By the time you read this, I will be on vacation and taking a well deserved break from all you monsters unnecessary internet usage. However, editor in chief Joe Thrashnkill has cracked the whip and mandated that I must use my Nostradamus powers to cover any potential metal headlines that will crop up while I’m gone, and although I distinctly remember Hot Dad calling writing blog articles slavery, I must comply. So here they are, all of the big metal stories that will happen this week while I’m on vacation.
1. Escaped convict and former metalcore vocalist Tim Lambesis burns down GNC Headquarters in Pittsburgh.
2. Corey Taylor successfully crowdfunds surgical procedure to have fedora skin-grafted to scalp.
3. Mgła announced as the first act for newly relaunched MTV Unplugged series, plan Unmasked tour to follow.
4. Iron Bonehead signs obscure South American war metal band, announces re-release of collected demos.
5. Red wine sales up since Dimebash, The Economist reports.
6. Death Metal band Dischordia loses van in engine fire, tames Sandworm and rides domesticated Maker to final tour dates.
7. Alex Jones, creator of Info Wars, ousted by Matt Pike of High on Fire as reptilian shill, Snopes reports.
8. Bernie Sanders revealed to be Zack de la Rocha in elaborate cosplay.
9. Famed Sunn O))) guitarist Stephen O’Malley discovers additional strings on his instrument, writes progressive rock album.
10. FBI Director James Comey clears Rings of Saturn of all charges in tape-accelerating scandal.
11. Mnemic announces reunion show in Alberta basement.
12. Department of Justice investigation discovers Colin Marston is secret Japanese intelligence program, recommends dismantling and submerging in Mariana Trench.
13. Earache Records ejects entire roster, changes name to Blackberry Smoke.
14. US Power Metal Connection Facebook group launches change.org petition to make “dragonkin” an optional selection for gender on college admissions applications.
15. Slayer announces new residency at Hard Rock Hotel & Casino, Las Vegas.
16. Apple unveils new record label, announces exclusive Nine Inch Nails distribution.
17. Racetraitor reforms in the wake of surprise Fall Out Boy disband, announces new album Tumblerina.
18. Michael Keene, frontman of The Faceless, announces new vape juice line, introduces first flavor: Orchard Dawkins.
19. Necrophagist and Tool unveil collaborative score to Half Life 3.
20. Smash Mouth frontman Steve Harwell unveils new death metal side project Shrektopsy, debuts first single “Breadthrower” via Metal Hammer.
21. Actual blood glacier discovered in Iceland, hypothesized as source of black metal scene’s power.
22. Brent Hinds and Danzig both hospitalized after fight outside Church’s Chicken.
23. Black metal band Goatgotha files injunction with California Supreme Court to suppress online criticism of latest demo.
24. Dave Mustaine announces Jason Newsted as new bassist following departure of Dave Ellefson, declares, “This time it’s personal.”
25. New Rob Liefeld cover art for Ghost’s fourth album Larvae Scooby Doo et XIII unveiled.
26. Dragged Into Sunlight announce short West Coast headlining tour where they will face the crowd.
27. Robb Flynn sets new world record for performing entire concert without dropping one “F-bomb.”
28. Archaeologists discover new chamber in Chuck Schuldiner’s tomb containing remains of 666 mummified cats, new study in Nature reveals.
29. Final episode of Metalocalypse airs on Hulu, reveals entire series was a dream, is universally panned by critics.
30. Metallica’s White Album leaks onto torrent sites, Lars Ulrich sues Google.