Be awesome and tell your friends about Toilet Ov Hell!

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We here at Toilet Ov Hell Industries (a division of Flush Co) want to express a sincere THANK YOU to everyone who’s visited the site in the seven short months we’ve been in operation. Thanks to you, we’ve all become better people. Better than you, anyway. That is, unless you tell your friends. Do you have any friends? Go get some friends first, then tell them about Toilet Ov Hell.

If you’ve enjoyed any of our features on weekly album releases, artist interviews, album reviews, tech death, bandcamp finds, grind finds, thrash finds, power metal finds, making fun of awful videos or awful shirts, open swim Fridaysambient/noise, cool movies, fitness, whiffs and riffs of the week and about a hundred billion other topics, tell a friend or two to come share in the face-melting and the lolz. Who knows, one of you may even end up writing for the site!

Hang out with us on Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr or Instagram or Google+. It will make you a better person. Seriously. Don’t believe me? Check out what some our own authors have to say about their pre- and post-TOH lives.

_____

Papa Joe: Before the toilet I had free time and a fiancé. Now I have an inbox full of unread email and the kinship of literally tens of troll Disqus accounts. Please like and share these posts to justify my increasingly poor decisions. Thank you.

Leif Bearikson: I used to be an insufferable asshole posing as a cat, but now I’m a decent person posing as a bear. Thanks Toilet ov Hell!

Simon Phoenix: Simon says come to the Toilet Ov Hell where you can learn about all the wonderful things pertaining to thrash and other genres of metal. But especially thrash. Oh don’t pay attention to the large group of rough looking guys wearing battle jackets standing a few feet behind you. They’re just there for… motivation. Anyway I really think you should check out the blog. It would be good for your health, and the health of your wife and daughter. Where are they, you ask? All you need to know is that they are safe, as long as you go check out the blog. And be sure to tell your friends about us too. I have all their addresses, so I’ll know whom you told and whom you didn’t. Be well.

Dagon: For all my life, I’ve been the guy with the lowest self-esteem in the jungle I live in. I was always picked on, dropped from the 6 o’clock vine I ride to school, even the Saguí monkeys used to fling shit at me. Ever since I started reading the Toilet Ov Hell, my life was completely changed. I now have access to new, amazing, steaming hot shit everyday to fling back. I have also learned that no jimmy will remain unrustled, earned several good boy points, got rid of my fedora made out of leaves and most importantly, have found my true identity as a submarine Mesopotamian deity. Who’s the king of the jungle now, huh? Thank you, Toilet Ov Hell.

Masterlord: Before I found the Toilet ov Hell, I was afraid. Afraid to get close to anyone. Afraid to love. Afraid to live. My… dysfunction made me feel like… well, less of a man. But now, as a regular of the ToH, I have the confidence I need. It’s given me the assurance that, should I find myself in an intimate situation, my body will be ready.

Randall Thor: Before coming to the toilet, I had run out of posers to slay. All my remaining friends also listened to power metal, and my supply of poser blood to bathe in was running dry. Then I discovered the Toilet Ov Hell! Now I can sign on, go to the comments, and slay posers all day! I can even write articles telling the posers that I’m coming to slay them! This site works by posting about bands that don’t play power metal, attracting wimps and posers who don’t listen to power metal. Once they have arrived, I unsheathe my steel and commence glorious battle with the false. Before the Toilet, I was worried that I may run out of posers to slaughter. Now, for the first time in a long time, my stores are full of poser blood, and the cries of the false emanate from my dungeons. Thanks Toilet Ov Hell!

_____

How can you argue with all that? YOU CAN’T.

(header img via)

  • I wanted to reach out to all the people who lurk on the site and never stop in to comment with us. So! If you are lurking, have lurked, don’t want to comment, or any other combination please stop by and introduce yourself !

    GL

    • Herr Schmitty

      And if you’re into that sort of thing, know that I am occasionally willing to have sex with lurkers! So if you want to sex Lynchy or Schmitty, announce your lurking presence here!

      • I want no part of whatever you are talking about!

        • God ov All

          😉

        • Herr Schmitty

          Oh please- who isn’t up for a game of unprotected-sex-with-internet-strangers, eh Lynchy?! I’m not suggesting that we have sex with each other, merely that we split the lurkers that want to sex *us.*

          ETA: Let me know when I cross the ‘too weird’ line, please!

          • What have you done with the old Schmitty! ?

          • Herr Schmitty

            He’s handcuffed to a chair and ball-gagged in a basement somewhere.

    • dr.derelict

      As an avid lurker, comment reader, and occasional commenter who can’t keep up with the site in real-time, most of us (and I don’t claim to speak for anybody) just enjoy the site’s content. This includes the ‘circle-jerking’ of regular commenters. (Usually.)

  • Dr. Dubz

    After the Masterlord forced me at axe-point to take a quiz to find out if I am a little jazz boy or a big jazz boy, I discovered, much to my chagrin, that I am just a little jazz boy. Dismayed and disheartened, I attempted to fashion a noose from cheese grater wire but accidentally severed three fingers in the process. Thankfully, my trusty little trumpet dialed 911 for me, and an ambulance came to take me to the hospital. On the way, the paramedic kept asking me if I’ve listened to Enbilulugugal, and in response I attempted to pronounce the name. Unfortunately, I accidentally uttered the name of the 7th demon lord of the 9th Bolgia, whose name must not be spoken by mortal tongue, and the paramedic and I were dragged down into the 9th Bolgia to face eternal torment. However, upon our way down into the abyss, my severed fingers happened to touch the strings of a golden harp that was inexplicably hovering in the abyss, and my former digits were somehow able to coax a magic melody from the gilded strings. Suddenly, I heard the sound of rushing water as the Song of Storms rang out in the deep. A deluge of gloriously yellow urine water began pouring from the walls of the trench, and all that surrounded me, fire, air, earth, paramedic, fingers, demons, and eternity swirled deeper and deeper into a seemingly bottomless pit. When I awakened, I was lying naked and unafraid on the lid of a gleaming porcelain throne. From the center of the throne rose a burning angel whose image was like that of a bronze cowboy, and he said to me in a southern twang, ‘Welcome, my good and faithful flusher, to the beginning and end of eternity. We are all one in the swirling waters of the bowl.” My eyes burst from my head in rapture as my ears tuned themselves to the glorious skronk sound emanating from deep within the bowl. I have finally found my home. I am finally free!

    • Dagon

      My jimmy would be extremely rustled if I were you. I say bomb Cybronetic and show it on CNN.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Dammit, I was just in the process of adding yours and the two other longer ones!

      • Dr. Dubz

        Thanks for remembering 🙂

    • Stockhausen

      I hope you recited this from memory at your defense yesterday.

      • Dr. Dubz

        I did. My committee’s brains condensed into a singularity, and we all professed with one voice “Ever Their praises, and abundance to the Black Goat of the Woods. Iä! Shub-Niggurath! Iä! Shub-Niggurath! The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young!”

        • Stockhausen

          Huh. That seemed to go over pretty well, then.

          • Dr. Dubz

            The best possible outcome.

        • Scrimm

          I wish I would have been there for that.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
  • CyberneticOrganism

    For your reading pleasure, here is Guacamole Jim‘s story:

    As I explored the deep jungles of the Amazon in search for the Toilet’s own Link Leonheart, I found myself (on day 47) hopelessly lost. Where the mighty Amazon river should have been thundering in front of me murmured but a brook. Having long since been abandoned by my guides (who had become increasingly nervous the farther North I travelled, eventually mutinying and leaving me with enough food for a week and a piece of paper inscribed with one word: “demônio”) I felt true panic begin to set it. That evening, stoking a small fire in my lean-to and preparing what seemed to be the last of my supplies, I was disturbed by the distant sound of drums and chanting. My heart rose within my breast. With no second thought of danger in my mind, I abandoned my campfire, taking time only to grab my backpack, my last tin of beans, and to buckle my machete securely to my hip. Confident strides carried me towards the distant revelry, my steps renewed with the hope of a desperate man. After some time, I discovered the source of the noise: a clearing filled with 13 beautiful Amazon women, all over 7 feet tall, dancing and leaping about a fire, their mouths opened in song and shriek. I stepped into the firelight. Immediately the dancing and singing stopped, and the 13 warriors turned to survey me. We sized each other up, they, hot with the lust of a savage dance, and me, grim with the determination of the hopeless. Eventually what I assumed was their leader stepped forward. She looked at me in the firelight, her eyes molten lava. Suddenly she spoke, to my surprise, in perfect English: “Are you Guacamole Jim, writer for the Toilet ov Hell?” “Yes,” I stammered back, unsure of this turn of events. “Please!” she screamed, startling me. “Introduce me to Edward who is Breegrodamus, for he is most desirable!!” And a clamour of screams began at the mention of Edward’s name. It was at this time that I saw my opportunity, and while I’m not proud of what I did next, I don’t regret it. “Edward and Guacamole are the same,” I pronounced, mustering up my most impressive of voices. “Render unto Guacamole that which you would have rendered unto Edward.” Then they all blew me.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      For your additional reading pleasure, here is Stockhausen’s story:

      Before it all went down, I was just another hired gun. You know the type. Grizzled. Burnt out. Lost my wife to a petty criminal. Every day’s the same, just need a new carton of cigarettes. Then one day in Austin, a man approached me with a job. Funny thing is, I couldn’t tell you a thing about him. Short, tall, black, white, skinny, fat, I forgot it all the moment he slid back into the shadows. Come to think of it, I couldn’t even tell you how I met the guy. All I knew was that he offered me something I couldn’t refuse: freedom. But we’ll get to that later.

      He gave me an address I don’t remember. I went to the house, or maybe it was an apartment, I can’t say. Walking up to the dirty old joint that was rumbling with some loud, filthy music, I just remembered the only thing he told me before handing me the keys.

      “Flush it.”

      I kicked in the door, and took out two thugs with two shots to the head. A third started across the living room, but a quick kick sent the coffee table flying into his side, and a shot through the cheap wood put him down. The last jabroni had enough time to get his gun, so I rolled behind a filthy couch, flipped it over, slid underneath while it was still in the air, and took out the poor schmuck’s kneecaps. It was at that moment that I heard the music. It had all right qualities to be great, but it sounded…sick. Infected. In another sense, it sounded like filthy chains around my wrists.

      “Tell me what’s playing.”

      “Seriously, you don’t know?” The chump gritted through his agony. “It’s the newest Chelsea Gr–” I put him out of his misery, and unloaded the clip into the laptop across the room. In the blessed silence, a golden roar arose. Not from around the house, but from…another realm. It was beautiful, it was hideous, and I wanted more. No. I NEEDED more. I ran from room to room, searching for a way to it. In my frustration I loaded my gun, and emptied the clip into the walls, the ceiling, the floor, anywhere that didn’t give me more of that sacred white noise. Then I remembered his words.

      “Flush it.”

      I ran to the bathroom, and flung open the door. A heinous, wretched odor pummeled my nostrils. It was as if all of my senses became lazy with hot, hideous rot that centered around that cursed toilet. I knew what I had to do, but everything in me was melting. The languid, blistering air dripped with a foul and fetid stench that burned my skin, and I vomited. Chunks of my shredded throat mixed with bile, boiling on the petrified floor from that garish, nightmare stench. It took three steps to cross eternity, three steps to cast my eyes on that bowl. My eyes had almost dripped out of my skull, but they could still behold in terror what gazed back at me. It was everything that had once been good, righteous, and totally awesome, but was now wrecked and ruined beyond repair. I saw the half digested filth of a swoopy haircut, bubbling pus seeping from makeup that wasn’t corpse paint, and a congealed blob of good cop/bad cop vocals smothered all over and dissolving what looked to be a powerful clean voice desperately clinging to a monstrous growl.

      Knowing now my mighty destiny, I reached for the handle. While my hand flew over the filthy muck, a thousand limp-wristed posers reached from the grime to stay my hand. My powerful thrust shattered everything within my path, and I heard that glorious cacophony swelling from beyond. With a mighty yell of “LABYRINTH CONSTELLATIOOOOOOOOOOON!!!” I slammed down on the handle, and the very air around me crinkled. It bent. It warped. It twisted. Everything I knew of reality swirled in a filthy, twisting mire, and a great, vast nothing enveloped me. As suddenly as it began, all was still. Before me stood a golden throne of pure porcelain, unable to be stained, unable to be clogged. Behind it stood the man who called me to the job.

      “Welcome to the Toilet,” he said. “Check us out of Facebook.”

      “Oh yeah, hold on.” I got my phone out. “Huh, lots of battery left. Cool.” I clicked ‘Like,’ and shared it with some friends. “Sweet. Hey what’s that playing?”

      “Artificial Brain.”

      “Killer. This is a good album.”

      “Yeah man. Wanna hang out? Everyone here is pretty awesome.”

      “Yeah, that sounds great.”

    • WHERE IN THE WORLD AM I?!?!?!

      • Guacamole Jim

        I dunno man. I spent months there, getting blown. Eventually I forgot about trying to find you and just came back to Canada.

  • Tyreeling In The Years

    Before the Toilet, I read and commented on MetalSucks. So…

    • Edward/Breegrodamus
    • nbm02ss

      When Hessian took over MS for a day, I learned what a metal blog could be, so when a group broke away and started ToH I decided to give it a shot, and I’m glad I did. I truly enjoy this place, the articles, and the posters here. Cheers!

    • nbm02ss

      When Hessian took over MS for a day, I learned what a metal blog could be, so when a group broke away and started ToH I decided to give it a shot, and I’m glad I did. I truly enjoy this place, the articles, and the posters here. Cheers!

    • Poseur Diposeur

      I too am veyr happy to have an alternative to Metalsucks. I still read it but it is nice to have a site with good writing to turn to. I really respect what everyone has done here

    • john

      This describes me too.

  • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

    Toilet ov Hell has made me run faster and jump higher. My stock portfolio has also made a 300% growth in the 7 months since this website has been established. I’ve lost 20 pounds of fat and gained 30 pounds of muscle. I’ve had three raises and a promotion at my job. I look and feel like I’m 10 years younger.

    Women want me, and men want to be me.

    Simply stated, Toilet ov Hell has changed my life.

  • Scrimm

    I already told my friends about this place. Both of them.

  • Before discovering the Toilet, I languished on some awful blog that was plagued by poor grammar, poor content, and subpar photoshops. I found this here Toilet to be place to interact with others, share music and appear to be working while not actually working. All hail the flush!

    • Dr. Dubz

      Just in case you need a reminder for why to not return there, today they posted an article based solely on the fact that a pornstar was seen wearing a Maruta shirt.

      • Guacamole Jim
      • I did see that and how they have it plastered on the top of the page to suck up all that click bait.

      • God ov All

        True, but goddamn if she isn’t a smoking piece of Lebanese goodness.

        • Yes, but she is best viewed in her native environment.

          • more beer

            And that`s ass up face down in front of camera correct? Or is it setting up for the money shot? Ahh I guess either one is.

        • nbm02ss

          I’ve seen her around Tallahassee a couple times. Both times too dumbfounded to ask for an autograph. Plus, not sure how to go about it? “Hi, I watch you on my computer screen take loads on your face, will you sign my napkin?”

        • Scrimm

          I would have to disagree with you on that one sir.

          • God ov All

            Different strokes for different folks

            *giggle*

          • Scrimm

            Yep

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            Christina Ricci GIF’s!

            http://i.imgur.com/DKTmVWS.jpg

          • Scrimm

            Yes!!

      • Tyreeling In The Years

        NEWS!

      • J.R.

        They were the first to let me know that Metalocalypse Season 5 starts April 29th. It was the only “article” from them I’ve been excited to read on a while.

  • Tyreeling In The Years

    O, eye lernd 2 right gooder 2

  • Tyreeling In The Years

    O, eye lernd 2 right gooder 2

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    facebook censorship—>a plan to control the whole internet/music scene

    fuck those motherfuckers—hail free music scenes
    hail america

    a thriving tavern===outside the control of facebook/fox/cnn/911insidejob motherfuckers

    they are already getting freaky with facebook====as the internet wars grow===and the commies get more and more desperate/fucked up

    these kind of places will be family gathering type places—that are even more important than their usual “content”—–

    weird plans/censorship for facebook in the future—and a tool to use–against users—–it’s their dream

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    facebook censorship—>a plan to control the whole internet/music scene

    fuck those motherfuckers—hail free music scenes
    hail america

    a thriving tavern===outside the control of facebook/fox/cnn/911insidejob motherfuckers

    they are already getting freaky with facebook====as the internet wars grow===and the commies get more and more desperate/fucked up

    these kind of places will be family gathering type places—that are even more important than their usual “content”—–

    weird plans/censorship for facebook in the future—and a tool to use–against users—–it’s their dream

  • Maik Beninton

    Before the Toilet I read Loudwire as I was looking for metal sites, and then I went to MetalSucks to see more opined articles, I learned what ”Hate Nu Metal” means on that site and tried to find a Nu Metal-friendly metal blog, closest thing to that is Metalnjection and the Toilet.
    After I found the Toilet I decided to jump in and make a Disqus account to comment and it has been great.

    • Guacamole Jim

      There are definitely a few of us here who openly listen to Nu Metal. I’ve admitted my love for POD more than once, might have admitting to jamming to Limp Bizkit on occasion, and regularly bump Mudvayne (who are openly endorsed by our own Dr. VV.). You’re not alone!

      • Based Tapir

        Oh man! I can’t love a man like that!
        *vanishes*

        • Guacamole Jim

          DAMMIT ABRA

          • Based Tapir

            But you won me over with a good pokemon reference

  • Maik Beninton

    Before the Toilet I read Loudwire as I was looking for metal sites, and then I went to MetalSucks to see more opined articles, I learned what ”Hate Nu Metal” means on that site and tried to find a Nu Metal-friendly metal blog, closest thing to that is Metalnjection and the Toilet.
    After I found the Toilet I decided to jump in and make a Disqus account to comment and it has been great.

  • God ov All

    Hi I’m commander shepherd and this is my favorite website on the Internet.

    • Dr. Dubz

      You aren’t Commandeur Shepherd. We know who she is.

      • God ov All

        Where is she? 🙁 im not clever.

    • Commander Shepard

      Getting real sick of these fucking impostors

      • Stockhausen

        Defend your honor!

        • Commander Shepard

          I’m trying. Pretty out of it though since I tried some of Wrex’s liquor…

          • Stockhausen

            Defend your honor later!

          • Commander Shepard

            mmmkay!

  • OOC: I know I rarely post on here anymore, due to time constraints and life issues, but this site has really been a positive thing for me. I’m hoping I can get to writing articles at a semi-regularly schedule again one day, and finding more ways to support this wonderful site. I love all of you guys /OOC

    WHO WANTS TO SEE ME UNSHEATHE MY STEEL AND SMASH THIS POSER WITH RIGHTEOUS FURY?

    • Stockhausen

      I’d watch that.

      *watches that*

    • Tyreeling In The Years

      Everyone hates you.

      • If this is a gimmick, I feel like it is a bad gimmick. Just my opinion.

        • Commander Shepard

          Needs more gojiran themes

      • ño.

        • Tyreeling In The Years

          I hate my self.

          • Dr. Dubz

            I love myself, I want you to love me
            When I feel down, I want you above me
            I search myself, I want you to find me
            I forget myself, I want you to remind me

            I don’t want anybody else
            When I think about you, I touch myself
            Ooh, I don’t want anybody else
            Oh no, oh no, oh no

          • Tyreeling In The Years

            Come to my window.

          • Ño. You rule too.

    • Commander Shepard
    • Guacamole Jim

      OOC: I <3 Randall Thor /OOC

      AREN'T YOU BANNED YET??

    • Edward/Breegrodamus

      As far as I am aware, you lead the site in views per article with your Blind Guardian article, and the next one isn’t that close.

      WRITE MORE STUFF

    • J.R.

      SAVE YOUR STEEL FOR YOURSELF. ONLY THEN CAN YOU CLAIM THE SLAYING OF THE GREATEST POSER

      But seriously, my lord dragon, the people of the toilet need you. The land has grown barren in your absence, and the Dark One’s hand stretches far beyond the Blight. Rejoin the Circle and lead us to victory!

      • Daaaaaaayum that is a siqq burn

        • J.R.

          ayy u kno how I do bruh

      • CyberneticOrganism

        BE NOT DISTRACTED BY YONDER LADIES’ BREAST-REVEALINGS

    • Rubber Balls And Liquor
    • CyberneticOrganism

      HUZZAH! MEADE FOR ALL!

  • J.R.

    took a tour of a local engineering place today with the colleges department. Sat by some guy on the bus who was doing doctorate PHD stuff. Got sucked into talking about our newly christened Dr. VV who “I know from an online Toilet”. Spreading the word, folks.

    • Guacamole Jim
    • Dr. Dubz

      Ah. bless you. I’m grateful for each and every one of you tiny little goofballs.

      • Rubber Balls And Liquor

        All, snarkiness aside, grateful for you and the goofballs. You guys definitely got me through a very dark time with my grandma’s passing (and all the shit that I learned afterwards). I didn’t talk to my actual friends until later about it, but with some music, and some heart and incredible humor, it’s amazing what you can get through.

  • Matt Damon

    MATT DAMON

  • why no link to the Toilet ov Hell p0rnhub group?

    • so, that girl was correct with the mcnastiness, uh?

      • Guacamole Jim

        hahahahahahahahahahha

        • *jajajajajajajaja.

          FTFY!

          • HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            Jack Bauer!

          • Edward/Breegrodamus!

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            I’m about to leave work, will listen to The Ark Work and some metal later/10.

          • Ugh work. I have it in an hour and I’m dead tired lol. LIke past tired, like slaphappy will laugh at anything tired

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            Makes for a long ass day homeboy. That I know.

          • srs if a terrorist attacked me right now I would probably start giggling profusely

          • DAVID D DRAIMAN!

            LIVE!

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQAowmGKEh4

            1:06 fake ooohh wa ah ah ah

            1:14 OHHHHHH WA AH AH AH!

          • Man I don’t mind disturbed and still dig some of their songs but god damn is he fucking awwful live.

          • Rubber Balls And Liquor

            Southside Chicago’s ultimate embarrassment (Kanye and accounting for 70% of the murders in Chicago notwithstanding).

          • Rubber Balls And Liquor
          • Jajajajaja, Gamalyel…

          • Rubber Balls And Liquor
    • Metalsucks has porn covered brah.

      • as did Conan

        • Rubber Balls And Liquor

          His stuff is at least tasteful on his FB. Dear god, look at Terrorizer’s message boards. Love the mag, but the rest is either NSBM assholes, generally racist/homophobic/misogynist assholes to the point it’d make Rush Limbaugh cringe, and porn pics that’d make Steak And Cheese wanna hurl. Easily worse than FFB.

    • Rubber Balls And Liquor

      Wait wait, what?!?!? There’s such a thing?!

  • DoYouThinkHeSaurus

    And we can charge anything we want, 2,000 a day, 10,000 a day, and people will pay it. And then there’s the merchandise…

  • NefariousDude

    TRUE STORY TIME: I got a penny board to teach nefariousdog to pull me along on like doggie wake boarding the other day. (He’s a natural) well about 30 minutes ago i was cruising on it by myself and decided to descend down a hill. At the end of the hill there was a nice grassy area so if I ate shit I wouldn’t be harmed. Well I crashed, no injuries sustained, BUT I DID LAND IN A BIG PILE OF DOG SHIT I WISH I WAS LYING.

  • JVVG

    I don’t really use Facebook much anymore and it wouldn’t help to share there, since my friends and colleagues have made it clear that they ‘tolerate’ far more than ‘share’ my more Toilet-appropriate interests.

    I have, however, shared the TovH on two ‘Meetup’ groups

    I follow the Twitter account and retweet select articles (@JWEG79, if it wasn’t obvious)

    I’d like to get the word out in direct conversations, though… if it presents itself in a way that can’t get back to potential employers. You never can tell what it is that denies you the interview. Prejudices against metal and horror films and most of the kind of things that TovH regularly discusses are probably high on that list though.

    • True. It probably varies from person to person. I discussed TovH with my (now) boss at my first interview.

      • Rubber Balls And Liquor

        Did his jimmies get rustled or did he pop 10000000000 boners when he saw it?
        BTW, did my submission go through? Took me forever to figure out that thing, but after about 2 hours I got it done.

    • Probably the main reason I’m not on there but I’m thinking of making a gag account so I can get in there and not be subject to the real world.

      • Do that.

        • Hope to be on there soon, making a special pic just for the profile photo.

      • Rubber Balls And Liquor

        Pick a name that sounds somewhat real, though. Facebook made me change my shit several times because of that (and my friends kept pesturing me to use my real name so they can keep track).

    • Rubber Balls And Liquor

      I’m more afraid of some of my comments on Blabbermouth under my real name on Blabbermouth than here, but thankfully you have to plow deep to find my (private) page, and I don’t post any of my actual info on there. Even my fights from my music management and promotions days are long gone.

  • God ov All

    Before this site, all I had was the utter vastness of space to occupy my time. But after setting up various races and planets and watching them rise and fall vying for my attention, shit was getting old. Now I come to the toilet for my music needs and community. I love each and every one of you basterds and im still waiting on THE GODDAMN TSHIRTS

    🙂

  • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

    Before the toilet I was a lowly troll posing as Oli Sykes.
    Now I’m a lowly troll who used to pose as Oli Sykes.

    • Guacamole Jim

      You’re a lofty troll! We have only the highest quality trolls here in the Toilet Bowl!

      • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

        Aww, thanks, I will be an even loftier troll thanks to you Jim.

    • glad to have you onboard (i remember you from over there)! i find it hilarious that instead of picking a new name, you went with this…

      • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

        I’m lazy. Besides, how else would people remember who I am.

  • Commander Shepard

    Before the toilet I saved the galaxy and listened to metal.
    Now I still save this stupid galaxy stuff but I discover even more bands to slay reapers to. The toilet is the soundtrack to my and Lira’s,, uhh… extracurricular activities…

  • J.R.

    I was seeking to populate my RSS feed with metal news, and the two recommended by Feedly were Heavy Blog and MS. Stayed with MS bc those Axfacts were hilarious, and was around for the great succession that became the TovH. I’ve really appreciated being able to lurk and comment and dick around with you guys since August (?) and I’m looking forward to the future merch and just to continue being a part of this great community. Also I am leaving for the atlanta in 10 mins (Lady JR has a fencing thing) and I had to get this out before I left so sorry for the size.

    Tl;dr luv u bb

  • Happy I found the toilet. All this new music has me feeling like the dude who can’t hold all those limes. My girlfriend has gotten fairly fed up with “toilet stores” and “this guy from the toilet” but I can’t find a single fuck to give. LONG LIVE THE BOWL. WORSHIP THE TURD VORTEX.

    • Dr. Dubz

      Semper Fudge, Toilet Forever.

      • Serious props on that one, W!

      • Tyreeling In The Years

        Dose Laura make some dank fudge for you?

      • I think this calls for a design featuring that tagline. I’m gonna try and cook something up this weekend.

        • ACFP: “Hey bb, I am designing a skronked/dank/fudged tagline for the turlet this wknd. It is going to be lolbuttz”
          ACFP’s GF: “I am taking your corgi into protective custody.”

    • #StayNoFux

    • i’m going to quote a local flusher, upon joining the FB group and showing his wife all of us, she said “they all look like normal people!”

  • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

    FYI toileteers, don’t take music advice from that poser cop Spartan. He thinks Rings of Half-speed are the siqqest band ever.

    • Guacamole Jim

      wat a fukkin POSEUR

  • EsusMoose

    I told my only friend who listens to metal that isn’t djent or metalcore about it. Have yet to hear back.

  • Link’s topics on why the Toilet rulz:

    – I’m always tired and I hate my co-workers.
    – When I sit in the Toilet I can really express myself even with my broken language and have fun while doing my work.
    – Toilet keeps me sane between this sonic abomination of lousy people with nasal voices. – Toilet gives me reasons to laugh with memes.
    – Toilet makes me think about a lot of things related or not to the music I love and makes me live.
    – Toilet is a good concept to talk with my family.
    – In Toilet I can find and share all the merol that matters.
    – I can cope with all the feels I have. Even with the feelium and the feels birds.
    – Toilet have awesome users.
    – Dickbuttz.
    – Lolbuttz.
    – Maximum Rustlage.
    – We fight against everyone who want to talk crap here.
    – It’s a inclusive community that doesn’t rely on stupid gimmicks and awful clickbaits.
    – Our editors are competent.
    – The site runs smooth and disqus can embed images to share dank stuff.
    – I can comment with my broken language and nobody says a thing about it.
    – I can write with my broken language and nobody says a thing about it.
    – I can hug everyone here.
    – Zzzzzzzzz induced headaches.
    – God ov Hell brought me here.
    – Tairí’s infinite youtubes and gif embed.
    – Think tanks with GL and Dubya.
    – Randall’s epic rants.
    – Ann Kvlter’s flaccid penis.
    – Masterlord and Masterlady in the Land of Merol and Beyond.
    – Guacamelee.
    – We Miss Howard Deangrodamus.
    – Maik and Kim Jong weird gifs.
    – Papa Joe smart comments.
    – Mcnulty Mcnasty.
    – Eddie Trunk Jr. love for everything.
    – Jack Bauer’s tech.
    – #whatevermolenaarlistens.
    – Ed Negrodamus creepy avatar.
    – The Finnish Kawaii super friends: Bear and Tapir.
    – NefariousDude brasiere.
    – Everything Dagon.
    – Paris Hilton’s sexy exercise routines.
    – Scrimm for your crimm!
    – Stockhausen’s creepy music.
    – morebeer.
    – Cybernetic Brologanism quotemaker 4000.
    – 365 days ov jokes.
    – Ron Deuce grinding through the ages.
    – MoshOff sabor español.
    – Toilet water and sounds.
    – I can talk about poop openly.
    – Lifeloving and grimloving at the same time.
    – Música.
    – Cultural exchanges.
    – Might and magic.
    – Serious deal.
    – Life.
    – Death.
    – Metaphysics.
    – Merol.

    So, thanks everybody. I’m trying to convert some friends to toiletters. But, meanwhile, let me dance.

    http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140626040013/walkingdead/images/8/85/Link_dance.gif

  • Rho Stone

    Since I joined the toilet I have died and been reborn anew. Then I got hit by a car, lost my job and got diagnosed with 3 hernias in the spine. 10/10 best time ever.

    • Rubber Balls And Liquor

      Damn, hope you’re feeling and doing better.

      • Rho Stone

        not really but the new stoned jesus is sick so it evens out

  • Max

    I’ve been dispensing metal wisdom for years – even as a stupid sixteen-year old who first heard Cathedral’s Forest of Equilibrium and approvingly thought that it was a form of slowed-down death metal (YES, this was my actual opinion; I’d never heard of doom metal at that point).

    But I ask you this: If an LP falls off the turntable in an unoccupied living room, does anybody hear?

    No, they don’t. But for just an hour or so in the morning at breakfast, my living room is fully occupied, via fibre-optic cable, with a host of non-posered brethren, poised to absorb my unalloyed musings. It’s all the validation I’ll ever need.

  • Rubber Balls And Liquor

    I love the Toilet because it’s hilarious and many of the people here have the same delightfully sophomoric sense of humor as me, the music choices overall are pretty sweet, and there’s a sense of community rather than the elitist or semi-Stormfront racist/homophobic/misogynist rants and raves of basement dwellers who could be doing something better with their time. Like working as a canary in a coalmine, or being sent off to mine blood diamonds so those poor limbless kids in Sierre Lanka can finally get a lunch break.
    I’ve recommended a few people to the page, but to be honest, not many of my friends listen to alot of metal.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Truly you are teh glorious leader

  • Virgil the Ghost Poet

    I have. I have even trolled my friends Facebook accounts and posted awesome shit on their pages. For the most part all it does is pisses them off so then I started posting some power electronics heh heh heh!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Win

  • Moose_Girl

    Howdy, y’all. I am a newbie here. Kim Jong Un sent me.