BDubs Bro Attends a Halloween Party

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*iPhone alarm playing DMB goes off at 2:30 PM*

*song repeats six times before being turned off*

*rolls out of bed with five-alarm Friday morning hangover*

*changes out of threadbare Ed Hardy basketball shorts with gaudy Asian tigers*

*changes into unwashed No Fear camo basketball shorts from laundry basket*

“DON’T KNOW WHY ED HARDY WENT OUTTA STYLE BRO, THAT WAS THE SHIT!”

*wanders downstairs past awful bathroom smell, barely notices*

*prepares breakfast/lunch of protein shake, Red Bull and Totino’s pizza rolls*

*yells at unknown roommate completely out of earshot*

“GOTTA GET MY PROTEIN FOR BULK, BRO! I NEVER ROCK THE GYM ON FRIDAYS THOUGH!”

*hasn’t rocked the gym in four years*

bro_gut

*finishes shitty breakfast/lunch watching Sportscenter at deafening volume*

*peeks out window at neighbors’ Halloween decorations*

“OOOOOOHHHH! FUCK YEAH COSTUME CONTEST TONIGHT, BRO, HA HA!”

*roommates still completely out of earshot*

*throws trash in sink already full of trash*

*slams Bud Light*

*jumps in F-150, peels out of neighborhood at 60mph*

*blasts new Slipknot album*

“FUCKIN’ CRAZY-ASS ALBUM COVER, BRO! DOESN’T GET HEAVIER THAN THIS!”

*pulls up to Spirit Halloween store, parks across four spaces*

bro_spirit

*walks in and rifles through discount costume bin looking for this, this or this*

*is unsuccessful*

“WHAT THE FUCK BRO I’VE ROCKED THOSE COSTUMES EVERY YEAR!”

*settles on this instead*

“HA HA HA BRO THIS IS A FUCKIN’ PUSSY MAGNET!”

*eagerly anticipates results of said pussy magnet*

*uses phone to look up porn in middle of store*

*cuts in line, pays for costume with sweaty dollar bills*

*jumps in F-150, peels out of parking lot at 60mph*

BRO_peelout

*gets home, slams two Bud Lights*

*slams a Four Loko to balance it out*

“WOOOOOO!”

*runs upstairs past awful bathroom smell, barely notices*

*tries on costume, feels more pride than at any point in entire life*

bro_costume

“WHUT WHUUUUT?! HELLZ YEAH BRO THIS IS DA TEEEE-ITS!”

*slams two more Bud Lights*

*takes Fireball shot*

“HEY BROS LET’S HEAD OUT!”

*nobody responds*

*walks two blocks over to friends’ house, screams at every group of trick-or-treaters he sees*

“WOOOOOO!”

*walks into friend’s house expecting…*

bro_ladies

*actually sees…*

bro_kids

“AWW FUCKIN’ WEAK BRO WHERE ARE THE SKANKS?!”

*is stared at awkwardly by kids, parents*

“HEY KIDS YOU GOT SOME HOT MOMS, BRO!”

*walks over to parents’ beer cooler, slams two Blue Moon Pumpkin Ales*

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT BRO HA HA HA THIS FUCKIN’ SUCKS!”

*tosses bottles over fence*

*grabs & slams another one anyway*

*walks into kitchen, slams three vodka shots, helps self to bag of Doritos from pantry*

*grabs crotch, starts thrusting costume toward mothers*

“I’vE G0t A ShOCkING SecREt To TElL yOU lADIes… COME GEt… COME GETSSHOCCKED!”

*completely ignored by mothers*

“HeRe I’Ll sTARt…”

*slips on beer cap, knocks over bottles on counter, flips on garbage disposal*

bro_bottle

*garbage disposal catches stray thread of costume, rips it in half*

*bro falls out of costume, exposing Madden 2014 boxer shorts*

*disposal becomes clogged with costume, motor catches fire*

*dad rushes in to extinguish fire, punches bro in face*

bro_punch

“BwUH! FUCKCin’ A BRo!!!”

*runs out of kids party, heads home*

*slams another Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale stuffed into waistband*

*bursts into house, calls for roommates in order to whine, get (more) drunk*

“HEY BROS! … BROS! … HELLO?!”

*finally notices awful smell coming from bathroom*

“THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL BRO…”

*opens bathroom door*

bro_blood1

bro_blood2

bro_blood3

bro_blood4

bro_skulls

“GAAAAAAHHHH SHIT BRO! OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!”

*admires self in mirror*

*sprays Axe around to kill the smell*

*sprays bit on self*

*turns around to call cops, take roommates’ xbox games*

bro_knife

bro_mouth

bro_head

bro_cemetary

 

 

  • A seasonal masterpiece/10.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      HAVE A PUMPKIN BEER ON ME BRO

      • Death

        Do you guys put pumpkin in everything when it’s Halloween?

        • Tyree

          I put a good dose of SATAN in everything when it’s Halloween.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Literally everything, yes.

        • Xan

          They’ve gotten ridiculous with the pumpkin spice in the fall. I will admit to loving a pumpkin spice latte from starbuttz but I try and limit my intake of pumpkin spice so I A) don’t weigh 500lbs and B) so I don’t get tired of it. Pumpkin spice bagels are pretty good though.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Hah, Starbuttz. lolbuttz

          • JWG

            I’m actually confused by PSL thanks to that YouTube video post I put up of John Oliver a few weeks back.

            The comment section is nearly at war over whether it’s “supposed” to taste like (a) pumpkins (but generally doesn’t) with spices or (b) just the spice you put on pumpkin pie, therefore not at all like pumpkins.

            I swear though, I`ve had both. And it depends where you get it from.

          • Xan

            I think it is supposed to emulate the taste of the spice you put in pumpkin pie. To me, pumpkin itself tastes like shit. It definitely reminds me more of pumpkin pie than pumpkin.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            The donuts are pretty good too

        • KJM

          For me, Pumpkin Pie is a Thanksgiving/Christmas thing. At least 1/2 the time the weather here is still too warm to have ovens going for more than an hour.

      • HELLS YEAH BRO CHEST BUMP IT OUT

        • GIVE ME CREEPY MAN HUG BRO, I HAVEN’T SHAVED IN WEEKS

          GL

          • Rebecca Blvck

            we we we so excited

          • FUN FUN FUN FUN LOOKING FORWARD TO DA WEAKHEND

          • KJM

            Beheaded on the front seat, disemboweled on the back seat
            Which seat will YOU take?

  • Tyree

    I am floored BRAH!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      THANKS BRO

  • Tyree

    “HEY KIDS YOU GOT SOME HOT MOMS, BRO!” >>>>>>>>>>

    • CyberneticOrganism

      MILFS LOVE WHEN YOU’RE GOOD WITH KIDS BRAH!

      • Tyree

        GIVES KID A BEER! “SLAM IT FUCKER!”

        • CyberneticOrganism

          MY DAD DID THIS TO ME AND I TURNED OUT FINE BRO, WOOOOO!!

          • Tyree

            SAME! HIGH FIVE FUCK FACE!

  • It really escalated at the end!

    Fine work

    GL

  • None of us have done anything remotely good enough to have this in our lives.

  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    Only 14 drinks for BDubs Bro that day? Weaksauce.

  • Guacamole Jim

    When he sprayed body spray on himself after seeing his roommates I lost it.

    • I totally missed the whole roommate foreshadowing bit.

      #stupidme

      GL

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Hey it’s right there, might as well

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    CYBO is to Bros what Will Graham is to serial killers…I worry about you, man…careful with this shit.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Don’t worry, Sarah Connor is my primary focus.

  • Rebecca Blvck

    “Friday Friday, Gotta get down on FRIDAY!”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SC6JmZ9LkLw

    • CyberneticOrganism

      NOOO… wait, okay yeah

    • YourLogicIsFlushed

      The 3 second where the name of the YouTube video wasn’t loading was terrifying

    • this really is.. your moment

  • How many lives does a bdubsbro typically have? Hopefully a lot because I love these posts!

    • YourLogicIsFlushed

      However many wings comes in a “Large” order of wings. So like 18-22?

    • Real Bdubs Bros never die. They just get cirrhosis.

      • And are subsequently transformed into foie brah.

        • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

          Dude, you made me get tea up my nose.

        • Pagliacci is Kvlt

          Now there’s a featured comment if I ever saw one.

        • Poseur Diposeur

          Literal lol

      • Mr.CustodialArts

        …or turn SUVs into flaming, metal coffins wrapped around trees.

      • Cock ov Steele

        Thus is the life of a perpetual.

      • KJM

        Behind every BDubs bro is a story that must be told, especially if it involves their horrific, gory demise.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      This is a different bro near a different BDubs. They are Legion. Get rid of one and an endless sea of more replenishes their numbers.

  • Seeing as there’s no definitive ending, i’m assuming it’s open to interpretation. Therefore, I will make the motion that the BDubs Bro’s roomates had an illuminating moment of self realization and then entered into a suicide pact.

    • I’m fairly certain that whoever murdered the roomates decapitated our lovable protagonist at the end.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      How would the third roommate skin his own head, then?

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I sure wouldn’t want to meet any of these people without a hypo full of rat poison but their antics sure do bring the funny. Nicely done Sir!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Takk

    • Xan

      I’ve started to carry a hypo of rat poison and itching powder everywhere I go. You never know when a BDubs bro might strike.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Just throw a warm can of beer in the woods, they’ll be looking for it for days.

  • Xan

    Why must I always be consuming liquid whilst reading these? I’ve got milk on myself (definitely not some other milky substance) now.

  • JWG

    It was only last year I could make my annual Halloween post of Screamin’ Jay Hawkins “I Put a Spell On You” on The Blog That Shall Not Be Named.

    This year TovH gets the honour instead, for obvious reasons.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orNpH6iyokI

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1AE_bCoPSI

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3S7a4Uj2yME

  • Keegan Lavern Still

    *Clicks on first three costume picture links*
    “Huh, I would’ve expected a more explicitly vulgar choice of costumes.”
    *Notices and clicks on final link*
    “…”
    *Logs off of library computer, gets up and leaves library, never to return.*

  • Xan

    All hail CROM:

  • Further Down the Metal Hole

    This series makes me want to check out this cultural phenomenon. I feel like we Europeans are missing out on the wonders of Bdubs!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      You… you cannot know what you are saying

  • The Battle Born NDN

    *reads awesome BDUBS bro story*
    *Says “Fuck yeah bro, SLUTZ AND BDUBS”*
    *Slams Monster Energy drink*
    *high fives*
    *Blasts Filter’s “Hey Man, Nice Shot”*

    haha good shit man

  • The Bdubs saga is unflushable!!

  • Poser Bro’s drive F150 that can’t roll coal. Poser bro again uses graphic of a DODGE DAKOTA. Fail Bro, fail.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Shitty trucks all look the same to me

  • Simon Phoenix

    That twist was top notch bro.

    Though I personally would’ve stuffed Four Loko cans into their mouthS for added effect.

    “YO WE TOTALLY GONNA GO OUT FUCKING HAMMERED AS SHIT, BRAH.”

  • Lord Ov Kapsko

    “GOTTA GET MY PROTEIN FOR BULK” – what ’bout them carbs mang?

  • Lord Ov Kapsko

    It’s helloweed, so I will treat you, my fellow flushers with a teasty treat:

    • CyberneticOrganism

      #beef

  • KJM

    This is a holiday legend right up there with “It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!” and the “Star Wars Christmas Special”!!

  • Poseur Diposeur

    I live in a college town (29,000 people, 19,000 of whom are college kids) and you really nail the Bro thing bro. That is to say you are ON IT BRAAAAHHH!!

  • George Clarke

    wild shit brother

  • crazytaco_12

    This…this is what I needed today hahaha. Happy Halloween to the dwellers ov the toilet!

  • W.

    What a twist!

  • Link D. LeonhⒶrt V.

    too long, came here for the memes and songs in the disqus 😀

  • i just got back on the grid and saw there was a new one of these, then i preceded to read it and cried laughing throughout, masterful