssssss.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            One of Chicago’s finest.

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      Go for moderate priced. Trust me, the cheapest will fuck your ass up something rotten. You’ll be nice and scummy that night, but you’ll be tossing it up the next morning. And it won’t take much for you to get drunk, so might as well make it a good one. Guiness might be the best pick for you, or Killian’s. #WordsOfWisdomFromALongTermAlcoholic

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Fair enough, but spend a little more once in awhile to try something new. Right now is the best time for beer there’s ever been.

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    I would suggest my esteemed American friends try Hobgoblin ruby ale.

  • That artwork is fucking rad too.

  • JWEG

    My brews of preference, for occasions when I feel I deserve something better than wheat-and-hops-free “beer” (see: my gluten allergies) remain pretty static. Unibroue is best.

    http://inside.saveur-biere.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/unibroue_saveur_biere.jpg

    • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

      Aw man, gluten allergies no fun.

      • JWEG

        I’m currently much too severely afflicted with Douglas Fir Pollen allergies to notice other ones, though, to be honest.

        • Boss theSpeedMetalBastard Ross

          Eww

    • Ol Dirty Blastbeard

      there is an entire market of these in my area

  • Óðinn

    Happy Friday, Toilet dwellers! Let’s listen to Black Sabbath!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HVqdtkC5l4

    Pair it with Indica and Irish Ale. Excellent.

    • You, Odinn, you are a God with good tastes.

      • Óðinn

        Thanks, Link. That’s kind of you to say. You’re pretty great yourself.

    • Guppusmaximus

      Most underrated Black Sabbath album in the history of Black Sabbath. Heavy Metal at it’s finest m/ m/

      Pair it with some Boilermakers, Irish Car-bombs or whatever else lights you up like a well-lit parking lot! Happy Fucking Friday!!!!!

  • Hail, CyBROnetic. Those beers seems delicious.

    I’m not a beer conoscioeur. I only drinked some pilsens that are commercially popular over here and all of them tastes like piss. There’s one premium brand called Solera that is very good and is the only beer I truly enjoy, but the alcoholic grades are kinda high, jajaja.

    This year Solera released the Solera Black, and right now is my favorite beer. Sadly, is a limited edition, only available right now in Maracaibo, Caracas and Valencia. I found two in a supermarket near my house and I could taste it. Really really good, I’ve never tasted a malted beer and I’m now a fan!

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      I read a while back that the one and probably only beer brand from Venezuela stopped or was about to.

      http://time.com/3989831/venezuela-beer/

      • Polar makes the popular Polar beer and Solera. The production is truly slowed, but there’s plenty of beer right now on the market.

        The weird part is that people over here tends to put beer in the “high necessity” list of buys and you can see high rates of non-diagnosed alcoholism. At least in Maracaibo people drinks WAY TOO MUCH, every weekend, even wit the high cost of the beer right now.

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          Not to slam Venezuela, but from hearing you talk about how bad things are there nowadays, I’d be drinking hard as hell too, and not in a fun way!

          • Is both from the hardships and that people here is TOO MUCH festive. Is a dangerous combination, I think.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Si! They cancelled the St. Patrick’s Day Parade in South Side Chicago for a while because of that. Way too many drunks, way too much violence (on the most violent section of the city) and people getting too “festive” (aka, fighting, grabbing women, throwing bottles, guns, etc).

        • Guppusmaximus

          It even, almost, has the same logo as the Polar soda brand from Worcester, Massachusetts. I had me some Polar Negro when I visited Venezuela back in the late 90s (Caracas & Margarita Island)
          That was some good shit and pretty damn strong. Having Beef & Fish stuffed Empanadas & some Polar from the little stands right on the beach in December was fucking awesome and I’ll never forget it m/ m/

          • Polar Negra nearly dissappeared of the market with the Pilsen Light beers, those are more popular and cheaper.

            Jajajaja, good for you, dude. Every international pal I know that visited Margarita was delighted with the beaches and the food.

          • Guppusmaximus

            Well, Margarita island is such a fond memory not only because of the green mountains and fine Spanish women but because Caracas was fun only in the daytime. Hopefully it’s safer now. We didn’t stay out after 7pm unless it was with a group of friends and at a bar or a house.

          • Caracas mostly have got worse with the deliquency and the awful transit. Just like the entire country.

            I always recommend Los Andes region, I love that part, my dream is at least live there.

          • Guppusmaximus

            Or we should start a Kickstarter to get you to the US?!

          • Jajajaja! Thanks for the consideration, man! 😉

          • Guppusmaximus

            We could label it the “Tear the Wall Down” fund in tribute to Donald Trump (Fuckin Assclown). Maybe the Venezuelan Gov’t. could kick in a few bucks? LOL!!

          • Let’s fuck Trump bringing a latino to his backyard.

            I would scream curses in Venezuelan at him with all delight!

          • Guppusmaximus

            I would rent an IMAX pro rig to film that shit and then have it released to the big screen for everyone to watch. It would get awarded “Best Foreign Film Filmed Domestically”. *fuck yeah*

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Cool! Pilsners are an acquired taste for many people, I like one occasionally but they’re not my favorite. If you’re ever in Chicago I’ll give ya a beer tour of the good spots.

      • I would be very appreciated! Thanks, man (i mean, Cybernetic Bro)!

  • Óðinn
    • That’s what Jane, from Deadwoods mado is.

      • Óðinn

        Haha. Looks like her too. Fuck, I miss that show.

        • Dude, you and me both. I think Joe was a fan of the show too.

          • Óðinn

            One of the all-time greats.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            I got through the first season, then fell off (often the case with me and TV shows). Loved it!

        • more beer

          As do I.

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    I’m pretty sure there’s no local brews here in Hampton Roads, but probably quite a few here in Virginyie outside of here, especially in the more central parts. Sippin’ on some Big Flats in the meantime ($3.00 for a 6 pack at Walgreen’s, and certainly more agreeable than the usual Milwaukee’s Best). I honestly didn’t even bother with local brews back in Chicago.

    • Dubs

      Big Flats are almost stupidly cheap.

      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        Yep! I was talking to my friend at the Asian market a couple of weeks ago about it, and he did a double take when I told him about it. And it’s certainly not bad at all for the price, and way better than the usual rot gut I drink.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          It is literally urine.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            No, that would be Coors and Miller.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Also urine.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            The reason Kevin Costner drank his own urine in Waterworld is because it was either Coors, Millers, Zima, or Hennessy.

  • Waynecro

    This article makes me wish I could drink beer and thankful that I have no remodeling to do myself. Thanks for the fun article!

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      Thankfully my roomie/landlord knows anything and everything about construction and home repair (he worked as a contractor before he started working as an electrician).

      • Waynecro

        I’m only good at demolition.

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          Which one are you? Axe, Smash, or Crush?

          https://ringthedamnbell.files.wordpress.com/2014/07/crush.jpg

          • Waynecro

            Whichever one has a history of going nuts with a sledgehammer for fun and profit.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            That would be Peter Gabriel.

          • Waynecro

            Well played, Ling. Well played.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            *takes a bow and pinches a loaf in my pantaloons*

  • Count_Breznak

    I like beer because it tastes like beer.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      You are wise

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls
  • I want to try all these but those corn huskers don’t deliver to the northeast and the midwest is not in my travel plans ever.

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      Nor should it be, unless it’s the greatest city in America (Chicago).

      • ChIraq is the hot new name for Chi-town I hear.

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          For idiots who’ve never been there. Chicagoans actually find that term pretty demeaning and offensive. It’s bad in certain parts, but I made it there for 14 years (virtually my entire adult life by the time I left) without getting shot, stabbed, mugged, etc., and I lived on the South Side, where most of the shit is happening. Don’t run your mouth, don’t act like a hardass, and have at least some degree of street smarts and common sense, and you’re good for the most part. Same as any big city.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Only in the outlying neighborhoods. As with every enormous city, most tourists will never leave the downtown area.

  • sweetooth0

    I wish I could get these up here in Canada. I really wanted a bottle of their Cannibal Corpse beer.

  • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

    Late to the train here, but Southern Prohibition brewery out of Mississippi has been killing it for me lately. Haven’t had a bad brew from them yet. The Ragana, a baltic porter, has constantly filled my fridge the past several months. Awesome can too.
    http://draftmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Instagram_20160106_3602.jpg

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Cool!