Ban Bullet Belts

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Is that a gun in your pants or are you just a poser?

It’s time we had “the talk”. You’re an adult now, so it’s time to have frank and important discussions that will help make you a better person. Bullet belts are played out. They’re over. It’s time to retire bullet belts. Every Tom, Dick, and Goathammer Warfukkler has one. Throw ’em next to your Motley Crue dungaree jacket, your Defend Death Metal snapback, your Pantera sweatpants and your Rick and Morty Origin shirt. Time to straighten-up, fly right, and stop embarrassing your mother.

If you wear a bullet belt, you disrespect every band that’s ever made generic overtures supporting the military. Those men and women made mediocre songs that appeal to the lowest common denominator and I will not sit here and see you besmirch their star-spangled names. If you wear two bullet belts at the same time, I hope the tallest person in the venue stands directly in front of you and looks at their phone the entire time. Now give me 20 pushups write an essay on how a lot of war metal bands are problematic.

I’ll bet you don’t even know where bullet belts come from. Here’s a history lesson for you, jack. Bullet belts were created by the most gun-lovingest band in heavy metal history, BulletBoys. That’s right, the band that gave us “Smooth Up In Ya” and “THC Groove”. Each bullet on your belt represents one of their hot and patriotic licks written in honor of our freedom-loving forefathers. Go apologize to a bald eagle and kiss a bible wrapped in the flag.

You say you’ve had a bullet belt for years? Okay, grandma. Did you use it to churn butter too? Did you and your family gather around the fire and listen to the bullet belt before radio was invented? If you listened closely, you could actually hear it whispering “Neeeeeeerrrrrrrdddd!” Is it a family heirloom, passed from dork to dork? Your family tree must be covered in that saddest boring stories of seeing Lemmy at a bar in the 80’s.

Do you even know what type of gun those go with? No? You’re a bullet belt casual, pal. Tell me more about your Fortnite ranking. Regale us with tales of your jumpy-jumpy shotgun skillz. You’re only 1000 more livestream hours of breaking 20 subscribers. One day you’ll quit your job sitting in front of a computer all day and live your dreams of sitting in front of a different computer all day. You probably couldn’t even get past the first level of Aerosmith’s Revolution X.

Oh, so you do know what type of gun those bullets belong? What’s it like being Ted Nugent’s second guitar tech? How does it feel to have to hide your Guns & Ammo magazine underneath your mattress so your mom doesn’t find out and ask why the pages are stuck together? Everyone is really impressed with the “I Stand With The NRA” overlay you use on your Facebook profile picture. Fuck, you’re so big and strong and chinless. Now I see what your third ex-wife saw in you.

It’s time to move on from the bullet belt. Here are some ideas.

Seat Belt

The seat belt is comfortable, stylish, and safe. Your waist and your chest are protected at all times. The next time you’re in a Wall of Death, the 6’4 250lb hesher across the floor from you will think, “Dang, That is one safe metalhead! I will purchase them a non-alcholic beverage of their choice after the set to let them know that I appreciate their commitment to a good time for everyone!” Strap a child safety seat to your back for maximum safety and maximum trueness.

Vans Checkered Belt

Let’s face it, this has been lying at the bottom of your closet since high school. You might as well get some more use out of it. That’s just being fiscally responsible and what’s more metal than that. No need to waste money on a belt that won’t even be used to kill people in a far-off land. Plus, wearing it will give you an excuse to dust off those ska albums that you secretly still love. Make sure to bend at your knees when you pickitup pickitup pickitup off the floor.

Belt Sander

What’s more metal than heavy piece of machinery right by your crotch? You’ll be the pit king or queen as you violently thrust about to your favorite bands. Bonus points if the sander is still warm from use and singes your pubes. Someone messes with you? Belt sand ’em. Bored? Take it off and race ’em! Let’s be honest. You’re less likely to get stopped by authorities wearing this rather than a bullet belt.

A belt made out of band stickers

We’ve all got a pile of these lying around so we might as well put them to good use. You’ll never put them on anything anyway. Don’t want to devalue your Honda Civic or ruin the finish on your Office Depot desk. Stick, twist, and loop. Cheap, convenient, and a nice alternative to a lint roller.

The Rust Belt

The Rust Belt is a common name for Midwestern/Great Lakes region US states that used to produce steel and now just produce opiod addicts and disgusting meat-based regional foods like scrapple and Cincinnati chili. Many of these states voted for Trump, so the clearly like being used to prop up useless girth. Just wrap one around you and you’re good to go. What’s more American than wearing states that have been devastated by capitalistic greed, low wages, exploitation of workers, poor education, and virtually non-existent healthcare?

Rope belt

If all else fails, use a piece of rope. Great for climbing, tying things up, or whipping guys in the sack when they get fresh. It’s multi-functional! Think about that the next time you hear about a bullet belt with an accidental live round blowing off someone’s junk. You’ll be thankful for rope.

The Bulletbelt bullet belt

This is the ultimate in metal wear: a bullet belt made entirely out of the albums from the New Zealand band Bulletbelt. You sewed some patches on to a vest? Psh. Get on the new level, Drunk Steve. You’re not a real fan until you glue together a bunch of albums and embracing yourself with their pointy corners. It’s all the trueness of tattooing a band’s logo on to you body with the discomfort of wearing something jagged near your bathing suit area.


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