Breaking News: Popular, Handsome Blogger Told You So

Dream Theater are set to release a video game. Never, ever doubt me.

Back in December, I made fun of Dream Theater’s announcement of The Astonishing by saying that their artwork and absurd website experience were closer to a crappy video game than a prog rock album. WELP. According to DreamTheater.net (maybe pony up for the .com, you guys):

“Turbo Tape Games and Dream Theater are proud to announce the production of The Astonishing game, based on the concept album by the same name. The game will be released on PC, Mac, iOS and Android, in Q2 2016!”

DT-the-astonishing

Yeah, that’s the stuff.

Mark this down as yet another occasion that I’ve outfoxed the lamestream metal media. Now for my next bold prediction: This game will be terrible. I was unfamiliar with Turbo Tape Games, so I checked out their website and got some additional information. Allow me to select some choice passages from their press release about The Astonishing game.

“The game will share core gameplay mechanics with TTG’s critically acclaimed UHR: Warlords, with several enhancements for this new project.”

Already, this is a red flag. To my cynical eyes, “share core gameplay mechanics” gives me visions of a re-skinned existing property. And if by “critically acclaimed”, you mean “a single good metacritic review from something called ‘148app.com'”, then sure. To be fair, the game has good user-reviews on iTunes.

“Sign up now to be notified immediately as the game is released as a free download. Additional game content will be sold at a friendly price!”

The game is free, but it looks like it will contain paid DLC and/or in-app purchases, which everyone loves. I would shell out $4.99 to download a sullen Mike Portnoy playable character.

“Prepare to step into the dystopian future as described in the concept album The Astonishing. Travel to The Great Northern Empire Of The Americas (G.N.E.A.) where any dedication, investment or interest in the arts has all but been abandoned. The very soul of what was once real music is lost in a digital quagmire of emotionless sonic madness. In this setting a young man from the Endless Isleland, Gabriel, emerges with a voice so profound it moves everyone that listens, transporting them back to a time where true art created by humans was celebrated and consumed as the ultimate nourishment for the soul.”

For fuck’s sake, THAT’S the story behind the album? How insecure with your successful musical career do you have to be to write a 2-hour long concept record about how no one cares about “REAL MUSIC”? Someone please get James LaBrie a medal for penning this brilliant allegory.

I’m not entirely sure why Dream Theater would tap Turbo Tape Games to create a video game for The Astonishing (or why they would make a game in the first place), but perhaps it is because Turbo Tape Games is “the oldest, most established game development company on the shores of Western Norway”. And nothing screams “FUN” like comic sans and competitive cycling.

 

 

Written by:

Published on: February 29, 2016

Filled Under: News, Video Games

Views: 1413

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  • DVRKBEVRD

    its going to be so so so so bad

  • Why can’t we use our predictive powers for good instead of evil? Or as Dream Theater probably spells it, Eve Ville.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    This bullshit makes prog look bad. Fuck Dream Theater.

    • MoshOff

      Yeah, only this and totally not a million other things.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Being vindicated in relation to Dream Theater doesn’t sound very biting. Casual observation.

  • It’s Monday. Death is in the air.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_csb7ZK9RoQ

  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    “The listeners will finally understand what it’s like to play as the savior of art as we know it, they will finally see the world from our perspective.”
    –Someone in the band, probably

  • Paris Hilton

    “…where any dedication, investment or interest in the arts has all but been abandoned. The very soul of what was once real music is lost in a digital quagmire of emotionless sonic madness. In this setting a young man from the Endless Isleland, Gabriel, emerges with a voice so profound it moves everyone that listens, transporting them back to a time where true art created by humans was celebrated and consumed as the ultimate nourishment for the soul.”

    This makes me want to give someone a wedgie. I was going to take a rest day today, but I need to bench press this nerdery away. This post gave me my virginity back. It’s like reading the musings of a pretentious college professor who just got a concussion and listened to Tool for the first time. Jesus Christ, like go to a bar and talk about football and pussy at least once in your lives.

    • Eliza

      “…It’s like reading the musings of a pretentious Art History collage professor…”
      I think it was an Art History collage student. I want to believe that dignified adults who managed to get the title of professor wouldn’t write something this stupid.

      • Paris Hilton

        Either way, it’s an individual who’s used to gettin their ass kicked and their lunch money stolen.

        • Eliza

          Who else could write such a “rebellious” and “revolutionary” story?

  • Guacamole Jim

    “Someone please get James LaBrie a medal for penning this brilliant allegory.”

    In fairness to LaBrie, I think this whole 2-hour-excrement was Petrucci’s idea. However, he still sang on it instead of telling anyone involved “this is total garbage” so he’s complicit.

    • Oof. Hasn’t Petrucci been lauded as a Very Good Music Man for almost 30 years now? Ridiculous.

      • MoshOff

        SHUT UP YOU GUYS.

        You just don’t get it. Not all heroes wear capes. Some save the world by coming up with and composing overdrawn and hugely boring concept albums.

        • Dubs

          Did you just steal a phrase from every nurse on Facebook?

          • MoshOff

            Possibly.

        • Salvador Dalí Lama

          not all heroes wear capes, but these ones do wear petticoats in the future

        • Boogers Moshing In A Crouton

          There’s Voivod and Rhapsody Of Fire in a nutshell.

    • Dubs

      Pretty sure Petrucci/Rudess contributed equally to the birthing of this abomination of desolation.

      • Guacamole Jim

        Ah, apparently it’s Petrucci’s idea, but he and Rudess co-wrote all the music. I still think anyone who said “good idea!” instead of “what the fucking fuck” is to blame, at least in part, for this aural virginfest.

        • MoshOff

          brb aping Aural Virginfest forever.

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          “aural virginfest”

          You deserve a medal for accuracy.

      • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

        Yeah, I think since Portnoy’s departure pretty much everything is written by Petrucci, with a little input here and there from Rudess and Myung.

    • Paris Hilton

      I’m personally excited to see what the character Gabriel will look like. I’m sure DT will do something completely unexpected with the character, not something predictable like making him a 30-something white Northern European dude with long brunette or blonde hiar.

  • RustyShackleford

    Joe you sound a little grumpy this morning. Perhaps you’d liked to see this tiny hamster eating tiny burritos? Yes? No? Yes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOCtdw9FG-s

  • Max

    Well, I’m guessing they know where their target market is. It worked for Iron Maiden, didn’t it?

    • Maik Beninton™

      Did Iron Maiden released a game?
      Also Avenged Sevenfold.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PN995_ps0TM

      • Max

        Maiden have had a couple; Ed Hunter in the late ’90s is the last one I’m aware of.

    • Has there ever been a good band-themed video game? The best I can think of is Revolution X, and the band in question is the fucking worst.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jm813_RC0aI

      • nbm02ss

        Bands just need to stick to pinball machines.

      • Paris Hilton

        The only music-based video game that has mattered or that will ever matter is Guitar Hero III.

        PERIOD!!!

      • Dubs

        Folks seemed to like Brutal Legend ok.

        • Paris Hilton

          It’s actually not a bad live action strategy game. The cameos and music in it are fun too! It ain’t no Bioshock by any stretch, but it’s certainly far from the worst game ever.

          • Dubs

            Never played it, but it seemed to get decent reception.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Until I came around to ToH I knew no one else who dug it, but I spent countless hours with it. Was really hoping for the 2 to come out.

          • Rob M

            Same…even though Im not a big fan of console RTS, the story and the environment kept me playing through the game. Really was bummed when they killed the sequel

          • Paris Hilton

            The RTSTower defense elements was not what I was expecting initially when I bought it. But there’s an undeniable charm of ripping around on a dunebuggy chopping shit up with an axe with Motorhead in the background. It’s one of those games that’s a late-night blast with some friends and a few beers. You could probably get it for like $10 these days so I’d say it’s worth the investment lol

          • DVRKBEVRD

            too goofy

          • Pentagram Sam

            Only saw a friend play it for a little bit but the soundtrack is really cool. They actually did some research and got alot of bands and not just the same ol same ol.

            Fast fact: Dio was supposed to be in the game as a cameo but Sharon put the axe on it cos Ozzy is in it as an important cameo and we gotta pretend that Dio and Ozzy can’t ever be mentioned in any way as comparable or compatible.

        • Rob M

          Wasnt a huge fan of the RTS aspect, but the game itself was worth playing through because the world was awesome and the story was damn fun

        • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

          DECAPITATIONNNN!!!!

      • Max

        I’m not a gamer; so I couldn’t answer that. What I do know is that the audience overlap is quite well-documented – particularly, I’d hazard, for prog metal and related genres. Plus, I’ve encountered several people who attest that Iron Maiden is really good music for playing video games to.

        In the ’90s there was an industrial band called Cubanate from the UK who got about four songs onto the soundtrack of the best-selling Gran Turismo game, and also were featured on the Mortal Kombat compilation album. The principal songwriter ended up being able to retire to Spain on the royalties.

  • Dagon

    What is worse, the Dream Theater or the Kanye West video game?

    Find out on the next episode of “Is This Real Life?”

    • Kanye DID name drop Neo Geo and Turbo Grafx though. Seems like he knows what’s up with retro gaming.

    • DT game, really.

      At least Kanye West have a better excuse to release an endless runner.

      • Dagon

        Better soundtrack as well

        • Boogers Moshing In A Crouton

          Not if Life Of Pablo is any indication!

  • ” a digital quagmire of emotionless sonic madness”

    Dream Theater wrote a 2.5 hour concept album/video game about how they don’t like tech death

  • Salvador Dalí Lama

    “Popular, handsome blogger told you”

    Pff, the guy that runs Metal Injection ain’t handsome.

    • MoshOff

      inb4 Andrew Webber writes about this in a month and calls it original content.

      • Boogers Moshing In A Crouton

        Give it a day or two, and Axl will beat him to the punch on that one.

    • more beer

      Nope he actually looks like he could be the missing link.

  • Boss the Ross

    Next week, Dystopia the Game

    • how many stupid democrats can you send to the Headcrusher?!?!

      • COAL ROLL

        sign me up

    • Paris Hilton

      Dystopia: The Game. It’s an online strategy game in which you and two other players play for bit, then the MustaineNet kicks you out, locks you out and constantly feeds your PSN/Microsoft Network messages talking shit about you.

  • Eliza

    I know next to nothing about video games and I care about the gaming industry just as much, but please write about once it gets released.

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    I bet they’ll go for the hattrick and make it into a movie as well. This way DT will be able to release the worst album of the year, the worst game of the year and the worst movie of the year.

    • Eliza

      If there would be a movie, the main star should be Tommy Wiseau.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Ha ha ha ha, what a solo Mike.

        • Eliza

          Anyway, how’s your sex life?

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Hi doggie!
            *pets decapitated head of mike portnoy*

          • Eliza

            You are tearing me apart James!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            I’m so glad to have you as my friend, and I love weedlies so much.

          • Eliza

            Hahaha.

    • more beer

      There is nothing like winning a trifecta!

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        Last year I won one while betting on some soccer games. I hadn’t experienced a feeling this good ever since I received my first blowjob.

        • more beer

          Like I said. There is nothing like it.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      Off broadway play would be my bet

  • Boogers Moshing In A Crouton

    Love the new album, but 99.9% certain I’m skipping out on the videogame. Unless it’s done NES Rom hack style, no dice!

    http://www.i-mockery.com/romhacks/megafag/spman3.gif

  • I realize that DT is not a completely small band. But, how much funds do you really think they could afford to throw at a game? I imagine that they would not invest much more money that they hope they could recoup (say 75% recoupment?) But can you really expect people (fans, actually) to pony up enough cash to recoup what it would cost to develop even the shittiest video game? BASED ON A GOD DAMN CONCEPT ALBUM FROM A NERD-TECH-METAL BAND?

    The whole things reeks of weebs.

    I don’t get it.

    GL

    • Dubs

      I suppose they could have done a kickstarter. That may have been smarter, actually, because the inevitable failure would have shown them it’s a terrible idea.

      • The confidence of a bunch of middle aged metal musicians apparently trumps any basis of sound business decisions. Metallica’s 3D movie should have a been a great counterpoint to them moving forward with this idea.

    • From what I know, and since you gringos have a stable economy with plenty of people to make useless things (like ‘as seen on TV products’ or Grammy Awards): making a mobile videogame right now is very cheap, mostly because the engine of said games are already made.

      Like Joe pointed in this news, the engine of this one is probably recycled. The company is charging sweet dollar$ for the use of the engine, product placement and graphic design.

      Or at least that’s what I think.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Estimated game net profit over 10 years: $27

      • Dude, with compounding inflation, year over year, that is a sweet-sweet $33.71. They could quit their days job then.

        GL

    • COAL ROLL

      They are adapting the Curt Schilling business model for developing video games

      • Seems like they took a page from his book and went for something slightly more manageable in the form of a mobile game.

    • Paris Hilton

      I blame the weeabos too. They’ve been ruining everything since 1987.

      • Tell us how you really feel, Paris.

        Also, I have missed your musk.

        GL

        • Paris Hilton

          I feel like the nerds and weebs out there are wasting their potential. They could be, and typically are, very intelligent people. The only problem is the only thing they care about is either their goddamn fuckin’ kawaii anime or their goddamn fuckin’ Star Wars movies. So they get access to them, and don’t really need anything else. They have no work ethic, yet act superior to everyone else. They’re also entitled shits who think they deserve content that they had nothing to do with be catered especially to them. Fuck weebs, and fuck nerds.

          THAT’S HOW I FEEL GL!

          P.S. been missin’ some musk myself

          • *slow clap*

          • RJA

            “They have no work ethic, yet act superior to everyone else.”
            preach brother, preach!

          • Paris Hilton

            ‘Ts wat I do

    • The Tetrachord of Archytas

      I don’t know, I mean look at the art work and everything….to them it apparently looked awesome and convincing. Maybe the game is just something theyre doing because they want to see it. Not everything has to be about profit margins…that’s why so much music (and everything) is bullshit anyways. But on the other hand I should make it very clear that I’m not a DT apologist and that the idea is…astonishingly silly

  • CyberneticOrganism

    I just hope you can enter your own character names.

    “Good job CAPTAIN HUGECOCK! You’ve driven back LORD POOPYBUTT‘s forces from the Isle of Enchanted Keyboard Weedlies! But we’ve received word that there is another assault brewing on Port Noyfail. Take your wizard TESTES LOCO out to the magic oracle, that he may communicate with our protective goddess HUGETITS McBOOTYSLAP!”

    http://orullian.com/testpress/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/labrie-big.jpg

    • DVRKBEVRD

      KJU?

      • Boogers Moshing In A Crouton

        No, but that whole thing brought a joyous tear to my eye. Especially the Lord Poopybutt part.

        http://i.imgur.com/VZS8nzA.gif

    • COAL ROLL

      Bro high five for TESTES LOCO

  • NefariousDude

    AOTY/GOTY 2016

    • NEFARIOUSDUDE >>>>>>>>>>>

    • You would think that NAFARYOUS

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Oh really Joe Thrashnkyll?

  • BobLoblaw

    If it werent for you I would have continued my streak of knowing nothing of what this insanely overrated boring band is up to.
    Liquid Tension Experiment>>>>>>>>Dream Theater.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Nerdy Band Name >>>>>>>>>> Other Nerdy Band Name

      • DVRKBEVRD

        nerds

      • BobLoblaw

        Was a small instrumental side project which is incredible at times. Check it crampon.
        https://youtu.be/pmo1VW_wA_o

  • Boogers Moshing In A Crouton

    Haven’t read the storyline, but judging by the description, there is only one man who could truly pull off Gabriel’s enchanting voice:

    http://i.cdn.turner.com/v5cache/TCM/Images/Dynamic/i233/gpgilbertgottfried_apt_678x230_092320130311.jpg

    With special bonus game “Is It Labrie Singing High Notes Or Gilbert Gottfried talking?”.

  • Joe is practically asking for a record swap assignment here.

    • Dubs

      Technically, you’re supposed to like the thing you send to someone.

    • Boogers Moshing In A Crouton

      Him sending someone The Atonishing would be revenge against whoever sent him Dragon Guardian.

  • “WHEN I STEP ON A WAH-WAH PEDAL WITH MY NAME ON IT, I REALLY WANT TO MAKE SURE IT SOUNDS AS CLOSE TO A KIRK HAMMETT WAH-WAH, BUT NOT SO CLOSE THAT FANS CONFUSE MY SHITTY SOLO WORK WITH THE SHITTY SOLO WORK OF HAMMETT’S. I MEAN, LISTEN TO THIS HOG. IT’S FUCKIN’ SOLID, BRO”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZ56zUxpXes

    • Boss the Ross

      Hahahahaha! GL!

  • Oh so this isnt just some elaborate joke and they are serious? I see….

  • Edward/Breegrodamus™

    Joe is a handsome dude.

    (repost?)

  • The Tetrachord of Archytas

    For a second I thought it said UHF: Warlords and the though of a tactical weird al themed game was born in my mind

    Also does anyone remember that Sonata Arctica was trying to make a game for a while too?

    • Boss the Ross

      Tactical Weird Al Game. Sign me up.

      • how long can you handle THE FIREHOSE!!!

        • Boss the Ross

          YESSSSSS!!!!!
          Thank you, Jimmy, thank you

    • Boogers Moshing In A Crouton

      Does anyone remember Sonata Artica?

      FTFY

      Saw them live with Edguy years back and immediately forgot about them all these years later, much less remember them trying to put out a videogame.

      • The Tetrachord of Archytas

        I saw them too…eh I was a fan for a time. They were popular amongst the guitar playing nerds in my high school and it was still the dial up age so word of mouth was still the king..and there just wasn’t a ton of metal being passed around in my area

        • Boogers Moshing In A Crouton

          I went because I was invited by a couple of chicks I knew on LJ (so I think you can guess my real intention, lol). I knew about them from a promo I had gotten from CM, and liked 1 song.

    • Dubs

      I never heard about that. They had some really good albums but went way downhill with Unia.

      • The Tetrachord of Archytas

        I thought Unia had some of their best moments while also being their downfall…but at the same time they were kind of a gateway band for me that I can’t say I enjoy listening to much anymore. I think the album right after Unia is straight up dad rock

        • Dubs

          You nailed it. There were some quite good moments on the album, but it was the beginning of the end. I still like Ecliptica and Silence.

          • The Tetrachord of Archytas

            Did you hear that they rerecorded Ecliptica to be more “reflective of who they are now” or something like that?

          • Dubs

            I did. Randall Thor said the new mix is terrible.

          • The Tetrachord of Archytas

            It is awful.

  • it’s all fvcking heresy

    Just went to Turbo Tape Games website. They greet you with a lovely high pitched squeal before you can navigate the site. Also their description for UHR Warlords already gives away how bad this will be. Not sure what other mechanics you can have besides core mechanics in a chess simulator.

  • Leif Bearikson

    Isleland. Isle.Land. ISLELAND.

    I quit.

  • Count_Breznak

    My guess would have been Jonathan Blow.

    • i’m either offended or supportive… but i don’t know because i can’t tell the connotation of your statement.

      • Count_Breznak

        It’s the Guy who made Braid/The Witness. Comes across as pretentious and takes forever to get anything done, the perfect fit for DT .

        • i’m overtly familiar with Jonathan Blow, and i think he’s a genius. so by inserting the word “pretentious” into your comment, i now have decided to be offended by it. *shakes fist at Count_Breznak*

  • Guppusmaximus

    “The very soul of what was once real music is lost in a digital quagmire of emotionless sonic madness.”

    Are they really shitting on their own latest release in their own game?! That takes some real cojones.

  • Waynecro

    Congrats on that surprisingly accurate prediction, Joe. You’re my favorite soothsayer.

  • tigeraid

    EMPEROR. NEFARYUS.

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    Authored by Joe Thrashnkyll