Black Metal Conspiracy THeory: What You Need to Know

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Hey, you. Yeah, I’m talking to you. Get in here, I—shhh, keep your voice down, we don’t know who could be listening. This is important, I’ve stumbled on to something big here, and someone else needs to know about it. That wasn’t a typo in the title, it’s part of—SHHHH. Keep your voice down. It’s part of this whole operation they’re trying to pull, and this one starts at underground black metal and goes straight to the top, man, the FRIGGIN’ TOP. I SAID KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.

So here’s the deal, and you gotta keep this to yourself for now, see? Pretty soon we’ll be ready to blow the lid off the whole operation, but until then it’s all on the hush-hush. Been listening to a lot of black metal and thinking about how the government is taking away all our guns and replacing them with chemtrails, and suddenly I noticed something as I scrolled through my black metal library. Thaclthi. Thantifaxath. Thaw. Theogeny. Theoria. There is Chaos. Thyrkron. All of these bands start with ‘Th’! In fact, those seven bands started with the letters ‘Th’ more than any other letter in the entire alphabet. Check mate, Obama.

So what does it all mean? Take a look at the evidence. There. See it? It’s so obvious that I shouldn’t have to explain it. And I won’t, because who knows what kind of reptilian shape shifters are listening right now, masquerading as my ex-girlfriend who wouldn’t even listen, wouldn’t even listen to my clear explanation of how she should already know something that I don’t even need to explain, because seriously, come on (if you’re reading this, Rebecca, pls respond to emails). But I guess we can look at little deeper.

Thantifaxath is a brilliantly dark, nasty sounding black metal band that unleashed the album Sacred White Noise (or was it Thacred Thite Thoise? You tell me) this year, but it was clearly a false flag. They’re from Canada, a country notorious for harboring Canadian bands. For the real truth, we’ll have to move south. According to the lamestream media (and maps), Brazil is in South America. And you know what’s in Brazil? That’s right, Thyrkron. They might as well change the name to Thio de Janiero at this point. Back in 2012, these guys released a raw, explosive EP (at six tracks, it’s nearly as long as a full-length) that incorporates driving rock influences into their take on black metal. With Roman numeral song titles, lyrics in Portuguese, and a name your price download, the secret operation had clearly begun.

Fast forward to 2013, fly across the globe to Syria, and you’ll find stage 2 of Operation TH (OpeTH for short) underway. Theoria is a two person black metal project from Aleppo, Syria. With all of the unbelievably intense things happening in Syria in recent history, writing and recording their brooding-yet-gripping 2013 album Mantra was likely no simple feat. UNLESS, that is, you were undercover operatives in a worldwide conspiracy that probably also involves Chex mix, Sarah Jessica Parker, and the Olive Garden. Speaking of every sheeple’s favorite Italian eatery, Italy’s Thaclthi is where our web of something, I’m pretty sure, continues. Their 2013 EP …Erat Ante Oculos features a layered, consuming slab of howling black metal. With heavily obscured vocals and cohesive, yet raw production, these guys are clearly signaling that it’s time for the mothership to land, using the pyramids to navigate. If it’s not obvious by now, allow me to point out that this band displays TWO (count them, I did) instances of the code in their name. WAKE UP AMERICA.

OpeTH now lands on home soil, in Santa Cruz, California, where the misfits in Theogeny no doubt got a knock on their door from men in suits, who were actually nuns in men-suits in suits, who took them to the Pope, who was actually an alien in a Pope-suit, who took them to Obama, who was actually Obama, and he said “These guys play solid, aggressive black metal, and their early 2014 self-titled album was really good.” I know it’s difficult to hear the truth, but we all have to face reality at some point. Now, with America conquered, our saga moves to Germany, where the recent demo by There is Chaos proves without a doubt that the fluoride that the UN put in drinking water makes everyone love Beyonce. This short, nasty recording stomps and screeches its way through six brief, harsh tracks that you can pick up at a price of your choosing. But remember, choice in an illusion.

By now, you should have known that we would end up in Poland with Thaw. By know, you should know everything you need to about this band that released a fantastic album this year. But, did you know that if you made an anagram using all the letters in these bands’ names, it would say “THIS THEORY, TOTES REAL! WAKE RON, FIX THAT THROAT THINGY, CH-CHIA! HIT THAT HAT, NH.” Chilling. This not only confirms my truth, but it’s clearly a message to the people of New Hampshire to hit not only a hat, but that hat, and that anyone who has ever had a Chia pet, a neck, or the name Ron is in great danger. Get your head of out of your television sets and listen to these bands, people, it’s time to take back what was stolen from us, which is definitely something, I think. As soon as I figure out how to link OpeTH, the name of the operation itself, to metal, I’ll let you guys know.

So who out there is paying attention to the obvious? What sort of cover up am I missing here? Hats on, discuss below.

 

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