Black Veil Brides – Goodbye Agony: A Video Breakdown

2988
186
Share:

Brand new look. Same crappy taste.

I know you’re not supposed to judge a book by it’s cover, but just look at this cover:

bvbsoft

Yeah, judge it all you want. Black Veil Brides look like the Motley Crue has a baby with Tokio Hotel at the MAC cosmetics counter. And then pissed on it. If they were in Australia, their look would be a bootable offense. It’s a gimmick and I get that. Hey, I always enjoy a good gimmick be it masks or face paint or whatever. This gimmick appeals to 13 year old girls just starting to become really interested in boys. They’re threatening, but still fresh linen-soft. It’s for teens that want to rebel, but still need a ride to the mall.

I mean, I’m currently resisting the urge to punch my laptop just looking at them and I don’t think I’ve ever heard a song by them. Sometimes bands are able to shed their gimmicks, focus on the music, and become hugely influential. Just look at Pantera. I don’t think too many people would sing along to “Walk” if they were still sporting leopard spandex and teased hair. As luck would have it, Black Veil Brides have changed their look (maybe they did this a while ago, but it’s news to me) and released a new video.

0:01: Oh hai, Jesus!

0:04: “Mallgotha” would have been a more appropriate name.

0:10: Spider Goth, Spider Goth, likes to chew on poser moths.

0:15: That’s some high-quality, store-bought dirt. That stuff’s loaded with nutrients

0:20: Hey, who left their Light Bright on?

0:28: NOT THE BEADS!

0:34: Mirror, mirror on the wall, please tell mom to take me to the mall.

0:38: FINE! I HATE YOU, MOM!

0:41: Nice flannel tied around the waste. Much edgyness.

0:47: M SHADOWS!

0:55: Citronella candles: a cheap and effective way to light your music video and keep mosquitoes away.

1:02: BVB traded in makeup for a lot of finger accessories.

1:06: Cool, she’s drawing the bridge that Old Man Gloom just burned.

1:09: Huzzawut?

1:20: Is the bassist dressed in a wedding cake from the 60’s?

1:32: That dude is definitely named Chad. Or Brayden. Or Jayden. “Indiana Jayden”. I like it.

1:34: Black Veil Brides blowup dolls now available.

1:46: I think this dude is wearing two belts. And I don’t think either of them are holding up his pants.

2:01: BRING THE WAR…but please, pretty white people only.

2:22: Nothing says “You’ll regret this when you’re 40” like a neck tattoo.

2:31: Good thing the drummer has all those cymbals. They really make a huge difference.

2:34: More citronella candles! Is someone having a cookout?

2:57: “T” is for “Time to leave”

3:00: Maleficent? Is that you?

3:16: Soloing and doing the “I gotta pee dance”. Who says BVB aren’t talented?

3:35: M SHADOWS!

3:51: “Here. Take my book of shitty drawings. I don’t want them anymore.”

4:16: Gasp! The shitty drawings brought him back to life! Or he was alive the whole time and they made a terrible, terrible mistake.

So there you go. Black Veil Brides may not look like the bottom of a purse anymore, but it doesn’t make much of a difference. That song has more processing than the McRib, but unlike the McRib, Black Veil Brides is around all-year long.

  • I refuse to watch this video. Sorry 365DOH

    GL

    • I’m not saying you should watch. I’m saying you should point and laugh.

      • But, by watching, you inadvertently help this band. Which is what I am trying to avoid.

        GL

        • I dunno what help a curmudgeon with Adblock is going to offer these fools.

        • Death

          I thought you liked bad and boring music (new In Flames)

        • ¯_(ツ)_/¯

          • I guess I look at it being worse bolstering their video view numbers then by them making fractions of 1 cent per view…

            GL

    • i cannot wait to watch it on my lunch break. i quite enjoy LULZ

  • Tyree
    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Oh you son of a bitch. Talk about a fucking cooker and one of my favorite Venom tracks. That’s it. It’s Venom all day on this site!

      • Tyree

        It’s a cooker for sure! The faster Venom is my favorite kind of Venom.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Yeah, and this one of their faster tracks period.

      • this sounds good. you two are going to be ripping apart my Venom hymen today. do not be gentle.

  • Death

    “Someone should introduce every member of this band to heroin.”
    -someguest

    • I think his shirt says “Heroin” so they have probably already been introduced.

      • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

        He just can’t tell the difference between it and heroine

    • Xan
    • Kim Jong Un’s Anal Rampage

      Or krokodil.

      • Death

        I live near Russia so I can go get some if you guys over there on the American soil give it to them.

        • Kim Jong Un’s Anal Rampage

          It’d at least make them more interesting after a while, when they start looking like they skeletons from Grateful Dead’s “Touch Of Grey” video when they play live.

        • VV.

          Aren’t they British?

          • Death

            Wikipedia says they’re American. You should know your people, dude.

          • VV.

            I don’t claim them.

          • Blame Ohio for BVB – the rest of the U.S (including my state, which is to thank for Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam, Hendrix, Queensryche, Disfiguring the Goddess, Soundgarden, and Nevermore) doesn’t want them.

          • Spiny Norman

            All of those things are bad.

          • What’s wrong with Nevermore?

          • Spiny Norman

            Whoops, didn’t notice that one. Can’t say because I’ve never listened to them. Most of those are shit.

      • Guacamole Jim

        Holy hell your name is the best.

        • Kim Jong Un’s Anal Rampage

          *takes a bow*

  • How many of these dorks do you think we can cram into one locker?

    • something tells me they’re quite familiar with the interior of lockers, which might explain a lot actually

    • Xan

      Get Papa Joe in here. He is the master of locker cramming.

    • Elite Extremöphile

      If we just put a Hot Topic logo above the locker, they’ll just cram themselves in.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    This is the best video breakdown yet. I am seriously lulzing.

    Extra mega points for “M SHADOWS!” in the timestamps.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      That fucking flannel around the waist… 90s nostalgia is the worst nostalgia yet.

    • That guy has some serious M Shadows going on in this song. If he was wearing sunglasses, I wouldn’t be able to tell them apart.

      • That closing paragraph brought a tear to my eye.

      • M Shadows!

        YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS YOU CANT ROCK DA AVIATORS LIKE A BOSS!

      • Kim Jong Un’s Anal Rampage

        I thought they were a killer kai band when I first saw their band pics. Then I found out they’re a band of twinks from L.A giving each other a Chili Rainbow.

      • Lacertilian

        *dons steel-capped work boot*
        *awaits time to administer boot for this blatant bootable offense*

  • Nine Inch Males

    This and the Taylor Swift article are veering dangerously close to MS territory.

  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    My tolerance for bullshit is pretty high, but I couldn’t get past 1:30. Well done.

  • NO, no no no no no no and NO!!!!!

    • Tyree
      • Gladly.

      • Weedeater is amazzzinggggg. I was hoping to see them again on this tour but they’re only playing in their hometown (I mean, for realz? we’re in the same state?) Maybe if i buy him some jim beam he’ll come burn one with me

        • Tyree

          I saw them last week, and they tore shit up! Always a good time!

          • For one of this year’s new hoodies i might get: they have one with two hands praying holding prayer beads, with a tagline that says “God luck and good speed.” Its like they made it for me.

          • Tyree

            NICE! I got their 16 Tons LP in green Vinyl when I saw em. It’s glorious.

          • Awesome! Im not a huge vinyl guy but I dolphinately appreciate them. My buddy has a ridiculous collection. Any time I see an awesome pressing I want to give a thumbs-up

          • dude, the drums sound so damned good on that album.

          • Xan

            My ears are still ringing from the last time I saw them.

          • Tyree

            Yeah, they play loud and go hard! I’ve seen them twice now and both times have been incredible.

  • There are not enough toilets on this earth to adequately flush these pungent turds.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Fuck, are they fucking joke.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
  • Beunhaas

    Argh… They ditched the makeup. I don’t care for BVB, but I sort of respected them for the makeup and the clothing. You can say whatever you want, but it was sort of different, SORT OF. FUCK OFF. I think I heard a BVB song before, and I can remember it having harsh vocals. They ditched the harsh vocals. The only remarkable thing about this is how unremarkable it is. FUCK. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

    • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

      Excuse me sir, I said sir! I believe this belongs to you. It’s an extra FUCK. Here you go sir.

  • Spear

    I need a video breakdown of this. NEED. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A34bNoP2BQM

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I love this song, no fucks given. Pure delicious cheese.

      • Spear

        Oh, don’t get me wrong, I love Pathfinder, but this video is just ridiculous.

      • Xan

        I like extra cheese on my power metal.

  • Tyree

    HOLY FUCK! I NEED THIS!

    An entire bun made of cheese and tater tots, a double sirloin burger wrapped in peppered bacon and drenched in chili and cheddar cheese.

    • This is the meaning of life.

    • Tyree, you can come have breakfast at my house any day

    • Death

      My arteries!

    • Mr.CustodialArts

      Looks like someone already ate it.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      RIP Tyree

    • Scrimm

      Jesus dude now I’m STARVING.

    • Xan

      RIP Tyree’s heart. It was a peaceful soul who loved grindcore.

    • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

      there are plans for “limiting” food for citizens—based off planned extensions of “obamacare”—a “food police”–

      already in the msm–they are starting brands like “angry orchard” apple juice–while placing apple orchards in the new southpark episodes as “angry/forbidden”prison camp mentality—there are numerous carl’s jr commercials showing overly excessive food mentality—

      any time you see the word “extreme”–basically—>they want to remap how people eat—and place “values”and/or even “sexuality vibes”–on food—so that later they will have a template—to forbid certain foods–to people—based off the fact that they will say the govt has a right–since they give “free insurance”—then food totalitarianism is “justified:–

      anyways–they kind of give away their “cult” roots–by their excessive use of “bacon”–as being the recognized sign—-

      bacon as “excessive”–for the “trashy” people—–a magic spell–

      used to “curse” things —that the rockefeller mafia doesnt like

      magic bacon–for the scumbags(subconscious trigger concept/kabbalah spell)
      000
      another new thing–is it seems theyre getting pretty close to banning certain/most traditional soft drinks—-that is why they have to write “friends” and all these lifelover concepts of goodness–all over coke products–

      to give psychological justification —to balance out—-that coke is completely non agenda 21 compatible—so they are sort of treading water–until they are eventually banned—by being all friendly and shit

      • a veritable Z of Knowledge.

      • VV.

        You can have my burrito when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

        • Tyree

          VV >>>>>>

          Love it!

          • VV.

            The Grindprophet Tyree >>>>>>>>>>>>

      • Pagliacci is Kl/rke

        I KNEW I was picking up “sexuality vibes” from the George Clarke burger. If you’re wondering, the George Clarke burger is pink inside, like a leather glove on the outside.

  • FFDP look like metal gods compared this sorry excuse of a wannabe band.

  • Kim Jong Un’s Anal Rampage

    Is that KD Lang in the first pic?

  • Death

    YES! Old Man Ruse albums have been shipped!

    • Which pressing did you get, Death? Let us know WHAT you get, for that matter.

      • Death

        I bought both of the CDs. Really looking forward to listening to them.

        • I’m still looking forward to it, too.

          • Death

            I actually really liked the ruse they made. The Ape Of God aparently has something to do with tricksters, so it was a clever deed.

          • smh

          • Death

            What did I say wrong?

          • I just disagree is all. Thus the smh.

          • Death

            Ok. We can still be friends, right?

          • I see both of you guys’ points. I think you might be giving them too much credit for cleverness though, Death. I think you might be too butthurt still Joe. #pragmatism #BeardWisdom

          • Death

            Mentally I’m on the level of a little kid, so I like stupid jokes like that.

        • I opted for the vinyl and now must wait a few more weeks…hopin i can find the CDs this week and the CD store. I’ve been waiting for these albums since they released that shot of OMG in the studio. That OMG documentary is pretty cool too.

          • Death

            I would like to buy more vinyl, but it’s more expensive than CDs and I’m not made out of money. Also I have always prefered CDs over vinyl.

          • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

            I usually buy CD’s but vinyl ain’t THAT expensive (one for the peice of two CD’s ), it’s gettin a good player that’s a pain for my wallet.

          • Death

            I don’t really want to pay over 30 euros for an album unless it’s something special.

          • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

            Where do you shop? Most vinyl I buy isn’t that expensive? Granted I don’t buy much of it.

          • Death

            I shan’t tell you, for it must remain a mystery.

          • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

            Oh snap! I was *this* close.

          • Had that issue as well. Had a few records before i even bought my turntable.

          • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

            I had a cheap-ish usb connectable one. It was bad. Currently saving for a 400€ player (MUCH TOO EXPENSIVE!) that would actually work

          • I was lucky enough to find a refurbished Mitsubishi model that was originally from like ’83? only paid $80 for it. Sounds phenomenal. I really like having the retro equipment.

          • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

            I would do this!

          • Death

            I currently have a 390€ player and love it.

          • Gave my bff one for christmas a while back. An old one, for sure, but is still working (use it to put albums #ONBLAST while we LAN at his house). Might be worth it to hunt down a more vintage one. #TheyJustDontMakeThingsWellAnymore #MadeInAmerica?

          • Death

            Having friends. How does it feel like?

          • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

            You gotta give to get. I didn’t

          • Death

            Was that your motto when you were working as a prostitute?

          • VV.

            Keep the tip.

          • Death

            We don’t tip here. We’re all Mr. Pinks.

          • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

            Goddammit you! You silver tongued devil! Want some?

          • Death

            No thanks, Tom Hanks.

          • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

            Shame

          • The shipping can also be a bitch. Since Ape Of God is two albums, i had to pay like $15 shipping, but that’s nothing compared to the international shipping charges. Ordered the new Witch Mountain straight from Svart and shipping was almost as much as the record itself.

          • Death

            I was lucky and had to pay only 22 euros for both of them (includes shipping). That’s close to the price of a one new CD in Finland.

          • Is that from the Profound Lore webshop?

          • Death

            Yepsiedoodles. I am glad. Two CDs for the price of one. Tickles me the right way.

  • more beer

    Maybe goodbye agony to them but not to anyone else.

  • nbm02ss

    Off topic, but the new Nightingale is really fucking good. For anyone who is having a hard time waiting for the North American release, there are ways to procure it online, but you better buy the album when it drops or I will send Jack Bauer after you!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmCJLC6W_Ds