All I want for Christmas is TRVE: Combating Christmas music No. 2

1996
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I’m real sick, guys. Joe and W. are convinced that it’s because I ate that gourmet cheese ball like an apple in one sitting, but I know the truth: that they are dorks and it makes me physically ill to hear Christmas music before Thanksgiving or ever. It’s my body giving up on life. If only it were a smoother transition I would dive willing and headfirst into the Void, where nothing is, was, will be, or can be (most particularly the fucking travesty of sound that is “Jingle Bell Rock”). If anyone has been worrying about what sort of gift to get me this year, grant me the boon of a swift and painless death and by so doing liberate me from the agonizing pangs of seasonal music. Maybe you can all go in together on it.

Shitty covers of the same five or six shitty traditional songs are being recorded at shittingly alarming rates, and dancing, singing snowman dolls are being mass-produced and purchased faster than I can infiltrate homes and destroy them. The sounds that vomit forth from those blasted toys and pretty much anything else with speakers during this time of year are unacceptable and offensive, their aural insult unmatched. I’d rather sit on Topher Grace’s spandexed lap and let him recite his Spider-Man 3 lines directly into my ear canal. Luckily for us, where there is light, there must be shadow. Not in that ancient Chinese bullshit “yin and yang” way where two forces compliment one another, but in a different, totally metal way where one of them crushes the other one into nothingness. Our crushing utensil? The hellhammer ov wintry Black Metal. May it fall upon the troublesome head of Christmas music with lethal force, as well as any dissenting ghostly (com)posers who may be presently haunting this toilet bowl.

Darkthrone’s “unholy trinity” of early albums are well-known to be effective weapons for the slaying of joy, but when their blades are dulled by the repeated cutting of merry throats, where do you turn? That wasn’t rhetorical; I actually want to know where you turn. Such is the purpose of Combating Christmas music. I share wintry recommendations, you share wintry recommendations, we destroy Christmas.

 

I: MOONBLOOD — BLUT UND KRIEG

B&K

A low, pale fullmoon spotlights the aftermath of a midnight battle, lending its glow to the ice and igniting luminous, red pools of blood. Flames that hours earlier beat high into the northern sky smolder and die with the last survivors, whose wounds give their lifeblood to the thirsty snow. Repose sets in on a battlefield strewn with corpses as stiff and cold as the bloodied steel around them, and snow covers the lifeless bodies.

If you were to take that scene, somehow translate it to music, then record it with a Motorola Razr, you’d get something that sounds similar to Moonblood’s Blut und Krieg. Released in ’96 and buried under a mountain of rare rehearsal tapes that either no longer exist or exist in a smelly basement nerd’s smelly basement closet (though unfortunately not my own), its status as a black metal classic is oft debated. While 1996 may be a little late to be considered a pioneering force, a majority of the songs were written and recorded first on those rehearsal demos in ’94 and ’95, and at its best, the mid-paced, synth-driven ambiance is every bit as darkly moody and dramatic as Det som en gang var.

Fullmoon, cold and merciless
Take my soul

Moonblood Blut und Krieg | 1996 | Facebvvk

 

II: ASTROFAES — THE EYES OF THE BEAST

As

This may be of particular interest to those of you who enjoy the legendary Drudkh or the most recent album from the throat-singing darlings of the Toilet, Blood of KinguAstrofaes is a lesser-known project of Roman Blagih (or “Thurios“), though it preceded his other work by many years. Eyes of the Beast is proof that Thurios had a prodigious knack for melody and atmosphere before Drudkh ever got together, and that his reverent admiration for nature long predates Forgotten Legends. To him, Winter is the majesty of the frozen lake, the icy squall, the ashen oak, the black stone, the raven, the wolf. Not fucking plastic garlands.

Hands of the cold ride a fast horse.
The storm, the sun is in black waters.
The lake? Its breast of mine. It is dead.
Above the forest sea the winter rises.

Astrofaes — The Eyes of the Beast | 2000

 

III: DIABOLICAL MASQUERADE — RAVENDUSK IN MY HEART

DM

Long before becoming better-known for his work in Bloodbath and Katatonia, Anders Nyström (or “Blakkheim“) was solely responsible for writing some of the most interesting and underrated black metal of the mid-90’s in his terribly-named solo vehicle, Diabolical Masquerade. With a little help from everyone’s favorite guest/session musician Dan Swanö, he created a black metal masterwork in Ravendusk in My Heart. Cold, dark, and downright wicked, Ravendusk… bleeds Winter’s cruel grandeur, its befouled nobility. Chilling, Emperor-like synths drive these constantly shifting songs into shadowy, mystical winterrealms where Now That’s What I Call Christmas! cannot fucking exist.

Somewhere beyond the Frozen Moors in the Highest North
Where only the falling snow from the sky managed to enter
A Kingdom forever deserted since its birth
Forgotten in the extremest of storms and cold
A landscape in Ancient Sleep of Deathlike Silence
Yet breathing in the Growing Wastelands of Frost

Diabolical Masquerade — Ravendusk in My Heart | 1996

 

IV: SORCIER DES GLACES — THE PURESSENCE OF PRIMITIVE FORESTS
V: SORCIER DES GLACES — RITUAL OF THE END

dd
Sorcier des Glaces is French for Wizard of Ices. That should be enough to sell you on this shit right now. The Puressence of Primitive Forests and this year’s Ritual of the End will freeze your blood in its veins. To this group of Canadians, wintertime is Nature’s expression of hatred for all life, and they share her sentiment. And can you blame her? Mankind is life, and mankind created the fucking Carpenters Christmas Portrait (don’t click that).

Into the realm of winter
I became the one who defies infinity
An immortal soul damned by hate for Everything
That is human inside

Sorcier des Glaces — The Puressence of Primitive Forests | 2011 | Facebvvk

The frozen sword of midnight
The strongest, the coldest
We are all lost now
Awaiting the total darkness over the earth

Sorcier des Glaces — Ritual of the End | 2014 | Facebvvk

 

Do you think it was the cheese ball? What do you recommend for people that want to destroy joy this holiday season? Do you actually like Christmas music? If so, what do you think might be wrong with you? 

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
    • King God of Holy Mountain

      I have a Vlad Tepes patch from a grab bag special online a year ago. Didnt know until know it was a Vlad Tepes patch.

      #lifeloverfacts.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Hail the void.

  • Paris Hilton

    Black Metal and black coffee is such an excellent way to kick off a day! Anybody know anybody who thinks they can actually cast spells, btw? I need their services for…. reasons…

    • BLVCKBEVRD’S FLESH WOVND
    • TrickleDownTacoRiff

      now that sounds kick ass especially on a day you can see your breath when outdoors in the void.

      • Paris Hilton

        I spend most winter mornings with black metal and black coffee. It fits the bitter cold of the outdoors and the even more bitter cold of my heart.

        • TrickleDownTacoRiff

          i shall begin this ritual post haste

          • Paris Hilton

            It’s such a great ritual! Bewarned though, you know what they say about going black….

          • TrickleDownTacoRiff

            yes I hear returning is not an option….so be it…bring on the coffee.

          • Stockhausen

            I turned to the void a few years ago and started drinking black coffee. It’s the best, in a grim, void-y sense.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            nuff said…in the morn i shall return with a steaming urn of black metal void roasted goodness

        • Xan

          I’ve started the ritual of filling the thermos with coffee (because I’m a lifelover I use cream) and donning my Death or Emperor beanie and go to history. We’re covering the Black Death right now. It’s pretty metal.

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      I used to work with a witch. Into spells, skyclad ceremonies, the whole shebang. Nice lady, took herself a little too seriously though.

      • BLVCKBEVRD’S FLESH WOVND

        As a self-respecting nerd and player of dungeons and dragons, I hate “witches” and the whole subset of “vampires” “wolves” and other fakery (edit: almost as bad as christians)

      • Paris Hilton

        lol sounds like a nerd

    • old_man_doom

      I started today with some Altar of Plagues and tea. Does that count or am I still a fvcking lifelover?

  • Let it be known that TovH has officially declared war on Christmas.

      • Xan

        Nor is his lesser know cousin, Mouse Walks.

      • CT-12

        Sucks this dude is such a wacko, probably my favorite Overkill drummer in their history

    • King God of Holy Mountain

      “Sorry Jesus 🙁 we are canceling your party this year…”

    • BLVCKBEVRD’S FLESH WOVND

      I celebrate Yule and the Winter Solstice. Much much more kvlt. And you can pretty much do all the same stuff except not christian.

    • Pagliacci’s Nordling EdPants

      I think Fox News has a trademark on that.

      • King God of Holy Mountain

        “UN says its pulling out…” *giggles*

        • Spear

          NEVER PULL OUT

      • Like Fox hasn’t had a war on atheism and Islam since, well, ever.

    • Happy Hannukah everyone!

    • Paris Hilton

      I will have to be a double agent. Sorry to my TOH brethern but there’s just no FUCKING WAY I’m not going to be getting day drunk on rum and egg nogs for a week straight.

      • BLVCKBEVRD’S FLESH WOVND

        We need to have a mailorder eggnog competition for TOH

        • Paris Hilton

          We talkin straight EN or Rum, egg nog, and nutmeg?

          • BLVCKBEVRD’S FLESH WOVND

            Either, I have plenty of rum.

          • Paris Hilton

            Then let’s bring it on!

          • The Prophet Mohammed

            Here’s what I do. I take one dozen egg yolks and mix with 2 cups of sugar. When it’s nice and smooth, I then add 1 quart (4 cups) of milk, 3/4 cup of

        • Metaphysical Edward

          Eggnog >>>>>>>>>>

        • The Prophet Mohammed

          I actually started making eggnog last year as tradition. Nobody should enter. I will destroy all!

      • VV.

        We would never ask you to give that up!

        • Paris Hilton

          Only a true sadist would! Besides, who can REALLY stand being around their families unless they’re half-cut? I’ll tell ya who. Nobody.

          • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

            Over the years I’ve heard a lot of grand talk about this ‘nobody’. It seems I’m the only one who doesn’t know him, so what I’m asking is: Would you care to introduce me to this superhuman being?

          • Paris Hilton

            Introduce you to this being!? For fuck’s sake! I’ve been dating him for years!

          • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

            Crap! I was hoping (s)he wasn’t taken.

          • VV.

            I like to cut my egg nog with a little kahlua. I even have a special mug for the occasion.

          • Paris Hilton

            During this holiday season I’ll drink my coffee with kahlua for a nice little morning buzz. I barely drink the rest of the year but Christmas I go hard!

    • Tyreeeeeeeal

      Christmas is for cvnting lifelovers. Keep it Void yinz.

    • TovH is just like Obama’s gay liberal atheist agenda!!!
      BTW, anybody who wants a good laugh, check out the movie Last Ounce of Courage.

    • Elite Extremöphile

      But what about metal christmas sweaters?

      • It’s always a massive cash grab by bands that are already massive cash grabbers. Until I can get a Hatred Surge xmas sweater, I’m against ’em.

      • nbm02ss

        Very few of them are actual xmas sweaters, anyways.

    • Count_Breznak
    • CyberneticOrganism

      ICY SHOTS FIRED

    • Gvrp

      Fear us, Fox News.

    • George Clarke

      heres some skramz for ur xmas

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mahS6DCwy_U

    • Xan

      We shall blast Frosty into a pile of tattered remains. That shifty bastard is too damn jolly for my tastes. He knows he’s going to die and still sings and dances around like an asshole.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan is #teamedw

      There’s a war on Christmas!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-e-w0ScVcSM

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      Let it be known that I will lead the resistence

  • King God of Holy Mountain

    Don’t act like trans Siberian orchestra isn’t the one acceptable excuse to listen to Christmas music bitches. That shit is tight.

    Also anyone else remember when diabolical masquerade pulled an old man gloom and released an album saying it was the soundtrack for an upcoming film ( that turned out there was never any such film in development)?

    • YourLogicIsFlushed

      “Pulling an Old Man Gloom” is my new favorite idiom

  • I lol’ed at the titles of the Diabolical Masquerade titles songs: “Blackheim’s [insert darkness666stuffhere]”, f.e. “Blackheim’s searrch forr a good cheeseburrgerr”. I’m listening this, and it got nice riffs, you’re right, Masterlord 🙂 good sound there, you can’t go wrong with mr. Swäno
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbanOhzIIB4&list=PLDghf7rZ8r4ZV2XsyKEdfbcCx4oIywHUw

  • Tyreeeeeeeal
    • Metaphysical Edward

      When keepin’ it Tyreeeeeeeal goes wrong.

      • Tyreeeeeeeal

        I’m trying to keep up with your name changing antics.

        • this is so confusing!

          • Metaphysical Edward

            I’m always Edward something with the creepy Gyllenhahl face, have no fear Link!

          • no, you’re a good fella.. I mean the others… Confusing people around the toilet.

          • BLVCKBEVRD’S FLESH WOVND

            #VoidPuzzles

          • Apep

            Is Edward actually Gyllenhahl?

          • Is Apep actually Death?

          • Apep

            Is Link Leonhart actually Zelda?

          • oh, my.. not again! 🙁

          • Metaphysical Edward

            That would be something, to have created a whole Facebook profile with this fake dude Edward on there and also write about metal for this site, lol.

          • Apep

            McNulty, we have a case for you!

          • Metaphysical Edward

            Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. FUCK. Fuck fuck fuck, fuck. Fuuuuuuuuck.

          • Dennis the Peasant

            Don’t worry, he’s probably too drunk to solve it.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          I honestly forgot who a quarter of the people here are now, due to all the name changes.

        • Metaphysical Edward

          Community ist kvlt.

      • Are you devoting yourself to a different commenter each day?

        • Metaphysical Edward

          I’ve done three this week, got something in the works for Monday, too.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      This is excellent.

      • Tyreeeeeeeal

        Indeed, I found them while browsing through Terratur Possessions website.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Fuck yeah Terratur.

  • Apep

    While I love winter, I hate christmas. Worst holiday ever.

    • TrickleDownTacoRiff

      its the humanity, the horde that drives me nuts…

    • Christmas is the holiday I hate the most. It’s great when you’re young, but eventually you realize that it’s just a way for businesses to guilt you into buying a bunch of shit.

  • You’re just making up bands now.

    • King God of Holy Mountain

      pssssh you have never heard of aliilka-mastabolical warchief666? Poser.

      • Didn’t they do a 3-way cassette split with Blasphemous Hrunting and Thy Vehement Warstench limited to 10 copies?

        • King God of Holy Mountain

          yeah! the one recorded with the fisherprice microphone (ages 1 and up)

        • Pagliacci’s Nordling EdPants

          Yeah, and Christian owns nine of them. Tyree has the 10th.

          • Stockhausen

            KSoFM picked up the 11th out of 10 copies.

    • Paracoccidioidomicosisproctitissarcomucosis!!!!!

      (I double dog dare you to google it)

  • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

    Moonblood really sounds like a more energized version of Hviss lyset tar oss.
    I dig it.

  • Tyreeeeeeeal

    Sorcier des Glaces is fucking sick dude!

    • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

      They really blast like a snowstorm and cut sharper than a -50°C mornin’

  • TrickleDownTacoRiff

    Anti Christmas music is awesome…I love this and appreciate the assistance.

  • VV.

    We’re going to incur the wrath of Mr. O’Reilly for these posts!

    http://www.robotvsbadger.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/Bill-O-Reilly-Flips-Out.jpg

    • King God of Holy Mountain

      oh oh oh oreillyyyyy, O’reilly! Auto parts!

      • VV.

        Holy crap. They have O’reilly where y’all are?

        • They have them everywhere!

        • King God of Holy Mountain

          Sure do! had to get a new battery the other day because the one in my car crapped out on me.

  • Apep

    Unrelated, but I finally pulled me head out of me arse and listened to The Killing Gods. I luv it.

  • Tyreeeeeeeal
  • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

    I love Mariah Carey’s christmas album(s)
    It was definitely NOT the cheese ball
    And Beautality disperses the spirits of cristmas effectively
    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rZyZzsIV99g

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Sometimes Christmas music is pretty awesome https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tTHn2tHhcI

  • And for those who wanna play the Stinky Poo game………

    http://www.boredinc.net/stinkypoogame/index.html

  • Completely unrelated, but this shit is hilarious: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpLjdrZFtkY

    • I was just watching this earlier! haha.

      • I lost it when things started exploding.

        • CT-12

          That firetruck showed up right on time haha!

    • Elite Extremöphile

      The AI in this game is too fantastic to describe.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan is #teamedw

      Michael Bay Presents: A Traffic Jam

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    combat the media—-

    the stupid morning “talk” shows are saying the media has called for a dress code–in covering the “royal” family visit to america–
    personally i dont have a problem with the royals—but the media are shiteaters who censored open discussion of 911—-and then want to act like they have “authority” to enforce standards–about shit

    piss on those motherfuckers—-fight the media—

    online 911 truth war against the hyporcritical liars—>media

    if they say “yes”—then tell them “no”—–anywhere and everywhere

    media did 911—stop them with world non cooperation–

    murderers –liars—hypocrites—self righteous —hypocrites—-sub humans spiilling words of meaningless hate and drivel

    911 truth movement overthrows the media for all time—without a shot

    fuck those motherfuckers

    • BLVCKBEVRD’S FLESH WOVND

      only a true poet can make dashes so hypnotic

  • FeelTheDarkness

    This is THE only xmas song that needs to be played ever,
    On a loop

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Y5GtaTrPHM

  • Mr. Bojangles Team FapALot

    This is how I ruin Christmas.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxm0JTQKQFo

    • King God of Holy Mountain

      TELL ME WHY THE GAMES AFOOT!

    • BLVCKBEVRD’S FLESH WOVND

      Cats >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
      Mr. Tinkles >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

  • Brock Samson

    I like to think I know a lot of bands, but this site always makes me feel otherwise

  • Brock Samson

    Bethlehem with Rainer Landfermann doing the vocals is my pick for killing christmas Joy

    http://youtu.be/kqUrP2J58Rw

  • Nordling Rites ov Steele

    It’s nice and cloudy today, I was deriving along the highway to this song, it fit for some reason. It is now my winter song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63km2fP8Ypg

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Aww yes, gonna bookmark this page for snow listening

    • Stockhausen

      Cuddle up on the couch next to the fireplace with your hot cocoa, best gal, UND KRIEG.

      Edit: should read “best Gaahl”

      • CyberneticOrganism



        .. …
        .
        ..
        … Satan.

  • The Dreaded Laramie

    All I want for Christmas is a dad-sized locker.

  • Spear

    The only Christmas song that matters:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7Qe3FXn1yU

  • Stockhausen

    I don’t care what you void dwellers say, I embrace the junk out of life for the month of December. You can’t say this isn’t a fun thrash tune.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3JfYL7PIlg

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      #christmasasf

  • Scrimm
  • J.R.

    The only christmas songs I’ve found myself enjoying are “We three kings” and “O come O come Emmanuel”. I promise I am still trvu please dont hate me Toilet