Blackest Review ov White Death’s White Death!

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Q: What is best in life?

A: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women!

There is “black metal” and then there is black metal. And then there is the one and only trve incarnation of ultimate might, carnage & darkness: BLACK FVCKING METAL. For the purpose of today’s discussion we shall dispense with all puny other incarnations because they are false, impure and require “quotation marks” and/or “air quotes”. Finland’s White Death play nothing but BLACK FVCKING METAL exclusively and require only spikes, torches and frost. If you lack access to any of these three elements of BLACK FVCKING METAL then you probably shouldn’t even try listening to White Death’s debut album, White Death, because chances are you lack the fortitude to withstand the RIFFS and are probably also a beta, if not a total fvcking cuck. If you think you’ve got the balls to handle White Death’s crushing blitzkrieg ov devastation then go ahead and press play. Just make sure you’ve got a safe space nearby because you are about to be SERIOUSLY TRIGGERED.

CUCKS AND BETAS LEAVE THE FOREST

 

A comprehensive knowledge and appreciation of all trve second wave black metal BLACK FVCKING METAL is not exactly necessary for you to understand just how crushingly savage and belligerently un-fuck-with-able White Death trvely is. Then again, if you don’t worship every canonical release from the second wave and don’t jerk off to photos of Dead’s self-inflicted gunshot wound and don’t express yourself exclusively through YouTube clips of Darkthrone‘s Transylvanian Hunger and don’t remind everyone you know on a daily basis that De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas is the best fvcking BLACK FVCKING METAL album ever recorded then you will probably have no frame of reference for why White Death is the THIRD FVCKING CVMMING ov the SECOND FVCKING CVMMING ov the FIRST FVCKING CVMMING ov BLACK FVCKING METAL.

whitedeath1

If you are still reading this review then you are obviously a trve warrior ov the battle against the insipid Abrahamic religions and the pussy-ass miscegenations of untrve quote-unquote “black metal”. For sure you must already be listening in awe to what White Death has wrought, feeling the sting of hateful tremolos and the curb-kick of the blastbeats and the masculine and not at all feminine Moon Magick of the synths and the throat-raping glory of the icy vokills and the irrepressible cavalcade of riff after Riff after RIFF. White Death play BLACK FVCKING METAL the way it was in the beginning, the way it was always meant to be and the way it will always be!! With utmost strength, ancient purity and Satanic Will! Nothing impure or weak will withstand this march of power! All will be rendered unto destruction, violation and woe! This is not “music”! This is FVCKING WAR!!!

I’m not even going to bother talking about separate tracks because if you are a trve ancient knight of the iron wolf who howls to the un-feminine moon then you will love, hail and worship them all. Well, okay, I do want to highlight the most rebellious and unrepentant six-six-sixth track, tersely and charmingly titled “Cunt”. It is probably the best break-up song ever written. Why sit around whining “She fuck’n hates me!” when you could cut right to the quick? Who cares what she thinks or how she feels? She is a woman and thus a weakling and her feelings do not matter. What matters is not what you feel (you don’t have feelings, you are Frost Incarnate); what matters is what you THINK. Because you are a MAN and you are POWERFUL and your opinions are FACTS and they are always TRVE and never ever ever in any imaginable way FALSE. Your girlfriend broke up with you because she doesn’t understand spikes or torches or frost and is also probably a fuck’n witch to boot. Thus she should be shamed through verbal and psychological abuse and then probably burned at the stake.

In conclusion, here is all you need to know:

WHITE DEATH MELTS SNOWFLAKES

whitedeath2


WAIT JUST KIDDING THIS ALBUM IS SOME WEAK SHIT

Seriously, what a bunch of basic-bitch-ass riffs. I have heard every riff on this album a thousand times, usually in more interesting songs. Their presentation here is so textbook, so nauseatingly derivative. The musicianship is proficient, I guess, yet utterly uninspired and stale. The production is so sterile, so flat, like fresh cardboard. The most interesting part of the album is that hilarious little vocal yip that kicks off “Kaste”—the sound of a child watching you break its favorite toy. Oh and then there’s that swashbuckling, mead-sloshing, boot-stompin’ singalong at the end of the album that is just…oh boy…words escape me. Goofy pirate outro aside, this is black metal 101, kiddies. Did you bring your lunchbox? Hope your mommy packed you some cookies.

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White Death will be released by Werewolf Records on February 17th.

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  • Lacertilian
    • This album fvckin rips dude! So savage!

      • Lacertilian

        Exactly, everytime I come to read about new music on metal blogs I wonder why I bother when this album already exists.
        Then I remember why I come, to post this album!

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    CONAN REFERENCE!!!!!!! HAIL

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    so this is an alt right band?

  • Howard Dean

    I can’t speak to the aesthetics or the supposed meaning behind it all the way the author of this review can, but I can discuss the music on this album. Any of the other stuff and carrying on is clearly grandstanding and baiting and there is really no reason for it.

    If you like the sound of old-school finnish black metal (Horna, Sargeist, Satanic Warmaster), you will enjoy this album. It’s melodic and atmospheric in all the right places, and the vocals are just completely insane (seriously throat shredding stuff). Superb all-around black metal album. Recommended.

    Favorite tracks: Immortal Hunter of the Moon, Goat Emperor, and Cunt.

    • Richter listens to and reviews a lot of black metal. I’m inclined to believe him when he says a record is basic shit.

      • Howard Dean

        I would find him a lot more believable if he actually discussed the music in this review. Instead, he did some strange performance act for four paragraphs and basically then just said it was shit because he’s heard a lot of similar sounding albums. That’s not a review, it’s a fucking joke. We were meant to laugh along to it. But it’s certainly not an accurate or real review. It’s grandstanding.

        • Joaquin Stick

          I think you answered your own complaint in those last 4 words.

          • The wizened Stick gets it.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Eh, I thought it was funny. You done good.

        • It’s all about ethics in music journalism.

          • Howard Dean

            It doesn’t need to be all serious business (I’m as much a fan of irreverence and being ridiculous as the next dude), but when a five sentence criticism in the comment section of the review is more substantiated than the actual review itself, it’s pretty fucking bad.

          • 1. Receives promo
            2. Listens, rolls eyes
            3. Has nothing much to say about mediocre promo
            4. Writes review anyway because is a prick
            5. As usual, turns review into self-serving performance act because writing reviews is boring
            6. Predicts review will rustle jimmies
            7. Is not wrong.

          • Black Smallbeard

            I was more confused with why you gave it a bad review and some of the other stuff that you do like

          • Óðinn

            Otherwise known as the Richter cycle.

          • Joaquin Stick

            That second part of #5 is spot on. “I like this, but I’m so dang tired of writing reviews, so what else can I do?” is my first thought with all promos.

          • 1) Writes bad review
            2) Thinks he’s a successful troll when people say “hey, this is a bad review.”

            It comes across like you had this joke in your head awhile and just sort of jumped on the first album that gave you an excuse to write it.

          • RJA

            When I was reading the first paragraph I was on board. I actually though SupremeKrieg may have written it!

        • I love me some goofball dumbfuckery, but I’m with HD on this one. Byah!

    • Black Smallbeard

      i love this album and my copy (preordered way back in november) should be here soon

      • Howard Dean

        I preordered the CD way back, and then received it in the mail in December (even though it was supposed to be released in February). I was fucking pumped about that.

    • sweetooth0

      that’s more like it.

    • Kyle Reese

      I liked the song that they linked to. And I thought all the on and on was hilarious. But what do I know? I like Metallica and Killswitch!

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        People can say what they will about Killswitch, but Alive or Just Breathing is an amazing fucking album. It’s basically the only album I really like by the band, but it’s a home run.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HagyiqJM7g

        • Kyle Reese

          Dude, I’ve got ’em all. Incarnate is hella fun.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nG7n93dShNQ

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I don’t know…I’ve definitely heard worse stuff than most Killswitch, but I always felt their other albums were kinda bland compared to Alive or Just Breathing. That’s just me though; I’m not that big on metalcore in general – save for a few exceptions.

          • Kyle Reese

            Ya, they found a formula and have stuck to it.

  • SupremeKrieg

    What the fvck is this false fvckin review shit. You probably don’t even fvckin play a fvckin instrument. First you fvckin shit on Bolzer now you shit on White Death? You fvcks think you’re all high and mighty on your fvckin pretty little porcelain throne? So fvckin what if I like RIFFS? That’s the cornerstone of all unfalse music. Transylvanian Hunger is one of the best fvckin records of all time so fvck you, you untrue fvck for slandering it. You’re lucky you won’t ever fvckin meet me otherwise I’d fvckin show you what a true fvckin spiked arm band fvckin feels like. You insignificant little cvnt. That fvckin song is about little false pople like yourself that sit at a fvckin keyboard all day clacking away like a fvckin dickhead. White Death make fvckin true music for legions of unfalse fans, so fvck you for looking down on us. You think you’re better than us? Maybe my fvckin mother did pack fvckin cookies for me as a little kid, she sure a shit doesn’t now. I fvckin take care of me and mine, like true fvckin warriors do. So you can get the fvck out of our forest, we don’t fvckin want your kind. Fvckin untrue, false shits. Fvck.

    I’m going to blast the true fvckin hell out of this album so loud that you’ll hear it in your pitiful fvckin basement, you scum.

    • Elegant Gazing Globe

      “false pople like yourself that sit at a fvckin keyboard all day clacking away like a fvckin dickhead.”

      Pot / Kettle / Black

      • SupremeKrieg

        What the fvck are you on about? Yeah, I like black metal.

      • The Tetrachord of Archytas

        Pot/Kettle/Black Metal

      • SupremeKrieg

        Get that fvckin shit out of my face.

    • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

      Ooh, watch out. We’ve got an internet badass right here.

      -Heather Taylor, 2 months ago

      • SupremeKrieg

        Fvckin what the fvck is this? That’s not even your own fvckin words. FALSE

    • RJA

      “You think you’re better than us? Maybe my fvckin mother did pack fvckin cookies for me as a little kid”
      I’m definitely stealing this for future use!

      • SupremeKrieg

        Fvckin thief

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      If you are a false don’t entry

  • RustyShackleford

    Haven’t been called a beta cuck in years. 10/10 incredible review absolutely literally unflushable. YEP!

  • Black Smallbeard

    terrible

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    The ol’ bait and switch review

    • Óðinn

      Don’t forget the new bait and switch.

  • KyleJMcBride

    But, but that’s what all Black Metal sounds like to me…

    • RJA

      Right! Of course that’s why I love it as opposed to your indifference.

  • cavernaabismal.bandcamp.com/album/viles-vitae-iv-cd
    >>>>>>>>>>>>Weak Death

  • So in summation, White Death is white trash? Got it.

  • Óðinn
    • KyleJMcBride

      Blake Judd once told him that he ought to cut down.

      • Óðinn

        True story.

    • He looks bored, wishes he could play in a smooth jazz band instead.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Imma say it one, Imma say it again.
    Imma gonna fuck you in your armless pits, Richter.

    • Ooooh, you know how to charm a lady.

  • sweetooth0

    Yeah no.

  • RJA
  • Óðinn

    Thanks, Richter.

  • Primordial Chaos
    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      always upvote BATHORY

      • Primordial Chaos

        Good, they deserve our respect, this album with “Hammerheart” and “Twilight of the Gods” are gems of metal history in my opinion.

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          Blood on Ice is my favorite.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    The armless one strikes again. Awesome review, although I admit to liking their sound.

    Also, two FLUSHED ratings in one week. There is now a trifecta in play.

  • According to Bandcamp, this album is catalog number “EVIL-040”. I bet several other labels wish they had snagged that particular nomenclature!

    • Óðinn

      EVIL-666

      SATAN!

  • Waynecro

    This review is pretty funny, but I do dig this album. The melodic bits really tickle my black-metal pickle. In other news, this shit is awesome:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RO720X1svQ4

  • Hans Gruber

    I don’t see anything to get upset about, neither in the music nor the review. Black Metal be blackmetalin’, reviewers be exaggeratin’. In this case, I kind of get the jadedness Richter seems to have felt.
    At the end of the day, you’re still gonna hit play and decide whether you like it or not. No review is objective and nothing means anything anyway.

    • Óðinn

      Yeah, it’s pretty straightforward second-wave stuff. I know that many people like that sound, and I also know that Richter likes stuff that’s more unusual.

  • Rob M
  • Óðinn

    I like some music. Some music, I don’t like. Other music, I have no opinion about.

  • Some Guy

    That false review cracked me up. I also liked the music. Nothing new, nothing out of the ordinary but nothing bad either.

  • Spear

    So like, are we allowed to enjoy both the music and the review, or are they mutually exclusive?

  • Óðinn