Athorn For Every Heart.
Videos that are over 8 minutes long. Don’t do it. Videos that have an extensive story. Don’t do it. Videos that cast the band as action stars. Don’t do it. Green screens in videos. Don’t do it. Using special effects in your video when you don’t have the budget to make them look good. Don’t do it. Why didn’t you listen, Athorn?
0:01: This video is almost 9 minutes long. Holy Heimdall, Batman!
0:07: If you touch Athorn, you get Aprick on your finger.
0:13: A meteor shower? But I didn’t even sweat today!
0:30: Oh, so we’re in Des Moines, Iowa?
0:38: No! Not the Pornhub satellite!
0:43: “Look! It’s Andre The Giant’s sperm!”
0:46: Not Seattle! Where else will we get our stupid 12s shirts and cargo shorts?
0:53: None were spared from the Sepiapocalypse.
0:58: Is that racist? It kind of feels racist.
1:07: “Well, first of all, it’s not a jacket. It’s a duster. It’s like a jacket only it’s longer, thicker, and far more bad-ass.”
1:19: Hey, no one told me Geoff Tate was in this band.
1:22: The heat waves really make me believe that Athorn is in a raging post-apocalyptic inferno.
1:25 It didn’t work for Firespawn and it’s not working for Athorn.
1:31: He is jerking Armageddon completed raw.
1:34: Sure everyone is dead and there’s no food or water, but he still has time to pain his nails.
1:37: Hey, Joel from accounting survived!
1:47. The world is on fire and this guy lights a match.
1:51: This guy has definitely read The Art Of Seduction
1:58: Still better than drinking Cel-Ray.
2:11: He’s going to give that to his mutant sweetie.
2:17: It’s science’s fault! Let’s kill science!
2:25: “Maybe I can pawn this for some sweet brass knux.”
2:36: The teddy bear was then put into the Witness Protection Program for its own safety.
2:39: Unnecessary tumble! Weeeeeeeee!
2:45: Y’know, you’d be able to run fasted if you didn’t have a giant duster creating wind resistance.
2:50: Granted, you wouldn’t look as cool. Tough call.
2:54. Steampunk Winston Churchill!
3:02: Joel is rocking the fuck out of those year-end reports.
3:03: If only that digital fire could burn off his chin merkin.
3:11: “Silent Lucidity, motherfucker!”
3:14: *HEADSH*-uh, I mean *NECKSHOT*
3:25: Nice to see Hot Topic is still open during Doomsday.
3:31: Is that sword digital? Really?
3:39: He learned all his sword moves from Youtube.
3:42: “I once ate a sandwich this big!”
3:51: The Never-Kissed-A-Girl Squad is ready for action!
4:07: I hope that dance move never, ever, ever becomes popular.
4:16: Shredding like he’s about to get kicked out of the mall by security.
4:27: Joel will have those tasty licks on your desk by 5 today!
4:41: Welcome to the Pleasure Dome.
4:45: Where…where did they get the world for that fire?
4:49: Maybe we’ll get a re-enactment of the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles.
4:58: Now to find a bush to hide behind for 2 1/2 minutes.
5:11: As clammy as the day she met him.
5:19: The end of the world is about to get funk-ay *bow-chicka-wow-wow*
5:26: Dude, you hugged her too hard! What the lump?!
5:32: Oh, hey Kratos.
5:46: That’s real solid battle plan you guys have there.
5:54: It he finds a heart container from Zelda, all is forgiven.
6:07: A box of pharmacy-grade chocolate to appease the gods.
6:15: Um. What?
6:22: They were skeletons this whole time! I knew it!
6:43: I’m really trying to piece this all together in my head and it’s giving me a migraine.
6:56. Oh, wow. 2 minutes of credits.
7:47: Vicky doesn’t get a last name?
8:30: Athorn will return in “Another Day In Hell 2: Heck To The Future”
Athorn’s album Necroplois is out now via Dr. Music Records.