It has been five incredibly long months since we switched over to the darkest timeline. Five God-forsaken months since that dreadful November night where America’s heart sank. Five months since our collective hope died and we realized that, maybe, there actually ISN’T a way Bernie Sanders can still become President.
I can’t speak for the rest of you, but I personally felt betrayed by all of the obviously clickbait headlines that promised there was still a chance that things would be okay. “Fake news!” I cried aloud, weeping as I flipped my desk and ran to the comfort of my framed printout of Birdie Sanders. How could Buzzfeed be so cruel? Why would they fan the flames of false hope that the best Larry David creation since Seinfeld could still win a clearly rigged election? Much like the anarchist spirit animal of every high schooler in America, they probably just wanted to watch the world burn.
Unlike those shysters, those false enablers of pseudo-positivity in our darkest hour, I’m here to bring you the truth. I’m here to set you free. I’m here to tell you that there are 4 possible ways Bernie Sanders can still win and become President…of metal.
1. He Could Become the New Frontman of GWAR
I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t even have any idea if GWAR is still a thing. Following the loss of Dave Brockie and subsequent fallout with Kim Dylla, they’ve been relatively quiet. What better way to come back then by announcing an ornery septuagenarian senator trying to win the presidency as their new frontman? This isn’t about GWAR though, this is about Bernie. Can you imagine if he fronted this collection of Scumdogs? The image of Bernie pirouetting through the air, adorned in nothing but a loincloth and foam armor, and beheading the mega-noggin of a Donald Trump caricature is one that I find seeping into my mind during my most intimate moments. Do you need any further proof that this would instantly elevate him to the presidency?
2. He Could Defeat Frankie Palmeri in a Cage Match
The President should be a man of the people. He should be someone who answers when they cry out, someone who rises to any challenge they present to him. Well the people have spoken, and they want to see a most righteous smackdown laid upon Emmure frontreptoid Frankie Palmeri. If the image of Bernie Sanders walking to the ring to Rick Derringer’s “I Am a Real American” with an American flag draped over him isn’t enough to wake the USA up, the beating he lays upon Frankie surely will. Frankie will try to persuade Bernie that anime is actually the truest form of art, but Bernie will have none of it. After failing to persuade him, Frankie will pull out his Gurren Laggan body pillow (what the fuck is this, seriously?) and hit the Senator with it repeatedly. Bernie will be unphased, though, for he is the true champion. He’ll take the pillow right out of Frankie’s hands and smother him with it just before hitting a swanton bomb off the top of the cage and bringing America to its senses. Once it is all said and done, Lance Buffer will step into the cage and award our man with the Heavyweight Presidency belt.
3. He Could Insert a Tom G. Warrior “UGH” Into Every Non-Celtic Frost Album
It’s no secret that I’m no fan of Celtic Frost or Tom G. Warrior (save the latest Triptykon). I AM, however, a fan of grown ass men performing forced, dopey sounding grunts repeatedly over harsh sounds. Judging by the amount of money Arnold Schwarzenegger has made in his career, I think it’s probably a safe bet that you do too. The American people want grunts, and if Bernie Sanders can give them to us then he may yet become President. (If he’s reading I’d like to specifically request that Obituary’s Slowly We Rot be replaced entirely by TGW “ughs” and Hetfield “Yeaaaayeaaas” pls).
4. He Could Reveal Himself to be the Timeghoul
In 2016 Timeghoul exploded. Never before has one band been name-dropped in so many reviews. Their popularity is at an all time high and their name is fun as hell to say, so what if Bernie revealed himself to be Timeghoul? No, not the band, but rather the titular creature. A beast who travels through time feasting on the lifeforce of the innocent before his earthly husk dissolves into sand and is blown away into the oblivion of time. That would be dope as hell, right? It couldn’t possibly worse than the reptilians that have been running this place for the past few centuries. I, for one, look forward to the day when Bernie lowers his hood and raises a finger, gnarled by age, to CNN’s cameras and slowly croaks out “…timeghoul” under his breath before forcing his reign upon us. It will be lit.