BDubs Bro Attends a Halloween Party

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*iPhone alarm playing DMB goes off at 2:30 PM*

*song repeats six times before being turned off*

*rolls out of bed with five-alarm Friday morning hangover*

*changes out of threadbare Ed Hardy basketball shorts with gaudy Asian tigers*

*changes into unwashed No Fear camo basketball shorts from laundry basket*

“DON’T KNOW WHY ED HARDY WENT OUTTA STYLE BRO, THAT WAS THE SHIT!”

*wanders downstairs past awful bathroom smell, barely notices*

*prepares breakfast/lunch of protein shake, Red Bull and Totino’s pizza rolls*

*yells at unknown roommate completely out of earshot*

“GOTTA GET MY PROTEIN FOR BULK, BRO! I NEVER ROCK THE GYM ON FRIDAYS THOUGH!”

*hasn’t rocked the gym in four years*

bro_gut

*finishes shitty breakfast/lunch watching Sportscenter at deafening volume*

*peeks out window at neighbors’ Halloween decorations*

“OOOOOOHHHH! FUCK YEAH COSTUME CONTEST TONIGHT, BRO, HA HA!”

*roommates still completely out of earshot*

*throws trash in sink already full of trash*

*slams Bud Light*

*jumps in F-150, peels out of neighborhood at 60mph*

*blasts new Slipknot album*

“FUCKIN’ CRAZY-ASS ALBUM COVER, BRO! DOESN’T GET HEAVIER THAN THIS!”

*pulls up to Spirit Halloween store, parks across four spaces*

bro_spirit

*walks in and rifles through discount costume bin looking for this, this or this*

*is unsuccessful*

“WHAT THE FUCK BRO I’VE ROCKED THOSE COSTUMES EVERY YEAR!”

*settles on this instead*

“HA HA HA BRO THIS IS A FUCKIN’ PUSSY MAGNET!”

*eagerly anticipates results of said pussy magnet*

*uses phone to look up porn in middle of store*

*cuts in line, pays for costume with sweaty dollar bills*

*jumps in F-150, peels out of parking lot at 60mph*

BRO_peelout

*gets home, slams two Bud Lights*

*slams a Four Loko to balance it out*

“WOOOOOO!”

*runs upstairs past awful bathroom smell, barely notices*

*tries on costume, feels more pride than at any point in entire life*

bro_costume

“WHUT WHUUUUT?! HELLZ YEAH BRO THIS IS DA TEEEE-ITS!”

*slams two more Bud Lights*

*takes Fireball shot*

“HEY BROS LET’S HEAD OUT!”

*nobody responds*

*walks two blocks over to friends’ house, screams at every group of trick-or-treaters he sees*

“WOOOOOO!”

*walks into friend’s house expecting…*

bro_ladies

*actually sees…*

bro_kids

“AWW FUCKIN’ WEAK BRO WHERE ARE THE SKANKS?!”

*is stared at awkwardly by kids, parents*

“HEY KIDS YOU GOT SOME HOT MOMS, BRO!”

*walks over to parents’ beer cooler, slams two Blue Moon Pumpkin Ales*

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT BRO HA HA HA THIS FUCKIN’ SUCKS!”

*tosses bottles over fence*

*grabs & slams another one anyway*

*walks into kitchen, slams three vodka shots, helps self to bag of Doritos from pantry*

*grabs crotch, starts thrusting costume toward mothers*

“I’vE G0t A ShOCkING SecREt To TElL yOU lADIes… COME GEt… COME GETSSHOCCKED!”

*completely ignored by mothers*

“HeRe I’Ll sTARt…”

*slips on beer cap, knocks over bottles on counter, flips on garbage disposal*

bro_bottle

*garbage disposal catches stray thread of costume, rips it in half*

*bro falls out of costume, exposing Madden 2014 boxer shorts*

*disposal becomes clogged with costume, motor catches fire*

*dad rushes in to extinguish fire, punches bro in face*

bro_punch

“BwUH! FUCKCin’ A BRo!!!”

*runs out of kids party, heads home*

*slams another Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale stuffed into waistband*

*bursts into house, calls for roommates in order to whine, get (more) drunk*

“HEY BROS! … BROS! … HELLO?!”

*finally notices awful smell coming from bathroom*

“THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL BRO…”

*opens bathroom door*

bro_blood1

bro_blood2

bro_blood3

bro_blood4

bro_skulls

“GAAAAAAHHHH SHIT BRO! OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!”

*admires self in mirror*

*sprays Axe around to kill the smell*

*sprays bit on self*

*turns around to call cops, take roommates’ xbox games*

bro_knife

bro_mouth

bro_head

bro_cemetary

 

 

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