All I Want for Christmas is DOOM

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Welcome, Toilet readers, to my list of Christmas (or Hanukkah) gifts for metal fans or family members you want to weird out. It’s hard to shop for us, sometimes. We’re picky. Sure, an iTunes gift card is easy, and we’ll probably use it to actually support musicians now that the Pirate Bay is down, but giving someone a gift card for Christmas (or Hanukkah) is shitty and boring. It’s like saying “I couldn’t be bothered to figure out what you like, so here’s $20 to spend at Hot Topic, or Applebees you fat stupid fuck”.

Anyway, here are some other ideas.


metalformen

Astbury Fragrances Metal For Men
$57.99

Ladies, are you tired of your man smelling like absolute shit? Would you like him to smell like absolute shit that has the vague scent of leather, sweat, and a high end golf course? Well have I got the gift for you! KK Downing has released his very own cologne, and it must be pretty damn popular because the website it’s supposedly being sold on can’t even find the product. So either KK is trolling us, or there’s gonna be a lot of old men wearing his smell this New Years. You can try your luck here on Planet Rock’s website.


testamentnativesongnyrock_638A Share of Testament’s “Native Blood”
$15 – $100

Is there someone in your life that you absolutely can’t stand? Do you want them to feel like a complete jackass? Well have I got the gift for you! Testament is selling “shares” of their song, “Native Blood”, on the New York Rock Exchange. With this purchase, you get a certificate with your name on it, and the chance to sound like a giant douche when Native Blood comes on the satellite radio (does anyone actually pay for Sirius XM??) and you say “THAT’S MY SONG!”
Disclaimer: This is not an investment offering.  Buying a share DOES make you an owner of the song, but your ownership is limited and does not include a financial stake in the music. 


maidendress

Iron Maiden Dress
$39.00

Okay, real talk. We’re tired of you bringing your girlfriend out to shows. She complains about the noise, sulks at the bar, and generally makes a nuisance of herself while we’re trying to get you drunk. We all know you need to get laid, so we’ll forgive you for picking such an irritating cunt if you at least have the decency to dress her in something appropriate. Buy that bitch an Iron Maiden dress, so she can feel like she’s one of the guys! Make sure you tell her that Maiden is totally cool and that liking Maiden is something that a basic bitch wouldn’t do. Hopefully she’ll get the message. If not, you can put it on your creepy lifelike sex doll.


kingwallclockKing Diamond Wall Clock
$46.63

Do you have a friend who’s always late? You know, that guy who says he’ll meet you outside of the venue because he’s got the tickets and you need him to go inside, so he shows up an hour late and you wind up in the very back of the club with all the scrubs? Of course you do. We all do. Shame the shit out of that asshole and buy him a clock. The King’s judgmental glare may not encourage him to be on time, but it will at least remind him of what an asshole everyone thinks he is.


dioozzyDio > Ozzy Framed
$15.00

Have you ever had an argument with a friend about Dio’s superior vocals as opposed to Ozzy’s nasal whining old-man drone? Well settle that score in a single stroke with this decorative reminder that Dio was one of the best things to happen to Black Sabbath after Ozzy fell headfirst into a pile of cocaine and Sharon’s web of lies.


Post links to what you want for Christmas (or Hanukkah) in the comments. Maybe someone will be nice and buy it for your broke ass.

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  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    You have no idea how many times I have proven arguments with wall art. My 17th century map of Europe helps me shut down history posers all the time.

    • Xan

      Geography, bitch!

    • i’ve got the Skyrim world map up in my office 😉 nerd / 10

      • Ultimate Void Warrior

        I’m sad Jimmy. I missed out on picking up a demo from the band that would later become All That Remains and Skinless at my nearby record store. I think I’ll go pick it up at some point.

        • Edward #negrod4eva

          Ultimate Void Warrior, hahahahaha

          • CyberneticOrganism

            The avatar’s face should be a black hole

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            That’d be pretty easy to cook up. Even I could Photoshop that!

        • all that remains is skinless? guh? (nice username/avatar!)

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            One day I want to get very well versed in Skinless before I march on my enemies.

          • VVorld Peace

            Trample the Weak, Hurdle the Dead.

          • more beer

            I`ve seen them a couple of times they are excellent live.

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            Apparently they are tied together in some way. I don’t know how though as they don’t have a Wikipedia page.

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            Metal Archives?

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            I checked. They’re not there either.

          • more beer

            Yes they are.

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            How did you find them? I couldn’t find them.

          • more beer

            advanced search

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            Can you provide a link? I keep on getting no results.

          • more beer
          • Death

            I think he was talking about Godbelow, not skinless.

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            I was.

          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            This is the one thing I can find of theirs on the internet besides a split they did with Ringworm.

            http://www.amazon.com/Painted-Images-Blood-Godbelow/dp/B00004W9Q6/ref=sr_1_1?s=music&ie=UTF8&qid=1418830855&sr=1-1&keywords=godbelow

  • Xan

    There was once a time where I would have said that Ozzy was better than Dio. That time has passed. The Ozzy era material is still my favorite but I think Dio is significantly better vocal-wise. What I want for Christmas? About $5000 in graphics cards so I can run The Witcher 3 whilst taking out everyone’s power in a five block radius.

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      Fair statement….I love both and dont need to compare. Mob Rules is kick ass!

  • Edward #negrod4eva

    The Dio > Ozzy one is the best one, lol.

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      Agreed! (Even though I will always dig Ozzy!)
      I am officially adding that as well as the King Diamond clock to my xmas list!!

      • CyberneticOrganism

        I too will always be an Ozzy fan

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          All the “Osbournes” bs and his foibles and the Sharon hate will never diminish his legacy!….(drops mic, walks away, and gets hit in back of head by a tomato)…

      • Max

        No, it’s Strapping Young Lad’s seven year-old son. Wait’ll I tell him he got out of the cage!

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          Haha, right on Max! Is he still on MS?

          • Max

            He is. Occasionally people ask him when his son’s 8th birthday is, and I have to remind him that it’s January 21st because he has no idea.

            My claim to fame is that I’m the one who prompted him into giving his son a 7th birthday; originally it was “6 year-old son”. I nominated Jan 21 by scrolling back through his comment history and seeing that that day was the earliest post he’d ever made where he mentioned his son. I plan to hold him to this for as long as he’s around.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            haha! thats great…he never waivers from his persona…

    • Tyree

      Ed >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

  • Tyree

    Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you’re gonna hear about it!

    • VVorld Peace

      Who’s the patriarch here? Festivus doesn’t end until you pin him.

      • Gurrp

        Papa Joe?

        • Edward #negrod4eva

          Yup.

        • You guys can try

          • VVorld Peace

            Papa Joe has been getting pretty yoked lately.

          • Gurrp

            😉

      • Tyree

        You don’t need glasses, you’re just weak! You’re weak!

    • Edward #negrod4eva

      Tyree if I didn’t think you were my friend I just don’t think I could bare it.

    • Do any of your problems have anything to do with power metal?

    • was it the newcomers who chased Link off?

      • VVorld Peace

        He’s still here, homey. He just changed his alias so the Venezuelan government won’t brutalize him.

      • Edward #negrod4eva

        If Link goes, I go.

        (probably not but I am in solidarity with our second greatest member)

        • i think he’s busy with a term paper or something

          • VVorld Peace

            He’s actually on vacation 🙂

          • whoops. he’s gonna have ton of comments to go through upon his return!

          • VVorld Peace

            He did change his name though. Just keep a sharp eye out.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Will he still be handing out those coveted stickers?

          • VVorld Peace

            I sure hope so. I have yet to receive one.

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            I got one.

          • Death

            Rub it in will you

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            It was for the SB interview. I earned my keep!

          • Guacamole Jim

            I got one of a cute kitty saying “Miau”

          • Edward #negrod4eva
    • JWG

      My family seems to be inching toward Festivus every year.

      This year we’ve apparently been “limited” to a Secret Santa exchange. Next year I do actually anticipate an outright boycott of the whole process.

  • Guacamole Jim

    I clicked on that sex doll link.

    Cannot be unseen. And on the fucking work computer. I should have known better.

  • I actually love getting gift cards as long as it’s not a restaurant or anything, because that means I can get whatever I want instead of pretending to like what the other person got me or something.

    • Edward #negrod4eva

      I like to eat at restaurants.

      • Well I’m like a walking advertisement for food allergies so I can’t really enjoy them as much as others.

        • Edward #negrod4eva

          Oh. Bummer. I like gift cards in general too.

          • Lacertilian

            Cash is better as I can’t get a gift certificate for weed.

        • wholly shiite i’m laughing out loud so hard right now.
          not AT you, but the “walking advertisement” part. is there a big market for those????

      • So does your mom.

        -Bojangles

        • Edward #negrod4eva

          Spitting imitation, well done sir.

      • “Taco Bell is the best restaurant.”
        -Ultimate Void Warrior

    • Herr Schmitty

      You *don’t* like restaurant gift certificates? I dunno man, being able to take out a lady of some consequence and have it be free/cheap? And delicious? And no having to do the dishes afterward?

      Eating out is basically a fantasy for me.

  • Note: Maybe don’t click that “sex doll” link.

    • Guacamole Jim

      NOW HE TELLS ME

      • UNLESS THAT IS SOMETHING YOU’RE IN THE MARKET FOR.

        • Guacamole Jim

          NOT AT WORK BUT POSSIBLY AT HOME LATER

          I’M SO LONELY

          • You don’t have a nice salsa sarah to chill with?

          • Tapenade Tammy

          • Xan

            I’m much more into Burrito Bolinda.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Taquito Trish is my girl.

          • Stockhausen

            I cuddle up at night to the cold, unrelenting embrace of death.

          • VVorld Peace

            Don’t be lonely, Jasmine. Maybe you just need to find your street rat.

          • Guacamole Jim

            I knew you were the boy from the marketplace! Why did you lie to me?

          • VVorld Peace

            The monkey doesn’t like fireworks. Also, you’re like, totally pretty, and I was embarrassed.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Not to escape the pressures of palace life?

          • VVorld Peace

            Look, I’m just really hungry, and your guards keep trying to cut off my hands. Are we going to do this or not?

          • Guacamole Jim

            Let them cut off your hands. It’s kinda my thing. Then we can do this.

          • VVorld Peace

            What are you going to do with the hands?

          • Guacamole Jim

            Mind your own business!

            My stomach was making the rumblies that only hands can satisfy.

          • VVorld Peace

            Wait, so you’re sitting up in your lavish castle, where you can eat anything you want, and you’re just snacking on poor people’s hands.

            http://i.imgur.com/RspJyHy.gif

          • Guacamole Jim
          • VVorld Peace

            My gif was a lot higher quality than I expected.

          • I was going to mention that. It’s the highest quality I’ve seen of that particular gif, so gewd jerb dubyer.

          • VVorld Peace

            Glad to be of service.

          • Stockhausen

            This really went places. I like it.

          • Good luck, they’re expensive.

          • Guacamole Jim

            It boggles the mind to comprehend what would drive a person to spend what I assume is copious amounts of money on a fake human to fuck.

      • Xan

        Interestingly enough, my college’s WIFI has it blocked. I’ll have to view it from the safety of my own home.

    • JWG

      That just makes me want to click it more.

  • Dio was better than pretty much everyone.

  • Gurrp

    That kid on the cover looks THRILLED to receive ambient Burzum for Christmas.

    • SYL!’s 7 Year Old Son

      I’d be thrilled to get that for Christmas. Actually, I’d be thrilled just to get a Christmas.

      • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

        He let you out of the cage! And basement/cellar!

        • Death

          It’s a christmas miracle!

          • Guacamole Jim

            It’s an Alvis Day miracle!

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojWR6nR9ThY

          • Death

            Waht teh fukc

          • Guacamole Jim

            Yes.

          • KJM

            Sealab 2021 FTW.

          • Stockhausen

            I once watched an entire episode of Sealab 2020, the original show, thinking it was Sealab 2021. Waiting for it to get funny/trying to make it funny in my head was a really odd experience.

          • KJM

            I have also made this mistake.

          • there was one episode of 2021 in which they just played one of the original 2020 episodes (video portion) and dubbed the voices with the 2021 actors/actresses. it was 11 minutes of unfunnyosity, then in the final few moments the lab exploded. joke achieved with Cry Engine 3!

          • Stockhausen

            That sounds marvelous. Those early Adult Swim creations were absolute genius (Spaceghost, Harvey Birdman, etc).

          • and Brak!

          • Stockhausen

            Brak >>>>>

          • VVorld Peace

            I still contend that Space Ghost, Coast to Coast is the funniest show ever made.

          • VVorld Peace

            There was one episode of Sealab that nearly killed me with laughter. It was the one when everyone wanted to be turned into robots.

          • Guacamole Jim

            That ones kills me every time. Also, the Bizarro one is comic gold.

          • VVorld Peace

            Oh, the Pirate Radio one killed too.

          • too many good ones to list. the predator creature, the multiple Stormy & Quinn clones

      • VVorld Peace

        Quick! Someone get him into protective services.

      • Stockhausen

        You’re still 7?

      • does your dad come to the toilet, or just you?

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Ohhh it’s good to be back on the toilet; work (hunting Sarah Connor) has kept me away.

    • Tyree

      Agreed.

    • Gurrp

      Stay awhile, relieve yourself.

      • Guacamole Jim

        Let it all out.

    • Stockhausen

      Best seat in the webz.

      • YourLogicIsFlushed

        Why is that not our tag line?

        • Stockhausen

          This suddenly all feels like a waste up to now.

          • Well let’s just all quit and start over, only thing left to do at this point

          • Stockhausen

            Trvly

          • KJM

            Does that mean we can rewind back to Summer right now?

  • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

    These are all nice very nice, but disappointment IS the best gift for a methylhead.

  • VVorld Peace

    So, Toilet ov Hell gift exchange? I like WMDs.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I’m a WMD

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

      I like nu metal CDs from unknown bands.

      • Ferris Mueller

        I see a Union Underground CD in your future!

        • Ultimate Void Warrior

          Already have it. You can try and find their live album though.

        • Ultimate Void Warrior

          If you can find the one album that Factory 81 did called Mankind my warriors will grant you the powers of Destrucity.

          • CyberneticOrganism
          • Ultimate Void Warrior

            I love these guys. Their album was one of the first metal CDs I ever bought.

          • JamesGrimm

            ssssssssoooooooooooo loved this album

    • Stockhausen

      I heard rumors of a bunch of them somewhere, I’ll throw a whole country at it.

    • PrivateTwitterIsKvlt

      I’d like a t-shirt that says “I Touched Kim Kelly In Her Private Internet Parts”

      • Nordling Rites Ov Karhu

        I’d buy that for a dollar.

      • Tyree
        • Elizabeth Hurley >>>>>>>>>>

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            AGREED

          • VVorld Peace

            She sort of just disappeared after Bedazzled, didn’t she?

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            Not from our minds and hearts.

          • And pants.

          • PrivateTwitterIsKvlt

            Beat me to it.

          • Howard Dean

            Beat me to her.

          • Lacertilian

            then turned up years later married to one of the most famous cricketers turned poker player ever.

      • Edward #negrod4eva

        Digging your username here.

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

    I’ll take a share of Native Blood.

  • Wait, the title is “All I want for Christmas is DOOM” but then you think Dio is >>> Ozzy? I mean, I also think Dio >>>>> Ozzy, but that just seems conflicting with the title

  • Stockhausen

    “Mom, just go to the record store and buy stuff you can’t read. If you can make out the name, put it down. If you can make out the name but it’s really offensive, that one’s a solid maybe.”

  • posted this already, but fvck it. Merry Krampus t-shirt:
    http://6dollarshirts.com/t-shirts/Merry-Krampus-T-Shirt-p-12207.html

  • Death

    All I want for christmas is eradication of the human race.

  • Stan Laurel

    A case of “Suds of Northern Darkness” always makes being around the relatives somewhat bearable.

    http://jesterkingbrewery.com/introducing-jester-king-black-metal-imperial-stout

  • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

    You know what I’m upset about? The fact that Job For A Cowboy puts out this fucking incredible album, but they have yet to put out any tour dates. With that being said, for Christmas I’d like a JFAC tour that comes within a two hour radius of me.

    • Edward #negrod4eva

      Two hours? That’s a definite sign you really want to see them play.

      • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

        I always have to drive two hours sometimes even more. I had to drive 3 1/2 hours to see Mastodon and Gojira. Every once in a while the local rock station bring a radio band in town. So because of the rock station I’ve seen Primus, FFDP, Soulfly, Trivium, and Volbeat.

        • Stan Laurel

          That sucks. I’m lucky that bands usually include a stop in SF. I can walk to the Fillmore in 10 mins and the Regency, Walfield and Slims are all just a short cab ride.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            I live in Turlock which is about a 2 hour drive from SF, Sacramento, and Fresno.

          • Stan Laurel

            Just had to look that up on the map. Yup, that’s out there. Seems like bands and playing Oakland a lot more than they used too so that must shave some time off, especially bridge traffic, etc.

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            It can be rough. Especially because it’s beginning to be that time of the year when everybody is on tour. Like I had to decide whether to see Down, or Opeth/In Flames. I went to Down. And now I’m going to Cattle Decap and the Behemoth/Cannibal Corpse tour. But I also want to go to the In Flames, ATR, and Wovenwar tour, and Machine head tour. And then JFAC and Slipknot should be announcing spring dates soon. So it’s gonna be rough choosing which shows I end up going to.

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            That ten minute walk must be sweet if you decide to tie one off.

          • Stan Laurel

            Live shows are better with beer. Come to think of it, everything is better with beer (except maybe driving or operating heavy machinery).

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            What about firearms?

          • VVorld Peace

            My aim improves the more intoxicated I am.

          • Stan Laurel

            Same as playing pool or throwing darts. There is a point of diminishing marginal returns though.

          • Edward #negrod4eva

            That’s a scary thought.

  • NefariousDude

    Stayed up late last night reading skin walker stuff again. Someone teach me how to astral moonwalk for voidmas

  • IronLawnmower

    Daddy needs a compressor pedal.

  • KJM
  • I wonder if they are still making that Slayer beer, a good gift for any non-straightedge person.

  • Leif Bearikson

    I NEED that King Diamond wall clock

  • JWG

    I’d probably enjoy the Sabbath clock more if the “>” symbol somehow rotated 90-180 degrees every few hours, but not necessarily in the same direction.

  • Miguel Serra

    I can use that King Diamond clock ala flavor flav style. Vamos, muchacho!

  • Paris Hilton

    Giving a child a Burzum album is child abuse. Forcing a child to listen to Burzum is a surefire way to raise an insuffable Metalgate nerd who will never experience human intimacy. It is against the Geneva Convention and The Charter of Human Rights. These parents sicken me.

    *flushes Varg down the most rancid, maggot infested truck stop toilet in Wyoming*