Shirt Stains: “Watch Your F$#@%ing Mouth” Edition

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Welcome to a new ongoing feature here on the Toilet in which I will be displaying some of the terrible t-shirts and other merch metal bands deem necessary to print. You would think that it wouldn’t be hard to make a decent t-shirt; just throw the band name on the front, maybe a cool picture, and you’re good. But no, of course not. That’s not how things work anymore. Where are the PR groups and managers jumping in to say “Hey, stupid. You’re not a graphic artist and your ideas are terrible. Stop it. Just play your instrument”?

Huntress – “#Clitboner”

huntressshirt

I don’t know much about Huntress other than they’re not Baroness or Priestess. What I do know is that this shirt is a pile of terrible with a wasabi-awful reduction. This shirt is like a turducken of terrible. Before we even get to actual letters or words, this shirt starts off with a hashtag (or Pound sign for those that don’t Twitter). Nothing outside of social media should start with a hashtag. The only time it should be on clothing is if you’re promoting some sort of social justice campaign, and even then it’s a little dicey.

Of course, that little symbol pales in comparison to the rest of the shirt. Clitboner. Just look at that pseudo-word. Not too long though. Blood might start trickling out of your ears. While writing this, I’ve written “clutbonter” more times than I’d like to admit. That’s probably my brain telling the rest of my body not to write out “Clitboner”. I assume that this is a joke or some sort of reference, but it’s probably lost on 99% of the metal world and 99.9999999% percent of humanity. And frankly, I don’t want the joke explained to me. If you have to explain it, it’s probably not funny.

What is funny is that their name “Huntress” is on the back, almost like they forgot to put it on at all. It’s a helpful reminder to people bewildered at the front of the shirt that they can go complain about Huntress online. Band shirts are meant to 1) have your fans show their support and 2) advertise to potential listeners. This shirt does neither. I don’t think we’ll see this trending any time soon. Clutbonter indeed.

Machine Head – “Machine Fucking Head”

machinehead

I get it. People are so excited about Machine Head that they have to wedge “fucking” in the middle of it. Don’t you remember Gavin Rossdale singing “Got a machine fucking head. It’s better than the rest. Green to red, machine fucking head”? And the “Head Bang Mother Fucker!!” on the back? That can be read a lot of different ways. The scratch font just screams “WWE circa-2001”. Plus the extra exclamation point is just excessive. Tsk tsk.

This is just an easy way to guarantee that your shirts can’t be worn in high school. Come on, Machine Head. That’s at least a quarter of your demographic!

And when you think about it, what does that shirt really imply? A head that has intercourse with machinery? Perhaps the band is a fan of Marvel Comics and it’s an ode to M.O.D.O.K, the Mental/Mobile/Mechanized Organism Designed Only for Killing. Or maybe it’s a reflection of Robb Flynn’s use of social media occasionally getting him in trouble? Maybe it’s a commentary on how technology is affecting society’s capacity for critical thinking. That’s it! We are obsessed and addicted with technology. Staring at our computers and phones all day, cutting us off from human interaction, feelings, and emotions therefore turning humans into the machines they worship. Right?

Naaaaaaah. It’s just some curse words for the sake of curse words.

Iced Earth – “Fuck Posers”

icedearf

This is a joke, right? It has to be. I can’t fathom them being serious in any sort of way, just like I can’t fathom someone paying actual, government-backed currency for them. No one would ever confuse Iced Earth of being tough guys. I mean, Iced Earth managed to make Dracula soft. Sweet bass, though. Dracula loves groove.

And what posers are they talking about? Who does Iced Earth consider posers? Do people still say “poser”? I thought that went out with Ozzfest and message boards. There’s a part of me that hopes this is some sort of bootleg, but I’m not sure.

Maybe I’m just over-thinking things and the shirt is being literal. Iced Earth wants you to make sweet, sweet passionate whoopie with people who pose in various positions.

Attila- “Shutup You Never Fucking Listen”

attilashirt

Attila is a band that loves to court controversy. It keeps them in the news and fills them with the sort of pride only a tea party troll on a news website can understand. There’s a reason people don’t listen to you, Attila. I’ll give you three guesses why and every guess is a correct answer. Oh, and “Shutup” is two words, guys. Maybe you should have spent more time listening in school instead of carving Limp Bizkit lyrics into your desk during lunch detention.

It’s nice to see the band use all of the fonts from the free font website. They also managed to cram in as many words as possible. That’s just good economics. Seriously read everything on that shirt out loud in one long stream. “Attila outlawed shutup you never fucking listen”. That’s not even baby talk. That’s a stream of conscience from an angry 13 year old that was told they couldn’t go to the mall with their friends.

And if anyone in Attila reads this, be sure to post a link to our sight all over your social media. Thankssssssss!

You probably won’t see too many of these shirts outside of shows. You don’t need to make a statement every time you step out in public. These shirts are not exactly something you wear when you head out to Target and therefore, hurts the bands in a roundabout way.

If I have one piece of advice for bands making merch, it’s this: Don’t use fucking swear words on your shitty fucking shirts, you dumbass cockfucks.

  • “#Clitboner”. Now that is that is a good ass hashtag!

    GL

    • i have the premonition that i’ll become the toilet new-word of the month..

    • Mother Shabubu III

      It’s a good band name if you’re a pornogrind band comprised of all women with large, dangling clitori.

    • I get what a clitboner is, but what would a bonerclit be??? O_o

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Best not to ask

  • If only.

  • I saw a really, really cringey Morbid Angel design recently. Let me find it real quick.

    http://www.musicrecords.cz/upload/catalogue/image/original//big/11312960786530865717.jpg

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      That slogan is pretty old actually.

      • It’s just terrible.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Oh well, at the time it might have been more biting. Who knows.

      • nbm02ss

        Yep. I have the t-shirt stored away somewhere. Moths may have gotten to it by now.

      • Jöhnny Crünch™

        It goes back at least 20 years.

    • Tyree

      I actually have this. I wear it around the house a lot.

      • Tyree you could wear a tutu and it would be fucking radical.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        You mean you don’t circle pit around the house?? FUCKING POSER!!!!!!!!!!!!

        • Tyree

          I drink beer around the house and murder small animals while I listen to extreme music that is for extreme people.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            That’s more like it.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            We should hang out

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            lifelovers

          • Steve Smithwick

            It’s true, Tyree loves the fuck out of life. Although to be completely fair, given his collection of excellent shaggy-haired beer-swilling awesomeness photos, he probably deserves to love dat life.

          • Tyree

            I’m going shit all the lifelove out of my asshole and then tear my anus out instead of wiping it.

          • Aint nobody got time for that man!

            GL

          • Tyree

            Ha, I do too. It’s really dose help.

          • Steve Smithwick

            Holy fuck, that thing is aggressive. ‘Hunter Specialties: For sportsmen who want to sodomize their own dogs, but not with their flesh-and-blood penis.’

          • Mother Shabubu III

            Of for sportsmen who want to sodomize their own dogs with a #clitboner.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Fine you’re invited too

          • Tyree

            Bring the finest beer-water you got BRO!

          • Maybe one day TOH will host its own concert and we can all show up?

            GL

          • CyberneticOrganism

            TOH LIVE | Sverd i Fjell | Stavanger, Norway

          • Stockhausen

            Thank you for reminding me that I’m not in Norway right now.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Sorry brah

          • i vote that My Dick band to be the headliner.

          • Xan

            I second this motion.

          • Blut Aus Nord will be one of the openers.

          • TOH LIVE | Featuring: MY DICK | DETROIT MI.

            Detroit is the ultimate toilet. It must be held there.

            GL

          • The Satan Ov Hell

            I can show up and play my ambient live in a silly robe!

          • more beer

            As it should be.

        • God

          Fuck shit up!!!!! *knocks lamp off table*

          (Except this Friday, I have guests coming over *picks lamp back up*)

    • CyberneticOrganism

      That’s radikult

    • Keegan Lavern Still

      Beat me to it, you silly bitch! I saw that hoodie sold when I saw them last year for the 20th anniversary tour for Covenant. I’m just glad I wasn’t the only one visibly cringing and shaking my head at it at the merch table. At least I got a cool memento from that show.

      • i just blew a cringe fuse.

      • David Vincent’s Spandex Shirt

        He was being a real prick that night (moreso than usual) we had a bit of a falling out.

        • he was taking a page from the Matt Pike playbook!

          • Keegan Lavern Still

            In case you didn’t notice, his nipples are pierced. I’m not sure why, but I just had to bring it up. It was odd seeing it (them) when I asked him for a picture, and it’s still weird looking back on it.

          • Cock ov Steele

            David Vincent’s pretty notorious for pursuing any sort of “edgy” fad.

          • PrincePoopyPanties
          • i did notice that. and i guess it’s a thing?! i had a buddy in college with pierced nipples… he wasn’t weird at all.

      • crazytaco_12

        This fucking picture hahaha

        • Keegan Lavern Still

          Biggest dork alive, and at peace with it! I don’t know what choice I made that night was dorkier: the decision to part my hipster haircut to the side, or that fucking scarf.

          • crazytaco_12

            Ah no dude, you’re good, I just can’t get over Macho Man David Vincent over here man haha. The dude’s cartoonishly beefy

    • Mother Shabubu III

      That shirt is too extreme!

    • IronLawnmower

      I really like morbid angel and I really want to buy some of their merch. Unfortunately I don’t want to be seen wearing that in public

    • Sponge Of Mystery

      god that slogan is so fucking stupid, they’re lucky they wrote Altars of Madness

  • Edward

    I am the proud of owner of this shirt, all bands referenced in this article could take a queue from Cult Leader here.

    http://holymountainprinting.bigcartel.com/product/cult-leader-andy-dufresne-shirt

    • Xan

      <3

      • Edward

        x100

  • DeadButtDreaming

    Dimmu Borgir has produced some shitty merch over the years.

  • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

    Huntress isn’t Goatess either

  • nbm02ss

    Cradle of Filth has some cringe worthy shit out there.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Wow. Terrible.

      • YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND REAL PAIN

    • Mother Shabubu III

      Although…

    • I like CoF, but that “Jesus is a c*nt” t-shirt is pretty awful too..

      • Mother Shabubu III

        Are you Supernintendo Chalmers from the ol’ Metal Injection days by any chance? I know it’s probably just another guy with the same avatar, but it’s worth the ask.

    • Stockhausen

      The hate grows stronger.

    • I read that and suddenly my hair was jet black and my bangs fell across half my face…

    • crazytaco_12

      OOOOOHHH SHIT! hahaha good lord this is beautiful

    • CyberneticOrganism

      FRRRP

  • Man, as if huntress’s music wasn’t bad enough…..

  • CyberneticOrganism

    OMG mom & da d SHUTUP you guys never fcucking listen I HAVE TO go to tAht indoor rokc climing place with Tucker and Kyle becasue KENDYL ANDERSSON is gona b there wtf I hate you guys if I cnat go iLL DIE WTF

    *plays single Attilla song on repeat for an hour*

    • A new saga begins…

      • CyberneticOrganism

        The Ballad of Dylan: 15 yr old Attila fan

        • KENDYL ANDERSSON!

          GL

        • Xan

          Perhaps a soliloquy would work best for little Dylan.

        • Further Down the Metal Hole

          DO IT!

    • Stockhausen

      You are learning about our species at an alarming rate.

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    PICK A CHAPEL!

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Great article btw, band merch is a subject ripe for ridicule and/or praise

    • <3. More on the way. There are some bands that will have entire articles dedicated to them. I'm open to suggestions.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        I think they’re out of style (at the moment), but those hypercolor graphic shirts that were all the rage several years ago were fucking awful to behold. That’s not metal did a funny write up about em: http://www.thatsnotmetal.com/2012/05/soft-cotton-slim-fit-fruity-pebbles.html?m=1

      • Mother Shabubu III

        Please praise the greatest shirts of all time. I mean nothing is more of a “fuck you” in public than a cross made out of pictures of some of humanity’s lowest points.

        • Mother Shabubu III

          For some reason my pictures aren’t showing up. Now this makes me look a foo.

        • One of my favorite band tee’s is a Cattle Decapitation shirt. They’re fucking great.

          • crazytaco_12

            Fucking love that four horsemen of the apocalypse shirt. So damn funny

          • That’s the one I have!

          • crazytaco_12

            Atta boy

        • Stockhausen

          Theologically speaking, a cross made from humanity’s lowest points is actually spot on.

        • Leif Bearikson

          Holy shit, I need that Cattle Decap shirt

  • W.

    I like Machine Head, but yah, that shirt is terribad. Also, Randall Thor still thinks it’s cool to call people posers.

    • Steve Smithwick

      PSL’s are for posers.
      #shotsfired, #187OnThatPumpkinLatteDrop

      • I bought a PSL yesterday, but then I remembered I had ice water in the fridge and I fed the PSL to my cat instead.

        • Steve Smithwick

          I presume your cat promptly eliminated him/herself.

          • Nah, he decided he also didn’t want it and spilled it all over the floor

        • Xan

          I bought a PSL two days ago and drank it because it is fucking tasty. I’m also a bitch cvnting lifelover.

    • If Manowar does it over ever did it, it is and will forever be objectively cool.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhYjU7-w8g8

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      It will never be uncool. Poser.

      • W.

        Guilty as charged, King.

    • Oh, low blows while I’m away on vacation, I see how it is W

      • VV.

        You must always be prepared to defend yourself!

  • Mother Shabubu III

    I would bang my head on the head of anyone wearing that “Headbang motherfucker” shirt.

    #clitboner

  • IronLawnmower

    This is a MUCH needed series as about 90% of metal merch is awful. Especially back print. So many cool shirts ruined by stupid stuff like “Extreme music for extreme people” in impact font on the back.

  • Stockhausen

    I would hate to see who Iced Earth considers posers. I bet his name is Geoffrey, insists on always being called Geoffrey, and listens to Gaither Vocal Band when he’s feeling frisky.

    • It kills me that I know who the Gaither Vocal Band is.

      • Stockhausen

        Don’t lie, Iced-Earth-variety poser.

  • The Satan Ov Hell

    every goatwhore shirt is semi cool, but ruined by the band name. Then again, fun story relating to it. A friend wore one, and a tourist asked in broken english “you make love with the goats?” Great moment.

    • Xan

      I can only hope to have this experience some day.

      • The Satan Ov Hell

        All deserve to witness such.

  • Tyree
  • Cock ov Steele
    • Stockhausen

      *contradiction

      • Cock ov Steele

        I agree. But that is a matter of debate for the knights of the round toilet seat.

    • the BRO is strong with this one

    • This had to be intentional. It’s perfect.

      • Cock ov Steele

        #Deathcorefuckingmetal

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Heavy metal deathcore metal death core

  • The Satan Ov Hell

    speaking of machinehead, listening to a leak of their new album. CHRIST FUCK, IT STINKS LIKE A CLOGGED TOILET.

    • The Satan Ov Hell

      holy mother ov flush, each song is starting with potential, but crashing and burning. But Rob Flynn does some cool throat singing at one point.

      • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

        Ain’t there an official stream of the whole album? Why a leak? That said I now feel bad liking Locust, it is simply that bad. And no song properly rises of the ground, it’s like they were afraid to actually go full on into every chorus or something.

        • The Satan Ov Hell

          I didn’t realise there was a stream up.

    • PrincePoopyPanties
  • Pagliacci is Kvlt

    As much as I like the Atlas Moth, their pot related t-shirts are kind of lame. We get it, you like pot. Here’s their “Reign in Bud” shirt. They also have a “Smoke ’em All” shirt.

    http://theatlasmoth.bigcartel.com/product/reign-in-bud-t-shirt#

    • I started getting into AM a few months back. Bummed to hear that that’s their merch.

    • I’m pro-weed (obvs, i’m a pirate) and Atlas Moth is probably one of my most favorite bands (Spoiler Alert: The Old Believer is the best album of the year). That being said, I do have an AM shirt but, as the post says, I generally dont wear band shirts unless i’m going to a show.

      edit: the shirt I own is this one: http://theatlasmoth.bigcartel.com/product/space-indian-t-shirt

      bought at an AM show before they were cool. that’s all.

      • Pagliacci is Kvlt

        The Old Believer is currently in my top 10 for the year.

  • I think this one will be in the next edition.
    https://s3.amazonaws.com/merchdirect-stores/product_images/38224

    • Further Down the Metal Hole

      Why is that rude skeleton pretending to be a chef?

  • Scrimm

    I’m usually turned off of wearing offensive shirts, especially as I get older but I do have a Grave tour shirt that says Burning Looting Raping Shooting on the back that is awesome.

    • Tyree

      Grave fucking slays! Saw them with Morbid Angel and Dark Funeral years back and Grave should of fucking headlined. They were by far the better band. Dark Funerals sound was shit and Morbid Angel were just assholes and only played 3/4 of their set and then just walked off stage with out an explanation to why; they also played a lot of their newer shit which was shit obviously.

      • Scrimm

        I saw that tour as well and Grave leveled that place. We left after one Dark Funeral song. By far the best I’ve seen them. That’s also where I got that shirt.

        • Tyree

          Yup, Grave fucked up all the rest of the bands hard! I really want to see them tour again, I was hoping they would make the MDF bill for next year but no such luck.

    • Cock ov Steele

      I pretty much lost interest when I graduated Highschool Although this is still one of my favorite shirts http://thumbs3.ebaystatic.com/d/l225/pict/171255455342_1.jpg

  • Xan

    Totally misread the title of the article as shit stains.

  • Cockypock Aioli

    Wearing shirts is for losers who have no chest hair. Lameos.

    • The Satan Ov Hell

      Clothes are for people who have time to die. Hell, I don’t even have time to sleep!

    • YOU WANNA HAIR-DOWN, BRO!? I WIN BY DEFAULT

      • Cockypock Aioli

        I can only imagine how many wench ghosts you’ve amassed to this point.

        • Their spectral moans and grunts can still be heard aboard my mighty ship!

          • more beer

            That`s why you can`t return that ghost dildo i knew there was more to it.

          • If you weren’t more beer then I would be afraid that you’re stalking me. However, we’re old pals.

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    cuss words—words that piss people off—these are all good things—in these times of murdering self righteous hypocritical liars—scumbag media—yahoo fucking getting women to shame women in flash mob harassment–that they dont like that theyre “too skinny”–(tara reid)—

    these motherfuckers–put her on the home screen–and told everyone to “shame her”–cuz they dont like her body image (too pretty)–
    fuck these type of motherfuckers on every level—“mass shame-ing” fuckers —goddam harassing pc pieces of shit

    this kind of shit is getting forced on people—-fuck them

    labeling people cause of words—and not actions or actual character

    anything that pisses these type of people off is a good thing—scumbag drphil slaves of inanity

  • I hate it when bands curse in their songs and it makes no sense. The lyric “The grass is always greener where the dogs are shitting” makes sense, but then some emo comes along and writes songs about “fuck you and fuck you too” and I just want to smash his head with a thesaurus

    • oh @Rho Stone:disqus, you’d love dat new Slipknot…
      “i know why Judas wept, MOTHERFUCKER!!!” from Lech.
      “cut cut cut me up and fuck fuck fuck me up!!!” from Custer.

      • maybe all the dudes in slipknot would pass through my toilet if I soak them in acid first

  • God

    So doesn’t disqus have any safeguards in place to prevent accounts with the same names existing? There are two RiotAct666’s on MS right now with the same exact profile pic and name and everything. Except one cannot stop talking about gobbling cocks

    • I thought the cock gobbler had spaces in between… if that even matters

      • God

        Nah there is another one. I know which one you are talking about but he has always been a little weird.

        • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

          So there’s THREE!!

          There seems to be two Riot Act 666’s as well.

    • Max

      You know the “positive vibes” one with the spaces in his name and the red devil avatar? I’ve come to think that one is the genuine article, or the most likely candidate. Because apparently, back in the Blabbermouth heyday, the OG RiotAct666 was very upbeat and optimistic about stuff, and didn’t do any flushing. I learnt this by Googling him once.

    • Further Down the Metal Hole

      It appears now that there are infinite acts of riot over there.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Agreed. Too close to the whole AFFLICTION bro look.

  • Gurp

    be sure to post a link to our SITE*

  • FeelTheDarkness

    I had a Soundgarden shirt I got in 1990 that said “Louder Than Fuck” on the back. That was sweet.

  • MoshOff

    Saw this Goatwhore shirt at Summer Slaughter. Made me cringe like nothing has in a while. They were billed BELOW Thy Art Is Murder, for fuck’s sake

    http://www.metalstorm.net/images/articles/1409-2.jpg

  • crazytaco_12

    Man, this was a great fucking article. I cannot tell you how many shitty shirts I’ve seen at concerts (though I know we all have). Some of the shirts I saw at HHFF were fucking horrible. Also gotta call on bands to stop doing homage merch with another band’s font and also overly offensive image shirts, shit just looks dumb. Cattle Decap’s bassist runs a clothing line that seels this shirt that I think is pretty funny and sums up most of this article. http://images.cdn.bigcartel.com/bigcartel/product_images/126744141/max_h-1000+max_w-1000/DM_logo_preview.jpg

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Now I want one of these.

  • crazytaco_12

    Also, gotta point out this fucking “winner” from Housecore, ultra-cringeworthy (though the front ain’t bad) http://s3.amazonaws.com/shops.musiconelive.com/catalog/product/cache/28/image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/r/z/rz_tnp_fb.jpg

    • CyberneticOrganism

      So, the teenaged Nosferatu was a pussy? I’m confused.

  • Further Down the Metal Hole

    If there’s a vote going, I’m raising my hand for Iced Earth for worst.

    This sounds like it’s gonna be a fun series, can’t wait for the next installment!

    And as a fan, I’ve always had to cringe at the Machine Head t-shirt. Not a fan of overused swearing, although I love to swear a lot (but only when appropriate! Fuck off).

  • Jöhnny Crünch™

    Funny, I was just raging to myself about that fucking stupid #clitboner shirt today

  • PrincePoopyPanties
  • I think that this one should’ve at least gotten a (dis)honorable mention in this article.

  • I think it’s worth mentioning I Declare War’s extremely controversial shirt

  • Riot PhoenixAct 666

    Those Iced Earth, Attila, and Machine Head shirts are horrible. But i think this one takes the cake.