All the Metal News of Tomorrow, Today!

By the time you read this, I will be on vacation and taking a well deserved break from all you monsters unnecessary internet usage. However, editor in chief Joe Thrashnkill has cracked the whip and mandated that I must use my Nostradamus powers to cover any potential metal headlines that will crop up while I’m gone, and although I distinctly remember Hot Dad calling writing blog articles slavery, I must comply. So here they are, all of the big metal stories that will happen this week while I’m on vacation.

1. Escaped convict and former metalcore vocalist Tim Lambesis burns down GNC Headquarters in Pittsburgh.

2. Corey Taylor successfully crowdfunds surgical procedure to have fedora skin-grafted to scalp.

3. Mgła announced as the first act for newly relaunched MTV Unplugged series, plan Unmasked tour to follow.


4. Iron Bonehead signs obscure South American war metal band, announces re-release of collected demos.

5. Red wine sales up since Dimebash, The Economist reports.


6. Death Metal band Dischordia loses van in engine fire, tames Sandworm and rides domesticated Maker to final tour dates.

7. Alex Jones, creator of Info Wars, ousted by Matt Pike of High on Fire as reptilian shill, Snopes reports.

8. Bernie Sanders revealed to be Zack de la Rocha in elaborate cosplay.

9. Famed Sunn O))) guitarist Stephen O’Malley discovers additional strings on his instrument, writes progressive rock album.

10. FBI Director James Comey clears Rings of Saturn of all charges in tape-accelerating scandal.


11. Mnemic announces reunion show in Alberta basement.

12. Department of Justice investigation discovers Colin Marston is secret Japanese intelligence program, recommends dismantling and submerging in Mariana Trench.

13. Earache Records ejects entire roster, changes name to Blackberry Smoke.

14. US Power Metal Connection Facebook group launches petition to make “dragonkin” an optional selection for gender on college admissions applications.

15. Slayer announces new residency at Hard Rock Hotel & Casino, Las Vegas.


16. Apple unveils new record label, announces exclusive Nine Inch Nails distribution.

17. Racetraitor reforms in the wake of surprise Fall Out Boy disband, announces new album Tumblerina.

18. Michael Keene, frontman of The Faceless, announces new vape juice line, introduces first flavor: Orchard Dawkins.


19. Necrophagist and Tool unveil collaborative score to Half Life 3.

20. Smash Mouth frontman Steve Harwell unveils new death metal side project Shrektopsy, debuts first single “Breadthrower” via Metal Hammer.

21. Actual blood glacier discovered in Iceland, hypothesized as source of black metal scene’s power.

22. Brent Hinds and Danzig both hospitalized after fight outside Church’s Chicken.


23. Black metal band Goatgotha files injunction with California Supreme Court to suppress online criticism of latest demo.

24. Dave Mustaine announces Jason Newsted as new bassist following departure of Dave Ellefson, declares, “This time it’s personal.”

25. New Rob Liefeld cover art for Ghost’s fourth album Larvae Scooby Doo et XIII unveiled.

26. Dragged Into Sunlight announce short West Coast headlining tour where they will face the crowd.

27. Robb Flynn sets new world record for performing entire concert without dropping one “F-bomb.”

28. Archaeologists discover new chamber in Chuck Schuldiner’s tomb containing remains of 666 mummified cats, new study in Nature reveals.


29. Final episode of Metalocalypse airs on Hulu, reveals entire series was a dream, is universally panned by critics.

30. Metallica’s White Album leaks onto torrent sites, Lars Ulrich sues Google.

  • Lacertilian

    Can confirm #4.

  • Mother Shabubu

    Slayer announces new residency at Hard Rock Hotel & Casino, Las Vegas.

    Why is it I can see Slayer, or Metallica actually doing this?

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    How are the sales of Jew Wine doing?

    • “White wine, white wine, it’s better than jew wine, white wine, white wine, don’t give me none of that jew wine.” – Dave Grohl

  • Dubs, can you buy me a plane ticket to Alberta? I want to meet Guacamole Jim, huehuehuehue.

    • tertius_decimus

      Demand the flight by Etihad. Some say, 1st class ticket costs $46000.

  • *marinara trench

  • I’m not really even sure why yall think we’re obsessed with dragons

  • Waynecro

    “Necrophagist and Tool unveil collaborative score to Half Life 3” = genius. Enjoy your vacation, Dubs!

    • Maik Beninton™

      A few days ago I was thinking, it’s been years since Valve released a new game.
      That’s scary for anyone who is (still) waiting for HL3.

      • Waynecro

        Dude, what if Valve does a Half Life VR game for the HTC Vive?

        • Maik Beninton™

          That’s a way to escape the number 3.
          Half Life: VR

          • Eating Frisbees In Pyongyang

            Dear lawdy, it’s Street Fighter all over again! They had how many versions out between SF2 and SF3?

      • tigeraid

        I miss that world. 🙁

    • Eliza

      If that was true, I’d actually look up what Half Life exactly is.

    • tertius_decimus

      Year 2047. Half Life 3 is being painstakingly released, gets splendid reviews all around the Earth and Mars. Muhammed Sucimes announces the delay of his third full-length album.


      • Eating Frisbees In Pyongyang

        As Wintersun sets up their 25th crowdfunding campaign, after the last 24 only raise $30 total. The demands list for “Time 2” will include: Nicolas Cage’s dinosaur bones, the glacier that sunk the Titanic, a three horned unicorn, a brick stretcher, dodo placentas, and a bag full of Cleopatra’s toenail clippings. Oh, and sugar cookies, with Cambodian breast milk, or he’s shutting down the imaginary studio Puff Daddy style.

        • tertius_decimus

          Please, don’t tell Jari about reel-to-reel deck recorders, he’s broke already and has no job.

  • Abradolf Lincler

    14. US Power Metal Connection Facebook group launches petition to make “dragonkin” an optional selection for gender on college admissions applications.

    this one is hilarious, and surprising from a self-proclaimed SJW blog

    • Abradolf Lincler

      i didnt mean to offend anyone here who identifies as a dragonkin pansexual, or whatever, either 😉

      • racist

        • Abradolf Lincler

          Just don’t call me late for dinner

  • Dagon

    Imagine the look on O’Malley’s face when he sees all those strings.

  • Nostradamus, is Judas Priests best song.



    • Señor Jefe El Rosa


  • Eliza

    I think it’d be pretty entertaining to watch a fight between Brent Hinds and Danzig.

    • Eating Frisbees In Pyongyang

      From what I’ve read, Hinds is a madman when he fights. Watching videos of Danzig getting punched, and reading about how he got his ass whipped by Vivian Campbell………… yeah, Hinds has that one in the bag.

  • “1. Escaped convict and former metalcore vocalist Tim Lambesis burns down GNC Headquarters in Pittsburgh. :


    • Abradolf Lincler

      to be fair, i dont think GNC has what tim lambesis is on

      . . . maybe thats why he’ll burn it down

      • Eating Frisbees In Pyongyang

        With help from Eric and Brian Hoffman.

  • Some of these are like “where’s the lie tho?”

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    And Periphery still sucks!

    • tertius_decimus

      Gimme the paper where we can sign this!

    • Joaquin Stick


  • Eating Frisbees In Pyongyang

    Phil Anselmo releases a cover of UB40’s ‘Red Red Wine’ with updated lyrics: “White white wine, you make me feel so fine, you keep me sig heiling all of the time”.

  • Eating Frisbees In Pyongyang

    Airport workers will mistake Red Hot Chili Peppers for Metallica, and hand them a bunch of Metallica merch to sign. (note: apparently this just happened

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    I hereby agree thusly and in agreement:

    Name: ________________________

    Date: ______________________

  • CyberneticOrganism
  • “8. Bernie Sanders revealed to be Zack de la Rocha in elaborate cosplay.”

  • Hans Müller

    Dude, I need to know which Alberta basement.
    Also, is that an up- or downgrade from Abandoned Factory?

    • tertius_decimus

      Oh, haven’t listened this band for ages!

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    I don’t know which made me laugh more, 6 or 25.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Y u torment my love of Ghost?

  • Kyle Reese

    Las Vegas casino residency – excellent idea.

  • Xinen

    Got some genuine giggles out of me at 3 & 10. Well done, I enjoyed the fotos too.