Bernie Can Still Become the God-King of Metal. Here’s How.


It has been five incredibly long months since we switched over to the darkest timeline. Five God-forsaken months since that dreadful November night where America’s heart sank. Five months since our collective hope died and we realized that, maybe, there actually ISN’T a way Bernie Sanders can still become President. 

I can’t speak for the rest of you, but I personally felt betrayed by all of the obviously clickbait headlines that promised there was still a chance that things would be okay. “Fake news!” I cried aloud, weeping as I flipped my desk and ran to the comfort of my framed printout of Birdie Sanders. How could Buzzfeed be so cruel? Why would they fan the flames of false hope that the best Larry David creation since Seinfeld could still win a clearly rigged election? Much like the anarchist spirit animal of every high schooler in America, they probably just wanted to watch the world burn.

Unlike those shysters, those false enablers of pseudo-positivity in our darkest hour, I’m here to bring you the truth. I’m here to set you free. I’m here to tell you that there are 4 possible ways Bernie Sanders can still win and become President…of metal.

1. He Could Become the New Frontman of GWAR

I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t even have any idea if GWAR is still a thing. Following the loss of Dave Brockie and subsequent fallout with Kim Dylla, they’ve been relatively quiet. What better way to come back then by announcing an ornery septuagenarian senator trying to win the presidency as their new frontman? This isn’t about GWAR though, this is about Bernie. Can you imagine if he fronted this collection of Scumdogs? The image of Bernie pirouetting through the air, adorned in nothing but a loincloth and foam armor, and beheading the mega-noggin of a Donald Trump caricature is one that I find seeping into my mind during my most intimate moments. Do you need any further proof that this would instantly elevate him to the presidency?

2. He Could Defeat Frankie Palmeri in a Cage Match

The President should be a man of the people. He should be someone who answers when they cry out, someone who rises to any challenge they present to him. Well the people have spoken, and they want to see a most righteous smackdown laid upon Emmure frontreptoid Frankie Palmeri. If the image of Bernie Sanders walking to the ring to Rick Derringer’s “I Am a Real American” with an American flag draped over him isn’t enough to wake the USA up, the beating he lays upon Frankie surely will. Frankie will try to persuade Bernie that anime is actually the truest form of art, but Bernie will have none of it. After failing to persuade him, Frankie will pull out his Gurren Laggan body pillow (what the fuck is this, seriously?) and hit the Senator with it repeatedly. Bernie will be unphased, though, for he is the true champion. He’ll take the pillow right out of Frankie’s hands and smother him with it just before hitting a swanton bomb off the top of the cage and bringing America to its senses. Once it is all said and done, Lance Buffer will step into the cage and award our man with the Heavyweight Presidency belt.

3. He Could Insert a Tom G. Warrior “UGH” Into Every Non-Celtic Frost Album

It’s no secret that I’m no fan of Celtic Frost or Tom G. Warrior (save the latest Triptykon). I AM, however, a fan of grown ass men performing forced, dopey sounding grunts repeatedly over harsh sounds. Judging by the amount of money Arnold Schwarzenegger has made in his career, I think it’s probably a safe bet that you do too. The American people want grunts, and if Bernie Sanders can give them to us then he may yet become President. (If he’s reading I’d like to specifically request that Obituary’s Slowly We Rot be replaced entirely by TGW “ughs” and Hetfield “Yeaaaayeaaas” pls).

4. He Could Reveal Himself to be the Timeghoul

In 2016 Timeghoul exploded. Never before has one band been name-dropped in so many reviews. Their popularity is at an all time high and their name is fun as hell to say, so what if Bernie revealed himself to be Timeghoul? No, not the band, but rather the titular creature. A beast who travels through time feasting on the lifeforce of the innocent before his earthly husk dissolves into sand and is blown away into the oblivion of time. That would be dope as hell, right? It couldn’t possibly worse than the reptilians that have been running this place for the past few centuries. I, for one, look forward to the day when Bernie lowers his hood and raises a finger, gnarled by age, to CNN’s cameras and slowly croaks out “…timeghoul” under his breath before forcing his reign upon us. It will be lit.

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  • Bernie could do donuts with his Prius at Wacken.

  • RustyShackleford


  • Guacamole Jim
    • GL

      That gif is … HEAVY.

  • GL

    God damn am I tired of people talking about the election. The shit is never going to go away!



    • Man, it’s almost like politics affects everyone in both tangible and intangible ways constantly

      • GL


        • ABTP (always be talkin’ politics)

          • Señor Jefe El Rossover

            ABP (always be politicing)

          • GL

            ABB (always be blasting)

            come on guys!

          • Señor Jefe El Rossover


          • GL


            (too far?)

          • Señor Jefe El Rossover

            Too far.

          • GL

            NR (no regrets)

          • Señor Jefe El Rossover

            GL (GOOD LAD)

      • Sid Vicious Promos

        It may affect us but it shouldn’t affect us this much.

      • Óðinn

        I’ve found that it’s actually very dangerous to be apolitical and lack any kind of civic engagement or understanding.

    • Señor Jefe El Rossover

      You gotta admit though, Leif did an outstanding job here. That shit is funny!

      • GL

        It was no comment on the content, I was just complaining in a non-side-taking way.


    • Sid Vicious Promos

      I’m sick of hearing about it too.

  • Señor Jefe El Rossover


  • Señor Jefe El Rossover


    Yeah, that’s a movement I could get behind.

    • Bowel movement is something we can all get behind.

      • Señor Jefe El Rossover

        I try not to get behind on my bowel movements, do my best to keep them regular.

        • Never disrespect the fiber! Empty out your butt proper.

          • Señor Jefe El Rossover

            “Put that shit on a bumper sticker and I’ll buy the hell out of it.”

            – Joe TnK 2017

          • Just need Bernie on a box of Wheaties and it’s good to go.

          • Señor Jefe El Rossover

            *insert bad joke about Wheaties boxes only being reserved for winners*

          • With today’s technology anyone can put themselves on a box of Wheaties and declare themselves a winner.

          • GL
          • Poor Lemmy- and poor Lemmy’s bowels, considering the guy subsisted on meat, cheese, and Jack Daniel’s for decades.

          • Óðinn

            Jack Daniel’s and cheese makes you pixelated. True story.


          • See what I mean?

        • GL

          I have been struggling to perform the last couple of mornings.


          • Señor Jefe El Rossover

            Oatmeal and copious amounts of black coffee.

          • GL

            Only black coffee is real.

            /hip hop beat

            “24OZs OF BLACK COFFEE,
            MAKE-YA SHIT YA PANTZ,
            WAIT AND SEE.”

          • Señor Jefe El Rossover

            When does the mixtape drop?

          • GL

            Right after I finish crapping my pants…


          • saprophial

            Try a Quest bar (~15g fiber) and hot black coffee.

            The very earth will move.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Keep the poo behind you, not the other way around.

  • These photochops are glorious

    • Señor Jefe El Rossover

      Wait… what photochops?

    • Óðinn

      Very realistic. It’s almost like Bernie is actually jizzing blood on you.

  • atchdav

    GWAR’s new frontman is the original Beefcake who is now going by Blothar. They’ve been working on a new album. Not sure what the anticipated release date is.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Let him merge with the worm, that he may live for four thousand years and bless us with his policies that mimic those of Nordic countries.

  • RJA

    No fan of Celtic Frost or Tom G. Warrior – that’s a paddlin’!

    • Señor Jefe El Rossover

      It is a sad day to learn such things.

  • Sid Vicious Promos

    Look, I’m not a conservative or a liberal but the fact that people are still protesting Trump and saying he’s not the president are just not right. He’s the president. There’s nothing we can do about it. We’ll have to wait another 4 years to get him out of the office of President.

    • Señor Jefe El Rossover

      This post
      JJD’s head

      Just having fun man.

      • Sid Vicious Promos

        I know it’s a joke and it’s a funny post. I just had to point that out.

        • That’s not entirely true. He’s fat, old, and stupid. He could easily die in office.

          • Sid Vicious Promos

            I don’t want him to die because if that happens Pence becomes president. No sane person wants that.

          • I’m thinking increased stress, not exercising and poor diet might do the job that others cannot.

          • I don’t know if it’s true, but one of the anonymous White House staff leakers was talking about The Don’s late night binge eating the other day. It’s quite revolting.

          • Hopefully he started smoking the devil’s lettuce and will settle down a pinch.

          • I dunno man, I’ve NEVER had munchies that bad- like, half a gallon of ice cream then keep going bad.

          • Good, keep scarfing down that filth Don! We’re all pulling for you!

    • Óðinn

      Well, there is his collusion to undermine the democratic process along with the Russian government. The allegations are substantial. This must be fully investigated. If found true, which would be highly likely in a fair process, Trump has to be impeached.

      On top of that, politics begins after an election. This is when Trump can, and most certainly will, do damage to this country. Civic engagement shouldn’t be something you think about every 2 or 4 years.

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      I think I should be President. If elected, the invisible bar you use to pull yourself out of bed in the morning will be real, and made of freedom!

      • Rain Poncho W.

        I’d vote for you if you weren’t a Limey.

    • Protest is a means by which people are given a voice and can use that platform to highlight injustices. If you are following much of what is going on, it is absolutely necessary for as many people as possible to come together and denounce this inhuman piece of trash and every single politician that has hitched their wagon to this trainwreck.

      • Óðinn


      • Plus if a protest is considered a nuisance, it is effective.

        • Study MLK and operate in that fashion. You can beat this back with good organization.

  • Rain Poncho W.

    These are some of the best chops we’ve run on this site.

    • Señor Jefe El Rossover

      What are these chops people keep talking about? I see no such thing

  • Jack Rabbit

    I’d like to think Bernie’s running mate would be George Clarke

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Flying Bernie Slam should be a band.

  • Freedom Jew
  • Waynecro

    But if Sanders becomes the president of metal, he’ll redistribute all my hard-earned metal to people who didn’t bother to get out of bed in the morning and earn their metal like responsible adults.

  • Spit out half-masticated chicken at “Timeghoul”